Are Single Parents Bad for Boys?

Are my boys doomed to failure because their father and I divorced?

Some, apparently, would say yes.

An article in today's New York Times declares, "Study of Men's Falling Income Cites Single Parents" and essentially blames men's economic woes on the fact that just "63 percent of children lived in a household with two parents in 2010."

The article offensively continues:

The single parents raising the rest of those children are predominantly female. And there is growing evidence that sons raised by single mothers “appear to fare particularly poorly”

Never mind the fact that families aren't necessarily either "household with two parents" or "single female-headed." Many, many children, including my own, straddle the messy in-between place. My kids don't live in a household with two parents, but they sure as hell have two parents who love them and spend time with them. 

Never mind the fact that studies such as this seem more than willing to heap the blame on single moms who, more likely than not, are probably struggling with a whole host of challenges, including poverty and lack of social support, which could also contribute to any perceived or recorded differences in their kids' educational and vocational achievement. 

Now, the actual study on which the article is based -- Wayward Sons: The Emerging Gender Gap in Labor Markets & Education -- is actually a very thoughtful look at the challenges that boys face today. The study highlights the growing disparities between boys and girls and men and women, as well as the fact that marriage no longer confers the same kind of economic benefit for women that it once did. While women once married for economic security, many of today's educated, accomplished women see no need to latch onto a man, especially when so many men are struggling in the job market. The study even mentions the fact that high male incarceration rates due to tough drug policies have drastically reduced the number of eligible men in many neighborhoods.

It postulates that a lack of a consistent, positive male presence may harm and hinder boys' development -- and I agree.

But out of all the thoughtful things in the report, why oh why does the media have to seize on the single parent link? 

Because it's easier than explaining all of the complexities that affect boys and women and families? 

Probably. But we do a disservice to one another when we focus on only part of the problem. If our boys are ever again to have truly equal opportunity in this country, we need to acknowledge (and address) all of the factors that are stacked against them:

• Lack of positive male role models
• An educational system that stresses sit-down-and-be-quiet over movement and exploration
• Lack of time and space for free play
• Social bias against traditionally "boy" endeavors, such as pretend weapons play
• Lack of family-supporting jobs

ALL of those factors, together, conspire to hold our boys back. Alone, none of them has the power to keep our boys from achieving great things. That's why boys of single moms (and dads) can and do excel: the marital status of your parent really doesn't matter all that much if you have a community of support around you. But when that community conspires against you -- when boys are suspended for drawing pictures of guns, when boys go days without experiencing a single positive interaction with an adult male, when boys are forced to stay inside just so they can stay safe -- the odds of success are no longer on your side.

So let's stop focusing on the "single" part of the equation, and open our eyes to the myriad ways we can help the boys around us. Let's work together for the good of all our sons.

Doing the Best We Can

I've been thinking a lot lately about how other moms treat one another. Blogging 'Bout Boys reader Elise made a very insightful comment to my post Mommy Wars? What Mommy Wars?:

 I think one of the problems in this parenting world comes about when a parent states one of their philosophies but then says "I'm not judging anyone else, this is just the way I do it." In the end, other people still feel judged. My kids are now 15, 18 and 19 but I will give an example of something I did when they were younger to show that I was just as guilty of this as anyone else. I did not spank my kids and I would willingly tell anyone about my philosophies if we happened to get into a conversation about it. I would never be the first to bring it up and I would always make sure that I told them that I thought it was okay for other parents to spank but I just chose not to spank. Looking back I realize now that even though I always said that, I am sure the other parents still felt judged. Even if I said that I wasn't judging them, I probably came off as sounding like I felt superior.

She's right, I think, and I'm as guilty as anyone else. Because you know what? The truth be told, sometimes I did feel superior. Like many of you, I've done a lot of reading and writing and reflecting about parenting. I've read the works of the experts; heck, I've even interviewed some of the experts! Plus I get compliments all the time about how intelligent and polite and pleasant my children are, so I must be doing something right -- right?

Secretly, I have believed that I know the "best" way. In general, I believe that natural childbirth is better for moms and babies, that breastfeeding is better than bottle feeding and that it's important for kids to have a secure attachment to home and family before they venture out into the world. In general, I believe that homeschooling is a wonderful educational option, that children's opinions matter and that kids need lots of time and freedom to play.

But in the last few years, I've come to recognize that most of us are doing the best we can with the circumstances at hand. My divorce taught me that, in a very painful and real way. You see, I still believe that homeschooling is the best educational option for my boys. But my ex doesn't agree, so for awhile, our homeschooled kids took two classes a piece at a local public school. Then the stresses of single parenthood set in. Trying to homeschool while earning enough money to support a family of five is hard, and I realized that I was shortchanging both homeschooling and my job (not to mention myself). I was constantly trying to be in two places at once: if I was upstairs with the kids, I was watching the clock to see when I'd next need to bound downstairs to do an interview. When I was in my office, I'd feel guilty that I wasn't more present for my kids. Homeschooling, the way I liked to do it, requires a fair amount of relaxed and unstructured time, and that simply didn't exist anymore, at least not in great measure.

So I made the difficult decision to send three kids to school full-time this year. That decision has allowed me to concentrate on my work during the day, and to be fully present for my kids in the afternoons and evenings. And things are working out just fine. My kids are thriving, and so is my career.

Through tough experience, I've learned that our circumstances affect our parenting decisions, and that what we say (and how we say it) affects other people. Elise's comment came to mind when I read this comment from Cassandra, written in response to my Helping Boys in a Sex-Soaked Society post:

We don't allow our kids to watch TV or surf the web alone. We homeschool. I have a seven-year-old son and there is no way he has any idea what the word sexy even is. I'm curious about how much media your kids are exposed to? Although the media does show us a very skewed and almost gross portrayal of 'the perfect woman' or what sex is all about.. it's our responsibility to protect our kids from these images and messages, isn't it?

She's not directly judging me, or calling me a bad parent, but it feels that way. Her well-meaning comments seem to imply that if I cared enough, I would make sure that my 6-year-old had no exposure to anything that would remotely smack of "sexy."


But, I want to say, but...

• He's the youngest of four boys. It's a lot easier to keep the channel tuned to PBS when your oldest child is 7. It's a lot harder when your oldest is 14.
• Even if I instituted a media-blackout, he'd watch at his dad's. Turning off the TV is a great idea, in theory, but what if both parents aren't on board?
• I homeschool! Or at least I did, as long as I could. And besides, aren't there many different philosophies of homeschooling?

What I want to say is, I'm doing the best I can!  

I think Casandra could understand that, if we sat down together.  If she knew me and the circumstances of my life, I think she'd understand that I am doing the very best I can with the cards I've been given. 

You are too. And so are the moms and dads around you. Each of brings our past and present to our parenting decisions, and each of us must adapt our parenting style on a daily basis. Every day, we make decisions based on our values and circumstances and yes, on whether or not we've had our caffeine for the day. Sometimes we make good calls; sometimes, we flounder. That's OK. That's part of parenting. The biggest parenting secret of all is that there is no best way; there's only what works for you and your family, in a given moment.

 

Boys, Education and Single Parenthood

Talk about an article designed to attract my attention.

An article published yesterday in The Guardian, a British newspaper, carries this provocative headline and subtitle: "Girls 'more resilent' than boys at school: Girls from single-parent families outperform boys in class because they are less affected by parental input, study shows."

As a divorced parent of four boys, I found the article a somewhat depressing retread of a oft-expressed theory: Boys don't do well in single parent homes.

The article states that the so-called "gender gap" in education -- the tendency for boys to underperform in school, as compared to girls -- may be because boys from single parent homes are more likely to have behavioral and emotional problems that carry over into the school setting, while girls don't seem disturbed by the lack of a two-parent household.

According to the article, "Boys raised outside a traditional two-parent family were more likely to display behavioural and self-control problems in class and were suspended more often...By the time the children were 10 or 11 the "gender gap" between boys and girls displaying behaviour problems in school was twice as big for those brought up by single mothers as those from traditional families."

When the boys' dad and I first separated, I quite naturally fretted about the impact of our separation on the boys. (I still do!) Like all modern, 21st century parents, I turned to Google for answers. What I found did not reassure me. Google told me that boys are more likely than girls to become depressed and angry after their parents' divorce. That they're more likely to have academic and behavioral problems, more likely to assume blame and increasingly likely to become distanced from their mother.

Now another study tells me that boys in single parents families are all-but-destined for academic failure??

Well, I refuse to believe it. I refuse to believe that our divorce will doom our boys to a less-than life. I know that our divorce affected them -- and affected them greatly -- but I will not let the divorce be an excuse for academic failure, behavorial problems or relationship issues. I fully, completely, 100% believe that children of divorced and single parents can grow up to become functioning, well-adjusted human beings. And while my ex and I are not perfect, I believe that we're doing some things to mitigate the effect of our divorce.

One: We are both still actively involved in our boys' lives. The Guardian newspaper article doesn't mention if the boys in the study had involved dads; it merely says "single parent families." As you and I both know, single parent families are frequently headed by women. Moms can raise some fabulous sons, but I think it behooves the moms, dads, sons and society to have some continued strong male involvement in boys' lives. Was the problem really that the boys were raised in single parent families, or that they had no strong male role models?

Two: When we see a behavioral problem, we address it. Please don't take this to mean that the boys' dad and I are model co-parents. We're not. Most of the time, we barely talk, and our values and beliefs regarding parenting differ. But...we both want our boys to be functioning members of society. We both want our boys to function well in and out of the classroom. And you can bet that if either one of us hears that our sons are acting up in (or outside of school), we will address the issue. Our boys have had counseling; that remains an option, should it be needed again in the future. I also work with the boys daily on basic problem solving, anger management and interpersonal relations.

Three: We support the boys' interests and educational pursuits. My house is filled with books. The boys' dad loves to watch educational documentary style shows (think "Ice Road Truckers" and "American Pickers") with the boys. We also make it a point to weave the boys' natural interests into our days and the boys' education. Boy #1 is an avid fisherman; I showed him how to use the library website to access every fishing book within our interlibrary loan system, and his dad helped him get and outfit a simple boat and takes him fishing. #2 loves sports: He plays football, basketball and baseball, and has lots of fiction and non-fiction books about sports. #3 is gettting into robotics, electronics and RC cars. Guess what he got for Christmas? I gotta think that all of that educational support will make a difference for the boys in the long run.

What do you think? Do you think that life in a single parent household dooms boys to a life of educational failure? Or do you think that parenting is more important than household or family structure?

Changes

Tomorrow, we begin a new phase of our educational journey.

For the past six years, my boys have been homeschooled. We pulled Boy #1 out of school halfway through first grade; he's now in 7th. Boys #2 and #3 have never been to school, except for preschool. They are now ages 10 and 7. #4 has never been part of a structured educational environment (unless you count storytime at the local library).

Tomorrow, though, the older boys will begin taking classes at our local public school. As per our divorce decree and a tiny little part of Wisconsin state law, Boys #1-3 will be taking one to two courses each. #1, my history buff and avid reader, will be focusing on Language Arts and Social Studies. #2 will join a 4th grade class for reading, writing -- and gym twice a week. #3 will also focus on reading and writing. He'll also get to stay for snack and recess. #4 will probably start 4-year-old preschool in a few weeks.

It's a big change, to be sure. But you want to know what my boys were worried about today? Whether or not it's OK to fart in the classroom. That's right: on the eve of their re-entry into the world of formal education, the top question on their minds was, "Do you get a detention if you fart really loud in class?"

I didn't have an answer to that one. (And I swear, I scanned the Behavorial Expectations book!) The question, though, reminded me that boys will be boys, whether they're at home or at school. You can take the boy out of the home, but you absolutely cannot take the boy out of the boy.

Thankful

The turkey is in the brine, the pies are on the front porch and my sister, thankfully, is bringing the potatoes. My home is not clean; it's presentable. The boys helped me vacuum and dust (the downstairs) and the toys -- well, the toys remain scattered at best.

But tonight, I am giving thanks. Tonight, I received an email from a former writing student who shared an essay she'd recently written. I won't divulge the contents of the essay, because she's currently in the process of submitting it for publication. I will tell you this, though: her essay told the story of help from unlikely places, of how we are never alone as we think.

Her theme resonated with me. My family has been challenged like never before over the last two years, but we have never been alone. Every step along the way, we have been held up and supported by the love of friends and family. Friends, family and even strangers have provided words of comfort and hope; financial, physical and technical support, work referrals, companionship and more.

My 74-year-old father split wood in the heat of summer so that the boys and I would have cheap heat this winter. Tonight, my home is heated not by wood, but by my father's love.

Numerous writing students, including the essayist, have shared their hearts and hopes with me. While I was officially their teacher, I learned more from them then they may ever know. I learned the power of voice, of truth, of honesty. My students reminded me that writing is a way to infuse our lives with meaning, to find deeper meaning in the deitrus of our everyday lives.

The women in my life have proved to me, time and again, just how strong women are. From writer-mamas to the recently single, they have taught me the power of persistence.

And my boys -- my boys! -- continue to amaze and inspire me. Daily, they fight and struggle. Daily, they drive me crazy. But just as I'm about to give up hope, they do something incredibly kind, compassionate and thoughtful. The most recent example? My boys are chipping in to buy chickens for a family in a Third World country. Instead of buying presents for one another this holiday season, they've chosen to help a family less fortunate than ours.

Somehow, the message has sunk in. Somehow my boys have absorbed the lesson of these past few years. Somehow, they've realized that the world is a much better place when we help one another.

Tonight, I am thankful for all who have helped me.

Childhood Depression

Could your son be depressed?

My good friend and fellow blogger, Sarah E. Ludwig, has a terrific article about childhood depression in Parenting magazine. Among her points:

• Childhood depression is more common than you may think. 1 in 20 children and teens are clinically depressed.
• Depression is often masked by other issues. ADHD, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder may all occur in conjunction with depression.
• Irritability can be a major sign of depression in kids. Sure, we all expect some irritability from our children as they approach their teen years, but a kid who's constantly annoyed and irritated may actually be depressed.
• Early diagnosis and treatment is key. Prolonged untreated depression, Sarah writes, can actually change the shape of the brain.

If you think your son may be depressed, get him help NOW. (You can find a list of symptoms here.) Help doesn't necessarily mean anti-depressants, although anti-depressant have been used effectively in children. Help can include cognitive behavioral therapy, coping skills and emotional support.

Of course, not all depressed kids require years of psychotherapy or medication. Some kids experience transient situational depression, a natural response to a traumatic event. And some kids are only mildly depressed; with time and attention, their depression may resolve in weeks. Other children, however, struggle with a despair so dark and deep that it feels unending. A professional can help you determine the severity of your child's depression and plan appropriate treatment.

Have you dealt with childhood depression? I'd love to hear your story.

10 Blogs to Read Before I Sleep

Blogathoners all over the Internet are posting the top 5 (or 10) blogs they can't live without today. And while I can certainly live without blogs, there are certain blogs that keep me up way past my bedtime. Here's a sneak peek at what I'm reading when I should be sleeping:

Weird, Unsocialized Homeschoolers -- Kris is a phenomenal resource. If you want to know anything about homeschooling -- how to do it, what a typical day looks like, where to find curriculum, what math program would work best for your active learner - WUHS can help you out.

Boy Crazy -- The writing here is sublime. And since this blogger has three boys of her own, I can definitely relate to her world!

Outnumbered Mom -- Are you a "boy-mom?" This mom of four boys has written a book just for moms of all boys. Watch for it later this summer!

Living in Splitsville -- As a mom going through a divorce, I've found this blog (by a mom/writer who's a little further along in her divorce) to be oddly comforting.

BIKE with Jackie -- I met Jackie during the Blogathon last year, but continue to follow her blog because she inspires me to be a better person.

The Happiest Mom -- This blog's tagline says it all: Happy. Mother. You really can use both words in the same sentence.

Blog Salad -- Ron Doyle is hilarious. And smart. And sensitive. Plus, he gave me an award.

SingleParentSavings -- This is a new one for me (thanks, Blogathon 2010!), but I've quickly come to love it.

Project Happily Ever After -- A marriage blog might seem like a crazy choice for a divorcing woman, but Alisa's writing and advice is so straight-on and amusing that I inevitably spend way too much time on her blog.

Mothers for Women's Lib -- I'm passionate about parenting, pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding, and this blog has some of the most excellent, thought-provoking articles on the Web.

Turning Lemons to Lemonade

Talk about a nice start to the weekend. Blogging 'Bout Boys has been named a Lemonade Stand Award winner! According to Michelle and Karen at Layers of Learning, the Lemonade Stand Awards recognize blogs that demonstrate great attitudes or gratitude.


Now it's time for me to pass on the honor. Here are 10 blogs that I think deserve the Lemonade Stand Award:

1. Parenting by Trial and Error. Sarah Ludwig is a single mom of four kids, just like me. She's also a witty and personable writer who understands parenting from the trenches.
2. Living in Splitsville. Christina and her husband separated a little over a year ago. Her tagline -- Notes on a Midlife Makevoer -- says it all.
3. Journey to a Wondraful Baby. Disclaimer: My SIL runs this blog and the main topic is my adorable little niece. Underneath is all, though, is a story of gratitude as Heather blogs about finding their daughter through adoption.
4. Weird, Unsocialized Homeschoolers. My first, favorite homeschool blog. Here, you'll find real-life stories of homeschooling and thousands of fun tips.
5. Eclipsed. Yup, it's a two-for-one deal. Eclipsed is by the same woman who writes Weird, Unsocialized Homeschoolers, but it focuses on weight loss instead of homeschooling.
6. Boy Crazy. How could I not like this blog? The writing is divine.
7. Saying YES 2 Boys. Andrea is a mom after my own heart. Her boys run, jump and swing swords while she reflects, supports and joins in on the fun.
8. Alasandra's Homeschool Blog. If you're a homeschooler, Alasandra's blog is a must. She keeps you up-to-date on news and happenings in the world of homeschooling.
9. The Happiest Mom. Another parenting blog by another writer and mom of many. (Meagan has five children.) But her take on parenting -- Happy. Mother. You really can use both words in the same sentence. -- isn't one we hear often.
10. BIKE with Jackie. This blog is all about positive attitudes and gratitude. Jackie uses her BIKE technique to teach you how to overcome adversity.

What other blogs inspire you? I'd love to hear about your favorites!

Coping with Crisis

On the positive side, there are some girls who emerge out of the divorced, mother-headed households as exceptionally resilient young women. It seems that some young women thrive on the increased responsibilities and challenges that they face in these families, and they develop warm and deeply affectionate ties with their mothers. Similar findings do not occur for boys.
-- Robert Hughes Jr., PhD

Our family has been living apart for almost three months now. It's not easy -- Boy #4 continues to ask, several times a day, "When is Daddy going to live here again?" -- but we're surviving. Google, however, does not seem at all sure that we should thrive. Ever again.

A quick Google search of "boys" and "divorce" tells me that:

• Boys are more likely to react with anger, aggression and academic problems
• Boys are more likely to suffer depression when the father leaves home
• Boys may lose their connection with their mother as she takes on additional responsibility
• Boys may assume blame for the family break-up

Excuse me for not buying that bunch of baloney. My boys are hurting, to be sure. But more likely to react with anger, aggression and academic problems? That's boys in general. More likely to suffer depression? So are boys in general. As for losing connection and assuming blame -- doesn't that happen to all children of divorce?

Call me in denial, but I don't think that's impossible for boys to grow strong and healthy in the wake of a divorce. Challenging, yes. But if I've learned anything in my life, it's that people can overcome all kind of challenges.

So instead of subscribing to the gloom-and-doom, I'm going to teach my boys 9 Basic Rules to Make a Crisis Work for You, borrowed by Isolina Ricci's excellent book, Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child:

1. Don't Go Through a Crisis Alone

2. Learn What's Going On

3. Look for What Works and What Doesn't

4. Care for Your Inner Self and Spiritual Life

5. Take Care of Your Body and Find Safe Ways to Blow Off Steam

6. Keep a Positive but Realistic Perspective

7. Increase Your Skills

8. Watch You Language

9. Keep Your Sense of Humor

I'll be re-visiting these rules over the next few weeks, because I'm convinced that separation or no separation, these are important life skills for boys. Why don't you try putting them into practice in your own life as well? We'll compare notes soon!

Into the Woods

Boy #1 and I took a marvelous hike last night.

There's an old railroad track in town, used on occasion but infrequently at best. Boy #1 wondered aloud where it left town -- and I, who have lived in this town for 30 of my 37 years, had no idea.

We decided to follow the track.

At first, it meandered in the typical places, overgrown but still very visible. Then, we found the trestle.

It was an old, decaying train trestle, spanning the river. Despite some signs of wear, it still looked safe, so we ventured across. On the other side, we found a wonderland.

Just feet away from civilization, we were surrounded in a jungle. Shrubs and vines grew up between and around the railroad track; black raspberry bushes bore fruit where trains once barreled past. A faint path wandered through the overgrowth, suggesting some human (or animal?) presence, but we felt like explorers breaking ground, perhaps the only people alive in town who knew this railway still existed.

We followed the track almost out of town, eventually climbing out at the industrial park. (Some factory employees were very surprised to see us!) The wonders, though, didn't cease. At the end of our trail, we found a monarch caterpillar, which we brought home on two milkweed leaves and saw crayfish, frogs and a school of minnows swimming in a creak.

Our hike was a miraculous moment, a shared experience that we will both remember. And I couldn't help but notice the symbolism.

This weekend, we dropped a bombshell on our children. With the deceptively simple words, "Your mom and I are going to be living in separate houses," we shattered their worlds. That's why we went on the walk. Boy #1 had been withdrawn, depressed, and I knew he needed to talk.

We started on familiar ground, then headed into the woods. At first, we were somber and uncertain, with neither of us sure where we were going to go. We ended up in a place of amazement, feeling light, happy and closer to each other than before.

I'm hoping this experience will be a little bit the same. We are heading into the unknown, and the woods are all around us. But like Boy #1 said, as long as we stick to the track, we can't get lost. The surroundings may be unfamiliar, but if we stick to the track -- our love for each other; our determination to keep our kids' lives as unchanged as possible, despite this massive shock -- I think we'll be OK.

And I hope that someday, we'll look up in amazement and realize we're in a whole new, wonderful place, one we never even knew existed.