Banish the Bad Guys?

If you have boys at home, you know they're built for battle. Whether you allow gun play or not, whether you own a TV or not, I'll willing to bet that your boys have played some kind of war/cops-robbers/good guy-bad guy game -- probably within the last 24 hours.

But not all adults are comfortable with this kind of play, and that can be a problem for boys in school, in daycare and at home.

A recent MSNBC article, "Bring it: Boys may benefit from aggressive play," analyzed the research on both sides of the story and concluded that there is nothing inherently wrong with boys' battle play. However, many teachers (and some parents) continue to believe that allowing mock battle play will somehow reinforce violent attitudes and behavior.

And, on a practical note, many teachers and parents simply find battle play harder to deal with than, say, pretend house play. In the MSNBC article, researcher Mary Ellin Logue is quoted as saying, "We don't want to condone violence, we don't want to risk it getting out of control..."

I can relate to that concern. As a parent, it can be extraordinarily difficult for me to let the battle play continue, especially when I see the stakes rising or a younger brother getting frustrated. As a parent, I know only all too well that the line between happy play and sobbing child is tissue-paper thin. As a parent, it sometimes seems that would it be much easier -- for me -- to squash the battle play all together than to deal with raised voices, swinging swords and potentially unhappy children. But is that best for my boys?

I think not, and the research agrees with me. Sophisticated play (yes, even play that includes one team holding down the fort while the other tries to break in) helps children learn delayed gratification, consideration for other's perspectives and impulse control. It also encourages imagination and storytelling, two skills that are crucial for later success in writing. And battle play may even help children deal with their inner demons. Some researchers suggest that fighting against "the bad guys" is little boys' way of working through their own less-than-admirable impulses. "These bad guys," Logue is quoted as saying, "give them a way to externalize that part of them that they are trying to conquer."

So before you rush in to break up your sons' battles, take a breath. Watch. Listen. Observe. And when you feel your adrenaline rising, remember these words of Michael Thompson, author of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys: "Play, rougher in its themes and rougher physically, is a feature of boyhood in every society on Earth."

Snapshot Sunday: Summer Snow

Want to know what happens next? Visit me on Facebook. Tell me you came from Blogging 'Bout Boys and you'll get to see the whole, glorious, messy scene.

Snapshot Sunday: A Homemade Boat

This is the Racecar...

...that my son and his friend built. Notice the smile of absolute pride on Boy #2's face? (Yep, he's the one in the back.)

I could have said no to their little adventure. I could have squashed their enthusiasm with fears and complaints and a litany of reasons as as to why their crazy scheme to convert a broken wagon into a racecar was nothing more than a crazy scheme.

But I didn't. When I heard hammers pounding in backyard, I let them be. When they asked me for paint to color their spoiler, I gave them paint. When they wanted me to drill holes so they could attach the new base to the wheels -- at 8:00 at night, as I was tucking my younger boys into bed -- I very reasonably told them to ask the friend's dad. And when they asked me to come look at their creation, I followed them outside, even though it was dark and I had a million things to do.

We parents tend to obsess about what we say to our children, but good parenting, I believe, is also built on what we don't say.

Creativity at Work

Ever notice how a boy's best "toy" is his imagination? Leave a boy alone with time, materials and space, and he'll find something to do. (Maybe after complaining he's bored for a half hour or so, but eventually, he'll find something to do!)

One of our two red wagons gave out a few weeks ago. After being left out in a rain, oh, 100 times too many, the wooden bottom finally gave way. Boy #2 removed the bottom and replaced it with a piece of plywood to make a racer.

That was a pretty cool invention, but nowhere near as cool as what he and his friend dreamed up today. Today, they realized that most of the original base was salvageable, the only the bottom piece was affected. So they tore out the bottom and replaced it with a different piece of wood, leaving the slightly built-up side pieces intact. They also added a spoiler on the back because, well, they're boys.

They worked for hours. They used hammers, nails, wood stain (to color the spoiler), drills (with adult supervision), nuts and bolts. And they are 100% completely satisfied with their creation. In the words of Boy #2, "Today was the best Thursday ever!"

I wanted to include pics, I really did. But my camera ran out of batteries just as I was getting ready to download -- and there are no more AA batteries in the house. That'll happen in a house of boys!

Pics -- and reflection -- to come later.

Guest Post: Nathan Musack on Spontaneous Learning

Nathan Musack is maintenance technician, writer, musician and follower of Blogging 'Bout Boys. He's also the father of four children: Twin boys (11), a daughter (8), and another little boy (2). When he mentioned the hole-turned-archeological-dig in his backyard, I just had to hear more.

In mid March, my twin sons and some of their friends started digging a hole in our garden. Personally, I would have forbidden this activity. However, my wife allowed it because it kept them out of the house during their spring break. Our home is That House: the house where all the kids gather. It is not unusual for us to have 7 to 10 kids in our yard. You can understand mom's need to keep them outside.

This hole started out as a fox hole for a war game the kids were playing. My wife and I are continually amazed at the creative, imaginative play our children engage in. This kind of activity is not unusual in our household. We encourage and support (and often clean up after), their creativity.

Our garden is in a corner of the yard that must have been a trash heap or burning area at one time. As the kids were digging and the hole got deeper and bigger, they started to find pieces of glass, porcelain, crockery, etc. The fox hole had now become an archaeological dig and a wonderful spontaneous learning experience for all of us. We explained to the children that at the time the house was built, 1903, trash was often burned. There were no recycle bins for glass or anything else.

The kids discovered three intact items during their dig. One was a small, clear glass bottle. We explained that it once likely held an extract or something of that nature. The second item was a clear glass jar. It is difficult to say exactly what this was for, but it is likely that it was a canning jar. The jewel of their discoveries is a brown glass bottle about the size of a 20 oz water bottle. This bottle had the word, “Kepler”, around the neck and Wellcome on the bottom. The neat thing about this bottle is we were able to research it online. It turns out this bottle once contained a formula of cod liver oil and malt extract.

Of course I got the pleasure of filling the hole in and reclaiming our garden. Planting time is coming.

Have your boys been involved in any spontaneous learning adventures lately? Tell me about them!

Snapshot Sunday: Playdough and Trucks

Ingenuity (or, What do Do with Autumn Leaves)

Here in Wisconsin, it is officially Fall -- cloudy skies, cool temps, winter jackets and lots and lots of leaves. And as far as I and my boys are concerned, there is absolutely one thing you must do with your leaves in the fall. Jump in them!

Boy #3 spent hours yesterday raking leaves from the front yard and transferring them to the side yard. (Near the picnic table, he explained. So you can jump off it.) He and his brothers had a blast jumping in the crunchy, cushy pile. "And don't worry, Mom," he told me later. "We cleaned it all up."

This struck me as odd, not the least because my boys are not exactly great about cleaning up after themselves. And cleaning up after a leaf pile? That was something I'd never even asked them to do.

Being a smart mom, I did not inquire further. Who I am to squelch their desire for order, their sense of responsibilty? I did think it odd that there was no neatly raked leaf pile (my idea of how they might have cleaned up) or leaves on the curb (would they possibly have jumped in them and then taken them to the curb for pick up?), but shrugged it off as one more unknowable thing of parenting.

Then I walked into the garage this morning and discovered their stash: One wheelbarrow, full of leaves. One garbage can, full of leaves. One five-gallon bucket, full of leaves. My boys, it seemed, decided to pack their leaf pile away for another day.

The same boys who can barely be bothered to pick up their rooms managed to clean up and store a pile of autumn leaves.

What have your boys done lately that's surprised you?

Are Boys Overscheduled?

You've heard it before: Kids today are too busy. Between school and sports, church and community, there's simply no time to just be.

Writer Laura Vanderkam disagrees. The author of the forthcoming book 168 Hours passionately argued her point in a recent Wall Street Journal article, The Myth of the Overscheduled Child.

Vanderkam argues that everyone has the same 168 hours a week. (7 X 24) By her calucations, a boy who sleeps 9 hours a night and attends school 30 hours per week still has 73 hours left. And according to data from the University of Maryland, homework usually only takes up another 5 hours. Sports, 4 hours. Other organizations, less than 1.5 hours.

Obviously, those are averages. Some boys do more; some do less. The point, Vanderkam says, is that our children are not grossly overscheduled.

I'm not entirely convinced of her point -- and I was less convinced when I when read that she thinks moms have plenty of time in a day as well.

But one sentence made me think. Talking about the 40% of American children who are uninvolved in extracurricular activities, Vanderkam writes:

"Unfortunately, these young people tend not to fill their free time with the high-quality unstructured play that pundits praise. Many are at home, by themselves, watching TV..."

What do you think? Do you think boys are overscheduled? Or do you think they need more outside stimulation? Are too many of our boys frittering away their time?

Snapshot Sunday: Ingenuity

A plastic slide, a kayak paddle and a lake. What more do you need?

The First Day of School

Today, kids all around town woke to alarm clocks and backpacks. Mine awoke to a pile of cardboard tubes and hacksaws.

While other kids crammed into desks on a beautiful, perfect 73 degree day, mine were sawing tubes in two. While other kids rose and sat to the sound of a bell, mine created contraptions of their own imagination. While other kids sat through History and Reading, mine learned about the Battle of Fallujah and listened to Huck Finn -- and spent the afternoon with great aunts and uncles who lived through the Depression and World War II.

We're a homeschooling family and today, I was glad.

Dozens of research studies have revealed a multitude of differences in the ways boys and girls learn. For the most part, boys are more active, hands-on learners than girls. Boys learn best when they see how a lesson directly applies to life and boys, biologically, require movement to absorb information.

Cut back to the tubes.

The tubes (and saws) were their Dad's idea. His office was clearing some space, so he loaded his car with the carboard tubes (think Christmas wrapping paper tubes, but much larger and more sturdy) and stopped by Home Depot to buy hacksaws and duct tape. Then he deposited the supplies on the toyroom for the boys to discover when they woke up.

Their creativity immediately took over -- and apparently, the focal points for creativity and bickering are located in the same lobe of the brain, because while my boys were actively engaged, the house was almost peaceful. I say almost because, well, hacksaws sawing through cardboard are not exactly peaceful.

Today, I saw boys learning in a way that suits boys. They were moving. They were using tools. They were creating structures that had meaning in their lives. Boy #1 is working hard to make a fort. Boy #2 has half a robot completed. Boy #3 was inspired by the tubes to finally build and paint the bench he'd wanted to make. (Not exactly a typical first-day-of-school assignment for a first grader).

They kept moving even while learning in a more traditional sense, while watching the Fallujah documentary and listening to Huck Finn. They might have looked like they weren't learning -- after all, there was cardboard everywhere and they continued to saw -- but I guarantee, they were learning.

At one point, Boy #1 walked through the toyroom and saw Boy #4 intently sawing a tube. "This doesn't happen in most houses," he said.

Nope, I agreed. I wish, though, that it did. I'm willing to bet that most boys would pick hacksaws and tubes over alarm clocks and backpacks anyday.

9 Things Every Boy Needs

1. Destruction
2. Sports
3. Trading cards
4. Video games
5. TV
6. Forts
7. Junk food
8. Underpants
9. Fun

In case you haven't guessed, that list was 100% boy-generated. Boy #2 and a friend paused their Pokemon game long enough to help me after I decided that my list lacked pizzazz.

Compared to theirs, my list is downright boring:

1. A close friend that "gets" him
2. Access to dirt
3. Freedom to get dirty
4. Time to imagine
5. Hugs & kisses
6. Books
7. An adult to show him the world
8. Space to move and explore
9. Animals

But see? That's the difference between adults and kids. If I give my boys everything on my list, they'll be safe and healthy. But as far as they're concerned, their world will lack pizzazz.

Do I think boys need trading cards, TV and junk food? No. After all, boys lived for hundreds of thousands of millions of years without any of those things. For today's boys, though, a sprinking of trading cards, TV, junk food and video games equals fun. It's a chance to do something that's not inherently good for them.

And yet, a closer reading of their list reveals that the boys are right on track. Destruction is a chance to play with primitive urges while learning how things work. Sports are an excelllent opportunity for movement and competition and trading cards exercise boys' math and organizational skills more than any text book.

Video games develop boys' visual-spatial skills while allowing them to experiment with good and evil, while TV is a window to the wider world. Building forts exercises imagination and places the world (or at least a small piece of it) directly under their control. Junk food appeals to their desire to choose, and underpants -- well, do you know any boy who wants to walk around with his stuff hanging out?

Fun, though, is the key. My list is a great list (if I do say so myself), but if I slog through it with a sense of obligation, my boys will still be lacking. So join me -- take a moment today and figure out how you can inject some fun into your boys' lives.

I guarantee you'll have fun too.

Gun Play and Boys: Yay or Nay?

After I wrote about the contents of our toyroom, another boy mama wrote in with a question:

OMG! My son just (to my horror!) discovered ... guns! It's a total fixation since we were visiting another pal of mine with an older boy. I'm hoping it passes. I'm a big fan of gun control ... even the toys ones. Any advice for steering a 3 yr old away from the firearms?

She reminds me of me eight short (or is that long?) years ago.

Our oldest son was three, and up to that point, we'd sheltered him from toy guns. I grew up in a no-toy-gun household, even though I had four brothers; our squirt guns were animals or empty syrup bottles, never miniature guns. My husband was a former Marine (and an excellent shot), but I saw no need for my son to PLAY with something meant to cause death and destruction.

Then we moved into our house. The house came with excellent neighbors, but with the neighbors came toy guns. My son loved them -- the neighbors AND the guns.)

What was I to do? If I banned toy guns all together, my son would be left out of most neighborhood games. (Did I mention the high boy population in my neighborhood?) And even if I banned them, the damage was done: he'd seen the guns and he wanted one.

My husband -- a former boy himself -- advised me to not make it a big deal. Make it big deal, he said, and you'll only make things worse.

So I nervously watched while my innocent child played guns. I drafted an essay about his fascination with guns, and breathed a sigh of relief a few days later when I wrapped it up: After days of intense interest, the plastic gun lay forgotten next to the toy box while my son once again watched Elmo.

If only I was to be so lucky.

That same son is now 11, and his favorite channel on TV is the Military Channel. Guns are no longer his weapon of choice; he'd much rather wield a light saber when saving the world. He does, however, have a BB gun and pellet gun and enjoys shooting targets in the garage.

So no -- I don't have any advice for steering a three-year-old away from guns. I do have some reassuring words, though. A fascination with guns does not mean your son is going to turn into a crazed homicidal maniac. It doesn't mean that your son is someday going to shoot up his school. It doesn't even mean he'll become a hunter.

Lest you think I'm making this up, the research backs me up on this one:

• Gun play helps boys learn the difference between real violence and fantasy violence. So says a study published in the American Journal of Play. Boys, as we've discussed before, are biologically prone to aggression. Pretend gun play gives them a chance to experiment with aggression and power without actually hurting anyone. It also gives them the chance to play the hero.



• Playing with guns helps boys develop a sense of their masculinity. I know -- I'm doubtful about this one too. But the author of the same study suggests that "boys' play with guns is in, part, an important test or proof of their masculinity."



• Gun play helps boys process real violence. Nancy Carlsson-Paige, co-author of, Who's Calling the Shots?: How to Respond Effectively to Children's Fascination with War Play and War Toys, says,"If parents 'ban' gun play, they run the risk of cutting off a valuable vehicle children need for processing the violence [because] kids use their play to make meaning of what they have expereienced in life, and in this case, of the violence they have seen." (Which can include everything from cartoons to TV shows, video games and books.)

What do you think? Do you think playing with guns inspires violence? What's the gun control policy at your house?

Simple Things

Today, my boys' favorite toys are yarn, clay and plastic cups.

They have spent hours wrapping each other in yarn and creating intricate "spider-webs" all around the house. The sounds of their laughter tickle my heart as I see the joy they've unleashed with their imaginations. Simple thread -- yet to my boys, it's all the need for active and creative play.

Same thing with the clay and plastic cups. I came downstairs after my shower to the sound of something crashing into the cups and cups cascading to the floor. The game? Bowling. My eight-year-old and five-year-old had gathered a bunch of our plastic cups and arranged them on the dining room table, bowling-pin style. Then, using the clay they'd been messing with all morning (previously, the clay had been a "snowman"), they crafted a "bowling ball." And again, with their imaginations, created an indoor bowling alley far cheaper than those they coveted in a Christmas catalogs.

Boxes are another long-time favorite. Boxes have been everything from snowmobiles to forts to rocket ships. (I will never forget my then-three-year-old's disappointment when his "rocket' failed to launch after his 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-0 countdown.)

Of course, my sons take part in more technological pleasures as well. They LOVE playing Command and Conquer on the computer and spend hours playing Star Wars Legos on their Wii. But sometimes, the simple things are best.