Zero Tolerance and Common Sense

As you may have heard, little David Morales created a patriotic-themed hat -- by gluing toy soldiers to a camouflage hat -- for a school project. His hat did not go over well. The principal called the boy's parents and told them that the hat wasn't allowed in school. The reason? The toy soliders carry toy weapons, and school policy forbids the wearing of images of weapons or drugs.

Naturally, much uproar ensued. David's parents expressed their view (which basically boiled down to, "It's a hat. Created to honor veterans. Why all the uproar?"), but ultimately abided by the prinicpal's decision. The case, though, had already attracted national attention. Ultimately, David received a medal from Lt. Gen. Reginald Centracchio, the retired head of the Rhode Island National Guard, who also met with school officials and asked them to review the policy. To their credit, the school officials did so.

"The event exposed how a policy meant to ensure safe environments for students can become restrictive and can present an image counter to the work of our schools to promote patriotism and democracy," Coventry school superintendent Ken Di Pietro told the Associated Press.

Always one to seize a teachable moment, I showed a picture of the hat to my 9-year-old son. "It's a pretty cool hat," he said. I told him what happened. "What is wrong with those people?" he said. "It's a little plastic toy, Mom. What do you think is going to do more damage, a little plastic toy or a pencil? But they allow pencils in school! There are thumb tacks on the bulletin board. Heck, you can do more damage with the rocks next to the playground!"

Methinks the boy has a point. What do you think?

The Definition of Futile

According to dictionary.com, futile means having no useful result. Like, say, vacuuming your living room only to discover a flood in your kitchen?

Life with four boys is anything but neat. Interesting, chaotic, loud, exciting, annoying and invigorating, but not neat. And for the most part, I'm OK with that. For the most part, I'm able to see the scattered toys, papers and books on the floor as physical evidence of their creativity and learning. But every now and again, enough is enough. Every now and again, I make an attempt to contain the chaos.

Today, while 3 boys were happily making/floating homemade boats in the kitchen sink, I headed to the living room to vacuum. I took a timer with me. 10 minutes of housework at a time is about all I can handle.

My timer hadn't even beeped when screams summoned me to the kitchen. In less than 5 minutes, my 4-year-old had managed to flood the kitchen. Water was EVERYWHERE -- on the floor, on the counter, on the stove, on my cell phone, running down the counters, seeping out of cracks, etc. It was the kind of mess that puzzles you for a moment because you have no idea how to clean it up.

"Towels!" I yelled. "Get the bathroom towels"

So my boys went running. Together, we slip-slided our way around the floor on bath towels. We also yelled at each other. The boys yelled at Boy #4; I yelled at them. By the time we were done, the kitchen floor was almost clean and 3 boys were in 3 time-outs.

That's when the word futile popped into my head. I meant to spend 10 minutes cleaning the house. Instead, I spent 20 minutes cleaning up the kitchen -- and I still have a load of towels to wash. Phyllis Diller had it right: Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

Futile, indeed.

A Braid Might Be The Answer

Remember Taylor Pugh? According to his Texas school district, his hair is too long; therefore, the four-year-old (yes, 4-year-old) receives instruction separately from his classmates.

Taylor's parents asked the school board for a dress code exemption, but their request was denied. The Superintendent, however, mentioned a braid as a possibility, so Taylor's mom braided his hair, crossed her fingers and sent him to class today. According to his mom, Taylor "looks a little like Princess Leia" with two braids coiled on his head.

What do you think? Are braids a viable solution? Do you think the school district was right to keep Taylor out of the classroom? Do you think his parents are right to challenge the school?

Should Long Hair Keep a Boy Out of School?

The Mesquite Independent School District in Texas thinks so.

By now, you may have heard the story of four-year-old Taylor Pugh, a pre-kindergartener whose hair covers his eyes and sweeps his collar, in direct violation of the school district's dress code.

Of course, Taylor didn't grow his hair long simply to piss off the school. Taylor is 4 and acts of teenage rebellion aren't even on his radar. Heck, he's barely passed out of his toddler rebellion stage.

According to some reports, Taylor plans to eventually donate his hair to a charity that makes wigs for cancer patients. Other reports say that he has Native American ancestors. If either (or both) reports are true, I'd say the boy has a pretty strong case for letting his hair grow.

Not that he needs an excuse. As far as I'm concerned, what he does with his hair is his business. (Unless, of course, he's shaking it directly in someone else's face, or depositing it in his teacher's food. Then, he's clearly crossed the line.)

But the Mesquite Independent School District believes that "students who dress and groom themselves neatly, and in an acceptable and appropriate manner, are more likely to become constructive members of the society in which we live."

I'm not sure I buy that argument, but in this case, my opinion doesn't count. Because of the school district's stance, 4-year-old Taylor has been in in-school suspension for the last month. He receives his 2 1/2 hours of instruction a day in the library, with an aide, instead of in the classroom with his peers.

Some will argue that 4 is a perfectly acceptable age to learn that there are rules in the world, and that we all must follow rules. Some will argue that his parents are doing more harm than good by supporting their son, instead of the school.

Others think it's much ado about nothing. After all, it's just hair. It's not like he drew a picture of Jesus on the cross.

What do you think? Why?

Positive Parenting

I'd had it with my boys' bickering.

At lunch, after we lit the Advent candles, I read a passage from Matthew 5:
"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgement.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother is subject to judgement...Anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fires of hell."

I was hoping the passage would spark a conversation. I was hoping it would spark some inner reflection and repentance. Instead, it sparked anger. Boys #1 and 2 immediately clammed up and refused to answer any questions. They wouldn't even tell me why they were mad.

An hour or so later, with the help of Boy#1, I figured it out. Yes, they fight, but overall, they think they're doing pretty good. And my constant harping about what they're doing wrong is making them feel pretty darn bad.

Talk about a moment of inner reflection and repentance.

The message was brought home tonight, as we read a chapter of Farmer Boy. Almanzo's little oxen did not want to work after a summer of rest, but "Almanzo had to be patient and gentle. He petted the yearlings (when he sometimes wanted to hit them) and he fed them carrots and talked to them soothingly."

Boy #1 interrupted. "See?"

I saw the comparison immediately, but asked him to explain. He continued, "In a lot of ways, animals and kids are the same. They don't know very much and they're high energy. But do they get it from from hitting and yelling? No, they get it from patience and gentleness and that kind of stuff."

Starting now, I resolve to concentrate on patience and gentleness. Instead of focusing on the bad, I will focus on the good. I will catch my boys doing good and tell them how much I love them. Most of all, I will live each day in such a way that they can SEE the happiness they bring into my life. They have enhanced my life in immeasurable ways, and yet all too often, I fear, they only hear about the mess, the inconvenience and my long list of to-dos.

Thank you, boys, for once again showing me the way.

Can Boys Nurse Babies?

I stumbled across an interesting article by Amy Rawson today. Called "Raising Boys," her article delineates her attempt to raise boys unfettered by society's expectations of what a boy should be. Her boys, she says, are free to play with trucks and dolls, to sport long hair and to cry when they're hurt.

The part of her article that took the most heat, though, was the part where she admits that her two sons pretend to nurse their dolls.

I was not shocked, surprised or offended by that statement. I've nursed four boys, and at least three of them have pretended to nurse a doll or stuffed animal at some point in time. And why wouldn't they? Children learn to parent by watching us, and my boys saw me nursing the new baby many times a day.

Many readers, though, were disgusted by her admission. A sampling:

"Boys acting like they are nursing!? Ok, I think that is a bit extreme."

"If my girls were pretending to nurse, it wouldn't be so bad. After all, I nursed mine til they were a year. But, I would be offended if I saw my son "nursing" a baby, I would not if he had a bottle (it can always be a bottle of "breast milk"). They don't have the "equipment" and I just don't think it's right. I think this kind of raising (in the article) may turn him into a "girly man", and I hate that."

"Of course a child acts out nursing. Because he saw you do it. He's testing you to see your response. If you don't guide them, and teach them, they will grow up as an animal in captivity and will be very sad when they hit the "real world" and probably ill-equipped to cope."

I'm speechless. Do people really believe this stuff? What's your take on boys nursing babies?

Persistence

Some kids just don't take no for an answer.

Unfortunately, I have been blessed with at least two of them.

The "un" in that sentence is rather unfortunate, because persistence, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. Persistence is the difference between a published author and an unpublished one. Persistence brought us the lightbulb and computer. Persistence is what helps tired parents everywhere get through our busy days!

But persistence in a toddler/preschooler? Aaaarggggh!

You know how most childhood experts will tell you to redirect a young child who's interested in picking up a delicate or fragile object? Well, redirection doesn't work with a persistent child. The persistent child will simply return to said object again and again and again.

Which isn't a bad thing, really. The ability to perserve, despite obstacles and over time, is clearly a marker of success. Our job as parents is to somehow preserve the sense of persistence -- while somehow co-habitating with a child who clearly has his own ideas about living.

It's not easy. It's not easy at all. I came home from our 4-H meeting tonight, thoroughly exhausted from battling with a persistent three-year-old who saw absolutely no reason for him to remain quiet during the meeting. He wanted to race cars. He wanted to play with balls. And he wasn't buying my reassurances of "later" at all.

It would be easier for me to somehow squash his persistence, to somehow force him to comply with my wishes, instead of always responding to his inner desires. But 1) I don't know how to do that, at least not in any way I'd feel good about it, and 2) I don't want to want to destroy what will someday be one of his strongest assets.

In an effort to find some answers, I Googled, "persistent child" when I came home-- and found this gem of antique wisdom. I think I'm going to follow her advice:

"I never keep late hours and I take very nourishing food. One needs poise and health and quiet nerves to regulate persistence without destroying it."

What are your tips for dealing with a persistent child?

Parenting Writers on Parenting

The best part of my cruise/conference? Getting to hang around with a lot of other writers who also happen to be parents.

Some of the brave souls (such as Blog Salad's Ron Doyle) brought their children along with them. The rest of us had much more fun. We sat around the karaoke bar, sipped grown-up drinks and swapped stories about parenting.

Can I just say how liberating it was to hear other parenting writers admit that they are not perfect parents? All together, we represented years of parenting expertise. Dozens of children between us. Hundreds of published parenting articles and real-life, real-time access to acknowledged child-rearing experts. We, after all, are the people who write articles such as, "32 Easy Ways to Streamline Your Crazy-Busy Life," "Discipline Tricks That Stick," and "The Secret to Healthier Happier Kids." (All actual article titles from actual magazines.)

And yet, our real lives often look very little like the lives portrayed in the magazines. (Think of us as the parenting equivalent of female fashion models.) Despite knowing the "right" things to do, we yell. (Sometimes within earshot of the neighbors). We give in. We bargain. We plead. We make the same mistakes again and again and again.

We might write the articles that tell you how to balance work and family, but we don't have it all together. We're struggling too, just like everyone else. Our lives - just like yours -- are a constant work in progress. Besides, what article can prepare you for sick kids, cat poop and Internet issues?

The bottom line, as always, is that you are the true expert. We might have access to academic studies, talking heads and statistics, but you know your family and children better than we ever will. You're the only one who can decide, on the spur of the moment, what to do when your preschooler whacks your sick tween on the head with a tractor. (Wait -- that's my life.)

So trust your instincts, and take comfort in the fact that parenting writers are winging it too.

And the Winner Is....

Talk about a popular product! I received over 200 entries for the LeapFrog Tag Reading System giveaway. So with no further ado, the winner is....


Oh, who am I kidding? We've all watched enough American Idol and Dancing with the Stars to know that the winners are never announced that easily! Instead, let's take a moment and talk about leadership.

A recent study found that children who break rules are more likely to become leaders -- IF they have parents who view rule breaking as a teaching opportunity. The study, published in The Leadership Quarterly, divided juvenille infractions into two catergories: "modest rule breaking" (such as breaking windows and family and school offenses) and "serious rule breaking" (any drug use, serious crime or offense that leads to police involvement). Interesting Parenting Nugget #1: Minor offenses do not necessarily lead to major offenses.

The study then examined parents' responses to rule-breaking. Interesting Parenting Nugget #2: What you do matters. The researchers found that an authoritative parenting style, one where parents have clear expectations regarding behavior but still allow children to test the rules, may help children assume leadership roles later in life.

Listen:
"When individuals challenge the status quo or boundaries of authority/rules early in life they
can stand to learn a lot from these experiences if their parents help them understand why the actions they chose are problematic and more importantly how the individuals can achieve the desired goals in ways that do not involve breaking rules. That is, parents can arm their children with more effective strategies for achieving their goals."
http://www.rotman.utoronto.ca/newthinking/rotundoleadership.pdf

Think about that the next time your son misbehaves: The goal isn't to get him to do what you want him do. The goal is to help him understand why his choice was not the best choice, and to help him figure out what he could have done instead.

More work? Maybe. Worth it? Absolutely.


And now, the winner is....


GiGi! Congratulations, GiGi. You're the winner of the LeapFrog Tag Reading System. I'll be contacting you shortly. Thanks to everyone who participated. I really appreciate your tweets, follows and comments and look forward to hearing from you in the future.

Messy, Messy, Messy!

I woke up to popcorn all over the living room floor.

Boy #4, apparently, had saved his popcorn from last night for an early morning snack -- except that, from the looks of it, less than half made it to his mouth. Before I'd even popped in my contacts, I was down on my knees, scraping popcorn leavings into a pile.

I swept the pile into my hand, headed toward the garbage can -- and passed a pile of cat puke. No, wait. Make that two piles.

The wailing erupted just as I was grabbing some paper towel. Remember Boy #4 and his early morning snack? Turns out he'd poured himself a glass of milk as well. You can see where I'm going with this, right?


(Forward to moment 1:39)

Parenting boys is a messy business, in more ways than one. There are the obvious messes (does anyone else's bathtub resemble a beach after the boys have bathed?), and then the not-so-obvious ones. Check out this excerpt from Scott Noelle's parenting newsletter, The Daily Groove:

"Even if you're a 'crunchy' parent who's not afraid of nature's messiness, there may be other kinds of messes you abhor, like the messy ways children learn, explore, and process emotions."

Boy learning is not a straight forward kind of thing. Rarely do boys start in one place and progress neatly to the desired end point. Learning, for boys, is a series of tangents, of stops and starts. To learn, they need permission, time and space to explore, to question --and to get messy.

The same holds true for emotions. While I thought it was a great idea to sit down and discuss how to turn crisis into opportunity, my boys did not. For a moment, I was frustrated, but then I remembered that my job as a parent is to support my boys in whatever ways they need. I will remain available, but I need to give my boys time and space to process their own emotions.

As Scott Noelle says, "Get over it! Life IS messy!"

Coping with Crisis

On the positive side, there are some girls who emerge out of the divorced, mother-headed households as exceptionally resilient young women. It seems that some young women thrive on the increased responsibilities and challenges that they face in these families, and they develop warm and deeply affectionate ties with their mothers. Similar findings do not occur for boys.
-- Robert Hughes Jr., PhD

Our family has been living apart for almost three months now. It's not easy -- Boy #4 continues to ask, several times a day, "When is Daddy going to live here again?" -- but we're surviving. Google, however, does not seem at all sure that we should thrive. Ever again.

A quick Google search of "boys" and "divorce" tells me that:

• Boys are more likely to react with anger, aggression and academic problems
• Boys are more likely to suffer depression when the father leaves home
• Boys may lose their connection with their mother as she takes on additional responsibility
• Boys may assume blame for the family break-up

Excuse me for not buying that bunch of baloney. My boys are hurting, to be sure. But more likely to react with anger, aggression and academic problems? That's boys in general. More likely to suffer depression? So are boys in general. As for losing connection and assuming blame -- doesn't that happen to all children of divorce?

Call me in denial, but I don't think that's impossible for boys to grow strong and healthy in the wake of a divorce. Challenging, yes. But if I've learned anything in my life, it's that people can overcome all kind of challenges.

So instead of subscribing to the gloom-and-doom, I'm going to teach my boys 9 Basic Rules to Make a Crisis Work for You, borrowed by Isolina Ricci's excellent book, Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child:

1. Don't Go Through a Crisis Alone

2. Learn What's Going On

3. Look for What Works and What Doesn't

4. Care for Your Inner Self and Spiritual Life

5. Take Care of Your Body and Find Safe Ways to Blow Off Steam

6. Keep a Positive but Realistic Perspective

7. Increase Your Skills

8. Watch You Language

9. Keep Your Sense of Humor

I'll be re-visiting these rules over the next few weeks, because I'm convinced that separation or no separation, these are important life skills for boys. Why don't you try putting them into practice in your own life as well? We'll compare notes soon!

Withholding Affection

What's more important: getting our kids to do as we say, or helping them grow into fulfilled adults?

You might argue that it's not an either/or choice, that it's fully possible for a child to obey and grow into a fulfilled adult. And yet the question is one, I think, that cuts to the core of parenting choices.

If you believe that it's most important for kids to do as you say, you're probably more likely to implement a sleep schedule for your baby. If you think it's more important for a child to grow into a fulfilled adult, I think you're more likely to pay attention to your child's individual needs. You're more likely to encourage your son's love of reading than to insist he read a certain number of minutes per day, whether or not he likes it.

This question was an important one for me today as I met resistance after resistance from my boys. I pulled out a reading program for my six-year-old, he said no. I pulled out an educational game for all my boys, they moaned and groaned and acted like I was killing them.

I was frustrated. I told them so. Loudly. Then I gave myself a timeout.

I realized that part of the problem is that I encourage free thinking in my boys. I encourage them to question and to follow their instincts. I want them to be in touch with the quiet little voice that whispers inside. As much as possible, I respect, encourage and accomodate their needs and desires.

The problem comes when I want them to do something they don't want to do. What then?

Many parents punish, insist, shame or issue consequences. But is that the best move? An intriguing article in today's New York Times suggests that maybe it's not. Numerous scientific studies, it says, have shown that withholding parental affection and approval -- or pouring it on when the child behaves as you'd like -- is counterproductive. The child may behave as you'd like in the moment, but generally develops negative feelings and unhealthy internal compulsions.

Instead, the article said, "unconditional acceptance by parents as well as teachers should be accompanied by 'autonomy support': explaining reasons for requests, maximizing opportunities for the child to participate in making decisions, being encouraging without manipulating, and actively imagining how things look from the child's point of view."

Shaping a human being is hard work. But when I think of the task, I think of Michaelangelo, who said, "Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it." My children, I think, are the sculptors of their lives. As a parent, my job is not to chisel away, creating a statue that perfectly coordinates with my living room furniture but to support each child as he discovers the statue within.

Guest Blog: From Freeways to Flip-Flops

I’m honored to be a guest blogger on “Blogging’Bout Boys.”

My name is Sonia Marsh and I write the blog Gutsy Writer. In 2004 we left our comfortable life in Orange County, California, and moved to an island in Belize. WHY? We had 3 reasons:

1. To rescue our 16-year-old son from some bad choices he’d made in high school.

2. To escape the OC rat race.

3. To teach our kids gratitude instead of entitlement. We moved from a large 5 bedroom house, to a hut on stilts. We learned to live with less and to appreciate each other more. ( We stayed in Belize for one year.)

I’m currently working on my memoir: From Freeways to Flip-Flops, and would like to share an excerpt from the middle of Chapter One, when I started noticing defiance in my oldest son, Spencer. He was nine at the time, and his two younger brothers: Austin six, and Jordan, almost three. My husband’s name is Duke, and our rat terrier is Cookie.

Photo taken in January 2008, Austin 18, Sonia, Spencer 21, Jordan 14.

When Spencer turned nine, his assertiveness no longer seemed attractive. “Wake up Spencer,” I said placing my right hand on his back. Spencer remained flat on his stomach. “It’s time to get ready.”

I figured he’d get dressed in a minute, so I headed upstairs to wake Austin up for Kindergarten. I found him dressed, sitting on his bed struggling to turn his sock inside out. “Can I have waffles for breakfast?” he said.

“Not today, sorry, we’re running late. Maybe tomorrow.”

During school days, I let Jordan sleep until it was time to strap him into the car seat. One less child to deal with, while the other two got ready for school.

Austin liked school. He was a morning person like Duke.

Austin followed me downstairs and I poured him a bowl of honey-nut cheerios. The TV was already on a cartoon channel with Spencer gripping the remote in his hand.

“Spencer, get dressed, we’re late.” I jogged down the hallway, opened his drawers and flung a set of clothes on his bed to speed up the process. “I expect you dressed by the time I get my shower,” I said. “Your cereal bowl’s on the counter.”

After my shower, I could hear Austin brushing his teeth. I headed back down and found Spencer, still in pajamas, wiggling his bare toes on the coffee table. “Why aren’t you dressed?” I asked in a firm tone.

“I’m not going to school,” he said with teenage attitude.

“Well then,” I said, trying to remain calm like they recommended in parenting magazines. “I guess you’ll have to explain to your principal why you’re wearing pajamas today.”

I grabbed the remote from his tight grip and turned off the TV. Spencer stared at me with such cruel eyes, that for one second, I hated him. How could my baby do this to me? He refused to get off the couch, and I felt Austin’s eyes peeking through the staircase railing, scared to come down, yet interested in the unfolding scene.

I yanked Spencer off the couch with both hands under his armpits, and started dragging along the floor backwards. He already weighed more than I could lift. He wrestled himself out of my grip and stampeded down the hallway and hid under his bed sheets. “Are you going to dress or not?”

Spencer didn’t move. I hauled him out of bed and towed him to my van. He tried negotiating a compromise which involved letting him skip school, but I refused. Spencer finally caved in and changed clothes, but not without shoving me into the van’s side mirror first.

Grabbing his wrists, I dug my short nails into his pulse points and stared straight into his angry eyes, “Don’t you ever do that again. Do you hear me?” He continued showing no remorse. An alarm went off inside me. If I can’t get him to respect me at nine, what will he be like at thirteen?
This prompted my first ever appointment with a therapist. Duke had a thing about therapy. He believed it was a waste of money, and that people should be capable of solving their own problems.

“Well I need advice from someone other than you,” I said. “Go ahead,” Duke said. “I’m not stopping you.”

I longed for reassurance from a professional, that all boys go through aggression at some point, and that as an early bloomer, Spencer started showing defiance sooner than most. Instead the therapist warned me, “Respect isn’t automatically given to you, it’s earned. You have to be more firm and consistent. You also need specific consequences with kids like him.” What did he mean, kids like him?

I didn’t understand why respect had to be earned by being firm. Why couldn’t it be earned through love and caring? That was how I’d learned to show respect towards my own mother and father.

Our life changed two months after Spencer turned thirteen. The day after Christmas, a large truck pulled up on our driveway. It was a typical Southern California winter day, the kind of day when December gets confused with August, and you end up wearing shorts and a tank-top, with a decorated Christmas tree in your living room.

I had just opened the garage door, leaning down to clip the leash onto Cookie’s collar, when I saw the man. A short, dark-haired male with tattooed biceps stepped down from one of those cranked-up trucks with oversized tires. Cookie hurled her body towards his ankles, and I managed to reel her in on the retractable leash, inches before she could nip at his sneakers.

“Are you Spencer’s mom?” the man asked, angling his neck upwards, so we could make eye contact. This did not feel like the start of a pleasant conversation and I debated whether to say, “No,” just to get rid of him, or at least postpone the rest of the conversation until Duke returned from Home Depot.

“Yes,” I said followed by a quick, “Why?”

“Your son broke into my house at 2 a.m., on Christmas Eve to see my daughter.”

Dog Safety

Did you know that young boys are at the greatest risk of dog bites?

I didn't either -- and I probably should, since my parents got a dog this year and I have two boys that fall smack-dab in the five- to nine-years-old age group, the group most at-risk.

Young kids are vulnerable simply because of their proximity to animals; most children are at mouth-height to dogs. And young boys, in particular, tend to be loud, impulsive and physical. (I bet you already knew that.)

Keep your boys safe by teaching some basic dog etiquette:

1. Always ask a dog's owner if it's OK to approach or pet the dog
2. Slowly hold out your hand when meeting a dog
3. Never try to reach into a crate, yard, or fenced-in area to pet a dog
4. If the dog starts growling, showing teeth or holding back his ears, stay back
5. Never tease a dog
6. Remain quiet and still -- like a tree -- if a dog chases or jumps at you
7. Stay away from sleeping or eating dogs

For more great info, click here and here.

Have you boys ever gotten into trouble with a dog?

Otis Knows Respect

I'll admit it: I did not know that Otis Redding sang Respect. An anonymous commenter did, though.

Anonymous had a couple other interesting thoughts about boys and respect. Listen:

Among boys, respect is earned by testing each other by irritating, teasing, hitting, competing, etc. These interactions between boys (of all ages) determine the amount of respect earned. This masculine pecking order is constantly being challenged, sometimes in an effort to change positions, other times to confirm your slot, always to define identity.

So what earns the respect of young boys?

• Physical Build
• Confidence
• Power
• Defiance
• Bravery
• Athleticism
• Success

Hopefully (not always) maturity eventually has an effect and things like intelligence and treating others with dignity and kindness make their ways onto and up the list.

As a mother -- and sister -- of four boys, I sense the truth in his words. And yet, as a Mom, I'm confused. How do I help my young sons earn respect, while also teaching them to show respect? Defiance may be very important in the world of young boys, but I don't exactly want to encourage it in my sons. Same thing with teasing and irritating.

Even things like physical build and athleticism, while important in the world of boys, are to some extent of out boys' hands. As a parent, I can work with my son and encourage his athletic ability and interest, but only if he's interested. I can serve healthy foods and model an active lifestyle, but that's about it.

So my question is this: How do we, as parents, help our boys navigate the boy code, while teaching them to behave respectfully in the wider world? Are there behaviors we should ignore because that's just "part of being a boy?"

Let's see what Otis had to say.

Falling Through the Cracks

Last month I wrote a post about a 15-year-old boy who was found with 53 baby birds in his bedroom.

Today I received an anonymous comment from a reader claiming to be the boy's mother. I have no way of verifying her identity, but since her comments are interesting -- and at least one news report does indicate that the boy was in counseling -- I'm reprinting her comments her in their entirety.

Dear reader's....I happen to to be this boy's mother... I am so tired of people passing judgement on me as a mother.I have had trouble with my child since he was a toddler. I have taken him to doctor's his whole life. The most they came up with was ADHD. The meds never seem to help him.He was removed from my home for a yr. to live in a therapy residental setting and was released too soon because it was costly for the state. In that year my son was out of my home his father and I attended every function. We as a family drove down to denver every weekend with out fail for family therapy. I have taken every parenting class available. I worked with my son in therapy else where for six years. I have tried everything. Yes even spanking him and that ended me up as a child abuser. So thats just a brief on what I have been dealing with. He has a long line of theft that I myself have even called the cops on him. He has been slapped on the hand his whole life. I love my son and have tried everything to make him see how he is ruining his life. I am a single mother now of 2yrs and do what I can. I dont want to see him in jail because he will only come out worse but he does need to learn from this and I hope that he does. This whole thing happened in 45 mins. A lapse of me going to work at 145 and my sister getting home at 220. So world please dont think that i dont observe my child or that im outta touch with him. The truth be told their are alot of children like mine who are over looked and failed by the system. Even more so parents like me begging for help and exhausted trying to just get them through life with what we have available to us as parents.

What do you think? Whether or not she's the mother of the bird boy, do you think that society allows too many boys to fall through the cracks? Do you know any parents who are exhausted and frustrated from trying to get their sons the help they need?

D'oh!

My sons introduced me to this video. Let me know what you think!

This is News?

According to a new study, "impulsive boys with inadequate supervision, poor families and deviant friends are more likely to commit criminal acts that land them in juvenile court."

Raise your hand if you're surprised. No one? I thought not.

As anyone with boys can tell you, poorly supervised boys + troublemaker friends = trouble. And the longer they're unsupervised and in the company of other boys who are not, uh, on the right track, the more likely it is that they will cause some real trouble.

This is not rocket science, people. This is common sense.

The study, which was published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, does have a surprising conclusion, though. It turns out that boys who went through the juvenille justice system were MORE likely to commit adult crimes. SEVEN TIMES more likely.

The theory is that the juvenille justice system concentrates the troublemakers in one place. Surround boys with bad influences and, well, expect bad outcomes.

It's disturbing news, and news which should make us rethink our approach to juvenilles and crime. Millions of dollars are poured into the juvenille justice system each year -- to increase adult crime?

Dr. Richard Trembly, a co-author of the study, calls for action. "Two solutions exist for this problem," Dr Tremblay says. "The first is to implement prevention programs before adolescence when problem children are more responsive. The second is to minimize the concentration of problem youths in juvenile justice programs, thereby reducing the risk of peer contagion."

Let's go back to the beginning. Impulsive boys with inadequate supervision, poor families and deviant friends are more likely to commit criminal acts. So let's start there! "Programs" may be helpful, but programs will never replace a family. Let's re-emphasize the importance of the family, and let's provide support for families. When our current policies push single mothers out into the workforce, are we supporting families? Or are we contributing to a situation of inadequate supervision?

Let's talk about the importance of the family, the role of the family. If we must provide programs, let's provide positive parenting programs and support groups. Let's help our children -- our boys especially -- find meaningful activity. Let's support their hopes, dreams and desires and show them how to get there.

We can reform our juvenille justice sytem, but if we're going to get anywhere, we need to start in the community and in the home. We need to start with the family.

Fighting with Boys

I do not want to live my life in constant conflict with my kids. In fact, that's why I try to use more peaceful parenting techniques, why I try to be responsive to their needs and why I encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings with me.

And yet....sometimes it just happens.

Take this morning, for instance. Boy #2 was not happy. I'd signed him up for 4-H day camp and he did NOT want to go (as he told me in no uncertain terms).

To be fair, I knew that he wouldn't want to sign up for day camp. I know that he's felt that way for the last two years he's gone. I also know that he had an absolutely fabulous time every time he's attended, as evidenced by the huge smile and non-stop chatter on the way home.

So I signed him up anyway, in part because I knew he'd have fun and in part because I had work and appointments today and needed a safe, stimulating place for him.

As far as he was concerned, though, I was the meanest mommy in the world. I know it didn't help that he was tired today, after a series of four late nights. Ideally, he would have been well-rested before being confronted with a situation he finds challenging, to say the least. But real life isn't ideal.

He's probably at camp now, having a great time. I, meanwhile, still feel icky about the whole situation.

How do you feel when you fight with your boys? What do you fight about? How do you handle it when your boys' needs conflict with your own?

Gun Safety, Not Gun Control

I know -- I sound like a representative of the NRA.

In reality, nothing could be further from the truth; I actually think some gun control is a good thing. But we're not talking politics here; we're talking boys. And when it comes to gun play, I think our best bet is to seize the teachable moment.

Without being all preachy -- because, as William Pollack, PhD, author of Real Boys says, "the last thing you want to do is shame your child" -- explain what guns are. Explain what they are for --and what they are not.

And then, whether you want to or not, discuss gun safety. My biggest fear, when I see my 3-year-old pick up a plastic gun and "shoot" his brothers, is that he would do the same exact thing if he found a real gun. Sadly enough, it's a distinct possibility.

A 2001 study published in Pediatrics was called, "Seeing is Believing: What Do Boys Do When They Find a Real Gun?" The investigators paired up boys, ages eight to twelve, and placed them in a room with two water pistols and an actual .380 caliber handgun. The weapons were all concealed in separate drawers. Using a one-way mirror, the investigators had a first-hand glimpse of how boys would behave when they found a real gun. (It's worth noting here that EXTENSIVE safety controls were in place.)

Sixteen of twenty-one groups of boys who found the real gun handled it. In ten of the groups, one or more of the boys pulled the trigger.

It's a sobering study, one that clearly points the need to responsible gun ownership. If you have a gun, make sure it is properly locked up at all times; if having boys has taught me anything, it's that they can find anything they're not supposed to find. (And nothing they're supposed to. Are shoes really THAT hard to find?)

Ask about guns and gun security as well. If your son is going to be playing at a friend's house, you need to know whether or not there are guns in the home -- and I'm not talking plastic guns; I'm talking real guns that can really hurt. If the friends are gun owners (and you'd be surprised how many people are), ask about how the guns are secured. If you're not happy with the answer -- or just don't feel good about your son playing in a home where there are guns -- invite the friend over to your house instead.

Most importantly, review over and over and over again what to do if your son finds a gun. Ask him what he'd do if he found a gun other than the colorful plastic ones he sees laying around the neighborhood. If the answer is, "give it to an adult," -- WRONG! Stress that he should never -- ever -- touch an unknown gun. Tell him that he should immediately call an adult and let the adult handle the situation.

Each year, over 1000 children are killed by guns. Don't let your son be one of them.