The Benefit of Brothers

My six-year-old recently told me, "You know what the good thing about having four brothers is? When we're all grown up, if a dude picks on us, we can take him down!"

He hesitated for a moment, then added, "And we'll have lots of practice from childhood!"

Setting Boundaries

Joyce Grant, of Getting Kids Reading, had a great post yesterday about why boys don't like school. She recently attended a Leonard Sax seminar and wrote a great summary of the biologically-based learning differences between boys and girls.

She also wrote about boundaries. I love point # 7:

Boys understand boundaries. Instead of saying, "no throwing snowballs," make some boundaries. "Snowball throwing within this area only." Boys get "inbounds vs. out-of-bounds." And they're good with it.

We can't outlaw boy behavior. We can't outlaw running and screaming and jumping. We can't ban all violent play, and we can't stop them from wrestling. If we do that, we send boys the message that their internal impulses are somehow wrong, and that's just, well, wrong.

We can, however, set some boundaries. We can help them redirect their energies. We can suggest, for instance, that they leap off the playground instead of off the couch. We can give them play guns (or not) while letting them know that it's not OK to point a weapon at someone in anger. We can provide safe spaces and sane boundaries (such as no hitting the head or groin)when they start to wrestle.

Providing boundaries recognizes and respects boys' innate needs, while teaching them basic social behavior. Providing boundaries allows boys to experiment with their power and strength in a safe way. Providing boundaries helps boys grow into confident men.

The next time your boys are driving you crazy, don't simply outlaw the behavior. Work with your boys to develop some boundaries instead.

Coping with Crisis

On the positive side, there are some girls who emerge out of the divorced, mother-headed households as exceptionally resilient young women. It seems that some young women thrive on the increased responsibilities and challenges that they face in these families, and they develop warm and deeply affectionate ties with their mothers. Similar findings do not occur for boys.
-- Robert Hughes Jr., PhD

Our family has been living apart for almost three months now. It's not easy -- Boy #4 continues to ask, several times a day, "When is Daddy going to live here again?" -- but we're surviving. Google, however, does not seem at all sure that we should thrive. Ever again.

A quick Google search of "boys" and "divorce" tells me that:

• Boys are more likely to react with anger, aggression and academic problems
• Boys are more likely to suffer depression when the father leaves home
• Boys may lose their connection with their mother as she takes on additional responsibility
• Boys may assume blame for the family break-up

Excuse me for not buying that bunch of baloney. My boys are hurting, to be sure. But more likely to react with anger, aggression and academic problems? That's boys in general. More likely to suffer depression? So are boys in general. As for losing connection and assuming blame -- doesn't that happen to all children of divorce?

Call me in denial, but I don't think that's impossible for boys to grow strong and healthy in the wake of a divorce. Challenging, yes. But if I've learned anything in my life, it's that people can overcome all kind of challenges.

So instead of subscribing to the gloom-and-doom, I'm going to teach my boys 9 Basic Rules to Make a Crisis Work for You, borrowed by Isolina Ricci's excellent book, Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child:

1. Don't Go Through a Crisis Alone

2. Learn What's Going On

3. Look for What Works and What Doesn't

4. Care for Your Inner Self and Spiritual Life

5. Take Care of Your Body and Find Safe Ways to Blow Off Steam

6. Keep a Positive but Realistic Perspective

7. Increase Your Skills

8. Watch You Language

9. Keep Your Sense of Humor

I'll be re-visiting these rules over the next few weeks, because I'm convinced that separation or no separation, these are important life skills for boys. Why don't you try putting them into practice in your own life as well? We'll compare notes soon!

Gun Play and Boys: Yay or Nay?

After I wrote about the contents of our toyroom, another boy mama wrote in with a question:

OMG! My son just (to my horror!) discovered ... guns! It's a total fixation since we were visiting another pal of mine with an older boy. I'm hoping it passes. I'm a big fan of gun control ... even the toys ones. Any advice for steering a 3 yr old away from the firearms?

She reminds me of me eight short (or is that long?) years ago.

Our oldest son was three, and up to that point, we'd sheltered him from toy guns. I grew up in a no-toy-gun household, even though I had four brothers; our squirt guns were animals or empty syrup bottles, never miniature guns. My husband was a former Marine (and an excellent shot), but I saw no need for my son to PLAY with something meant to cause death and destruction.

Then we moved into our house. The house came with excellent neighbors, but with the neighbors came toy guns. My son loved them -- the neighbors AND the guns.)

What was I to do? If I banned toy guns all together, my son would be left out of most neighborhood games. (Did I mention the high boy population in my neighborhood?) And even if I banned them, the damage was done: he'd seen the guns and he wanted one.

My husband -- a former boy himself -- advised me to not make it a big deal. Make it big deal, he said, and you'll only make things worse.

So I nervously watched while my innocent child played guns. I drafted an essay about his fascination with guns, and breathed a sigh of relief a few days later when I wrapped it up: After days of intense interest, the plastic gun lay forgotten next to the toy box while my son once again watched Elmo.

If only I was to be so lucky.

That same son is now 11, and his favorite channel on TV is the Military Channel. Guns are no longer his weapon of choice; he'd much rather wield a light saber when saving the world. He does, however, have a BB gun and pellet gun and enjoys shooting targets in the garage.

So no -- I don't have any advice for steering a three-year-old away from guns. I do have some reassuring words, though. A fascination with guns does not mean your son is going to turn into a crazed homicidal maniac. It doesn't mean that your son is someday going to shoot up his school. It doesn't even mean he'll become a hunter.

Lest you think I'm making this up, the research backs me up on this one:

• Gun play helps boys learn the difference between real violence and fantasy violence. So says a study published in the American Journal of Play. Boys, as we've discussed before, are biologically prone to aggression. Pretend gun play gives them a chance to experiment with aggression and power without actually hurting anyone. It also gives them the chance to play the hero.



• Playing with guns helps boys develop a sense of their masculinity. I know -- I'm doubtful about this one too. But the author of the same study suggests that "boys' play with guns is in, part, an important test or proof of their masculinity."



• Gun play helps boys process real violence. Nancy Carlsson-Paige, co-author of, Who's Calling the Shots?: How to Respond Effectively to Children's Fascination with War Play and War Toys, says,"If parents 'ban' gun play, they run the risk of cutting off a valuable vehicle children need for processing the violence [because] kids use their play to make meaning of what they have expereienced in life, and in this case, of the violence they have seen." (Which can include everything from cartoons to TV shows, video games and books.)

What do you think? Do you think playing with guns inspires violence? What's the gun control policy at your house?

Bad News Boys

One thing you learn when you write a blog about boys: a lots of the news about boys is negative.

Think about the stories you've heard in the news lately. When was the last time you heard something positive about a boy? (Short of the every-so-often Eagle Scout announcement.) Most of the stories are about boys failing, boys murdering, boys drowning, boys beating.

The news out of Milwaukee this month includes boys beating an elderly man, dancing atop cars and vandalizing a car dealership. In each case, at least one of the boys claimed his motive was boredom.

Clearly, we need to find productive things for our boys to do. And clearly, boredom does not excuse bad behavior.

Our boys need us -- parents, families and communities -- to set health and safety limits. But our boys also need us to show them the positive path. What are some positive way boys can channel their energy? Some positive ways they can channel their innate sense of competition? Some positive ways they can seize and exercise power?

We also need to talk about the positive things our boys are doing. Beyond the fact that headlines for bad behavior may actually encourage more bad behavior, positive news stories can inspire other boys. Just imagine: what if our boys grew up surrounded by a million positive messages? What if they heard about all the ways other boys are helping their communities? What if your son heard the story of one other boy, and that story touched something inside him? Your son might never be the same again -- and this case, that would be a good thing.

Think about it: What messages are surrounding your sons? How can you help counter the constant flow of bad news boys?

Guest Blog: You Get the Kid You Need

Our guest blogger today is Jeanne Faulconer, articles editor at Home Education Magazine and a homeschooling Mom of -- you guessed it! -- boys. This particular post was an originally written as part of a thread on the HEM-Writers List. We'd been discussing my HEM article, "Fight!", which I wrote about here, and that led us to wonder and write about how our parenting style affects our boys -- and how our boys affect us. Enjoy!

I've always been a little suspicious of a purist philosophy that some parenting experts bring: "if you do this, your kids will be this way.” I always EXPECTED my kids to work their problems out nonviolently, and we constantly worked on their having the tools and ability to do this; however, the reality that I experienced was quite a shock to my system.

I'm one of those gentle souls, an attachment parenting and LLL-type, and was predisposed to thinking that I could nurture my kids a certain way and get acertain outcome. And then my kids proved different! What I now think is that nurture is VERY important - and I'm proud that our way of parenting has helped our boys know the importance of moderating and not being Lord of theFlies-ish. But I also think that nature is very important, and that kids' bring genetic components to personality and energy level and competitive spirit that will shine through despite my best efforts to promote collaboration and contemplation!

My youngest son in particular is off the charts in terms of competitiveness, high energy, persistence, etc. He has challenged me to not only nurture his artistic side and help him curb his more uncivilized tendencies, but also to set boundaries and recognize a need for providing balance when my own"nature" is much more peaceful.

I chuckle to myself every time I hear Cesar Millan say this on his show, The Dog Whisperer: "You don't get the dog you want; you get the dog you need."

At my house, that's worked kid-wise. I probably needed three highly-competitive boys to mitigate my belief that I was powerful enough to shape human nature. My third son in particular caused me to develop some perspective and interpersonal skills that I would never had developed had I not had a kidwho needed a mom with those skills - some of which have been very challenging for me to try to acquire.

Fight!

My boys (ages 3,5, 8 and 11) fight constantly. Don't believe me? Check out this excerpt from my article in the January - February issue of Home Education Magazine:

"Battles are part of our daily existence. Some are imaginative recreations of light saber battles or elaborate pirate swordfights. Others are purely physical explosions of energy (think wrestling on the living room floor). Still others are verbal, the natural tendency of boys to one-up each other. Whether it's handstands of fishing, countning or singing, whatever one of our boys can do, another claims he can do it better. Then, of course, there are the disagreements: Who gets to use the computer first. What channel to watch on TV. Whose turn it is to feed the cats."
My husband reassures me that fighting is a perfectly normal part of being a boy, but I just don't get it. I, of course, am a woman. I've never felt the need to tackle someone, just because he was nearby. And so I worried. After all, I want my boys to grow up to be productive members of society, and productive members of society don't wrestle each other at the first sign of a disagreement.

Then I read Why Gender Matters, a ground-breaking book by Dr. Leonard Sax. Boys, he writes, fight a lot -- in fact, boys fight 20 times more than girls, according to one psychologist who spent a year observing elementary schoolchildren at playgrounds. But the fighting doesn't seem to be destructive. The same psychologist found that boys who fight each other usually end up being better friends after the fight.

It turns out that human boys are not the only young mammals with a proclivity toward physical violence. Primatologists (scientists who study apes and monkeys) have long known that young male primates are far more likely to fight than young females. Some of this tendency towards physical aggression appears to be training for adults roles; among primates, males are far more likely to hunt and kill prey than females.

But it seems the aggression is also an important part of socialization, at least for males. "Wrestling and fighting with other males teaches them the rules of the game," writes Dr. Sax. "If young male primates are deprived of the opportunity to fight with other males, those males grow up to be more violent as adults, not less."

Looks like there's some hope for my boys after all.