Four boys into this, and I'd never heard of the Boy Code. Have you?According to William Pollack, PhD, author of Real Boys, the Boy Code is a set of (usually) non-verbal rules and expectations that continue define boyhood and masulinity in America.
The four major tenets of the Boy Code are:
1. The Sturdy Oak Men and boys should not show weakness. No crying, whimpering or expressions of hurt allowed.
2. Give 'Em Hell Boys are expected to be physically aggressive, highly active risk-takers. Boys also learn early on that some of their bad behavior will be written off as "boys will be boys."
3. The Big Wheel Status and dominance are crucial; working to get to the top of the pack, no matter what the cost, is essential. No shame allowed.
4. No Sissy Stuff Feelings, according the the Code, are the province of women. Especially tender feelings.
I know that the Code is not what most of us are teaching our sons. Most of us are teaching our sons to be empathetic human beings who value relationships with others.
But the Boy Code exists. When our sons go out into the world -- onto the playground, a baseball team, into a club, etc. -- they must deal with other boys and men who judge each other by the Boy Code.
So what do you think? How can we help our sons live fully in a world that still abides by the Boy Code?
I think some of it still holds true for some, but for my boy it doesn't. He is physically active as far as grabbing his sisters firmer than he should. But this boys will be boys stuff is something I don't agree with.
ReplyDeleteWith my dh #1 is a definite. He's a good man, but grew up learning not to show emotions.
The important think in raising a son is teaching them that there is a different between how a boy behaves and how a man behaves.
ReplyDeleteHere is my 2-Cents on the Code:
1. The Sturdy Oak - Be strong when times call for it. When things go wrong, be the calm in the middle of the maelstrom. When others need you in life, sports, work, be someone others can count on.
2. Give 'Em Hell - There is a time and a place for physically aggressive behaviors. Sports are a good example of this. At church or in a store shopping is not. "
3. The Big Wheel - Status and dominance ARE important, but not crucial; It's how you get there that is important and reflects ones character. Getting to ones station in life through hard and smart work, honest dealings, and responsible behavior will be looked upon as a good man and citizen.
4. No Sissy Stuff Feelings: See my comments under The Sturdy Oak. Be empathic to others,but but when the chips are down and others turns to you for leadership, you need to be strong and stowic
There is a difference between a boy and a your man. I know many adults males who still don't know the difference and are still "boys" at heart.
ReplyDeleteMy 2-cents on the Code:
1. The Sturdy Oak - Be strong when times call for it. When things go wrong, be the calm in the middle of the maelstrom. When others need you in life, sports, work, be someone others can count on.
2. Give 'Em Hell - There is a time and a place for physically aggressive behaviors. Sports are a good example of this. At church or in a store shopping is not. "
3. The Big Wheel - Status and dominance ARE important, but not crucial; It's how you get there that is important and reflects ones character. Getting to ones station in life through hard and smart work, honest dealings, and responsible behavior will be looked upon as a good man and citizen.
4. No Sissy Stuff Feelings: See my comments under The Sturdy Oak. Be empathic to others,but but when the chips are down and others turns to you for leadership, you need to be strong and stoic
Hi Jenny: Your summary of the boy code definitely applies to my childhood. My fellow boys and I had a tacit understanding that essentially rested on what you've encapsulated in your post.
ReplyDeleteA thought: I'm wary of the pervasive anti-bullying policies in schools today. Do I want kids to hurt each other? Of course not? Do I think that some bullies are truly dangerous? Yes.
Yet, there are also instances of relatively minor bullying that should probably be endured because bullying does not end when one leaves grade school. Bullies exist in the form of professors, neighbors, and certainly bosses.
I fear that we are teaching our children a sense of entitlement, a sense that someone will always be there to solve their problems. Such is not hte case, and we must equip our children with the emotional tools to thrive in a world that is sometimes rough.
For boys, this means experiencing minor hazing and some playground tussling as we used to call it.
Not a terribly PC view, but those who live in fear end up voting for petty bullies like George Bush. Look where that got us.
I think you bring up some really good points, Eric. As a Mom to 4 sons, I see that a lot of this "bullying" behavior is innate. I'm not trying to minimize the problem -- certainly, children should feel safe and respected in their own homes and schools. But among boys especially, there's a tendency to establish a pecking order and a top dog.
ReplyDeleteEvery time I watch a nature channel and see male lions tussling, or chimps vying for dominance, I see my sons.
We can teach good behavior, but I think we also have to keep in mind the basics of biology.
Hi Jenny: Articulate and succinct, as always. Interesting that you see elements of your boys' behavior reflected in nature.
ReplyDeleteThere's lots of talk about the boy code, and I do believe that it is alive and well. It is how boys operate when adults are not around. There is, however, little in the way of information on how to truly help your child operate and survive within the boy code. It has been particularly difficult for my younger son, now 11. The expectations from home are so much different from the situations and activities he finds himself in at school. He has trouble resolving the dichotomy.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous -- You bring up an excellent point about differing expectations at home and in the "boy world." In retrospect, I believe that's part of why my oldest son, now 11, had trouble in the playground when he attended school. It's not that he didn't/doesn't know how to socialize; it's just that what he was learning at home didn't match the stark confines of the Boy Code.
ReplyDeleteAt times, I wondered if we were doing the best thing for him, holding him to a higher standard. Would we have been better off abandoning him to the world of boys? I don't think so. As difficult as it was to navigate that chasm at age 6 (and even now, at 11), I believe that the skills he's learning at home will ultimately help him in the workforce, in the community and in a relationship.
Hang in there!
This is crap! i am a boy, and that is HORRIBLE!
ReplyDeleteAgreed!
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