Spring Break

Know what my boys are doing for Spring Break this year?

Nothing.

Well, not exactly nothing. They're doing chores. Playing Minecraft. And eating Easter candy. Right now, they're outside playing a game called Survival with two friends. I don't know what exactly this game entails, except that there are two teams and it involves mud.

In other words, this Spring Break is almost completely unstructured and unplanned.

I felt bad about that at first. Last year, we went to Chicago over Spring Break.

This year, I neglected to pencil Spring Break into my work calendar -- and my boys' 11-day Spring Break co-incidentally coincides with a slew of April deadlines for me. The result? Spring Break at home.

And you know what? The boys are having a great time. After weeks and weeks and weeks of structured time -- think school and sports -- they're loving the fact that they get to decide what to do when. They're more relaxed than I've seen them in a long time. And they're using their brains and bodies to explore and experience the world.

Sounds like a perfect Spring Break to me.

Why It Pays to Know Your Sons

Flickr photo by Thomªs'

I can't stop thinking about the blog post I read this morning on MOB (Mothers of Boys -- check it out).

The post, 4 Ways to Protect Your Sons From Abuse, was inspired, in part, by the sexual abuse of boys by Jerry Sandusky at Penn State University. Like my earlier post, Penn State & Sexual Abuse, it details steps parents can take to decrease the odds of their son being sexually (or otherwise) abused.

But the part that sticks in my head is this: One mom starting questioning her son (and others) after he came home from Penn State with wet hair.

Wet hair, friends.

This mom knew her son and his routines so well that she knew there was absolutely no reason for him to be coming home at that time, from that place, with wet hair. She was so in-tune with her son that she actually noticed his wet hair when he came home; she didn't just mutter a cursory "hi" without looking up from her computer or the dishes or whatever else she was doing at that moment. She saw her son, and she knew something was not right.

Now, I'm not saying that the other parents, those who didn't know about the abuse until later, were not in-tune with their sons, or that they didn't love them. What happened to these boys (now men) at the hands of Sandusky was reprehensible, and Sandusky is solely responsible for his acts. I don't mean to lay blame, at all, at the feet of the victimized.

But think about it. The warning signs of all kinds of things -- sexual abuse, physical abuse, bullying, trouble in school -- are subtle. And the only way to catch those signs to to know what "normal" is.

Normal varies from kid to kid. I've got one son who insists on wearing jeans and a certain baseball hat with his sunglasses perched atop just so, each and every day. My other three sons wear hats on occasion only, and it would be no big deal (and not at all unusual) for them to come home from somewhere without their hats. (Am I the only one whose boys have a tendency to leave things lay?) But if my jean-and-hat-wearing son suddenly came home without his hat, or with broken sunglasses, and didn't have a plausible story, I'd know something might be up.

The questioning mom was fully aware of her son's routine too. She knew he didn't normally take a shower or get wet while at Penn State. Do you know your boys' routines? It can be hard to keep up with all of the details, especially if you have more than one child. But when you know what usually happens at your sons' practices, or his usual after school routine, you're better able to communicate with him, and better equipped to notice when something is out of whack. If your son usually comes home from football practice all dirty and sweaty, and comes home with barely a streak on him one day, it's time to ask questions. The answer might be perfectly innocent and plausible: maybe the team watched and discussed video of their opponents before the big game. Ninety-nine percent of the time, in fact, variations in routine are just that: simple variations.

The only way to notice a variation, though, is to know the usual pattern. So pay attention to your boys. Know what they like, who they hang out with, and what they do in the course of a normal day. And then, be there for them, whenever possible. I know that it's not always possible to be home the moment your son arrives home, or to always be the one to pick him up from daycare or practice. That's OK. What's important is knowing your son, and sharing the information with others as needed. (Your childcare provider, for instance, should know all about your sons' likes and dislikes and regular routine.)

Know your son, and then act on your intuition. Some kids will come straight out and tell you when something is not right. Others will clam up. If your son refuses to tell you what's going on, or if something about his answer seems off, ask questions. Ask friends. Ask coaches. Ask teachers. If your intuition is nagging at you, keep going.

Odds are, you -- and your son -- will be glad you did.

How (Not) to Talk To Boys

Maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive to language right now. Or maybe I just strongly believe that little boys should have the freedom to be little boys, without hearing verbal messages that imply they're somehow not manly enough.

Last night, I attended my 6-yr-old son's first baseball game of the season. This is the first year he's in coach-pitch baseball; instead of hitting the ball off of a tee, the kids hit balls lobbed by a pitching machine. (Well, unless they miss it too many times. Then they get to whack it off the tee.) For the most part, it's an age-appropriate introduction to the sport, and the boys and girls on his team, who range from age 6 to age 8, seem to enjoy it.

But I heard one comment last night that made my cringe.

The young boy who was playing right field was, um, not exactly paying attention to the game anymore. It was late in the game, and his focus had wandered elsewhere. His body was turned toward the playground located just outside the ball field fence, and he was kicking at the dirt.

His coach, meanwhile, was touring the outfield, trying to get his players' heads in the game. "Ball player ready!" he'd call, and his players would hunch forward and bend their knees, with their gloves at the ready. Except the right fielder. So the coach wandered over.

"Timmy,' he said (except he didn't say Timmy, 'cause that's not the kid's real name), "are you one of those who loves to play with the sand?"

The kid didn't answer.

The coach wandered closer. "I think you are. I think you're one who likes to play in the sand. Are you one of those who loves to play in the sand, or are you a ballplayer?!"

Photo by Greg Westfall via Flickr

The kid didn't respond. He reluctantly turned from the playground and crouched over, but I couldn't help but wonder what message he took home from the coach's words.

Can't a kid -- a 6-year-old kid, no less! -- love to play in the sand AND be a ballplayer? Why do the two have to be exclusive? And in this case, it was very, very clear that the coach was communicating that "ballplayer" was preferable to "sand player."

I fear that the young boy in question will learn that playing in the sand is not OK. That it's better -- and manlier -- to play ball. But who says so? And why? That I think, is what troubles me the most about the coach's comment: the child has no way to critically analyze the messages that are sent his way. He (and virtually all children) hear the things said by the adults around them, and accept them as true. Without even realizing it, this kid will soon internalize the idea that playing the sand is bad.

I understand that the coach doesn't want his outfielders playing in the sand during a game. But isn't there a better way to communicate that message? How about, "Timmy, get ready! Hands on your knees!"?

What do you think?

Summer Saturday and Strep Throat

It's been been one of those weekends around here...

It was going to be a crazy weekend, no matter what. Boy #2 is playing in a baseball tournament Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Our church also has a lot going on: Sunday service, all-church breakfast, member pictures, and youth group. Which I was supposed to be coordinating.

When I realized it's impossible -- or at least highly stressful -- to be two places at once, I called the pastor and told her we'd have to cancel youth group. She completely understood, and bonus! Turns out that most of our youth group is playing in the tourney, so no one was planning on coming anyway.

Perfect. The puzzle had been solved. Or so I thought.

Then I went to pick my boys up from school yesterday afternoon. (Because, you know, we had to be out at the tourney within the hour.) As soon as I saw Boy #3, though, I knew. He was sick.

It was nearly 80 degrees outside, yet he was wearing his hooded sweatshirt. With the hood up and pulled tight. And he kind of slouched to the van while looking like he could cry at any time. So I did what any mom would do, given the circumstances: I dropped Boy #2 off at home, told him to get ready for the tournament and took Boy #3 straight to the walk-in clinic. Diagnosis: Strep Throat. (Apparently, he wasn't kidding when he complained of a headache and sore throat off and on over the last few days.)

Does this happen to anyone else? You tweak, you nudge, you plan, and still an added complication gets thrown into the mix.

Somehow, we survive, right? We move on to Plan B and Plan C and Plan D, if necessary. We call in  help from family and friends. We skip events, if we have to. Somehow, we survive.

But don't you ever wish that life would stop handing you extra degrees of difficulty? I do!

Penn State and Sexual Abuse

I've been thinking about Penn State a lot lately.

By now, you've heard the story: Jerry Sandusky, a former Penn State football coach, has been charged with molesting eight boys over a 15-year period. Sandusky denies molesting anyone, though he admits to showering and "horsing around" with young boys.

Whether or not the allegations against Sandusky are true, the fact remains that sexual abuse of young boys is a problem. One in six boys will be a victim of sexual abuse before the age of 18. Most will know their perpetrator.

Scared yet? I am. While I truly believe that most people who work with kids are good, kind people, statistics, case studies and anecdotal data tell me that there are some bad people out there as well. And the real problem is that the bad guys don't always look like the bad guys.

Sexual abusers are often, on the surface, well-liked members of the community. Many of them appear genuinely concerned about kids; many of them have convinced themselves that they are genuinely concerned about kids. But sexual abusers gradually break down boundaries. Sexual abuse may start with a gentle touch. Who, after all, is going to object to a slow back rub from a coach who's an all-around good guy?

Put yourself in the place of potential victim. Imagine, for a minute, that you are 10-years-old. That your home life is less-than-stellar. Not abusive, necessarily; just less-than-nurturing. Perhaps your mom works all the time to support the family. Maybe your dad just lost his job and is feeling kind of depressed. Maybe your parents are too busy to really spend time with you, and maybe, in your heart of hearts, you're feeling a little bit lonely.

Along comes a coach. Where your parents see an interruption and interference, he sees potential. He spends time with you. He tells you you're special. He smiles when he sees you coming; your mom frowned today when she saw your report card.

So when your coach invites you to his house after practice, you feel honored. His family is so nice to you!

Now...imagine this scenario playing out over a matter of months or years. Imagine the warm feelings you develop for the coach. Now imagine that the coach touches your back just a little too long after dinner one day. The quick squeeze of the shoulders turns into something else -- fingers rubbing up and down your back. It feels odd, but it's over as soon as it starts.

Would you tell someone? Probably not. After all, "nothing" really happened, and Coach is a good guy. Besides, you're 10; he's the adult. It seemed normal to Coach, so you're probably just over-reacting.

Most sexual abusers groom their victims over a period of time. After gaining the victim's trust, there are gradual violations of the victim's boundaries. By the time the hard-core sexual abuse happens, the abuser has essentially trained the child to ignore the boundary violations. The abuser has become an important part of the child's life. And sometimes, the abuse feels good on a physical level. Imagine the shame and confusion felt by a child who actually felt a moment of pleasure when sexually abused by a trusted adult!

It's up to us, as parents and community members, to create safe environments for our children.

How do we do that?

1. Love our children. All children need to feel special, loved and valuable. Love your children, and be kind to their friends as well. Listen to their hopes, dreams and fears. Support their efforts and desires. A child with a strong sense of self and a strong support system at home is not an attractive target for sexual abuse.

2. Teach children to question authority. Teachers and coaches and priests are not always right. Let your child know that it's OK to ask questions and express opinions --- and live that lesson in your home. Encourage children to think critically; welcome their questions and queries.

3. Minimize opportunity. One-on-one situations are the most dangerous for kids. Does that mean that your child can never go fishing with an adult friend? No. It means that you better know that friend awfully well first. And that you should pay close attention to your child's behavior before and after outings with the friend. At the first sign of trouble, halt all further contact until you figure out what's going on.

4. Teach children the difference between good and bad secrets. Abusers often convince children to keep "their secret." So be sure to tell your child about the different kinds of secrets. Good secrets -- like birthday surprises -- are ones that make people feel happy. Good secrets are only kept for a certain period of time before they're revealed. Bad secrets, on the other hand, make you feel yucky inside. Bad secrets are ones that are supposed to be kept forever. Tell your child that you will help him handle bad secrets.

5. Steer away from adults who exhibit risky behavior. According to a recent CNN.com article, adults who don't respect your rules when they're with your child may be setting up an unhealthy dynamic. Also be alert for adults who want to spend time alone with kids.

6. Respond to symptoms. Be alert for these possible symptoms of abuse:

• Change in appearance. Kids who are being sexually abused may start dressing in baggy, unattractive clothing.
• Withdrawal and social isolation. It's common for teens to spend time alone in their rooms. But if your child has pulled away from all his friends, something more might be going on.
  
• Anxiety. Some kids will be anxious before specific activities. Other sexually abused kids experience general anxiety.
  
• Decreased school performance. Have your child's grades recently dropped, for no explainable reason?
  
• Disinterest in usual activities. If your formerly hyped-up-about-football son loses interest in the sport, it's up to you to figure out what's up.

7. Report your suspicions. According to the first reports out of Penn State, another football coach called his dad -- not the police --after witnessing a disturbing scene between Sandusky and a 10-year-old boy. (The coach has since said he talked with the police). Frankly, I can understand how shock might impair activity. But the bottom line is this: kids' lives are on the line. Sexual abuse affects victims' entire lives; it affects the lives of their children and spouses as well. So don't wait. If you even think that something inappropriate is going on between an adult and a child, speak up. Report your suspicions to the authorities and let them conduct an investigation.

Have you been talking about Penn State with your kids?

Risky Business

Do you have a risk taker in your house? You know, one boy who insists on climbing to the top of the swingset, then jumping down? Or one who's always building the bike ramp higher and higher, pushing the limits of safety?

Where does he fall in birth order? Based on a new study, I'm going to guess he's not first.

According to a study published in Personality and Social Psychology Review, younger siblings are more likely to take risks. The authors reviewed Major League Baseball data (how's that for a cool data set?) and found that younger siblings are 10.6 times more likely to attempt to steal a base -- a risky behavior, at least in the game of baseball. Younger sibs are also more likely to be hit by a pitch, which the researchers believe may reflect a refusal to be intimidated. (Or to back down?) They also reviewed previous studies and found that later-birth order children are almost one-and-a-half time more likely to participate in a dangerous physical activity, such as football or skydiving.

My kids aren't old enough for skydiving, but based on limited experience, I'd say the study is right on. The climb-to-the-top-of-the-swingset example at the top of this blog post is cribbed directly from my life. Boy #3 first climbed the park swingset at age 5. By age 4, he was riding a bike without training wheels and skateboarding down the incline of my neighbor's driveway. My oldest son didn't even touch a skateboard until he was 8 or 9.

While the study doesn't attempt to address the reasons behind increased risk taking behavior, the authors suggest three possible contributing factors:

1. Personality differences -- Some kids are simply born risk takers.
2. Learned behavior -- Younger sibs learn by watching their older brothers and sisters, so they can skip some trial and error
3. Sibling rivalry -- Believe it or not, the statistics bear this out. Younger brothers who were separated from their older sib by less than five years were more likely to take risks, especially when/if they competed in similar categories. An attempt to stand out, maybe?

All three causes seem plausible, but I think the experts are missing one big one here: parental experience/benign neglect. With our first children, we tend to freak out over every. little. thing. If the Cheerio drops on the floor, we quickly whisk it away. If he approaches a skateboard at age 3, we redirect him to a more age-appropriate toy. But by the time there are two kids on the scene, we've learned to relax a bit. A combination of parental experience and lack of time (because, really, who can hover when there's a toddler and preschooler running around the house?) generally leads to a more relaxed style of parenting, a live-and-let-live attitude that gives kids the freedom to try things. Other parents freak out when my boys climb ever higher in the tree. This many kids into it, I trust them enough to let them try. I also, to tell you the truth, would rather spend my time chatting with other parents at the park than harping at my kids to stay out of the trees. See what I mean by benign neglect?

What about you? Are your younger boys more likely to take risks? Why (or why not)?

Books for Boys: Fantasy Football Guidebook

'Tis the season -- for football!

Those football fans among you have probably been enjoying the season for weeks now (depending on your team). And the die-hard football fanatics are probably already well-aware of the phenomenon that is fantasy football. For the uninitiated, though, fantasy football is a game in which players "draft" real, live NFL players to be on their fanatasy teams. Their teams then score points based on how the players perform in their real-life football games.

Sam Hendricks, an avid fantasy football player with almost two decades of experience, shares his tips and tricks for fantasy football success in Fantasy Football Guidebook and Fantasy Football Tips. Fantasy Football Guidebook was a Finalist in the 2009 National Indie Excellence Book Awards and the 2008 USA Book News Best Books contest.

If you have a son interested in fantasy football, get him these books. They include everything, from Top 10 Reasons to Play Fantasy Football to 10 Rules of Trading to Observations to Let You Live a Normal Life While Enjoying Fantasy Football. One note: the word is a$$ is included at least once in the book. That's not a deal breaker for me, but something you might want to know before handing the books to your son.

On to the author Q & A!

How did you get interested in fantasy football?

I loved NFL football but became very frustrated when the only matchups on TV were boring contests between weak teams. I wanted more excitement. A fellow aviator from my flying squadron (336th FS-we flew F-15E fighter jets for the USAF) suggested a “new” game called Fantasy Football and from that moment on I was hooked. I loved the ability to have different players from different teams (now I had a reason to watch those boring games because my players were in them and I had a vested interest). The more I played, the more I wanted to win and the more I wanted to learn everything about it. And it gave me a better appreciation of football too.

What's a good age to introduce a boy to fantasy football? Why?

It depends on the maturity of the child, but I would say the earliest is around 7 or 8. At that age parents can share their enjoyment of watching football and the basic math skills of fantasy football can be introduced. Math skills such as addition (points for TDs), subtraction (lose points for INTs) and multiplication (multiple TDs) are easy to show and foster with fantasy football.

Later at around age 12 or 13, the boys are getting more interested in sports and team play. Fantasy football is a great way to teach them good decision-making skills (who do you want vs. who is available at what time), problem-solving (when to switch players to maximize efficiency of the whole team), and also risks vs. rewards (choosing proven veterans over unproven high-priced rookies, etc.) It can be a good teaching tool if implemented correctly. The child learns that "owner" decisions have an immediate impact on the team and one player does not control the game.

A lot of people consider fantasy football "a waste of time," but there's a lot to it. It's fun, of course, but there's also statistics and critical thinking. Your book even includes anatomical info about common football injuries!

Over 30 million people play fantasy football each year and the numbers keep growing. I have seen the media adapt to this ever increasing demographic as well. Most of the highlight/update reports now include players and their statistics at the bottom of the screen. Those statistics have even evolved from simply who scored the TD to how many catches they have, their yardage and TDs or injury status. This is because of the fantasy football fan! So opinion of fantasy football has moved from the obscure “waste of time” to a billion dollar industry as evidenced by the 20+ magazines devoted to this fascinating hobby. Fantasy Football Guidebook is my attempt to provide a comprehensive guide to playing fantasy football.

How can a parent support and nuture their son's interest in football and/or fantasy football?

Parents can spend time with their child enjoying the game while noting the "mathematical" aspects of the game. Also, encourage their child to be a participant, either on an actual football team or in a fantasy football league. By encouraging participation, parents can nurture the interest and will be able to communicate with their child on subjects of mutual interest and appeal. Since Fantasy Football Guidebook came out, I have spoken with hundreds of parents who have told me about the “bonding” time that fantasy football has created. Fathers and sons are fielding teams together as co-managers and spending more time together deciding on strategies (who to start) and watching their players perform.

Are Boys Overscheduled?

You've heard it before: Kids today are too busy. Between school and sports, church and community, there's simply no time to just be.

Writer Laura Vanderkam disagrees. The author of the forthcoming book 168 Hours passionately argued her point in a recent Wall Street Journal article, The Myth of the Overscheduled Child.

Vanderkam argues that everyone has the same 168 hours a week. (7 X 24) By her calucations, a boy who sleeps 9 hours a night and attends school 30 hours per week still has 73 hours left. And according to data from the University of Maryland, homework usually only takes up another 5 hours. Sports, 4 hours. Other organizations, less than 1.5 hours.

Obviously, those are averages. Some boys do more; some do less. The point, Vanderkam says, is that our children are not grossly overscheduled.

I'm not entirely convinced of her point -- and I was less convinced when I when read that she thinks moms have plenty of time in a day as well.

But one sentence made me think. Talking about the 40% of American children who are uninvolved in extracurricular activities, Vanderkam writes:

"Unfortunately, these young people tend not to fill their free time with the high-quality unstructured play that pundits praise. Many are at home, by themselves, watching TV..."

What do you think? Do you think boys are overscheduled? Or do you think they need more outside stimulation? Are too many of our boys frittering away their time?

Boys Can Do Anything

Equality is usually a world we hear in relationship to girls and women. The assumption is that boys and men have ruled the world for so long that there's virtually nothing they can't do.

Except.

Rigid role expectations still confine far too many boys (& men) to less-than-fulfilling lives. The Boy Code is still going strong, and boys who stray from the norms of standard male behavior risk being called queers and fags.

So it is with great pleasure that I introduce you to the Dazl Diamonds all-boys peewee cheer squad:



The boys from Leeds are believed to be Europe's first all-male cheerleading squad. These young lads have looked the stereotypes square in the face and decided to do what they love, regardless of whether it's a "girl thing" or a "boy thing."

They're getting healthy while they do it, too. DAZL is a community dance and health project designed, initially, to improve the mental and physical health of young women through dance activity in the disadvantaged communities of south Leeds.

According to their 2006-2007 annual report, "DAZL targets young people who lack access to positive activities or who are at risk of sedentary lifestyles and those not involved in regular sports activity. " In other words: It's OK if you're not a jock. Just shake your groove thang.

Too many boys today are limited to football, basketball, baseball and soccer. Physical fitness, though, is much more than that. The key to long-term fitness is finding an activity you enjoy, because if you don't enjoy you're "chosen" sport or activity, you're probably not going to keep it up for long.

So let's expand our notions of what boys can do and support our sons, no matter what they choose.

Even if it involves pom-poms.

Surviving Summer

Believe it or not, summer is probably the most stressful time of year for me.

The popular image of summer is lazy days and sleeping in, swimming and biking, and lemonade on the front porch. The pace is calm, relaxed. Summer is for being.

Except for me -- and most parents, I would hazard to guess, from the proliferation of "How to Survive Summer" articles I've seen recently. (I'm featured in one today.) The kids might be out of school, but for parents, life goes on. And here, summer life invovles a whole lot more "stuff" than winter, spring and fall.

Because we homeschool, we have a fair amount of control over our schedule during the traditional school year. We don't have to be up at any set time (unless we have an activity planned that day) and we can pick and choose what activities appeal to us, limiting ourselves so we don't feel ovewhelmed.

For some reason, that's easier during the school year, when there's not as many activities offered in our area. Come summer -- and the release of the school kids -- opportunities abound. There's summer sports, summer rec, summer school, summer play, summer camp, etc. The list is practically endless.

So far from being relaxed, summer, for me, is all about getting from Point A to Point B -- and making sure that everyone is fed in between. (Not an easy task on nights like tonight, when I need to leave before 5 and two boys need to be at the ballpark by 5:30)

Starting next week, our summer will look something like this:

Monday - Friday: Summer school 8 am - noon for Boys #1, 2 & 3 (I know, it sounds crazy: the homeschooler sends her kids to school in the summer?? But these are cool classes, like Chess and Harry Potter, that the boys wanted to take). Then Boy #1 stays from 12:30-3 pm for play practice (High School Musical).

Tues. & Thurs.: Sports Sampler, an intro to track, basketball and bowling, for Boys #2 and 3. 1-2 pm for Boy #2, 2-3 pm for Boy #3.

Add in ball games, and lots of them. On a typical week, we have 6 ball games scheduled between Tues. and Thurs.

Sprinkle in a random smattering of 4-H day camp, outings and the County Fair, and my summer is booked.

I know I can change my attitude. I know I can change my mindset from "look at all the things I have to do do" to "look at all the things I get to do." Let me just say this: when I'm feeling tired and overwhelmed, it's a challenge.

What about you? What does your summer look like? Is it crazier than the school year, or more relaxed?

Trust

"Boy development is trustworthy."
-- Michael Thompson, author of It's a Boy

How often do we worry about our sons?

When they're babies, we worry that they're not eating enough, that they're growing too fast or that they're slow to walk. We worry when their female cousins babble months ahead of them and try not to obesses when the neighbor's daughter is drawing detailed scenes by age 2 -- and our sons are still eating the crayons.

We worry when their hands, utensils, toast, playdoh, cars and stuffed animals become guns. Scenes of Columbine flash through our head and we pray, please, don't let our sons grow up to be murders.

We worry when our sons bring home notes telling us they can't sit still in class, and we worry when they bring home straight As. We worry about their friends -- and their lack of friends. We tell them to find something to do, and then worry when they do it.

We worry about their impulsivenss, aggressiveness, shyness, intelligence and physical prowess.

In short, we spend a lot of unnecessary time worrying about our sons, because as Thompson says, BOY DEVELOPMENT IS TRUSTWORTHY.

That doesn't mean we can stop parenting our sons; it means that, instead of obsessing over every little milestone or characteristic we don't understand, we should look at the bigger picture. It means that it's OK if your five-year-old son is squiggly in school; that's all a part of how boys develop. It means that a fascination with plastic weapons and hours spent playing war are perfectly normal. It means that our job, as parents, is to accept, love and support our sons as they are.

We don't need to mold our son into what they "should" be. We need to trust the innate developmental timetable built into each and every one of them. Boys -- all boys -- have gifts, and they need time, attention and freedom to grow.

Just today, my six-year-old son asked me to help him read. He'd gotten a reading record at daycare (read 10 books and get a Happy Meal!) and was eager to learn. I was still eating breakfast, but he had the books and was raring to go. For 20 precious minutes, we read together -- not because he was 6, not because it was "reading time" and not because someone, somewhere decided that today was the day he should learn to sound out "c - at." We read because he was ready.

My three-year-old, meanwhile, waited with a pen and paper, watching TV. He wanted help "making letters." And so when I'd finished reading, I held his hand and helped him write his name -- then "Grandpa," "Grandma," "Daddy," and "Mom" -- not because he needs to learn how before he goes to school, but because today, he wanted to "make letters."

Try it. Watch your boys, not the clock. You might be surprised by how much fun you have.

'Tis the Season

It's summer -- and with summer comes sports.

For us, the main sport of the summer is baseball. My husband plays in two softball leagues, one son plays B-Ball (a younger equivalent of Little League) and one plays coach-pitch, a learning version where the coaches serve up the pitches and the kids field and run.

Add in some Sports Sampler -- a summer rec program that exposes the kids to track, basketball and bowling -- and a couple gym classes through summer school and you get the picture. Just today, Boy #2 was outside teaching Boy #3 how to pitch.

How do you pick the league and the sport that's right for your child?

Talk to your son. What sports is he interested in? Why? Does he like to run? Soccer might be a good option. Does he prefer individual pursuits? He might enjoy golf.

Then consider why he likes to play. Some boys play to win and can't stand the no-score policy of certain recreation leagues. (Boy #2 is like that. His team last year didn't offically keep score, so he did. In his head. Every game. ) Some boys just want to be around their friends, and that's OK too. Others like the game, but want to play for fun, not for glory.

Then try to find a team or league that matches your son's goals. Boy #2 is much happier this year, playing to win on a team that keeps score. Boy #1, on the other hand, decided not to play ball at all. He likes to play, but doesn't like the pressure of a game situation. He prefers to play pick-up games with neighborhood kids, and that's OK too.

Keep in mind your son's developmental level. That's a lesson we learned the hard way. When Boy #1 was 6-years-old, he was eligible to play on a baseball team in a nearby town. After years of watching Daddy play, he was eager to sign up.

In hindsight, it was a bad decision. That league has six- to ten-year-old boys on the same team, and it's a kid-pitch, not a coach-pitch league, meaning that ten-year-old pitchers (who are just learning to pitch) are pitching at six-year-old hitters (who are just learning to hit). Needless to say, there was not a lot of hitting -- and therefore not a lot of fielding or running. Plus, Boy #1 developed a fear of the ball (have you ever had a ten-year-old pitcher hit you with a wild ball?) that hasn't quite resolved to this day.

After two years of that (yes, two years. We're slow learners.), we learned about the local coach-pitch league. Designed for kids ages six to eight, the league gradually introduces kids to the game. The coaches pitch the ball and keep pitching until the kids hit the ball (after 10 or 12 pitches, a batting tee is brought in, if necessary). That means kids get the thrill of hitting the ball and running bases while the kids in the field get to learn how to catch and throw.

All in all, it seems a much more developmentally appropriate approach to ball. Why not let kids experience some mastery before moving them up to the next level?

When choosing a league, consider family impact as well. There's a boys' softball league about 20 minutes away that Boy #1 would probably love -- but committing to almost an hour worth of driving for each practice is more than I can handle right now.

Finding the right sport -- and the right team or league -- takes some leg work and experimentation, but it's worth it. For more on boys and sports, click here.

Most Popular Sport!

OK, parents -- help me out. According to our poll, your sons' most popular sport is "other."

Anyone care to fill me in? What other sports do your sons' enjoy?

This, BTW, is Son #2 playing softball at our annual 4-H softball game. Daddy, himself a softball fanatic, is in the background.