In Defense of Boys & Guns

Photo by sean_oliver via Flickr

This is a PopTart. It's a pretty non-threatening almost-food that is commonly eaten by young children and adults who hope to recapture a moment of youth. 

Photo by Jennifer L. W. Fink

This is a boy. (One of mine, actually.) Adding a boy such as this to a Poptart does not turn the Poptart into a deadly weapon of any kind, even if it is chewed into the shape of a gun. Not even if the boy also says, "Bang, bang!"


John Welch, a 7-year-old boy in Baltimore, was recently suspended from school for -- you guessed it -- allegedly chewing his PopTart into the shape of a gun and saying, "Bang, bang!"

Of course, this is not the first time that a boy (or girl) has been suspended from school for fashioning a "gun" out of something else. And the debate surrounding Welch's suspension has been completely predictable. Many, many parents, including the boy's father, who called the decision "insanity." School officials cite privacy, but clearly feel the need to cover their collective behinds in wake of Columbine and Sandy Hook. What other possible explanation could there be for the fact young John's school sent a letter to parents that read, in part, "a student used food to make inappropriate gestures?"

Zero-tolerance discipline policies -- the kind of one-strike-and you're-out policies that have resulted in the suspension of kids for everything from hugging to making pretend guns -- have also been blamed. (And rightly so, in my opinion.)

But for too many people, this incident will be yet another vaguely disturbing news anecdote to discuss for a few days, at best. That's a problem, because John's run-in with school law represents a very clear collision course between boys, schools and society.

It is a well-known fact that boys aren't doing so well in schools these days. Girls have overtaken boys in almost every area of academic performance, and girls consistently lead boys in both grades and attendance. The proportion of men attending and graduating from college, for instance, has steadily declined; females now make up the majority of college students at every level.

Boys, meanwhile, are

• 30% more likely to flunk out or drop out of school.
• Four to five times more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD . According to news reports, John has ADHD.
• More likely to be placed in special education. Two-thirds of special ed students are male. 
• More likely to face suspension or expulsion. 1 of out 5 black boys were suspended during the 2009-2010 school year. That's 20 percent! 1 out of 14, or about 7 percent, of white boys were suspended during the same year.

When will we see -- and acknowledge -- the link? When will a majority of Americans demand that our educational system be reformed to meet the needs of all students, instead of severely penalizing some for exhibiting developmentally appropriate behavior?

It is not unusual for boys to chew food into gun shapes. It is not unusual for boys to want to run around, nor for them to compete in physical and non-physical ways. (Think of the old, "Yeah, well my Dad can..." contests of one-upsmanship.) It's not unusual for boys to prefer a hands-on style of learning, for boys to be attracted to weapons and war games, or for boys to laugh and joke about "disgusting" matters and bodily functions.

Yet all of the above are considered unacceptable in most school settings.

Thankfully, none of my boys have been suspended from school. We have, however, had our share of ridiculous run-ins with stupid rules. Shortly after my second son enrolled in school for the first time -- he'd been homeschooled previously -- I received a note from his teacher, alerting me to the fact that my son had drawn a disturbing picture of an animal killing a human.

He drew a shark attacking a surfer.

He was 10 years old. (Today, he says, "That's what you get for letting me watch National Geographic.")

This year, my youngest son, age six, was forced to redo a drawing of a giraffe for art class -- because he drew a dark pile on the ground beneath the hind end of his giraffe and labeled it "poop." The drawing, I was told, was inappropriate. (Never mind the fact that giraffes really do poop, and that the poop was placed in an anatomically correct position.)

What do these incidents have in common? In every case, a young boy got in trouble for using his imagination to create something. A young boy got in trouble for expressing what was on his mind. (And we wonder why men are reluctant to share their thoughts and feelings?)

If we want our sons to learn, we have to be willing to meet them halfway. We, as adults, need to rediscover the line between fantasy and real-life. We need to remember and review the reams of research that suggest that weapon play is not to be feared in young boys; the playing and acting out aggressive fantasies and scenarios may, in fact, be one way that boys copes with the world around them, while learning what's OK and what's not.

We also need to remember that boys (and girls) are not mini-adults; they're kids. So while some Internet commentators suspect that young John was coached to say that he hadn't intentionally created a gun -- that he was trying to make a mountain instead -- I believe him. Have you ever watched a young child draw? Don't they almost always draw something, and then, as they work, as they see what they've made, declare it a "bird" or "gun" or whatever? I know my kids did -- and that the "subject" of their drawing could change as they colored. Should a boy be punished for honestly stating that his PopTart now looks like a gun?

I don't think so.

Boys, Bullying & Guns

Yesterday, a 16-year-old California boy shot a classmate who allegedly bullied him.

The main story line -- boy brings gun to school and shoots -- is, sadly, not a new one. We have seen and heard this story before, far too many times. And whatever your stance is on guns, parenting, boys, education or bullying, I think we are all, as Jon Stewart said, anti-massacre. No one wants the shooting and killing of innocents to continue.

But gun violence, and violence in general, is a complex problem, and unlike some people, I don't believe that simply enacting gun limits and legislation will solve the problem. The problem goes deeper than that. And a complex problem deserves a complex approach.

Last night, as I pondered the California shooting, it occurred to me that perhaps I need to explicitly tell my boys that shooting someone who bullies you is not right. It's the kind of thing that I hope doesn't need to be said, but as I see and hear stories of boys doing incredibly stupid things (shooting classmates, allegedly raping unconscious girls) it occurs to me that it might not be safe or prudent to assume that my boys just "know" not to do those things.

Besides, I'm beginning to think that our words matter far less than our actions, when it comes to parenting kids. 

You've seen that phenomenon play out in your own family already. Surely you've noticed that your kids are far more likely to do what you do (say, eat potato chips and pizza) than what you say (load up on veggies and fruits.) For better or for worse, you've probably already noticed that when angry, your kids react like the adults around them. You may talk to your child, again and again, about how important it is for him to use his words, but if you throw things in anger and frustration, even on occasion, I guarantee that your child will begin throwing things in anger at some point too.

I want my boys to know that it is never OK to pepper a bully, or anyone else, with bullets or gunshot. I want them to know that violence is not the answer to bullying. But what messages are we really giving our sons regarding bullying and the need to defend and stand up for one's self?

Just this week, at least two disturbing videos surfaced. Both featured men who are vehemently opposed to gun control legislation. Both feature men who seem to view any gun control legislation as a form a bullying, designed to take rights away from individual Americans. And both videos ended with men threatening gun violence if such measures are passed. Conservative radio host Alex Jones told CNN host Piers Morgan that "1776 will commence!" Tactical Response CEO James Yeager said he'll "be glad to fire the first shot," and encourages other "patriots" to "load their mags" and make sure their "rifles are clean." (Warning: Video includes graphic language.)

I want my boys, and yours, to learn that violence -- and especially gun violence -- is not an appropriate response to bullying. But we are living in a culture that subconsciously and overtly suggests that guns can solve problems. Is it any wonder that our boys are confused? That too many boys and men still reach for rifles and guns when they feel frustrated, abused or marginalized?

If we are truly to solve the problem of gun violence in this country, I think we need to look long and hard at our beliefs about violence, and about the right to stand up for one's self. We need national dialogue and reflection, not fingerpointing.

I don't have the answers. In fact, I fear I may be part of the problem. Not long ago, I wrote a blog post in which I wrote, "I do not agree that bullied children should not be allowed to stand up for themselves...Walking away from a fight almost never engenders respect among other boys; instead, it marks the walker as an easy target."

Today, I squirm when I read those words. I still believe them, mostly. I still believe that boys operate based on a hierarchy, and that refusing to acknowledge the ways in which boys think, act and respond leads to a lot of trouble. But more than anything -- and more than ever -- I believe that our boys need a bigger, brighter picture. They need to see men showing them healthy ways of solving conflict, instead of men threatening violence.

I know those men are out there. As a mom, I will support them, encourage them and continue, each and every day to talk about and model constructive problem solving.

Boys & Violence

Image by woodleywonderworks via Flickr

By now, you've surely heard about (& mourned) the tragedy at Sandy Hook. You've seen countless news stories about the shooting, as well as comparisons to other mass shootings, and probably realized that in virtually every case, the shooter was a young male. A boy, or boy-turned-man.

You may have even seen some of the articles exploring this link, such as USA Today's provocative piece, "Guns Don't Kill People -- Our Sons Do."

It's a scary title. And as a divorced mom, I particularly cringed when the author suggested that the Sandy Hook killer many have been negatively influenced by his parents' divorce. But you know what? I think the author is right.

I don't think divorce makes boys into mass murderers, but I do think that a lack of positive male role models is a problem in our society. Don't get me wrong: there are a lot of good men in every community. But too often, the men we celebrate are not men who are living up to their responsibilities or treating others well. Too often, we glorify men who lead lives of selfishness or violence. And too rarely are our boys surrounded by good, loving, compassionate men.

Recently, while researching a story, I interviewed Michael Gurian, author of The Purpose of Boys. Part of boys' problems today, Gurian said, stem from the fact that we as a society have become so attuned to the threat of "bad guys" (especially sexual predators) that we limit boys exposure to men. But the reality, he said, is that most men are not dangerous. They may not be perfect (who is?), but they are perfectly adequate to help boys navigate the road to manhood. Boys, Gurian said, do not need perfect men; they need men who are willing to share their time and experience.

I couldn't agree more.

I also think that understanding and accepting boys as they are -- instead of viewing them as flawed human beings -- could go a long way toward decreasing boys' frustration and anger. Is it ever acceptable to shoot or harm others simply because you're frustrated or angry? Certainly not, and every day, I work to instill that lesson into my boys. (With mixed success, I must say.)

But beginning at an early age, virtually all American boys begin to get a sense that there's something wrong with their natural inclinations. When their parents freak out because they point a stick at another kid and say, "bang!", or when their teachers tell them they must draw their giraffe all over again, simply because they added a labeled pile of poo at the back end of said animal, boys start doubt their instincts. They learn that in order to succeed -- in order to be acceptable -- they must suppress parts of themselves. They learn that their natural male energy is not welcome. And when the look around, they see that only male energy that seems even vaguely acceptable in our society is violent and brash. (Think football players and action heroes.)

It's time to enlarge our boys' notions of masculinity. It's time to accept our boys as they are. And it's time to put an end to this era of violence.

The Challenge of Raising Boys

Photo via U.S. National Archives

What concerns you the most about parenting boys? 

As you know, I tend to draw on my own experience here at Blogging 'Bout Boys. But your experiences might be different -- or they might be awfully familiar, which will make the rest of us feel a whole lot better!

Right now, I'd say my top 3 boy-raising concerns are:

1) Respect. I want my boys to learn to treat men and women, young and old, with respect, and I'd like that respect to show in their words and deeds. Overall, my boys are respectful and polite children, but we still have a ways to go, particularly when it comes to respecting each other! (Please tell me my boys aren't the only ones who like to trash talk one another!)

2) Strict limitations on physical activity and play in schools. My sons' school no longer allows the kids play touch football at recess. Or soccer. If it's too cold or nasty outside, the kids stay in for recess -- in the auditorium, where they are allowed to walk laps. My boys (and yours, I'd guess) need more activity than that. They need room and freedom to move. I understand school administrators' concerns regarding student safety, but I think their concerns are overblown. On a population-wide level, I think we do our boys far more harm by requiring them to remain still and safe most of the day.

3) A sex-and-alcohol-saturated culture. We live in Wisconsin, a state that perpetually bests others in binge drinking and heavy alcohol consumption. Here, it's not uncommon to see adults guzzling beer at a softball game, whether it's their game (yes, I've seen guys drinking beer in dugouts) or their kids' games (yes, I've seen adults drinking beer at 9 am on a Sunday at the Little League game). Add that to a culture that routinely objectifies women and thrusts sexual images at our kids at every opportunity, and you can see why I'm concerned. I want my boys to grow up free of addiction. I want them to be emotionally and physically healthy. Given our environment, though, that's an uphill battle.

********************

 

Huh. If I'd drawn up that list just a few years ago -- say, when I started this blog -- I can guarantee that it would have looked different. Earlier in my parenting career, "guns" or "weapons" definitely would have made the list. Today? I don't even bat an eye when my kids pick up a plastic weapon. 

 

Sex and alcohol wouldn't have made the list a few years ago either. But now, I have a teen. And a tween. And a 6-year-old who watches for hot girls. I guess my concerns are growing along with my boys!

 

 What about you? What are your Top 3 Boy-Raising Concerns?

The Marinette Shooting and the Culture of Fear

The headline last night -- "Armed student reportedly holding high school classroom hostage in Wisconsin" -- took my breath away. I live in Wisconsin. And I still desperately want to believe that things like that don't happen in Wisconsin.

But they do. As you now know, a 15-year-old male student held about two dozen students and a teacher hostage for almost five hours yesterday in Marinette, Wisconsin, a town of about 11,000 on the Wisconsin/Michigan border. The student fired shots in the classroom, but ultimately released all of the hostages. No one was injured, except the gunman, who shot himself when law enforcement officers stormed the classroom. The student died today.

No one was injured...seems like such a false and fake thing to say, doesn't it? The entire town was injured. Every single child in that room will be affected for a long, long time. Parents' hearts stopped last night as they waited to see what would happen. And somewhere in Marinette, a family is dealing with the worst possible grief tonight.

Tonight, his family is simultaneously grieving his death while trying to make sense of his actions -- while the world clamors to know what they knew when. They're dealing with grief and guilt and misunderstanding and hatred. They're wondering if they did enough, if they said something wrong, if somehow they could have prevented the whole fiasco. They'd do anything, I'm sure, to turn the clock back to tomorrow morning.

Most of us would, I think. Most of us would like to turn the clock back to pre-1999, pre-Columbine. Or maybe even pre-1997, pre-Paducah.

My oldest son was born in 1997. He has never known a world where students didn't shoot one another in school. Think about that. School shootings have, in some way, always been a part of my boys' world.

So has terrorism. My oldest son was not quite 3 when the Twin Towers fell; his brother was only 1. We were watching Sesame Street when we heard the news.

And while all of that has seemed far, far away, last night's situation thrust reality in my face. Violence is everywhere. Anger is everywhere. Depression is everywhere.

Fear is everywhere.

Our children are growing up in the culture of fear.

After one of these events, we talk about the human costs, the kids that die and the kids that kill. We talk about gun control and anti-bullying measures and resolve to make things better. But do we talk about the cumulative effects of fear? Do we talk -- at all -- about what it's like for today's kids to grow up in a world where violence may show up on their doorstep at any minute?

I realize that violence is a reality for far too many kids today. I realize that an insecure environment is nothing new for children in many parts of the world and even here in the USA. It's just that no one feels safe anymore. Not even residents of Middle-of-Nowhere, Wisconsin.

On some level, our children have come to expect random, extreme violence as part of life. In their world, it's entirely possible that the grandma in front of them at the airport is concealing a bomb in her brassiere, or that a class will end abruptly in a spray of gunfire.

What does that knowledge do to a developing brain? Will our children suffer from an inability to connect, to trust?

I don't know the answers. But I do know that succumbing to the fear will only make things worse. The only way -- the ONLY way -- out of this mess is to connect, to redevelop human connections.

When my children ask about Marinette, I will answer their questions. I will continue, however, to nurture their belief in the human spirit. I will continually point out all the wonderful and amazing people in this world who are working to make this world a better place. Just last night, I got an email from a neighbor who is organizing a fundraiser for a local couple who was recently diagnosed with cancer. (Yes, couple. Both husband and wife are staring at months of treatment and mounting medical bills.) A small-town fundraiser might not seem like much, but it's an example of people caring, people connecting. It's tangible proof that much good remains here in the world, despite the scary headlines.

I don't want my boys -- or yours -- to get lost in the culture of fear. Let's nurture their connections instead.

Banish the Bad Guys?

If you have boys at home, you know they're built for battle. Whether you allow gun play or not, whether you own a TV or not, I'll willing to bet that your boys have played some kind of war/cops-robbers/good guy-bad guy game -- probably within the last 24 hours.

But not all adults are comfortable with this kind of play, and that can be a problem for boys in school, in daycare and at home.

A recent MSNBC article, "Bring it: Boys may benefit from aggressive play," analyzed the research on both sides of the story and concluded that there is nothing inherently wrong with boys' battle play. However, many teachers (and some parents) continue to believe that allowing mock battle play will somehow reinforce violent attitudes and behavior.

And, on a practical note, many teachers and parents simply find battle play harder to deal with than, say, pretend house play. In the MSNBC article, researcher Mary Ellin Logue is quoted as saying, "We don't want to condone violence, we don't want to risk it getting out of control..."

I can relate to that concern. As a parent, it can be extraordinarily difficult for me to let the battle play continue, especially when I see the stakes rising or a younger brother getting frustrated. As a parent, I know only all too well that the line between happy play and sobbing child is tissue-paper thin. As a parent, it sometimes seems that would it be much easier -- for me -- to squash the battle play all together than to deal with raised voices, swinging swords and potentially unhappy children. But is that best for my boys?

I think not, and the research agrees with me. Sophisticated play (yes, even play that includes one team holding down the fort while the other tries to break in) helps children learn delayed gratification, consideration for other's perspectives and impulse control. It also encourages imagination and storytelling, two skills that are crucial for later success in writing. And battle play may even help children deal with their inner demons. Some researchers suggest that fighting against "the bad guys" is little boys' way of working through their own less-than-admirable impulses. "These bad guys," Logue is quoted as saying, "give them a way to externalize that part of them that they are trying to conquer."

So before you rush in to break up your sons' battles, take a breath. Watch. Listen. Observe. And when you feel your adrenaline rising, remember these words of Michael Thompson, author of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys: "Play, rougher in its themes and rougher physically, is a feature of boyhood in every society on Earth."

Zero Tolerance and Common Sense

As you may have heard, little David Morales created a patriotic-themed hat -- by gluing toy soldiers to a camouflage hat -- for a school project. His hat did not go over well. The principal called the boy's parents and told them that the hat wasn't allowed in school. The reason? The toy soliders carry toy weapons, and school policy forbids the wearing of images of weapons or drugs.

Naturally, much uproar ensued. David's parents expressed their view (which basically boiled down to, "It's a hat. Created to honor veterans. Why all the uproar?"), but ultimately abided by the prinicpal's decision. The case, though, had already attracted national attention. Ultimately, David received a medal from Lt. Gen. Reginald Centracchio, the retired head of the Rhode Island National Guard, who also met with school officials and asked them to review the policy. To their credit, the school officials did so.

"The event exposed how a policy meant to ensure safe environments for students can become restrictive and can present an image counter to the work of our schools to promote patriotism and democracy," Coventry school superintendent Ken Di Pietro told the Associated Press.

Always one to seize a teachable moment, I showed a picture of the hat to my 9-year-old son. "It's a pretty cool hat," he said. I told him what happened. "What is wrong with those people?" he said. "It's a little plastic toy, Mom. What do you think is going to do more damage, a little plastic toy or a pencil? But they allow pencils in school! There are thumb tacks on the bulletin board. Heck, you can do more damage with the rocks next to the playground!"

Methinks the boy has a point. What do you think?

Life with Boys

Am I the only boy-mom who doesn't swoon at the sight of little girls clothes?

I know quite a few moms of boys who wish they'd had a daughter -- not because they yearn for the mother-daughter bond but because they dreamed of dressing a little girl in cute frilly dresses. Like this mom.

When I walk through a mall, though, and see the clothing options available to today's young girls, I'm GLAD I have sons! My sons can get away with a Tshirt and jeans for almost every occasion, and I never, ever have to worry about the length of their skirts or clothing that has "Eye Candy" emblazoned across the butt. My boys are so clueless about clothing that I can place hand-me down clothes in their drawer and the boys will wear some of those hand-me downs, oh, 5 times before looking down one day and asking, "Where'd I get this shirt?"

But let's revisit the girl-clothing-swoooning mama up above. I might not share her fetish for all things pink, but I can definitely relate to her life. I haven't given my boys my wooden dollhouse, but I can totally picture my boys destroying one in less than 10 minutes. And when she talks about her son, who still calls all women "Mama" but correctly identifies cars, trucks and trains, my heart sings with recognition.

As a women, I will never quite understand my sons' predisposition toward guns and trucks and farts. As a mom, though, I'm having a great time exploring their world.

Blogathon2010 Guest Blogger: Jan Udlock

It's guest blogger day! Please allow me to introduce fellow freelancer and homeschooler, Jan Udlock. Jan writes for a wide variety of magazines and homeschools her youngest three children (ages 10,13, 14; her oldest children are away at college). She lives with her family on a bit of acreage in the Pacific Northwest. Her vices include coffee, chocolate, anything pink, and checking her email too often. Catch her blog at IMP3RfeCt Mom. (I'm there today too, if you want to check me out!)

When my first-born boy was young and we were living in Southern Callifornia, I was not going to allow guns in the house. And yet, when he was around 18 months, he was eating a graham cracker in his high chair and took a bite out of it and proceeded to say bang! (I had never said that.) Because he was our first, he didn’t watch violent cartoons, etc. etc. Now, 21, he reminds me that I never allowed Power Rangers because I thought that the program was too violent.

We now live in a rural area in Oregon and as my boys got older, they shot BB guns. My oldest wanted to hunt with a bow and arrow. As the mom, I did not understand any of this at all. My family in Southern California do not understand hunting in the least. However, I definitely think it’s a regional tradition.

My younger son plays airsoft on our property with his friends. Why do you want to shoot each other while running around in the trees? He proudly shows me his welts when he comes in and brags about the welts he gave his brother or friends.

Competition between my sons seems to be the constant topic at our house. They brag about how much weight they’ve gained. They talked about the pounds they can lift, press, squat or whatever they do with weights. Our youngest son is taller than his older brother and when the oldest comes home from college, my youngest son takes every opportunity he can, measuring himself next to his brother and announcing the difference.

My boys can be a bunch of cavemen. But they can still have a tender heart. My youngest has a cat that he snuggles with every night in bed. And my oldest kisses me and all three of his younger sisters every time he comes home from school as they run to greet him. Raising boys was not what I expected it to be. It’s worrisome and always a stretch for me to understand their desires but I wouldn’t have it any other way. (I keep telling myself...)

Homeschooling Boys

What a great session! When I agreed to present a session on Homeschooling Boys at the Wisconsin Parents Association's annual conference, I had no idea I'd be speaking to a room of almost 100 people. And yet there they were, bright-faced at 8:30 AM on a Saturday morning, ready to share their concerns, insights and comments.

Ostensibly, I was the expert, but I learned from the conference attendees as well. I learned that parents of boys are hungry for information about boys' mental, emotional and physical growth and development. I learned that they're passionate in their quests to support their sons' learning, and frequently frustrated with institutional educational settings that not-so-subtly imply that there must be something wrong with their sons. Many -- if not most -- homeschooling parents of boys have sent their sons to schools, but ended up bringing them back home because school wasn't working out. Either the school squashed their sons' natural love of learning or deemed their sons deficient. Too often, boys who have a hard time sitting down, reading or writing are labeled as troublemakers, slow learners or hyperactive children. Rarely does the school take responsibility for creating an environment that fails to respect the basics of boy behavior and biology.

I also learned that parents of boys grapple with many of the same questions. Over and over again, I heard the same three concerns:

1. Boys' predilection to violence and guns. Seeing little boys shoot each other as they play War is unsettling, especially to parents who came of age post-Columbine. Our society is understandably jittery about violence and gun play, and for good reason. But boys have been fascinated with violence forever, and guns, ever since they were invented. Fortunately, a lot of good research suggests that violent play (including gun play) may actually be healthy for boys.
2. Boys' difficulty with writing. Most boys are reluctant writers. Part of that reluctance is biologic: Boys' fine motor skills develop at a slower pace than girls', so holding a pencil and forming letters on a page truly can feel like torture to a young boy. The parents I talked to, though, had some innovative ideas for encouraging boys to write. Ever thought of picking up postcards as souvenirs everywhere you go, and asking your boys to jot down their favorite memories of the day? Postcards are much less intimidating than big sheets of paper!
3. Boy's apparent lack of interest in reading. Boys in general are not avid readers. But right there, in the middle of my session, sat a young boy reading, Diary of a Wimpy Kid. If your son is reluctant to read, read to him. Check out non-fiction books on topics of his interest. And try comics. After my session, I attending one about learning through comics. In years past, comics were ridiculed as fluff, but for some kids, comics can inspire a whole tidal wave of learning. One homeschooled student even learned Japanese as a result of her love of manga.

Do you agree with my list? What are your top concerns about your sons?

So THIS Is Why my Toy Room is Filled with Tonka Trucks!

I started down the Path of Parenthood with few, if any, toys. We got a stuffed Tigger for our oldest son's birth, but that was about it. Twelve years and four boys later, our toy room is a stereotypical boy haven.

In one corner, Tonka trucks and farm toys. In another, wooden blocks and Lincoln logs. Matchbox cars litter the floor and toy guns peek out from the toy box. Random dinosaurs, poker chips and action figures -- not to mention light sabers and train tracks -- complete the look.

I did not intend to have this many boy toys. And, to be fair, my boys have played with some "girly" toys as well. They loved Care Bears. They liked the Winx club. We even have dolls and a plastic babycare center.

Overwhelmingly, though, their toys scream, "male!" Is it because I unconsciously push my boys toward boy toys, or because of their own innate preferences?

A new study suggests that hormones are to blame. Researchers measured testosterone and estrogen levels of three- to four-month-old babies; they also used eye-tracking software to guage the babies' level of interest in a doll vs. a ball. The results indicate that babies with higher testosterone levels prefer the ball.

What do you think? Do you think boys show a natural inclination toward "boy toys?"

Crafting in Clay

Our drive home from the orthodontist today turned into an impromptu art class.

For some inexplicable reason, Boy #3 brought along some modeling clay. He crafted a bullet out of his clay and showed it to his brothers, who promptly told him everything that was wrong with it ("it doesn't even have a primer pan"). They, of course, declared they could do better. Soon, all three of them were crafting projectiles out of clay.

Boy #2 made a shotgun shell. Boy #1 created a musket ball, which he deemed the most realistic, since musket balls WERE essentially round balls. Not to be outdone, I promised to blow them away by crafting a .22 when we arrived home. (Yes, I simply made a "22" out of clay. They did not appreciate my humor.)

The whole incident got me thinking about boys and the many ways our society restricts boy behavior. Would my boys have been allowed to create clay bullets at school? I doubt it. For understandable reasons, schools no longer allow weapons of any kind -- even in play. Boys who write stories with violent themes are referred for psychological counseling. Games such as King of the Mountain are disallowed.

Boys, though, are drawn to these things. Most boys have an innate fascination with weaponry and most boys have a desire to test their strength and courage against other boys. Boys have a natural tendency toward competition. Boys think, wonder and fantasize about war.

That doesn't mean that the boys in question actually want to blow each other's heads off; it just means that they're learning how to make sense of those impulses. It means they're exploring ideas. It means they're growing.

What do our boys lose when we forbid them from all expressions of violence? When we tell them what their stories can and cannot be about? Do they not learn that there's something wrong with them, at the core?

Today, I was glad my boys were home, free to craft in clay.

Setting Boundaries

Joyce Grant, of Getting Kids Reading, had a great post yesterday about why boys don't like school. She recently attended a Leonard Sax seminar and wrote a great summary of the biologically-based learning differences between boys and girls.

She also wrote about boundaries. I love point # 7:

Boys understand boundaries. Instead of saying, "no throwing snowballs," make some boundaries. "Snowball throwing within this area only." Boys get "inbounds vs. out-of-bounds." And they're good with it.

We can't outlaw boy behavior. We can't outlaw running and screaming and jumping. We can't ban all violent play, and we can't stop them from wrestling. If we do that, we send boys the message that their internal impulses are somehow wrong, and that's just, well, wrong.

We can, however, set some boundaries. We can help them redirect their energies. We can suggest, for instance, that they leap off the playground instead of off the couch. We can give them play guns (or not) while letting them know that it's not OK to point a weapon at someone in anger. We can provide safe spaces and sane boundaries (such as no hitting the head or groin)when they start to wrestle.

Providing boundaries recognizes and respects boys' innate needs, while teaching them basic social behavior. Providing boundaries allows boys to experiment with their power and strength in a safe way. Providing boundaries helps boys grow into confident men.

The next time your boys are driving you crazy, don't simply outlaw the behavior. Work with your boys to develop some boundaries instead.

Snapshot Sunday: Up North Vacation

Snapshot Sunday: Stick 'Em Up

Guns: Yay

We seem to be a pretty pro-toy gun bunch: over 60% of the respondents to my poll said they let their boys play with toy guns unrestricted. Of course, I have a healthy hunch that even "unrestricted" comes with some common sense guidelines. I mean, I answered "unrestricted," but if I see one of my boys whacking the other over the head with a toy gun -- well, that's another story!

(Can you tell that's happened here before?)

That said, I completely respect other parents' rules and wishes. If another family comes over to play and they are not comfortable with toy guns, I'll ask the boys to put them away.

For me, that's what it's all about: respect. Respecting our boys' desires to experiment with power and toy weapons. Respecting the weapons. And respecting each other. If we teach our sons to respect themselves and one another, I don't think we'll have to worry too much about real violence down the road.

Gun Safety, Not Gun Control

I know -- I sound like a representative of the NRA.

In reality, nothing could be further from the truth; I actually think some gun control is a good thing. But we're not talking politics here; we're talking boys. And when it comes to gun play, I think our best bet is to seize the teachable moment.

Without being all preachy -- because, as William Pollack, PhD, author of Real Boys says, "the last thing you want to do is shame your child" -- explain what guns are. Explain what they are for --and what they are not.

And then, whether you want to or not, discuss gun safety. My biggest fear, when I see my 3-year-old pick up a plastic gun and "shoot" his brothers, is that he would do the same exact thing if he found a real gun. Sadly enough, it's a distinct possibility.

A 2001 study published in Pediatrics was called, "Seeing is Believing: What Do Boys Do When They Find a Real Gun?" The investigators paired up boys, ages eight to twelve, and placed them in a room with two water pistols and an actual .380 caliber handgun. The weapons were all concealed in separate drawers. Using a one-way mirror, the investigators had a first-hand glimpse of how boys would behave when they found a real gun. (It's worth noting here that EXTENSIVE safety controls were in place.)

Sixteen of twenty-one groups of boys who found the real gun handled it. In ten of the groups, one or more of the boys pulled the trigger.

It's a sobering study, one that clearly points the need to responsible gun ownership. If you have a gun, make sure it is properly locked up at all times; if having boys has taught me anything, it's that they can find anything they're not supposed to find. (And nothing they're supposed to. Are shoes really THAT hard to find?)

Ask about guns and gun security as well. If your son is going to be playing at a friend's house, you need to know whether or not there are guns in the home -- and I'm not talking plastic guns; I'm talking real guns that can really hurt. If the friends are gun owners (and you'd be surprised how many people are), ask about how the guns are secured. If you're not happy with the answer -- or just don't feel good about your son playing in a home where there are guns -- invite the friend over to your house instead.

Most importantly, review over and over and over again what to do if your son finds a gun. Ask him what he'd do if he found a gun other than the colorful plastic ones he sees laying around the neighborhood. If the answer is, "give it to an adult," -- WRONG! Stress that he should never -- ever -- touch an unknown gun. Tell him that he should immediately call an adult and let the adult handle the situation.

Each year, over 1000 children are killed by guns. Don't let your son be one of them.

Gun Play and Boys: Yay or Nay?

After I wrote about the contents of our toyroom, another boy mama wrote in with a question:

OMG! My son just (to my horror!) discovered ... guns! It's a total fixation since we were visiting another pal of mine with an older boy. I'm hoping it passes. I'm a big fan of gun control ... even the toys ones. Any advice for steering a 3 yr old away from the firearms?

She reminds me of me eight short (or is that long?) years ago.

Our oldest son was three, and up to that point, we'd sheltered him from toy guns. I grew up in a no-toy-gun household, even though I had four brothers; our squirt guns were animals or empty syrup bottles, never miniature guns. My husband was a former Marine (and an excellent shot), but I saw no need for my son to PLAY with something meant to cause death and destruction.

Then we moved into our house. The house came with excellent neighbors, but with the neighbors came toy guns. My son loved them -- the neighbors AND the guns.)

What was I to do? If I banned toy guns all together, my son would be left out of most neighborhood games. (Did I mention the high boy population in my neighborhood?) And even if I banned them, the damage was done: he'd seen the guns and he wanted one.

My husband -- a former boy himself -- advised me to not make it a big deal. Make it big deal, he said, and you'll only make things worse.

So I nervously watched while my innocent child played guns. I drafted an essay about his fascination with guns, and breathed a sigh of relief a few days later when I wrapped it up: After days of intense interest, the plastic gun lay forgotten next to the toy box while my son once again watched Elmo.

If only I was to be so lucky.

That same son is now 11, and his favorite channel on TV is the Military Channel. Guns are no longer his weapon of choice; he'd much rather wield a light saber when saving the world. He does, however, have a BB gun and pellet gun and enjoys shooting targets in the garage.

So no -- I don't have any advice for steering a three-year-old away from guns. I do have some reassuring words, though. A fascination with guns does not mean your son is going to turn into a crazed homicidal maniac. It doesn't mean that your son is someday going to shoot up his school. It doesn't even mean he'll become a hunter.

Lest you think I'm making this up, the research backs me up on this one:

• Gun play helps boys learn the difference between real violence and fantasy violence. So says a study published in the American Journal of Play. Boys, as we've discussed before, are biologically prone to aggression. Pretend gun play gives them a chance to experiment with aggression and power without actually hurting anyone. It also gives them the chance to play the hero.



• Playing with guns helps boys develop a sense of their masculinity. I know -- I'm doubtful about this one too. But the author of the same study suggests that "boys' play with guns is in, part, an important test or proof of their masculinity."



• Gun play helps boys process real violence. Nancy Carlsson-Paige, co-author of, Who's Calling the Shots?: How to Respond Effectively to Children's Fascination with War Play and War Toys, says,"If parents 'ban' gun play, they run the risk of cutting off a valuable vehicle children need for processing the violence [because] kids use their play to make meaning of what they have expereienced in life, and in this case, of the violence they have seen." (Which can include everything from cartoons to TV shows, video games and books.)

What do you think? Do you think playing with guns inspires violence? What's the gun control policy at your house?