Boys & Birth Control

Photo by robertelyov via Flickr

1 out of 5 sexually active teenage boys does not receive info regarding condom usage or birth control from their parents, doctors or teachers.

That's according to a report by the Center for Advancing Health. The report, which looked at sexually active teens between the ages of 13 and 19, found that parents were the most likely source of  information regarding birth control and sexual health. 43 percent of the males said that their parents shared info with them regarding birth control, and 66 percent of the males said their parents shared information about sexually transmitted diseases. Only 1/3 said they got similar information from their healthcare providers. 

Think about those numbers for a minute. 43 percent of the sexually active boys said that they'd received info about birth control from their parents or teachers. That means that 57 percent of sexually active teenage boys had not gotten any info about birth control from a parent or teacher, and the odds are good that that didn't hear anything from their doctor either. 44 percent of sexually active teenage boys didn't have info about sexually transmitted diseases, at least not from a reliable source such as a parent, teacher or healthcare provider.

Those numbers are terrible. Those numbers are shameful. 

Our boys NEED information about sex and sexual health. They need to know how to protect themselves and a partner from sexually transmitted diseases or unwanted pregnancy. And they need that information whether or not they are sexually active at the moment, because the odds are extremely, very,very good that they will become sexually active at some point.

As a nurse, as a health writer and as an advocate for boys, I strongly believe that 100 percent of teenage boys should not only have information about sexual health, birth control and STD prevention, but that they should also have easy access to condoms  -- not because I want to encourage teen boys to have sex, but because I'm a realist. At some point, those boys-becoming-men will have sex, and I want them to have all of the tools and knowledge they need to keep themselves (and their partners) safe.

As a parent, though, I realize it's not easy. It is much easier for me, as a nurse, health writer and advocate, to say that all boys should have that info -- and much harder for me to actually sit down and talk to my boys about these topics. Much harder to discern when I should make condoms available. Much harder to decide how much information to share, and when. 

So know this: It's OK to be uncomfortable. It's OK to stumble through these questions and discussions, and OK to veer from too little to too much info and back again. Talking to kids about sex is hard because all kids, all parents and all families are different. As a blogger, I have the luxury of talking in generalities: You should talk to your boys about sex. As a parent, you have the difficult job of tailoring the information to your child, of figuring out what to say when and how to present the info in such a way that your kid might actually take it in. 

I can't tell you how to do that. I can't tell you exactly when or how to bring up birth control with your boys. (Though I'm happy to field any questions, and will share some suggestions in a future post.) What I can tell you is that discomfort is no excuse. It is simply irresponsible to send our sons out into the world without solid knowledge of sexual health and birth control.

So be uncomfortable. Stumble through the presentation. Be willing to be awkward and presumptuous. TALK TO YOUR BOYS about sex, and make sure they understand the mechanics of sex and conception and birth control and STD prevention. (They need to know about the emotional and ethical components of sex too, but I'll save that for another post.) 

Before your boys leave your house -- hopefully, well before -- your boys need to know how to protect their sexual health. 

Best of the Blogs: Self-Care, Sex & Age Sixteen

Sure, I write a lot about boys. But as a mom of boys, I'm also aware of just how stressful parenting boys can be. And I've learned from personal experience that I have to take good care of myself if I want to take good care of my boys. After all, it's pretty hard to model patience and acceptance when you're running on four hours of sleep. 

Like many parents, though, I prioritize my kids and pay lip-service to the idea of self-care. That's why I love this post from Meagan Francis, aka The Happiest Mom:

Our culture loves to give lip service to self-care for moms, but we tend to trivialize the topic. I know I’m guilty of that myself. Feeling stressed or tired? Seek a little retail therapy; do something nice for yourself, it’s easy to say. Have a cup of tea or a glass of wine. Relax.

But while bubble baths, massages, and manicures are wonderful things, they’re no substitute for taking real care of our health. And that can involve messy, uncomfortable, inconvenient, and un-pampering processes like screenings, blood tests, mole removals and mammograms.

In her post, Self-Care is More Than Bubble Baths and Pedicures, Meagan, a mom of five,  reveals that she's recently been diagnosed with invasive cervical cancer. And while her prognosis is good, her post is a stark wake-up call: To truly take care of our kids, we need to take care of our health. 

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The conviction of two teenage boys in the Stuebenville rape trial generated a ton of online conversation. I entered the fray myself, with Boys & Rape. (If you click over, be sure to read the comments. My readers added some great points!)

Marie Roker Jones shared some interesting thoughts over at Raising Great Men as well. In "The Real Talk We Need to Have with Our Sons About Rape," she wrote:

Our first mistake is rushing to tell boys what rape is instead of asking them "What is rape?"

Why did I not think of that? If the Steubenville trial showed us anything (and I'd argue that it showed us many things), it showed us that many boys, men and women are confused as to what, exactly, constitutes rape. And the best way to find out what misconceptions our boys hold is to ask them what they know and understand.

The Good Men Project also ran a great Steubenville-inspired piece. The Healthy Sex Talk: Teaching Kids Consent, Ages 1-21 offers a ton of specific ideas for teaching and talking to boys and girls of all developmental ages and stages. It's the single best article I've ever read about consent.

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 Like me, Jen Singer of MommaSaid.net is a mom-of-no-longer-little-boys. Maybe that's why her post, "My Son Turned 16 and I Know Where the Time Went" touched me so deeply. 

Or maybe it's because, in a culture that so often pits parents against one another and parenthood vs. "real work," it's nice to see a mom who honors, recognizes and pays tribute to the millions of minute moments that go into making a man. 

Boys & Rape

Photo by sboneham

The verdict is in. The two boys accused of raping a teenage girl in Steubenville, Ohio have been found guilty.

The discussion, though, is not over. While pundits and Internet commentators parse the details of the trial and the crime, parents everywhere are trying to figure out how to prevent this from happening again. No one wants their daughter to be raped. And no one wants their son to be a rapist.

So letters like AskMoxie's "A Letter to My Sons About Stopping Rape" are circling the Internet, and moms (why does it always seem to be moms?) are saving the letter to show to their sons when the time is right. But do we really need long letters about sex to 8- and 11-year-old boys get the point across?

I don't think so. Remember, kids -- especially boys -- tune out words. Ever notice how simple, direct instructions catch your sons' attention so much better than long, rambling requests and explanations? That's because their brain is wired to catch essential info.

Boys (and girls) are also much, much, MUCH more likely to follow our example than our words. So if want to teach our boys not to rape, we need to:

1. Demonstrate consistent respect for humanity. Our kids need to see us showing respect for every single member member of humanity. Even the people we don't like. Even the ones who annoy us. Even the ones who act provocatively, in any way.

Our kids need to know that beneath every human exterior lies a person with a heart and soul and hopes and dreams, and I'm a firm believer that the best way to teach our kids this essential fact is to treat others with kindness and respect. Look people in the eye. Speak gently to them. Do not make derogatory remarks about others' appearance or history or behavior, and never, ever imply that someone deserves something due to the way he or she behaved.

Teach your children -- by example -- to give people the benefit of doubt. Teach them to treat others as they'd like to be treated.

2. Talk about our values. I will never be able to change the culture to conform to my values, and neither will you. I am also unable (and unwilling) to completely shield my boys from the world in which they live. But that doesn't mean that I need to stand silently to the side when TV shows, movies or music depict any kind of abuse or degradation of another human being.

When the media depicts an act or behavior you don't approve of, or seems to honor a celebrity for less-than-stellar behavior, talk to your kids. Talk about what you don't like. (My kids are well aware of what I think about Charlie Sheen's poor choices.)  Talk about why don't like it. Talk about what kind of behavior you value instead, and why. And whenever possible, serve up for-instances and examples of exemplary behavior.

3. Respect boundaries. It's next-to-impossible to expect our kids to respect other people's boundaries if we don't respect theirs. So when your son starts asking for privacy in the bathroom, give it to him. When he declines your offer of a good night hug, simply wish him good night; don't guilt trip him into hugging ol' Mom, or he'll learn that he should stuff down his internal instincts in order to keep other people happy.

Respecting your sons' boundaries may also mean listening carefully when he tells you he wants to quit a chosen and once-treasured activity. Certainly, you'll want discuss his reasons for wanting to quit, and it's best to ponder the decision together. But ultimately, you want your son to learn to trust his inner voice, the one that tells him when something doesn't feel quite right. And the only way you can do that is by listening to your son, considering his wishes and respecting his boundaries.

4. Speak up. Don't participate in the culture of silence. Don't keep shameful family secrets. All kids need to know that it's OK to speak up, OK to let someone know that something is wrong. So if you see someone being hurt, stop. Speak up. Intervene.

I once pulled the van over at the middle school when I saw two kids physically harassing another. I didn't know the kids, didn't fully know the situation, but had watched just long enough to know that what was going on was not fun for all involved. I parked the van, left the kids in the car, and got out. The bullies scrambled. I made sure the other kid was OK and stayed with him 'til his ride arrived.

I still don't know the kids' names. I don't know what, exactly, my kids took from that situation, but I'm pretty sure they know that 1) their mom is not going to sit by while a kid gets hurt and 2) that onlookers can help.

Am I being overly simplistic in thinking that these four steps can help stop rape? I don't think so. Rape was never about sex anyway. Rape is about power. Rape dehumanizes another. And learning to respect all humans, I think, will go a long way toward changing our rape culture.

Porn & Parenting

Flickr photo by Mely-O

What would you do if you discovered porn on your 13-year-old son's computer?

This dad left his son a compassionate, non-judgmental note. As reported by The Good Men Project (a great site, BTW), the dad wrote his son a note, explaining that the son's visits to pornographic sites were probably what caused malware to mess up his computer. The note explained that porn sites are notorious for malware -- and directed the son toward some more reliable, not-malware-infested porn sites.

Now, that sounds pretty provocative. A dad, pointing his kid to porn? Essentially saying, "Here you go!"?

I think the Dad handled the situation perfectly, though, and here's why: In his next paragraph, he reassures his son. The Dad writes, "I'm not gonna make a big deal out of this. In fact, I'm not gonna make any size deal of this..You have nothing to be embarrassed about." He doesn't shame his son; he says, "hey, I understand."

And he very, very gently expresses concern for his son -- not by telling him that porn will warp his brain, but by saying, "I would like to not be back here so much though. You literally spend all of your time back here. I'd like to see you more often. I like doing stuff with you and miss it." (I"m going to assume that "back here" is the kid's room.)

Why I Think Dad Was Right On

Those messages exude love. The Dad doesn't tell his son that he, the son, is evil or bad or warped or perverted for looking at porn. And he says he wants to spend time with his son!

Some commenters have taken the Dad to task for not talking enough about porn and why/how it can influence and perhaps even damage burgeoning sexuality. I'm not troubled by that, though. As I understand the situation, the son came to the Dad with a problem: a messed up computer. He asked for help with the computer. And that's what his Dad gave him.

When our kids are younger, experts advise us to answer their sex questions as directly and simply as possible. "Where do babies come from?" does not always require a full scientific explanation. Sometimes, kids just want to know that babies come from Mom and Dad, instead of from the stork or cabbage patch or wherever else kids may have heard babies come from. We're advised to figure out what the kid is really asking and to answer that question without a lot of extra info, which may be more than the kid can absorb at that time anyway.

This kid needed and wanted help with his computer. He didn't ask for help, advice or lecturing re porn. Odds are, the son was mortified to discover 1) that his computer problems were porn-related and 2) that his Dad knew exactly what sites he'd been visiting to view porn. The Dad realized all of that. So he focused his response around the kid's expressed problem -- the wonky computer. He fixed that problem, and told his son how to avoid it in the future. Then, he expressed love, understanding and compassion.

Don't you think that son is now more likely to come to his Dad with problems (of all kinds) in the future? I do.

If the Dad had huffed and puffed, and said or implied that the kid's actions were disgusting or immoral or wrong, or, worse yet, issued some kind of punishment or ultimatum, don't you think the kid would be more prone to simply hide his actions in the future? Less likely to approach his Dad with problems and concerns?

Porn vs. Reality

Some commenters expressed seious concern that the Dad didn't spend more time talking to his son about pornography. Porn, as they rightly point out, has very little to do with real-world sex. But does Dad really need to talk about that with his son? At some point, perhaps. But now? At this particular moment? I think not.

I think that our kids learn far more from us than they will ever learn from the computer, TV, video games and other electronic screens. So while it's true that porn often objectifies women and presents a warped version of sexual relationships, I don't think that talking to our kids about the objectification of women is enough to solve the problem. I think we need to show them healthy relationships instead.

That doesn't mean you need to invite your son into your bedroom. It means that how you treat your spouse is important. It means that a son who sees his father treating his mother with respect will know that women are not objects. It means that sons and daughters who see their mothers and father in respectful relationships will know, intuitively and from their emotional core, that respect is the core of a healthy relationship. They may still watch porn, at least sometimes, but they will know that what they see doesn't represent reality.

An update to the original article said that Dad did have a brief, 5 minute conversation with his son after the son received the note, and that the Dad talked (briefly) about the differences between porn and real life. In my opinion, that's enough for now.

What do you think?

Why It Pays to Know Your Sons

Flickr photo by Thomªs'

I can't stop thinking about the blog post I read this morning on MOB (Mothers of Boys -- check it out).

The post, 4 Ways to Protect Your Sons From Abuse, was inspired, in part, by the sexual abuse of boys by Jerry Sandusky at Penn State University. Like my earlier post, Penn State & Sexual Abuse, it details steps parents can take to decrease the odds of their son being sexually (or otherwise) abused.

But the part that sticks in my head is this: One mom starting questioning her son (and others) after he came home from Penn State with wet hair.

Wet hair, friends.

This mom knew her son and his routines so well that she knew there was absolutely no reason for him to be coming home at that time, from that place, with wet hair. She was so in-tune with her son that she actually noticed his wet hair when he came home; she didn't just mutter a cursory "hi" without looking up from her computer or the dishes or whatever else she was doing at that moment. She saw her son, and she knew something was not right.

Now, I'm not saying that the other parents, those who didn't know about the abuse until later, were not in-tune with their sons, or that they didn't love them. What happened to these boys (now men) at the hands of Sandusky was reprehensible, and Sandusky is solely responsible for his acts. I don't mean to lay blame, at all, at the feet of the victimized.

But think about it. The warning signs of all kinds of things -- sexual abuse, physical abuse, bullying, trouble in school -- are subtle. And the only way to catch those signs to to know what "normal" is.

Normal varies from kid to kid. I've got one son who insists on wearing jeans and a certain baseball hat with his sunglasses perched atop just so, each and every day. My other three sons wear hats on occasion only, and it would be no big deal (and not at all unusual) for them to come home from somewhere without their hats. (Am I the only one whose boys have a tendency to leave things lay?) But if my jean-and-hat-wearing son suddenly came home without his hat, or with broken sunglasses, and didn't have a plausible story, I'd know something might be up.

The questioning mom was fully aware of her son's routine too. She knew he didn't normally take a shower or get wet while at Penn State. Do you know your boys' routines? It can be hard to keep up with all of the details, especially if you have more than one child. But when you know what usually happens at your sons' practices, or his usual after school routine, you're better able to communicate with him, and better equipped to notice when something is out of whack. If your son usually comes home from football practice all dirty and sweaty, and comes home with barely a streak on him one day, it's time to ask questions. The answer might be perfectly innocent and plausible: maybe the team watched and discussed video of their opponents before the big game. Ninety-nine percent of the time, in fact, variations in routine are just that: simple variations.

The only way to notice a variation, though, is to know the usual pattern. So pay attention to your boys. Know what they like, who they hang out with, and what they do in the course of a normal day. And then, be there for them, whenever possible. I know that it's not always possible to be home the moment your son arrives home, or to always be the one to pick him up from daycare or practice. That's OK. What's important is knowing your son, and sharing the information with others as needed. (Your childcare provider, for instance, should know all about your sons' likes and dislikes and regular routine.)

Know your son, and then act on your intuition. Some kids will come straight out and tell you when something is not right. Others will clam up. If your son refuses to tell you what's going on, or if something about his answer seems off, ask questions. Ask friends. Ask coaches. Ask teachers. If your intuition is nagging at you, keep going.

Odds are, you -- and your son -- will be glad you did.

The Challenge of Raising Boys

Photo via U.S. National Archives

What concerns you the most about parenting boys? 

As you know, I tend to draw on my own experience here at Blogging 'Bout Boys. But your experiences might be different -- or they might be awfully familiar, which will make the rest of us feel a whole lot better!

Right now, I'd say my top 3 boy-raising concerns are:

1) Respect. I want my boys to learn to treat men and women, young and old, with respect, and I'd like that respect to show in their words and deeds. Overall, my boys are respectful and polite children, but we still have a ways to go, particularly when it comes to respecting each other! (Please tell me my boys aren't the only ones who like to trash talk one another!)

2) Strict limitations on physical activity and play in schools. My sons' school no longer allows the kids play touch football at recess. Or soccer. If it's too cold or nasty outside, the kids stay in for recess -- in the auditorium, where they are allowed to walk laps. My boys (and yours, I'd guess) need more activity than that. They need room and freedom to move. I understand school administrators' concerns regarding student safety, but I think their concerns are overblown. On a population-wide level, I think we do our boys far more harm by requiring them to remain still and safe most of the day.

3) A sex-and-alcohol-saturated culture. We live in Wisconsin, a state that perpetually bests others in binge drinking and heavy alcohol consumption. Here, it's not uncommon to see adults guzzling beer at a softball game, whether it's their game (yes, I've seen guys drinking beer in dugouts) or their kids' games (yes, I've seen adults drinking beer at 9 am on a Sunday at the Little League game). Add that to a culture that routinely objectifies women and thrusts sexual images at our kids at every opportunity, and you can see why I'm concerned. I want my boys to grow up free of addiction. I want them to be emotionally and physically healthy. Given our environment, though, that's an uphill battle.

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Huh. If I'd drawn up that list just a few years ago -- say, when I started this blog -- I can guarantee that it would have looked different. Earlier in my parenting career, "guns" or "weapons" definitely would have made the list. Today? I don't even bat an eye when my kids pick up a plastic weapon. 

 

Sex and alcohol wouldn't have made the list a few years ago either. But now, I have a teen. And a tween. And a 6-year-old who watches for hot girls. I guess my concerns are growing along with my boys!

 

 What about you? What are your Top 3 Boy-Raising Concerns?

Guest Post: Criminal or Clueless? When Sex Means Jail

Photo via NorthUmbria Police

“Can you identify the person who allegedly raped you?”

“Yes your Honor,” says the girl. “He’s right there.”

She points and all eyes land on the pimply teenager, flanked by power suits—clearly his attorneys. The boy drops his head and a tear slides down his nose.

Could this be your son?

As a mom of a grown daughter, I cringe at the crime called date rape. (By law, it is stripped of its condition and simply called rape.) It’s dirty and traumatizing and ugly, no matter its circumstance.

As the mom to two teenaged boys, I cringe at the crime for different reasons. Perpetrators in 20% of the 182,000 rapes reported by girls between 12 and 17 in 2008 were intimately known (spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend) by the victims. That’s a staggering number. Someone’s doing the raping.

Could it be my son? Could it be yours?

It’s shocking to consider, isn’t it? But can we close our eyes to the possibility? 

Do my boys really know the difference between grinding on the dance floor when nothing but a little skimpy cloth separates it and the real thing? 

Do they understand that action isn’t always invitation? 

Can they decipher between a No that means Yes and a No that means No?

And have I ever had a conversation with either of them that goes beyond the birds and the bees and don’t do it ’til you’re ready and make sure you are protected?

It would be easy to sit in that courtroom and vilify the pimply boy from the example above—he should have known better. Where were his parents?

But hello. I’m raising boys. Teen boys. And sometimes, despite all the lectures and lessons and sharing, there are days when they lose their feet on the way to tie their shoes.

To think they will make the connection between crime and passion in the heat of a hormonal moment when  sex, even aggressive sex, is touted on every show, every video and every song might be asking a bit much from their construction site called a brain. When they receive images of nude classmates on their cell phones (because 1 in 6 teens between 12 and 17 have received them), why on earth would  they all of a sudden realize, when every sign says Go!, that what they are doing is a crime?

I’m just sayin’.

Should boys be given a carte blanche pass then? No way. I’m a firm believer in responsibility and accountability.

What I am saying is that while it seems they should know better, we really ought to make sure they do.

I’d much prefer to stick to informational sex talks. I’d much rather tell my boys to just not go there and have them comply.

But statistics force me to address my Pollyanna wishes. I need to address these issues in my home, with  my boys, before an officer knocks on our front door.

Uncomfortable? Absolutely. 

But who ever said raising boys would be comfortable?

Carrie Schmeck is a features and business copywriter in northern California. She has 2 boys, ages 15 and 18, and a 22-year-old daughter. See more of her work on her website, Bizziwriter.

Helping Boys in a Sex-Soaked Society

Yesterday, my six-year-old -- my innocent, cherubic-faced 6-year-old -- told me that his "rich, secret life" would include lots of tractors. And 1000 girls.

The tractors were no surprise. This boy has loved John Deere tractors and all kinds of heavy construction equipment from day one. 1000 girls, though? That surprised me.

What kind of girls, I asked?

He motioned me closer and whispered in my ear: "Sexy."

Then added: "Not fat."


My son is six-years-old, and already he has completely internalized the American ideal of female beauty. (By they way, he further added, "No glasses" to his list of requirements for the girls. When I pointed out that I wear glasses, at least on occasion, he told me I'm "not sexy.")

Six. Years. Old!

As a woman, I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed and disgusted that our society's version of beauty is so narrow and pervasive that even our prepubescent boys know exactly what flavor of eye candy should be hanging on their arms. As a mom, I'm disturbed. Is it my fault? Have I let him see too much? Because we do watch TV, and I'm not exactly strict about limiting his screen time to material best suited for kids 6 and under. Don't get me wrong; I do keep tabs on what he watches, and more often than not, he's watching something on PBS. (Wild Kratts, for  instance, is his favorite show.) But somehow, some way, my little boy has gotten the message that sexy women are desirable, and that sexy = not fat.

Yet is it surprising? Is there any way at all to miss that message in our culture?

The question is, how do we, as parents of boys, help our boys see past the stereotypes? How do we help them understand that women are for more than sex, and that a person's worth does not depend on their physical appearance?

It's tough. Our boys are clearly growing up in a sex-saturated culture that tells them that girls are good for one thing. (Or maybe more. Clearly, sex appeal is useful for selling cars also. And beer. And, well, Internet hosting companies. Did you see the GoDaddy ads during the SuperBowl?)

But I want my boys to know that women and girls are multi-faceted human beings, just like men and boys. I want my boys to value character, intelligence and integrity, not chest and ass and face. And sometimes, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

Then I remember that the real world always holds more power than the fictional world held up by the media. And I remember that my boys are surrounded by many examples of strong, intelligent, capable women. And I think that, perhaps, that is the answer, that exposing my boys to all kinds of wonderful women will somehow broaden their definition of "woman." Every day, my boys see complex, three-dimensional women, and I hope that they will gradually understand that a real woman is much more wonderful than the one-dimensional sex symbols flaunted in the media.

That's one piece. The other piece of the puzzle involves combating the negative media images of women. I want my sons to know that what they see on TV and in magazines is not real, that even the women in the ads don't look that way. So I show them videos like Dove's Evolution video, which vividly shows the transformation of a woman into a flawless work of art. And we talk about photoshopping and unrealistic expectations and eating disorders. (Actually, we need to talk about these things some more.)

The next step is working toward a more positive and realistic representation of women in the media. Yesterday, I signed 8th grader Julia Bluhm's petition to ask Seventeen magazine to include at least one un-photoshopped image in each issue. (Sad, isn't it, that asking for once such photo is a major step!)

It's a start.

What are you doing to help your sons sort through the negative messages they receive about women from the media?

Penn State and Sexual Abuse

I've been thinking about Penn State a lot lately.

By now, you've heard the story: Jerry Sandusky, a former Penn State football coach, has been charged with molesting eight boys over a 15-year period. Sandusky denies molesting anyone, though he admits to showering and "horsing around" with young boys.

Whether or not the allegations against Sandusky are true, the fact remains that sexual abuse of young boys is a problem. One in six boys will be a victim of sexual abuse before the age of 18. Most will know their perpetrator.

Scared yet? I am. While I truly believe that most people who work with kids are good, kind people, statistics, case studies and anecdotal data tell me that there are some bad people out there as well. And the real problem is that the bad guys don't always look like the bad guys.

Sexual abusers are often, on the surface, well-liked members of the community. Many of them appear genuinely concerned about kids; many of them have convinced themselves that they are genuinely concerned about kids. But sexual abusers gradually break down boundaries. Sexual abuse may start with a gentle touch. Who, after all, is going to object to a slow back rub from a coach who's an all-around good guy?

Put yourself in the place of potential victim. Imagine, for a minute, that you are 10-years-old. That your home life is less-than-stellar. Not abusive, necessarily; just less-than-nurturing. Perhaps your mom works all the time to support the family. Maybe your dad just lost his job and is feeling kind of depressed. Maybe your parents are too busy to really spend time with you, and maybe, in your heart of hearts, you're feeling a little bit lonely.

Along comes a coach. Where your parents see an interruption and interference, he sees potential. He spends time with you. He tells you you're special. He smiles when he sees you coming; your mom frowned today when she saw your report card.

So when your coach invites you to his house after practice, you feel honored. His family is so nice to you!

Now...imagine this scenario playing out over a matter of months or years. Imagine the warm feelings you develop for the coach. Now imagine that the coach touches your back just a little too long after dinner one day. The quick squeeze of the shoulders turns into something else -- fingers rubbing up and down your back. It feels odd, but it's over as soon as it starts.

Would you tell someone? Probably not. After all, "nothing" really happened, and Coach is a good guy. Besides, you're 10; he's the adult. It seemed normal to Coach, so you're probably just over-reacting.

Most sexual abusers groom their victims over a period of time. After gaining the victim's trust, there are gradual violations of the victim's boundaries. By the time the hard-core sexual abuse happens, the abuser has essentially trained the child to ignore the boundary violations. The abuser has become an important part of the child's life. And sometimes, the abuse feels good on a physical level. Imagine the shame and confusion felt by a child who actually felt a moment of pleasure when sexually abused by a trusted adult!

It's up to us, as parents and community members, to create safe environments for our children.

How do we do that?

1. Love our children. All children need to feel special, loved and valuable. Love your children, and be kind to their friends as well. Listen to their hopes, dreams and fears. Support their efforts and desires. A child with a strong sense of self and a strong support system at home is not an attractive target for sexual abuse.

2. Teach children to question authority. Teachers and coaches and priests are not always right. Let your child know that it's OK to ask questions and express opinions --- and live that lesson in your home. Encourage children to think critically; welcome their questions and queries.

3. Minimize opportunity. One-on-one situations are the most dangerous for kids. Does that mean that your child can never go fishing with an adult friend? No. It means that you better know that friend awfully well first. And that you should pay close attention to your child's behavior before and after outings with the friend. At the first sign of trouble, halt all further contact until you figure out what's going on.

4. Teach children the difference between good and bad secrets. Abusers often convince children to keep "their secret." So be sure to tell your child about the different kinds of secrets. Good secrets -- like birthday surprises -- are ones that make people feel happy. Good secrets are only kept for a certain period of time before they're revealed. Bad secrets, on the other hand, make you feel yucky inside. Bad secrets are ones that are supposed to be kept forever. Tell your child that you will help him handle bad secrets.

5. Steer away from adults who exhibit risky behavior. According to a recent CNN.com article, adults who don't respect your rules when they're with your child may be setting up an unhealthy dynamic. Also be alert for adults who want to spend time alone with kids.

6. Respond to symptoms. Be alert for these possible symptoms of abuse:

• Change in appearance. Kids who are being sexually abused may start dressing in baggy, unattractive clothing.
• Withdrawal and social isolation. It's common for teens to spend time alone in their rooms. But if your child has pulled away from all his friends, something more might be going on.
  
• Anxiety. Some kids will be anxious before specific activities. Other sexually abused kids experience general anxiety.
  
• Decreased school performance. Have your child's grades recently dropped, for no explainable reason?
  
• Disinterest in usual activities. If your formerly hyped-up-about-football son loses interest in the sport, it's up to you to figure out what's up.

7. Report your suspicions. According to the first reports out of Penn State, another football coach called his dad -- not the police --after witnessing a disturbing scene between Sandusky and a 10-year-old boy. (The coach has since said he talked with the police). Frankly, I can understand how shock might impair activity. But the bottom line is this: kids' lives are on the line. Sexual abuse affects victims' entire lives; it affects the lives of their children and spouses as well. So don't wait. If you even think that something inappropriate is going on between an adult and a child, speak up. Report your suspicions to the authorities and let them conduct an investigation.

Have you been talking about Penn State with your kids?

Why My Boys are Getting Gardisil -- and Why Yours Should Too

Have you heard of Gardisil? It's one of the two HPV vaccines that are currently on the market. (The other is Cervarix.) HPV, or human papilloma virus, is shorthand for a number of HPV strains that are known to cause cancer.

Put the pieces together. HPV causes cancer. There are two effective HPV -- cancer preventing! -- vaccines on the market. Why are we not jumping up and down about this news?

Instead, everyone from Michelle Bachmann to the parent down the street is weighing in on the merits and dangers of the vaccine. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) recently upped the ante when they recommended routinely vaccinating boys as well as girls.

That recommendation doesn't make sense to some parents. After all, doesn't HPV cause cervical cancer?

Well, it does. But did you know that HPV is now a leading cause of head and neck cancers as well? Or that it can cause penile and anal cancer also?

According to the CDC, each year in the U.S.:

• 1,500 women and 5,600 men get HPV-associated oropharyngeal cancers (cancers of the back of throat including base of tongue and tonsils)
• 400 men get HPV-associated penile cancer
• 2,700 women and 1,500 men get HPV-associated anal cancer

Traditionally, smoking and tobacco usage were the main causes of head and neck cancers. But experts say that's changing. In a recent interview, Dr. Gregory Weinstein of the University of Pennsylvania told me that the number of oropharyngeal cancers is rising, and that head and neck cancers are increasingly occurring in younger patients.

Think about that for a bit. HPV is incredibly common; medical experts say that up to 50% of the sexually active population will be infected with HPV at some point. And oral sex is increasingly common among teenagers. According to the CDC, between 2006 and 2008, 48.4% of males between that ages of 15 and 19 have had oral sex with a female. 44.6% of 15 to 19 year-old girls have had oral sex with a male.

Not surprisingly, the numbers increase as the teens grow into adults. By adulthood, the number of people who have had oral sex hovers around 90 percent.

So, statistically-speaking, my boys -- and yours --are at risk for oral exposure to HPV. There's no guarantee that HPV exposure will result in oral cancer; researchers are still trying to determine why some people seem to clear with virus from their bodies without problem, while others go on to develop pre-cancerous and cancerous lesions. But given what we know now -- HPV can cause cancer, HPV is sexually transmitted and is virtually endemic in the population -- why wouldn't I take steps now to protect my sons' health?

Yes, there are some risks to the HPV-vaccine. There are also a lot of misconceptions about the vaccine. For a balanced look at the issues, check out this news story by NPR.

Bottom line: I'm getting my boys vaccinated against HPV. I'm doing it for them, and I'm doing it for their future sex partners as well.


How about you? Have your boys gotten the HPV vaccine?

Boys and Sex

Our kids today live in an increasingly sexualized world. Disney darling Miley Cyrus morphs from Hannah Montana into a full-blown sexy singer, and while some of her young fans (and many of their parents) disprove of her new look and lyrics, she's traveling a well-worn path. Our stores and catalogs, after all, are filled with skimpy clothes aimed at pre-teen girls.

For the most part, I thought I'd been spared that angst. As a mother of four boys, I don't have to deal with Halloween costumes that barely cover their midriffs or short-shorts emblazoned with the word "Juicy." But as a recent blog post at Sociological Images pointed out, boys are not immune from sexualization.

Jayden Smith, the 11-year-old star of Karate Kid, is admired for his abs. Apparently, he's also a self-proclaimed "great kisser." More distubring than that, however, is the fact that almost no one seems disturbed by these facts. Would we accept and tolerate the same behavior and treatment of an 11-year-old girl?

I'll admit it: The fact that he had a girlfriend in the newest Karate Kid seemed a bit odd to me. In Karate Kid I, the protagonist was a high school student. Here, he's barely in middle school. But beyond that, I hadn't given any thought to the fact that maybe -- maybe -- we tolerate certain sexual images, behaviors and casting as OK for boys but not OK for girls.

Sociological Images also ran photos of 16-year-old Justin Bieber with 29-year-old Kim Kardashian. And while the photos don't seem particularly disturbing (at least not compared with the site of Miley Cyrus tramping around in next-to-nothing), the author brings up an excellent point: What if the roles were reversed? Would we accept such photos of a 16-year-old girl with a 29-year-old man? Why do we tolerate provocative photos of young boys with older women? Could it be that a double standard is still in place?

"We accept the idea of boys being sexual, or sexually interested, at younger ages than girls, and any interest they show in older girls or women is a sign of their sexual precocity..." writes gwen. Think about that. Sub-consciously, are our expecatations for our sons different from those for our daughters? Why?

Best of the Blogs: Father's Day Edition

It's not easy being a man today. In Rethinking Manhood: The New Feminist Project?, author Tom Matlack writes about the need to re-invent masculinity. "The most macho thing in the world is to be a loving father. To be a faithful husband. To put food on the table," Matlack writes. "Even more macho is to come clean about how hard it is to try to try to be all those things at the same time. Women have been doing for fifty years. Now it's our turn."

Of course, being a hands-on parent of either sex isn't easy. An Ordinary Mom gives some great tips for handling the witching hour in Working the Swing Shift.

If you're ready for something deeper and darker, check out "Boys Will Be Boys": The Connection Between a Sex League Scandal and a Domestic Violence Murder. It seems a group of teenage boys out East had a competition of sorts, where they gained points for sexual activities with females. As heinous as they actions were, the rationalization some adults used to excuse the boys' behavior -- boys will be boys -- is even worse.

Finally, check out Unschooling Changed Us All Around, by Andrea at Say YES 2 Boys. Andrea has just completed year two as a homeschooling mom and like most homeschooling parents, she's grown in ways she never would have imagined.

Birth Control and Boys

According to the latest study by the Centers for Disease Control, 40% of teens aged 15 to 19 have had sex at least once. 81% of boys who engaged in sex reported using birth control during their first sexual encounter.

That's the good news, I suppose. Most of our teens are not having sex, and the vast majority of those who are sexually active are taking steps to protect their health and prevent pregnancy.

Buried in the "good news," though, is an extremely disturbing nugget of information: 18% of the boys surveyed said they would be a "little pleased" or "very pleased" if their sexual encounters resulted in a pregnancy.

Take a minute for that to sink in.

Almost one-fifth of the boys surveyed -- boys aged 15 to 19 -- would be happy if they impregnated a girl. Why??? Because it proves their manliness? Their virility? Because they hope to leave a lasting mark on the world? Whatever their misguided reasons, we need to get one message through to our boys, loud and clear: Making a baby does not make you a man. Living up to your responsibilities, whatever those responsibilities might be, makes you a man.

Kimberly Spector, an LA-based adolescent-health educator quoted in a WebMD story about the study said, "This report shows us that if we as educators and parents are going to take a wholistic approach to sex education, one that addresses all of the risks and most completely informs our students and children, we are going to have to start talking more in depth about the realities of parenting. Teenagers need to know that having babies is not just about cuteness, love, and a lasting relationship with a significant other, but also about dirty diapers, sleepless nights, increasing expenses, and often, emotional exhaustion."

The truth of her words is stunning in its simplicity. We need to teach our kids that sex may result in parenting.

I'm a proponent of open and honest conversations about sex and birth control. I firmly believe that our children need to know about sexually transmitted diseases and birth control options, because like it or not, we can't control our children's behavior. We can, however, influence their behavior, and maybe that's where we've been slacking off.

Most modern sex ed programs focus on mechanics, diseases and birth control methods. But how much time really is spent drumming in the idea that sex leads to babies, which leads to parenting? It's almost as if that reality has gotten lost in the details. It's a hard concept to teach -- I mean, how many of us really understood how difficult parenting would be? -- but one that's absolutely essential. Our boys need to know that sex doesn't end with making a baby, that making a baby is just the beginning.

On the other hand, I don't want our children indoctrinated with the inconveniences of parenting. Yes, having a baby results in dirty diapers, sleepless nights, increased expenses, and often, emotional exhaustion. But parenting can also be the greatest adventure of one's life, an opportunity for personal growth like no other. The hitch, though, is that you have to be ready. To fully partake in the joys of parenting, you have to be ready to set aside your own needs to focus on those of another, and that requires a maturity that most teens simply don't have.

As always, our kids are learning from us. My boys, especially the older ones, understand all too well that parenting is hard work, because they see me doing it day in and day out. They know that toddlers are extremely demanding little creatures because they've seen me deal with their highly persistent and strong-willed little brother. They also see, however, the deep love I have for each of my children, and I frequently talk about ways parenting has changed my life for the better. We also talk very candidly about teen sex, especially during teachable moments. FOX's hit TV show Glee contains a teen pregnancy story line, and we talk about it. Slowly, gradually, I think my boys are getting the message.

What about you? Do you think boys today "get" the idea that sex leads to parenting? What do you think needs to be done to improve our sons' sexual education?

What Do Your Boys Know About Sex?

According to a recent survey, the answer most likely is "not enough."

Researchers from Rand Corp., Virginia Commonwealth University and Children's Hospital Boston surveyed 141 parents and their teens, ages 13 - 17. Sadly, many of teens -- and most of the boys -- had sex before their parents talked to them about STDs, birth control, or how to say no.

It's a topic that hits near and dear to me. I've blogged about the importance of The Talk before, but now that my oldest is 12, the topic has taken on some additional urgency. Apparently (and I should have known this), it's not enough just to know the basics about puberty and reproduction. It's also absolutely important that teens understand the potential consequences of sex, both physical and emotional, and ways to prevent those consequences. Abstinence is ideal, but count me in with those parents who think it's not enough. I want to make absolutely sure that my sons know how they can prevent disease and pregnancy if/when they choose to engage in sex. The consequences are simply too life-altering to take a chance.

Unfortunately, 2/3 of the boys surveyed said their parents had not talked to them about using condoms before they became sexually active. Over half of the teens said they'd engaged in genital touching before talking to their parents about birth control effectiveness or ways to resist sexual pressure. More than 40 percent had intercourse before their parents talked to them about STDs.

I'll be honest: I thought I was doing a good job. I've always answered my sons' questions and my oldest, at least, knows about sex. I never really imagined that I'd need to sit down and talk to him about how to use a condom or what a STD is and how to prevent them. I realize now that I should.

I'm not going to push it, though. Despite the article's warning that "kids need to be up to speed on STDs, birth control, and other health-protective measures by middle school," I'm going to wait a little longer. My son just turned 12. He's homeschooled, so he doesn't face quite as much social pressure to keep up with the scene. And he doesn't have a girlfriend; he doesn't even spend any time alone with girls.

I realize I may be naive. My guess is that many boys manage to have sex before they have girlfriends, and that many children have sex at places and times their parents can't even imagine. We will talk. We will. But for now, I'm going to do as I've always done and follow his lead.

Gender Disappointment

Apparently, some moms are very, very unhappy with their baby boys.

According to a recent article first published in Elle, increasing numbers of American women are voicing their preference for a female child. At least some of those women are spending perfectly good money to enhance their chances. Some are paying for pre-implantation genetic diagnosis, a procedure in which conception occurs outside the body and only the "correct" sex embryos are implants in the woman's body. Others are banking on sperm sorting techniques, such as Microsort.

As a mom of boys (and all boys), I find this trend disturbing, to say the least. Even more disturbing is that the female-child preference seems to be an outgrowth of the current cultural thinking:

What’s behind the modern-day girl fetish? One explanation: Women envision a brighter future for their daughters than they do for their sons. Boys are practically the underdogs these days, having fallen behind girls on nearly every measure of academic achievement, from college attendance to high school graduation rates. According to books such as The War Against Boys and Boys Adrift, they are in danger of becoming, as Christina Hoff Sommers has written, “tomorrow’s second sex.”

“The way society is now—I feel there’s a preference for girls,” says Linda Heithaus, a marine biologist from Hollywood, Florida, who has two sons and is contemplating doing IVF/PGD in the hope of getting a girl. “They can do everything a boy can do, plus you can dress them up. It’s almost like, to fit in, you need to have one.” Girls, in other words, are boys plus. They can play sports and have careers, and you can dress them in pink and take them to tea at the American Girl café. What’s not to like?

Boys do have it tough today. They rank behind girls in academic achievement. They're more likely to be incarcerated. They're more likely to commit suicide. And given the current recession, employment opportunities for boys and men are limited as well. A man can no longer define himself as a success if he provides for his family; he can't even count on providing. Almost all the old benchmarks of male success have disappeared, leaving men and boys stranded in a world that doesn't seem to understand, recognize, or value manliness.

I'm not advocating a return to the "good old days" of the 1950s, a world of rigid sex stereotyping. I'm glad that today's women can (and do) compete in the boardroom, and I'm glad that men can (and do) change dirty diapers.

But boys and girls are different, and I'd like a world where my boys are accepted and valued as they are, not looked upon as less because they have a Y chromosome and love to leap off couches.

Children -- all of them -- come to us with unique personalities and potential. Let's not write off the boys.