My six-year-old recently told me, "You know what the good thing about having four brothers is? When we're all grown up, if a dude picks on us, we can take him down!"
He hesitated for a moment, then added, "And we'll have lots of practice from childhood!"
Showing posts with label fights. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fights. Show all posts
Monday, January 4, 2010
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Re-Entering the Real World
If it wasn't for the scar on my finger, I wouldn't believe it myself.
Just a few short days ago, I was snorkeling in the Bahamas. The water was aquamarine, the temperature was balmy and the company, sublime. (The scar, if you're interested, is the result of an overly eager fish. I had fish food; he wanted it!)
For a few short days, I wasn't Jennifer Fink, Mom of Boys; I was Jennifer Fink, Freelance Writer. The boys stayed home with their dad while I joined dozens of other writers aboard the Carnival Imagination for a three-day writer's conference called Cruising for Profits.
And then, I came home. To sick kids (H1N1 has hit our home), cat poop and Internet issues. It was a bit of a transition, to say the least.
But this is what parenting is all about. These are the moments that create a life, that create bonds between parent and child, brother and sister. These moments -- making smoothies for sons who don't feel like eating or wetting washcloths to lay on hot little foreheads -- are more meaningful than anything I experienced on the cruise.
Don't get me wrong: I had a great time conga dancing on the Lido deck and would love, someday, to explore the Caribbean with my sons. Real life, though, isn't always real fun, and that's OK.
I hate watching my boys struggle with high fevers and -- let's be honest -- I hate getting up multiple times a night. I hate stumbling downstairs by feel alone and pouring Motrin by the light of the moon. I hate scratching event after event off my calendar, and I hate waiting and wondering if and when I'll get sick.
But the beauty of these moments is that they allow us to serve one another. In their sickness, my boys become vulnerable and they let me in, just a little more than usual. Those who are healthy express their concern for the sick, doing everything from filling water bottles to delivering pillows. At the end of the day, we realize that, despite our disagreements and bickering, we love each other. The last two days, both of my older boys have listed "family," as one of their Favorite Parts. Usually, they consider "family" the cause of all that's wrong in their worlds.
Stepping out of my life for a few days was absolutely wonderful. Stepping back in is pretty nice as well.
Just a few short days ago, I was snorkeling in the Bahamas. The water was aquamarine, the temperature was balmy and the company, sublime. (The scar, if you're interested, is the result of an overly eager fish. I had fish food; he wanted it!)
For a few short days, I wasn't Jennifer Fink, Mom of Boys; I was Jennifer Fink, Freelance Writer. The boys stayed home with their dad while I joined dozens of other writers aboard the Carnival Imagination for a three-day writer's conference called Cruising for Profits.
And then, I came home. To sick kids (H1N1 has hit our home), cat poop and Internet issues. It was a bit of a transition, to say the least.
But this is what parenting is all about. These are the moments that create a life, that create bonds between parent and child, brother and sister. These moments -- making smoothies for sons who don't feel like eating or wetting washcloths to lay on hot little foreheads -- are more meaningful than anything I experienced on the cruise.
Don't get me wrong: I had a great time conga dancing on the Lido deck and would love, someday, to explore the Caribbean with my sons. Real life, though, isn't always real fun, and that's OK.
I hate watching my boys struggle with high fevers and -- let's be honest -- I hate getting up multiple times a night. I hate stumbling downstairs by feel alone and pouring Motrin by the light of the moon. I hate scratching event after event off my calendar, and I hate waiting and wondering if and when I'll get sick.
But the beauty of these moments is that they allow us to serve one another. In their sickness, my boys become vulnerable and they let me in, just a little more than usual. Those who are healthy express their concern for the sick, doing everything from filling water bottles to delivering pillows. At the end of the day, we realize that, despite our disagreements and bickering, we love each other. The last two days, both of my older boys have listed "family," as one of their Favorite Parts. Usually, they consider "family" the cause of all that's wrong in their worlds.
Stepping out of my life for a few days was absolutely wonderful. Stepping back in is pretty nice as well.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
And the Winner Is....
Talk about a popular product! I received over 200 entries for the LeapFrog Tag Reading System giveaway. So with no further ado, the winner is....
Oh, who am I kidding? We've all watched enough American Idol and Dancing with the Stars to know that the winners are never announced that easily! Instead, let's take a moment and talk about leadership.
A recent study found that children who break rules are more likely to become leaders -- IF they have parents who view rule breaking as a teaching opportunity. The study, published in The Leadership Quarterly, divided juvenille infractions into two catergories: "modest rule breaking" (such as breaking windows and family and school offenses) and "serious rule breaking" (any drug use, serious crime or offense that leads to police involvement). Interesting Parenting Nugget #1: Minor offenses do not necessarily lead to major offenses.
The study then examined parents' responses to rule-breaking. Interesting Parenting Nugget #2: What you do matters. The researchers found that an authoritative parenting style, one where parents have clear expectations regarding behavior but still allow children to test the rules, may help children assume leadership roles later in life.
Listen:
"When individuals challenge the status quo or boundaries of authority/rules early in life they
can stand to learn a lot from these experiences if their parents help them understand why the actions they chose are problematic and more importantly how the individuals can achieve the desired goals in ways that do not involve breaking rules. That is, parents can arm their children with more effective strategies for achieving their goals."
http://www.rotman.utoronto.ca/newthinking/rotundoleadership.pdf
Think about that the next time your son misbehaves: The goal isn't to get him to do what you want him do. The goal is to help him understand why his choice was not the best choice, and to help him figure out what he could have done instead.
More work? Maybe. Worth it? Absolutely.
And now, the winner is....
GiGi! Congratulations, GiGi. You're the winner of the LeapFrog Tag Reading System. I'll be contacting you shortly. Thanks to everyone who participated. I really appreciate your tweets, follows and comments and look forward to hearing from you in the future.
Oh, who am I kidding? We've all watched enough American Idol and Dancing with the Stars to know that the winners are never announced that easily! Instead, let's take a moment and talk about leadership.
A recent study found that children who break rules are more likely to become leaders -- IF they have parents who view rule breaking as a teaching opportunity. The study, published in The Leadership Quarterly, divided juvenille infractions into two catergories: "modest rule breaking" (such as breaking windows and family and school offenses) and "serious rule breaking" (any drug use, serious crime or offense that leads to police involvement). Interesting Parenting Nugget #1: Minor offenses do not necessarily lead to major offenses.
The study then examined parents' responses to rule-breaking. Interesting Parenting Nugget #2: What you do matters. The researchers found that an authoritative parenting style, one where parents have clear expectations regarding behavior but still allow children to test the rules, may help children assume leadership roles later in life.
Listen:
"When individuals challenge the status quo or boundaries of authority/rules early in life they
can stand to learn a lot from these experiences if their parents help them understand why the actions they chose are problematic and more importantly how the individuals can achieve the desired goals in ways that do not involve breaking rules. That is, parents can arm their children with more effective strategies for achieving their goals."
http://www.rotman.utoronto.ca/newthinking/rotundoleadership.pdf
Think about that the next time your son misbehaves: The goal isn't to get him to do what you want him do. The goal is to help him understand why his choice was not the best choice, and to help him figure out what he could have done instead.
More work? Maybe. Worth it? Absolutely.
And now, the winner is....
GiGi! Congratulations, GiGi. You're the winner of the LeapFrog Tag Reading System. I'll be contacting you shortly. Thanks to everyone who participated. I really appreciate your tweets, follows and comments and look forward to hearing from you in the future.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Mars and Venus
Remember the book by Dr. John Gray, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? The idea was that men and women have different emotional needs and different ways of communicating (and expressing) those needs -- and that by learning to communicate with our partners in ways they can understand, we can improve our relationships.
As a mom of four boys, I've thought about that book a lot. There are some things I just don't get about boys, like their constant need to fight or their biologically-based inability to hold a stick without swinging it. I understand some of those things now, thanks to to experience, reflection and a slew of books about boys, but I don't get it. I will never intuitively think like a boy and I've wondered at time whether or not my inability to see the world through male eyes might inhibit my relationship with my sons.
I've often thought there should be a Mars/Venus book aimed at parents of opposite sex children.
Dr. Robyn Silverman, a child and adolescent development specialist I've had the pleasure of interviewing in the past, recently penned a wonderful article on just that topic, Daddy's Little Girl and Mommy's Little Boy: Bonding with your Opposite Gendered Child. Among her suggestions:
As a mom of four boys, I've thought about that book a lot. There are some things I just don't get about boys, like their constant need to fight or their biologically-based inability to hold a stick without swinging it. I understand some of those things now, thanks to to experience, reflection and a slew of books about boys, but I don't get it. I will never intuitively think like a boy and I've wondered at time whether or not my inability to see the world through male eyes might inhibit my relationship with my sons.
I've often thought there should be a Mars/Venus book aimed at parents of opposite sex children.
Dr. Robyn Silverman, a child and adolescent development specialist I've had the pleasure of interviewing in the past, recently penned a wonderful article on just that topic, Daddy's Little Girl and Mommy's Little Boy: Bonding with your Opposite Gendered Child. Among her suggestions:
- Take the cultural labels with a grain of salt. Best line: "Don't let anyone taint your relationship with your opposite gendered child."
- Open up communication. Best line: "Just because you might not understand some of the things your opposite-sex child is interested in doesn’t mean you can’t. "
- Treat your child with kindness and expect the same back. Best line: "Character does not need to be sacrificed in lieu of self expression."
For more tips, check out her full article. Then drop me a line and let me know how you bond with your son.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Blogging at the Speed of Life
Ever have one of those weeks where there just seems to be more life than time?
This week -- the third week in August -- is always my most challenging week of the summer. It's County Fair week here, and if you've ever had kids in 4-H, you know what that means. If you haven't, it means this: pressuring/assisting your kids to finish up their Fair projects, transporting said projects to Fair, listening to a lot of whining while your kids wait for Fair judging and spending approximately 50 buckson Fair food and midway rides.
The third week in August -- AKA, The Most Stressful Week of My Summer -- is also the week before The Most Relaxing Week of My Summer. Which means that that I must somehow find a way to cram two weeks of work into one. I do not always do this successfully.
Week 3 of August is also birthday week: two of my brothers, my Dad and my second son have birthdays this week. So add in party planning and cake baking. (Too bad none of my boys are in the cake decorating project in 4-H!)
In other words, my head is spinning too fast to impart any boy-raising wisdom today. Somehow, though, I think you know exactly how I feel. Somehow, I know that if you're raising boys, you've had days and weeks just like mine, days that fly by in such a flurry that you don't even know which end is up, much less what you're doing.
Those are the days it's easy to lose track, easy to feel overwhelmed by all the to-do-ness that comes with boys. Who has time to worry about the big picture when there are dirty socks on the floor and exactly one empty milk jug in the fridge?
Those are the days, though, when we need to remember that it's all about the big picture. I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately. Lately, my boys have been the obstacle, not the purpose.
Days like this, I need to remember to refocus. I need to remember to take a deep breath to quiet all the voices in my head. ('Cause yes, I am that crazy.) I need to reach for a pencil, start jotting down my to-do's and tackle them, one at a time. Then I need to tear up my to-do list and look at what's right in front of me: four boys, eager for my love. It's hard to see it sometimes, admist all the bickering and fighting, but it's there.
So tonight, I laid with my three-year-old and watched him drift off to sleep. I stroked his still-smooth skin and relished the feel of his little boy body, snuggling closer to mine. I enjoyed the moment -- then got back up to tackle the to-do's.
This week -- the third week in August -- is always my most challenging week of the summer. It's County Fair week here, and if you've ever had kids in 4-H, you know what that means. If you haven't, it means this: pressuring/assisting your kids to finish up their Fair projects, transporting said projects to Fair, listening to a lot of whining while your kids wait for Fair judging and spending approximately 50 buckson Fair food and midway rides.
The third week in August -- AKA, The Most Stressful Week of My Summer -- is also the week before The Most Relaxing Week of My Summer. Which means that that I must somehow find a way to cram two weeks of work into one. I do not always do this successfully.
Week 3 of August is also birthday week: two of my brothers, my Dad and my second son have birthdays this week. So add in party planning and cake baking. (Too bad none of my boys are in the cake decorating project in 4-H!)
In other words, my head is spinning too fast to impart any boy-raising wisdom today. Somehow, though, I think you know exactly how I feel. Somehow, I know that if you're raising boys, you've had days and weeks just like mine, days that fly by in such a flurry that you don't even know which end is up, much less what you're doing.
Those are the days it's easy to lose track, easy to feel overwhelmed by all the to-do-ness that comes with boys. Who has time to worry about the big picture when there are dirty socks on the floor and exactly one empty milk jug in the fridge?
Those are the days, though, when we need to remember that it's all about the big picture. I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately. Lately, my boys have been the obstacle, not the purpose.
Days like this, I need to remember to refocus. I need to remember to take a deep breath to quiet all the voices in my head. ('Cause yes, I am that crazy.) I need to reach for a pencil, start jotting down my to-do's and tackle them, one at a time. Then I need to tear up my to-do list and look at what's right in front of me: four boys, eager for my love. It's hard to see it sometimes, admist all the bickering and fighting, but it's there.
So tonight, I laid with my three-year-old and watched him drift off to sleep. I stroked his still-smooth skin and relished the feel of his little boy body, snuggling closer to mine. I enjoyed the moment -- then got back up to tackle the to-do's.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
With all, ahem, respect to Aretha Franklin, this post is about respect.
My good friend and fellow blogger, Sarah Ludwig (remember her from the blogathon?) is running a wonderful contest on her blog, Parenting By Trial and Error. She's giving away a book called The Secrets of Happy Families: Eight Keys to Building a Lifetime of Connection and Contentment.
Today she has an exceprt on her blog, and it's all about -- you guessed it -- respect: "It’s only natural that as individuals spend more time together, they will find things that irritate, annoy, or otherwise rub them the wrong way."
That's only the first sentence, but it definitely caught my attention! My boys are pros at irritating, annoying and otherwise rubbing each other the wrong way. And despite multiple conversations about the importance of respect, the concept just doesn't seem to be sinking on. As I told Sarah, my boys don't seem to understand why anyone, ever, would want to respect their brother. (Especially if he can hit him on the head instead.)
But this is the lesson I need to get through to my boys: "Respect doesn’t mean you have to like all aspects of any family member’s behavior...Respect [means] that you always treat all family members with dignity and seek a way to understand the world through their eyes."
Sound like a lesson your boys could use? Pop over to Sarah's blog and enter her contest.
I did!
My good friend and fellow blogger, Sarah Ludwig (remember her from the blogathon?) is running a wonderful contest on her blog, Parenting By Trial and Error. She's giving away a book called The Secrets of Happy Families: Eight Keys to Building a Lifetime of Connection and Contentment.
Today she has an exceprt on her blog, and it's all about -- you guessed it -- respect: "It’s only natural that as individuals spend more time together, they will find things that irritate, annoy, or otherwise rub them the wrong way."
That's only the first sentence, but it definitely caught my attention! My boys are pros at irritating, annoying and otherwise rubbing each other the wrong way. And despite multiple conversations about the importance of respect, the concept just doesn't seem to be sinking on. As I told Sarah, my boys don't seem to understand why anyone, ever, would want to respect their brother. (Especially if he can hit him on the head instead.)
But this is the lesson I need to get through to my boys: "Respect doesn’t mean you have to like all aspects of any family member’s behavior...Respect [means] that you always treat all family members with dignity and seek a way to understand the world through their eyes."
Sound like a lesson your boys could use? Pop over to Sarah's blog and enter her contest.
I did!
Friday, June 26, 2009
Fighting with Boys
I do not want to live my life in constant conflict with my kids. In fact, that's why I try to use more peaceful parenting techniques, why I try to be responsive to their needs and why I encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings with me.
And yet....sometimes it just happens.
Take this morning, for instance. Boy #2 was not happy. I'd signed him up for 4-H day camp and he did NOT want to go (as he told me in no uncertain terms).
To be fair, I knew that he wouldn't want to sign up for day camp. I know that he's felt that way for the last two years he's gone. I also know that he had an absolutely fabulous time every time he's attended, as evidenced by the huge smile and non-stop chatter on the way home.
So I signed him up anyway, in part because I knew he'd have fun and in part because I had work and appointments today and needed a safe, stimulating place for him.
As far as he was concerned, though, I was the meanest mommy in the world. I know it didn't help that he was tired today, after a series of four late nights. Ideally, he would have been well-rested before being confronted with a situation he finds challenging, to say the least. But real life isn't ideal.
He's probably at camp now, having a great time. I, meanwhile, still feel icky about the whole situation.
How do you feel when you fight with your boys? What do you fight about? How do you handle it when your boys' needs conflict with your own?
And yet....sometimes it just happens.
Take this morning, for instance. Boy #2 was not happy. I'd signed him up for 4-H day camp and he did NOT want to go (as he told me in no uncertain terms).
To be fair, I knew that he wouldn't want to sign up for day camp. I know that he's felt that way for the last two years he's gone. I also know that he had an absolutely fabulous time every time he's attended, as evidenced by the huge smile and non-stop chatter on the way home.
So I signed him up anyway, in part because I knew he'd have fun and in part because I had work and appointments today and needed a safe, stimulating place for him.
As far as he was concerned, though, I was the meanest mommy in the world. I know it didn't help that he was tired today, after a series of four late nights. Ideally, he would have been well-rested before being confronted with a situation he finds challenging, to say the least. But real life isn't ideal.
He's probably at camp now, having a great time. I, meanwhile, still feel icky about the whole situation.
How do you feel when you fight with your boys? What do you fight about? How do you handle it when your boys' needs conflict with your own?
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Snapshot Sunday: Brotherly Love
That's the sight I saw out my window the other day: Boy #2 helping Boy#3 ride his bike. See, it's not all just fighting around here.
That photo, BTW, is also the current Random Bike Photo at BIKE with Jackie, one of the amazing blogs participating in the May Blogathon. If you have any interesting bike photos, go ahead and send them to Jackie. She'd love to post them.
And speaking of the blogathon...today is the last day. You'll still be hearing from my blogathon buddies, though. I made some good friends and connections and plan to continue sharing guest posts with some outstanding writers and thinkers.
Tomorrow there will be a Blogathon Wrap-Up Party on Twitter. Time: 8:30 am Pacific, lasting approximately half an hour. Blogathoners from around the country will be gathering to discuss questions such as, "What new things did you learn about blogging?" and "What blogging tool or resource did you discover?"
If you're at all interested in blogging -- or just want to hear what a great bunch of writers have to say about the topic -- stop in. Look for the #MayBlog2 hashtag.
Unfortunately, I won't be there. I'll be taking Boy #1 to the orthodontist.
Oops -- Turns out, that's #2 with #4. I realized my mistake as soon as I stepped away from the computer. But like I told my sister-in-law: I'm forever getting their real names mixed up too. :)
Monday, January 26, 2009
Fight!
My boys (ages 3,5, 8 and 11) fight constantly. Don't believe me? Check out this excerpt from my article in the January - February issue of Home Education Magazine:
"Battles are part of our daily existence. Some are imaginative recreations of light saber battles or elaborate pirate swordfights. Others are purely physical explosions of energy (think wrestling on the living room floor). Still others are verbal, the natural tendency of boys to one-up each other. Whether it's handstands of fishing, countning or singing, whatever one of our boys can do, another claims he can do it better. Then, of course, there are the disagreements: Who gets to use the computer first. What channel to watch on TV. Whose turn it is to feed the cats."
My husband reassures me that fighting is a perfectly normal part of being a boy, but I just don't get it. I, of course, am a woman. I've never felt the need to tackle someone, just because he was nearby. And so I worried. After all, I want my boys to grow up to be productive members of society, and productive members of society don't wrestle each other at the first sign of a disagreement.
Then I read Why Gender Matters, a ground-breaking book by Dr. Leonard Sax. Boys, he writes, fight a lot -- in fact, boys fight 20 times more than girls, according to one psychologist who spent a year observing elementary schoolchildren at playgrounds. But the fighting doesn't seem to be destructive. The same psychologist found that boys who fight each other usually end up being better friends after the fight.
It turns out that human boys are not the only young mammals with a proclivity toward physical violence. Primatologists (scientists who study apes and monkeys) have long known that young male primates are far more likely to fight than young females. Some of this tendency towards physical aggression appears to be training for adults roles; among primates, males are far more likely to hunt and kill prey than females.
But it seems the aggression is also an important part of socialization, at least for males. "Wrestling and fighting with other males teaches them the rules of the game," writes Dr. Sax. "If young male primates are deprived of the opportunity to fight with other males, those males grow up to be more violent as adults, not less."
Looks like there's some hope for my boys after all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)