Guest Post: Male Strength

Today I'm honored to have Brian Plachta as my guest blogger. Brian is the author the recently released book:  Pillars of Steel---How Real Men Draw Strength from Each Other.  

My wife was fishing around recently asking me what I wanted for Father’s Day.  I pondered for a minute, ran through the typical list in my head---a necktie? No, too boring. New golf driver? No, got one last year.  Gas grill?  No, too expensive.  

But then out of nowhere in the middle of my wondering, the thought popped into my head like a kid waiting to be picked in a duck-duck-goose game, and I blurted out:  “Strength.  That’s what I want for father’s day this year.  Male strength.”

She looked at me with that puzzled look in her eyes wondering if my dementia was acting up again, but since we’ve been married almost twenty-nine years and she has a heart of compassion and wisdom, she simply asked, “What do you mean?”

“I want some good ol’ fashion strength.” I replied. “The kind like my father had, but different.  I want to feel like I am able to protect and provide for you and the kids.  I want to feel like I am capable of surviving anything that happens.  And part of that is feeling like I’m plugged into some inner compass that guides and directs me when I’m trying to make the tough decisions I have to make in life.  I want to feel like a strong man again with strength tempered by compassion for you and the kids, myself, and others.”

“Wow! That’s a tall order.”  My wife replied.  “I’m not sure Macy’s carries that.”

We chuckled out loud for a few minutes.  But then I shared with her what I’ve been learning as I dig deep into my own heart and into researching what some call the current “crisis of masculinity.”

Whether we realize it or not, men are currently in the middle of a paradigm shift.  Women have taken their proper role in society after the women’s movement dramatically changed the way society defines womanhood.  As a result, the pendulum of male-female relationships has swung significantly and men are left asking the question, “Where does that leave us?” Confused; surprised; the soft male; having to redefine what genuine masculinity is or else culture will define it for us, and is, as men get caricaturized on television comedy shows like Two and a Half Men as the buffoon, the idiot.

And perhaps because we abused our strength and power as men collectively over the years, men are often now laughed at when we do exercise our strength in a balanced way. And we’re left having to redefine what authentic male strength is. 

 Robert Bly in his epic book, Iron John, defines true male strength as the “deep male”---the man who is able to connect with his soul, who is able to wrestle out loud with his vulnerability and gain wisdom as a result of his having asked the important questions of life so he can live into the answers.  St. Paul calls the strong man, the “inner man”---the man who digs deep and understands who he is and who he is not.

I’m finding that’s what I am looking for these days along with a growing number of my buddies: male strength, the deep male, even if we can’t quite find the language yet to define it, much less talk about it.  And since male strength is something I have to find for myself---on the inside---my wife can’t give it to me wrapped up in a neat package like a typical father’s day gift, but she can help understand where men find themselves today and help point me toward that inner journey. 

 When my wife and I got married, during our wedding vows we promised to help each other become the best person we could become.  Part of that promise for her has been coming to a deeper understanding of how tough it is to be a man in today’s culture because of the pendulum shift.  Richard Rohr, a Roman Catholic priest and pioneer in the men’s movement, captures the current state of men’s dilemma:

Take a typical woman, educated or uneducated, of most any race or ethnicity, and give her this agenda: “You are not to have any close friends or confidants; you are to avoid any show of need, weakness or tender human intimacy; you may not touch other women without very good reason; you may not cry; you are not encouraged to trust your inner guidance but only outer authorities and ‘big’ people; and you are to judge yourself by your roles, titles, car, house, money and successes. People are either in your tribe, or they are a competitive threat—or of no interest.” Then tell her, “This is what it feels like to be a male, most of the time.”

“Maleness,” reports Rohr, “can be a very lonely and self-defeating world.”

I think the best thing my wife can do for me and for my three sons is to understand the cultural shift men are experiencing, to read about it, learn about it, and then use her gift of being a strong nurturer to point me and my sons in a new direction. 

This new direction will require women to:

·           Be open to unfolding.  There’s no defined path for the new genuine manhood that is evolving.  That means it might be messy at times and it has to unfold like walking a virgin hiking trail with only a compass in hand.  That means the journey can’t be controlled, it can only be trusted.

·               Understand.  We are only coming now to a deeper realization that men are changing drastically as a result of the pioneering women have done over the past forty years.  Therefore, just as men have had to learn about how women changed and evolved, women will need to learn about the crisis in masculinity and how it is inviting men to deeper transformation.

·            Nurture.  Like a deer coming out of the woods into an open valley, men are often unsure and skeptical of things they can’t understand or control.  Therefore, rather than pushing men into growth and transformation (which will only cause them to rush back into the woods) women will need to understand that these are tough times for men and support them as they take the leap of faith diving into this modern challenge of masculinity.

·          Encourage.    As women begin to understand the path men are on and what men need to do to grow and change just like women evolved over the last few decades, women can walk alongside men gently point them in a new direction---the direction of the deep male, the inner man.  This will require women to create the freedom and space for men to pursue new opportunities shoulder-to-shoulder with other men.

This new direction will require men to: 

Take life a little more seriously (although not too seriously or we’ll lose our sense of humor and become a bore) 

Take the risk of developing male friendships much deeper than the superficial ones limited by the man code (those unwritten rules left over from patriarchy that restrict men from talking about anything other than women, work and sports, lest we get thrown out of the man club); and

              Find a faith that is real and relevant for themselves and their sons.  

I realize this is a tall order.  But perhaps if women and men together can find the trail marker defining where men are at culturally as a result of the pendulum shift, we can blaze a new trail that will allow us to be better partners on the journey of becoming the best persons we can be. Who knows, this new trail of genuine masculinity, the deep male, might even change the course of history, just like the women’s movement. So, what do you think?  What did you get your loved one for Father’s Day this year?

 

Brian Plachta is an attorney, husband and father. He holds a Masters in Pastoral Counseling degree, and is a certified Spiritual Director. He is a frequent workshop speaker on men’s spirituality topics for churches, spiritual life centers and men’s conferences throughout the state of Michigan. He also serves as an adjunct faculty member at the Dominican Center at Marywood, an ecumenical spiritual life center in West Michigan.

His new book, Pillars of Steel---How Real Men Draw Strength from Each Other, is a field guide for men and women which provides a trail marker for  and history of  men’s masculinity.  Contact Brian directly at:  b_plachta@yahoo.com.

Virtual Book Club: Thoughts on The Mama's Boy Myth

Have you ever been counseled to push your son away? To create some psychological distance between yourself and your son? To stop "babying" him or kissing or hugging him?

Ahmeritt, a Blogging 'Bout Boys reader was. Her son is now 18, but she distinctly remembers "a church deacon counseling my husband to not let his son be too close to his mother."

Such advice -- and the fears represented by such misguided advice -- is examined closely in Kate Stone Lombardi's book, The Mama Boy's Myth. For decades, Lombardi says, women have been counseled to back off from their sons, lest they somehow contaminate, corrupt or otherwise interfere with their sons' development. But those misguided messages, she argues, are harmful to both boys and their mothers -- and to the society at large.

She starts with society's current mythology regarding moms and boys:

Mothers who stay emotionally close to their sons for "too long" are seen as those smothering moms who won't let their boys grow up. Instead of pushing them out of the nest to make their way in the rough-and-tumble world, these moms hold their sons too tightly. They create effeminate "mama's boys" who will invite contempt from their peers and will be forever maladjusted.

Think about that for a bit. I personally never felt pressured to push my sons away, and I certainly haven't stopped hugging or kissing them, despite the fact that my oldest is now 14. But it has been implied that I have "too much influence" over them. And realizing that, I realize that there are definitely still people who believe that a mother's continued influence over her sons is somehow a bad thing.

The good news, Lombardi writes, is that most moms are ignoring the advice and following their instincts instead:

This is...the story of an underground movement being conducted by a generation of mothers. It's not only that women are keeping close to their sons; it's that in rejecting decades of accepted "wisdom" about how to raise boys, mothers are questioning the very nature of masculinity and redefining assumptions about gender. By nurturing close bonds with their sons, mothers are developing in boys traits like sensitivity, emotional awareness, tenderness, and the ability to articulate feelings...

Intrigued? Check out or buy a copy of book and join us! We're reading it this month, and will be discussing it online; the author will also be joining us soon for a Q & A. Got a question you want to ask? Leave it below, in the comments. Meanwhile, keep loving those boys! You matter, perhaps more than you think.

Virtual Book Club: Mama's Boy Myth

I ordered my book. I contacted the author. And we've got some fun things planned here at Blogging 'Bout Boys!

This month, we're going to be reading The Mama's Boy Myth, a new book by Kate Stone Lombardi. This book examines the mother-son relationship, and concludes that being close to your son isn't a bad thing at all. In fact, having a close relationship with his mother may make a boy a stronger man.

Want to join in? Here's how you can be a part of Blogging 'Bout Boys first-ever book discussion:

1. Get your hands on a copy of The Mama's Boy Myth. I just ordered a Kindle version. (It's $13 less than the hardcover copy!) If you don't want to buy a copy, ask your local library if they can get a copy for you. Many libraries now offer e-book loans too.
2. Start reading! I'm going to start reading tonight. (Have you started already? If so, tell me about it in the comments!)
3. Send me your questions, thoughts, comments and concerns. As you're reading, jot down your thoughts and questions. Do the author's words remind you of a similar story? Write it down! Send any thoughts, comments, questions, concerns or stories to me at jennifer@jenniferlwfink.com. (Of course, some thoughts are purely private. Feel free to keep two lists -- one of thoughts to share, and one just for you.)
4. Check back on Tuesday, April 10. Next Tuesday, I'll run a blog post that includes a few of my thoughts based on the book -- and, hopefully, some of your thoughts and stories as well.
5. Watch for an author Q & A during the week of April 16. We're still working out the details, but it looks like some sort of author Q & A will go live during the week of the 16th. Got a question for the author? Send it to me at jennifer@jenniferlwfink.com.
6. Stay tuned for a wrap-up event towards the end of the month. Still working out the details on this one too, but I promise you something interesting, enlightening and informative.
7. Spread the word! Got any friends who have sons? Tell them about our book club! Encourage them to join us. (Feel free to spread the word via your social networks as well!). The more, the merrier!

Questions? Email me (jennifer@jenniferlwfink.com) or leave your question below.

And the Winner Is...

Denise Schipani!

Denise, who blogs over at Confessions of a Mean Mommy, is proud mommy to Daniel and James. She's also sick of people assuming that her boys will someday grow up and forget all about her. (Boy-moms, can you relate? I sure can!)

Thanks to all who entered my contest. Only one could win, and this time around, that winner is Denise. An autographed copy of I'm Outnumbered: One Mom's Lessons in the Lively Are of Raising Boys is on its way.

Contest Announcement: Book Giveaway!

In case you missed it yesterday, I'm giving away one autographed copy of Laura Lee Grove's new book, I'm Outnumbered: One Mom's Lessons in the Lively Art of Raising Boys. To enter:

•Leave a comment, either telling me one thing you've learned about raising boys or asking a question about boys. I'll answer all questions in future posts.

•Be sure to include your contact info! Please leave an email address, so I can contact you if you're the winner.

•One comment = one entry. (And please, no more than one comment per blog post). To earn additional entries, you can...

•Tweet the contest. Each tweet (up to one per day per entrant) equals one more entry. Please include my Twitter tag (@jlwf) so I know you've tweeted!

•Mention the contest on Facebook. Again, be sure to let me know. (You can find me on Facebook as Jennifer L.W. Fink.)

•Mention the contest in a blog post and include a link back to my blog. I love getting to know other bloggers!

The contest will run through midnight CST next Friday, September 10. The winner will be drawn at random via http://www.random.org/ and will be notified ASAP. Laura will send the book directly to the winner.

Good luck!

Gay

In the early 1900s, gay meant happy and carefree. In 2010, gay is about the worst epithet a boy can throw at a another boy.

Last year I blogged about Dude, You're a Fag: Masculinity and Sexuality in High School, a book that explores boys' seach for meaning and masculinity. That post came to mind as I watched the most recent episode of Glee this week.

Watch Kurt's dad stand up for his son after Finn, another member of the show choir, uses the word, "faggy."

Books 'Bout Boys: Packaging Boyhood

Like it or not, the media has a massive effect on today's boys.
That's why I was so excited to see Packaging Boyhood: Saving Our Sons from Superheroes, Slackers and Other Media Stereotypes, a new book by Lyn Mikel Brown, Sharon Lamb and Mark Tappan. Today, they share with us an excerpt about boys and drinking -- and as a resident of Wisconsin, a state that consistently leads the nation in binge drinking, I agree that it's high time we started paying attention to the unconscious messages we send our sons.

According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, males age 12 or older report higher rates than females for all measures of alcohol use and abuse, including binge drinking and alcohol dependence.

No wonder. The party-hardy atmosphere is everywhere they are – from about age 5 and up. We’re not talking about the ubiquitous beer commercials during Monday Night Football, the crazy liquored-up antics on VH-1 or MTV reality shows, or even the champagne drinking players in rap videos. We’re talking cartoons, G-rated films, and tween TV. Whether it’s the Poison Apple Pub in Shrek or the cool bar on the beach where the Madagascar friends hang out, socializing in animated films often means drinking.

And just like it is in real life, over-indulging leads to trouble-making and stupid behavior. Elliot the deer and Boog the bear, two buddies in the animated film Open Season, trash a country store after getting “drunk” on candy bars. Buzz Lightyear drinks too much “tea” in Toy Story, and his friend Woody tries to sober him up. In his movie, SpongeBob SquarePants has a terrible hangover from his ice-cream bender of the night before.

But why let the elementary school set have all the fun? Nothing says cool to a “tweenager” more than a good out of control party. TV shows targeting tweens help kids imagine being a mythic teenager; you know, the guy who has the hot babes and the fun parties, who hangs in clubs, dorms, and other places where there are no pesky, dopey, intrusive, nagging parents; the guy who has no homework or after school job and who doesn’t actually work hard at anything.

That’s why the boys in The Naked Brothers Band, a Nick show about a group of precocious preteens living the rock star dream, do their best to imitate the kinds of problems parents are trying to control. In their first movie, a mockumentary of their rock star rise to fame, then six-year-old bad boy drummer Alex develops a lemon-lime soda addiction. When their original band breaks up, he binges in a bar scene, chugging like a frat boy, and ends up in a luxury rehabilitation Soda-holics at Sea program.

Then there’s bad boy Zack on The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, a show about twin tweens living it up in a luxury hotel (the new version of the show has them living it up on a luxury cruise ship—more babes in bikinis!), who sets up his own underage dance club in the hotel lounge. The boy “bartender” pushes sugary soda to shy, nice girl, Barbara, and after chugging root beer – “Hit me again!” – she takes her hair down, whips off her glasses and starts dancing suggestively while the crowd shouts, “Go Barbara! Go Barbara!” It’s a nerdy boy’s dream when she staggers to Cody and kisses him hard on the mouth.

Most of these preteen shows feature 8-14 year olds running their own lives in a world created for them by adult writers who know how to create a pseudo-sanitized version of Entourage. All the themes, expectations, and desires are there—but it’s okay because the drinks they’re chugging aren’t really alcoholic and the come-ons and references to hot girls don’t really lead to the party-house bedroom. But there’s no missing the staggering around and slurred speech or the wild, loose behavior as anything but an imitation of the real thing.

So what’s a parent to do? Watch these shows and movies with your son. Help him understand what’s really being sold with those funny antics and silly situations, and discuss the behavior you see.

Here are a few “typical boy” behaviors to look out for in his media:

Koolaid or soda chugging in ways that suggest chugging a beer;
Doing "jello shots", even when it's just jello.
Getting crazy, acting goofy or doing stupid things after drinking sugary sodas or some other beverage.
Sharing woes or drowning troubles in a bar or saloon;
Living a party social life in clubs, dorms, or on the beach, chilling with sodas or drinks in beer mugs, champagne flutes, or cocktail glasses.

It will be nearly impossible to protect him from a “drinking is a rite of passage for boys” media message, so start these conversations early. Put his natural powers of observation to work, teach him to question advertising, and help him know when to say no to this version of “boys will be boys” behavior!

Lyn Mikel Brown, Ed.D., Sharon Lamb Ed.D., and Mark Tappan, Ed.D. are authors of Packaging Boyhood: Saving Our Sons From Superheroes, Slackers, and Other Media Stereotypes.

Books for Boys: The Legend of Vinny Whiskers

Happy October! Today, we kick off a new feature: Books for Boys. Approximately once per week, I'll highlight a Book for Boys (or Boy Parents), a book I think your boys will love -- or one that will make your job as a boy parent a little bit easier. Each Book for Boys day will include a Q & A with the author, providing you with a behind-the-scenes look at the book. (I sound like Dr. Suess there, don't I?)

Today's book is The Legend of Vinny Whiskers, which I previously reviewed in June. Author Gregory Kemp is kicking off a two-week blog tour today, and his first stop is Blogging 'Bout Boys.

Where did you get the idea for The Legend of Vinny Whiskers?

GK: That’s a popular question people ask me, but I find it difficult to pin down. It probably came from a few different directions. I tend to give animals, like our dog, a voice. It’s not quite what you’d expect. Our dainty little Italian greyhound talks tough. She’s also interested in science and a fan of William Shatner. My wife thinks it’s pretty funny. I’ve given voices and personalities to the squirrels in the yard, animals in the zoo. So when I was entertaining the idea of writing a novel, an animal story seemed natural.

The other consideration was picking the right animal. In stories, I’ve always preferred underdog heroes over superstars. Secret agents, kid geniuses, knights—while they can be fun, they lack the depth and complexity that exists in the real world. Real people are fallible, yet real people can be heroes. A prairie dog hero offered a lot here. Turning a burrowing animal at the bottom of the food chain into a bona fide legend got me excited. Boomer Lookout, the protagonist of my novel, is not especially good at anything. And he’s got a lot of issues. To me, he’s the ultimate underdog. Plus he lives in the dirt which is funny.

Why do you think this book will appeal to boys?

GK: I don’t have to guess here. I’ve already heard from boys who identify with the main character, Boomer Lookout. Boomer is just a regular kid prairie dog trying to find his way. He doesn’t have any magic powers or special skills, yet over the course of the novel, Boomer finds ways to succeed. I’m very proud of this because I think it holds true to life. You don’t have to do spectacular things to succeed. I think if you give life an honest effort, everyone can find success.

I like the fact that you use big words, like conspicuously and ingenuity. Was that an intentional decision?

GK: Not at all. I originally wrote the book without thinking about the audience. I’ve since been told that books should always been written for a target audience, but I was just trying to write a fun book that might make you think when it’s all over. Hopefully the vocabulary is suitable for the audience. If kids find a tough word here or there, I’d just offer them this advice: don’t let it get in the way of enjoying the story. There are about 65,000 words in Vinny and if you don’t know a few that’s not bad at all! If you learn one or two, all the better.

What kinds of books did you like to read as a boy? How did your likes (and dislikes) then influence Vinny Whiskers?

GK: My favorite books growing up were Choose Your Own Adventures. You know the type, right? “You are stranded on a deserted island. Ahead on the beach you see a wooden chest. In the distance you hear the beating of drums. If you want to investigate the chest, turn to page 10, if you want find the source of the drums, turn to page….” These were fun for me. The plot took all sorts of sudden turns.

I also grew up reading Piers Anthony, the fantasy writer. The Xanth series was a favorite. His creativity is off the chart and I want my writing to be original and fresh.

What advice would you have for young boys who are interested in writing and storytelling?

GK: The boiler plate answer for this would be read, read, read. Okay, I can’t argue with that in principle because you can learn a lot by reading other people’s work. But I would qualify the advice by saying, “Read and think.”

Getting lost in a good book won’t help your writing. You need to stop and ask yourself what is good about the book? What makes you want to turn the page? A good story will have a clear answer for this.

At the same time, you’ve got to practice your writing. Start with a one page story, something like, young Jimmy wants to know what’s inside all the delivery boxes at his neighbor’s house. Put an obstacle in Jimmy’s way like the neighbors are out of town and he can’t ask them or they have a really big dog that Jimmy fears.

Lastly, deliver on the story. Jimmy sneaks over and peeks in a window. What does he find? Why all the boxes? Perhaps there are copies of The Legend of Vinny Whiskers in the boxes and Jimmy’s neighbor is my biggest fan. That’s a very good story if you ask me! When you think you’ve got the story right, go back and make it better. I wrote at least five major drafts of The Legend of Vinny Whiskers. I don’t claim it’s perfect, but it’s a lot better than where I started. And by golly, pay attention in English class!

Mr. Personality

My eleven-year-old son came down from his bath last night and announced that he wanted to take a personality test.

He'd just finished reading Trouble Don't Last, an award-winning book about a young slave escaping to freedom on the Underground Railroad. The book, he said, got him thinking about the question, "Who am I?"

We headed to the computer (never mind that it was past 10 pm), where I typed in "myers briggs online personality test." I'd done a Myers-Brigss test years ago (I'm an INFJ, BTW) and was amazed by how well it captured my personality. I wasn't sure how well an online test would work, or if the test would be accurate with an eleven-year-old boy, but I figured what the heck?

Boy #1 was fascinated. He eagerly answered the questions, pausing occasionally to ask for my input. Seventy-two questions later, we pressed "Score It" -- and learned that Boy #1 is an ENFP.

The descriptions were dead on. An ENFP is an extremly outgoing, interesting, vivacious person. ENFPs feel things deeply and have a knack for sensing the emotional temperature in any room. (I've said this about Boy #1 forever!) They're big picture learners and often ponder the deep questions of life. Among other things, they often make excellent salespeople, politicians and actors.

Well.

If I was stunned at how accurately the test nailed his personality, Boy #1 was downright giddy. For the first time in his life, he saw in black-and-white that he is not some kook, some strange kid who's just messed up and confused. He saw that all these things he thinks are "wrong" or "different" about him are simply personality traits -- personality traits that add up to a pretty great person.

He saw his intensity not as a liability, but as part of who he is. He saw his tendency to dream about the future as fully typical of his personality, not as an abnormality.

His personality type is rare; only about 2-3 % of the population are ENFP. Even that made him feel better. No wonder he doesn't know many kids "like him!"

It was a beautiful, wonderful evening. My son learned more about himself, my gut feelings about my son were confirmed and we learned more about how and why different people get along (or not).

I never would have thought of administering a personality test to my eleven-year-old, but I'm so glad I did. Why don't you try it with your own boys? Let me know what you find out!

Book Review: 100 Things Guys Need to Know

To state the obvious: I'm a gal. And always will be. So while I'll do my best to prepare my sons for the world, there are some things I just don't know.

That's why I was thrilled to find 100 Things Guys Need to Know, a thin, accessible book aimed at tween and teen boys. Covering topics such as You, Body and Mind, Family, School, Relationships and Future, this seemingly simple book by Bill Zimmerman touches on a little bit of everything.

The best part about the book is that it's based on the input of over 500 boys. Over 500 boys answered the author's Guy Survey, and their responses and concerns form the backbone of the book. Short, snappy sections and Guy Comix hold boys' attention and a recurring section called Check These Out suggests additional sources for more in depth study.

Here's an excerpt from the Intro:

"Outside of school, there are a lot of messages about what it means to be a guy. Movies, TV, music, magazines, and other media often hype guys who are buff, tough, and always in control. Sometimes the message is that guys should keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves -- that 'real guys' don't cry, show emotion, or ask for help -- even when they're struggling.

Some guys feel like they have to live up to these images. But you don't have to."

Of course, just because I loved the book doesn't mean your son will. So I asked my eleven-year-old son -- who promptly whisked the book away from me when it arrived and has since read it three times -- what he thought.

How would you describe this book to another boy?

(shrugging) It’s about 100 Things a Guy Need to Know.

What did you think of the format of the book?

It was good. I liked the Take Action, Check These Out, Guy Comix and surveys.

Which section did you find the most helpful?

Everything could have been helpful, but nothing’s covered enough to give you anything. The book covers a broad variety of important things, but it covers them for about one paragraph and then goes to something else.

Least helpful?

The Social Scene part of the relationship section, because I’ve sort of been in some of the situations, and it just doesn’t work like that. There’s not always someone in the group that’s nice. Cliques, you can’t do a thing against. If they don’t want you in, you’re not going to get in. If someone’s bullying you, no matter who you tell or how many times you tell, it’s only going to get worse, the more times you tell.

Any questions you wish were addressed?

I was kind of hoping the whole social scene and relationships would be covered more. I wanted more stuff that you can actually do to solve your problems.

Would you recommend this book to other boys? Why or why not?

I would, but just so they could read the Check These Out, for other books to check out.

Independence Day Edition

Want this 4th of July to be about more than food and fireworks? Revisit the very origins of our country with a couple of these books, chosen just for boys. Nothing dry or boring here; just book after book about boys in the midst of history.

1. The Minute Boys of Bunker Hill by J.W. Kennedy. A fictional book by the original author of the Hardy Boys. If your boys like it, be sure to read The Minute Boys of Lexington as well.
2. George the Drummer Boy by Nathaniel Benchley. An I-Can-Read book, this book tells the story of a youth serving the British army. Sam the Minuteman is its companion book, is about the experiences of an American patriot.
3. A Young Patriot: The American Revolution as Experience by One Boy by Jim Murphy. This one is true! Joseph Plumb Martin was a 15-year-old farm boy who enlisted in the Continental Army in 1776.
4. Paul Revere: Boston Patriot by Augusta Stevenson. Part of the Childhood of Famous Americans series, this book is a fictionalized look at Paul Revere's youth.

Feeling inspired? Play some simple colonial games. Or get your hands on a copy of Great Colonial America Projects You Can Build Yourself. You just might find your Independence Day celebration extending long beyond the 4th.

Gun Safety, Not Gun Control

I know -- I sound like a representative of the NRA.

In reality, nothing could be further from the truth; I actually think some gun control is a good thing. But we're not talking politics here; we're talking boys. And when it comes to gun play, I think our best bet is to seize the teachable moment.

Without being all preachy -- because, as William Pollack, PhD, author of Real Boys says, "the last thing you want to do is shame your child" -- explain what guns are. Explain what they are for --and what they are not.

And then, whether you want to or not, discuss gun safety. My biggest fear, when I see my 3-year-old pick up a plastic gun and "shoot" his brothers, is that he would do the same exact thing if he found a real gun. Sadly enough, it's a distinct possibility.

A 2001 study published in Pediatrics was called, "Seeing is Believing: What Do Boys Do When They Find a Real Gun?" The investigators paired up boys, ages eight to twelve, and placed them in a room with two water pistols and an actual .380 caliber handgun. The weapons were all concealed in separate drawers. Using a one-way mirror, the investigators had a first-hand glimpse of how boys would behave when they found a real gun. (It's worth noting here that EXTENSIVE safety controls were in place.)

Sixteen of twenty-one groups of boys who found the real gun handled it. In ten of the groups, one or more of the boys pulled the trigger.

It's a sobering study, one that clearly points the need to responsible gun ownership. If you have a gun, make sure it is properly locked up at all times; if having boys has taught me anything, it's that they can find anything they're not supposed to find. (And nothing they're supposed to. Are shoes really THAT hard to find?)

Ask about guns and gun security as well. If your son is going to be playing at a friend's house, you need to know whether or not there are guns in the home -- and I'm not talking plastic guns; I'm talking real guns that can really hurt. If the friends are gun owners (and you'd be surprised how many people are), ask about how the guns are secured. If you're not happy with the answer -- or just don't feel good about your son playing in a home where there are guns -- invite the friend over to your house instead.

Most importantly, review over and over and over again what to do if your son finds a gun. Ask him what he'd do if he found a gun other than the colorful plastic ones he sees laying around the neighborhood. If the answer is, "give it to an adult," -- WRONG! Stress that he should never -- ever -- touch an unknown gun. Tell him that he should immediately call an adult and let the adult handle the situation.

Each year, over 1000 children are killed by guns. Don't let your son be one of them.

Hug Your Boys

Boys need two things that we tend to forget about when we focus only on their physical abilities and their higher activity levels: They need more touch and more conversation.

-- Michael Thompson, PhD, author of Raising Cain

How often do you hug your sons? As often as you hug your daughters?

An interesting study from Northern Ireland found that young children (under three) are hugged more often than older children. Older boys are the least likely to be hugged; 17% of the parents of boys ages 12-15 admitted they never hugged or cuddled those boys. Dads, by a 2 to 1 margin, were far more likely to hug or cuddle their 12-15 year-old daughters than sons.

Which is sad, especially when you consider this: Oxytocin, a hormone that enhances bonding, is released in the first 20 seconds of a hug -- for females. Boys need to be touched two to three times as much as girls to attain the same level of oxytocin.

Young boys, Thompson says, will ask for a hug when they need it. (Which is why I've been getting such wonderful, wonderful hugs from Boy #4 lately.) But older boys look to their parents for cues. If his parents seem at all uncomfortable about hugging and physical closeness, the growing boy soon stops asking and gets his physical contact through aggression instead.

I know I have to remind myself to hug my older boys, much more than with the younger ones, who squeeze love into me every chance they get. But it's so incredbily satisfying. Hugging my 11-year-old these days means feeling a chin on par with my shoulder. Hugging my 8-year-old brings out his dimples; he almost never asks for a hug anymore, but those dimples show me how much he still enjoys my touch. My 6-year-old likes to cuddle with me as he falls asleep, and my three-year-old -- well, his hugs are the light of my day.

So hug your sons, big or small. They may be old enough to wrap you in their arms, but that's OK. They still need your touch.

Brothers and Boys

Does having brothers prepare you for having boys?

Most of our readers (44%) said yes. Of course, 22% said no and another 22% said they don't have brothers, so it's not exactly an overwhelming conclusion.

I grew up with 4 brothers (and 1 sister). So on the one hand, boys come naturally to me. I grew up surrounded by boys, belching and the occasional brouhaha. If I'd grown up with an army of sisters, perhaps this boy-saturated household of mine would feel completely foreign.

And yet...I was one of those who answered, "I'm not sure." The one way I'm absolutely, positively certain having brothers prepared me for having sons is that my Mom has long recognized boys' need for movement. I can't tell you how many times I heard her tell my brothers, "Just go outside and run around the house!" And you know what? I use that one too.

Beyond that, though, I'm not sure. We grew up in a pretty restrictive household, so my brothers weren't into a lot of typically boy stuff. No guns or gun play allowed. No tree climbing. And extremely limited access to the creek just behind our house.

In many ways, I think my brothers are more beneficial to me NOW. Now that I have 4 boys, my brothers are an invaluable resource. My 4 brothers, all very different people, provide my sons glimpses into various forms of manhood. My 4 brothers, each with different talents and skills and interests, can relate to and teach my boys in a way I never could. And my 4 brothers inevitably end up on the floor wrestling my boys.

I long ago recognized the value in play fighting. For my boys, it's a chance to test their strength against an adult male they know and love. For my brothers, it's a valuable way to connect with their nephews (and a chance for them to reassure themselves that they are still top of the pack!). For me, it's a welcome break. :)

My brothers are also an essential part of my sons' "third family," a term coined by Micheal Gurian that refers to boys' need to be surrounded by a community of caring adults. As important as Mom and Dad are, boys need more than that. As Gurian writes in The Purpose of Boys, "Boys are such exploeres and so filled with energy and imagination...that they need both close-up contact with their nuclear family parents and wide-lens intimacy and experiences guided by a set of other 'family members' who provide significant help."

Does having brothers help me raise sons? You betcha.

What's your experience? How has having brothers (or not) prepared you (or not) for raising boys?

And the Winner Is....

mom2anutball! Check out her blog, Noodles and Nuggets, here.

Mom2anutball wins a hardcover copy of Michale Gurian's latest book, The Purpose of Boys. Stay tuned for my review, to be posted later this week. (Yes, I know I said that once before, but what can I say? I was in NYC, people!)

Thanks to all who entered. I hope you enjoyed visiting my blog, and I hope you'll return again soon.

Becoming a Man

I saw Mary Poppins in a whole new light last night.

If you ask me, Mary Poppins is the most relevant musical playing Broadway. Consider this: Mr. Banks, the father in the story and a banker by trade, denies a loan applicant who tells him that his final product is "money," instead choosing to fund a man with plans to build a factory and provide employment. When the first applicant takes his business elsewhere -- and makes the competing bank a load of money -- Mr. Banks is devastated.

But when the applicant's scheme falls apart, the other bank loses everything. Turns out, you DO need an end product other than "money."

But politics and economics aside, I was intrigued by the story, because as much as we think we know the story of Mary Poppins, in many ways, it's the story of a man becoming a man.

I never paid much attention to George Banks before, the father of the children who reside at 17 Cherry Tree Lane. He's a mean, out-of-touch parent who can't be bothered by small children. His job, as he sees it, is to provide for them and their job is to leave him alone.

But last night I learned that Mr. Banks lacked nurturing as a child. He was raised by a cold, strict nanny who discouraged his love of astronomy, an interest he eventually tossed aside as useless and childish.

Of course, as Mary Poppins works her magic, Mr. Banks learns that people come before money. He learns how to give his children the affection they crave. And he rediscovers his love of astronomy.

Funny -- Banks' journey to full manhood looks a lot like the journey outlined by author Michael Gurian in The Purpose of Boys.

Boys, Gurian says, go through seven developmental stages on their way to becoming healthy men. One of those stages, Stage Five, is the Discovery of Personal Power. Occurring in adolescence, it's a time when your son taps into himself and find his true loves and talents.

George Banks missed this stage. His true love and talent -- astronomy -- was dismissed as a waste of time. He began to go astray.

Gurian writes:

"Our sons cannot fully develop their own sense of purpose if we don't help them find the masters and mentors of late adolescence who will encourage their newfound and honed power and guide their "magic," their "gifts," their "temperaments" toward service and work in society."

For many years, George Banks was lost, and his family paid the price. Only at the end of the show, after George rediscovers his lost interest does he finally progress to Stage Seven: Devotion to Family and Community.

I don't know about you, but I never thought much about helping my sons become strong men. I'm so caught up on the minutiae of the day ("Sit down!" "Stop harrassing your brother!" "No, you CAN'T stand on the piano!") that I sometimes forget the bigger picture.

But Gurian -- and George Banks -- have showed me that helping your son to manhood is no small task. It might be, in fact, the most important thing you'll ever do.

Video Game Addiction?

By now you've probably heard the news: A new study says that 1 in 10 kids who play video games show behavioral signs of addiction. And boys, the study says, are more likely to show addictive symptoms than girls.

Getting lost in the hype is the fact that the study was conducted by the National Institute for Media and Family, a group which tends to have a somewhat negative view of video game and media usage. From their website:

"Our children are in trouble. Kids from preschool through high school are laying building blocks for success in school and life. They include self-discipline, the ability to delay gratification, perseverance, imagination, and respect. Study after study shows that poor media habits undermine every single one of these building blocks. Instead of being given the tools and experiences they need to succeed, more and more kids are shaped by a media culture that promotes more, easy, fast, fun, violence and disrespect."

Not exactly objective researchers, if you ask me.

I'm also troubled by the questions they asked children, questions such as:

• "Have you played video games as a way of escaping from problems or bad feelings?"
• "Do you sometimes skip household chores in order to spend more time playing video games?"
• "Do you sometimes skip doing homework in order to spend more time playing video games?"
• "Have you been spending much more thinking thinking about playing video games, learning about video game playing or planning the next opportunity for play?"

For the record, boys were more likely than girls to answer "yes" to these questions. In fact, 11.9% of the boys and only 2.9% of the girls answered yes to six or more of the questions asked (enough so to be classified as exhibiting "pathological video game use.").

But....What if this is just because video games still tend to skew to the male demographic? Maybe there simply aren't enough games to attract and hold young girls' attention?

And what if part of the reason boys are attracted to video games is because the rest of their environment doesn't respect their "boyness?" Our boys are growing up in a society that tells them to sit down, shut up and learn from books. BOYS ARE NOT DESIGNED THAT WAY! Boys are designed for activity and purpose, and maybe -- just maybe -- they're finding a way to feel like men in video games.

I've been reading The Purpose of Boys, and one of the things Gurian talks about is boys' need to be the hero, to serve a purpose. Are we giving our boys that chance in the world? Or are they finding it in video games? Not many of our boys today need to save their family from intruders or wild beasts; video games, though, give them that opportunity.

Is it so surprising that large numbers of boys choose video games over chores and schoolwork? And maybe even some of the more pathologically-appearing behavior can be reasonable explained: if parents put strict restrictions on a boy's video game usage, isn't he more likely to lie? To obsess about when he'll get to play next? Even to steal?

Is that, then, addiction?

As far as I'm concerned, the most important sentence in the study is this:

"The primary limitation of this study is its correlational nature. It does not provide evidence for the possible causal relations among the variables studied. It is certainly possible that pathological gaming causes poor school performance, and so forth, but it is equally likely that children who have trouble at school seek to play games to experience feelings of mastery, or that attention problems cause both poor school performance and an attraction to games. "

Tell me your opinion. What do you think of this study and the attendant media hype?

Official Contest Announcement!

Here's your chance to win a copy of Michael Gurian's new book, The Purpose of Boys. I announced the contest yesterday, at the bottom of my post, but in case you missed it, here are the details:

1) The contest will run through midnight next Sat. April 25.

2) To enter, leave a comment. One comment = one entry. If you comment on more than one post, you can earn additional entries. (So if you commented yesterday, that's one entry. A comment today is another, one next Tuesday is another, etc.)

3) If you'd like an additional entry, mention this contest on your blog, include a link back here, and send me a note so I can visit your blog. I love getting to know other bloggers!

4) Contest is open to residents of the United States and Canada.

5) I'll draw the winning entry on Sun. April 26 and announce the winner here on Mon. April 27.

Any questions? Drop me a line!

Queers and Fags

The title got your attention, right? According to an essay published in today's New York Times, "queer" and "fag" are some of the most harmful epithets boys hurl at one another.

In the words one of teenage boy: “To call someone gay or fag is like the lowest thing you can call someone. Because that’s like saying that you’re nothing.”

The implicit homophobia is one thing. (If hearing those words make a straight boy feel like "nothing," imagine how you'd feel if you were a gay teenager hearing those words.) But this issue is bigger than homophobia; this name-calling touches on the very definition of masculinity.

Despite all our so-called advances in recent years, boys and men are still expected to conform to the Boy Code. Doing well in school and showing emotions are STILL considered female traits, and if a boy should exhibit either (or both) of these characteristics, he's ridiculed by other boys.

The essay asks, "It’s weird, isn’t it, that in an age in which the definition of acceptable girlhood has expanded, so that desirable femininity now encompasses school success and athleticism, the bounds of boyhood have remained so tightly constrained? "

Some commentators have speculated that this narrow, decades-old definition of masulinity is a reaction to our current world. The idea is that men and boys, denied their usual roles of protector and provider, are reverting to almost stereotypical behavior. (A recent Newsweek article about out-of-work men touched on this phenonmenon.)

The NYT essay quotes C.J. Pascoe, author of “Dude, You’re a Fag: Masculinity and Sexuality in High School.” Her comments are most interesting:

“These kids experience a loss of masculine privilege on a day-to-day level. While they didn’t necessarily ever experience the concrete privilege their fathers and grandfathers experienced, they have the sense that to be a man means something and is incredibly important. These boys don’t know how to be that something. Their pathway to masculinity is unclear. To not be a man is to not be fully human and that’s terrifying.”

That's exactly what Michael Gurian, author of the just-published book, The Purpose of Boys, is saying: With the old-guard gone, too many of our boys have no idea what it means to be man.

Enter now to win a copy of The Purpose of Boys! Here's how: Leave a comment. That's it. One comment = one entry. If you'd like another chance, mention the contest of your blog, include a link back here and I'll pop your name in the hat one more time. The winner will be drawn on Sun. April 26.

Contest open to all residents of the United States and Canada. Also, I'm the featured blogger at Family Life today. Check it out!

The Purpose of Boys

I got a new book today: The Purpose of Boys, by boy-guru Michael Gurian. (Gurian is also the author of The Minds of Boys and The Wonder of Boys.)

I haven't gotten to read much of it yet, but the subtitle -- Helping Our Sons Find Meaning, Significance and Direction in Their Lives -- tells me that this is an important book.

How many men do you know who struggle to find their way and place in the world? Now imagine how our boys feel, looking desperately around them for guidance but seeing a society with very few clearly definited roles and expectations for men and boys.

Too many of our boys don't know where they fit in anymore, and that's our fault.

The bit of the book I've scanned had some interesting questions for discussion, so I asked my sons:

• What are your favorite books, comics and games?
• What things do you think you're best at?
• What activities make you the most happy?
• How do you want to help people?
• Whom do you like playing with most these days? Why?
• What do you want to be when you grow up?

The boys loved it! I learned some interesting things (for instance, that physical activities rank high on their things-that-make-me-happy list) but the best part was the looks on their faces. They were simply radiant as they pondered their future and their role in the world.

Try it -- ask your sons some of these questions, and let me know what you've learned.

Stay tuned for more about The Purpose of Boys. I'll be posting a full review late next week and will soon announce a Purpose of Boys contest.