Friday, March 18, 2011

Should You Fight Back?

Bullying has been in the news a lot lately. Despite parents' and teachers' efforts to the contrary, bullying continues to exist, just as it has for, well, millenia. And while almost everyone now agrees that bullying needs to be stopped, I'm not sure sure we've figured out how to do that.

Sure, we tell our kids to treat others with respect. We tell them to intervene, to stand up beside the bullied in a show of solidarity. We tell them to report incidents of bullying to teachers, daycare providers and other authority figures. But is that enough?

Like it or not, our boys live in a culture that requires them to take a stand. According to the Boy Code, status and dominance are prominant, and every boy I know talks about the need to let other boys know that they won't take any guff from anyone. I see it in my house all the time. Even at home, in a family environment of love and acceptance, my 13-year-old feels the need to stand up to the torments of his younger brothers. Why? In the words of my 13- year-old: "because they need to learn they can't get way with treating me like that."

I see where he's coming from. But on a daily basis, I have a hard time reconciling boys' need to stand up for themselves with my desire to teach them peaceful, non-violent ways of conflict resolution. Yet at some level, I wonder if telling boys to speak up, walk away and tell an adult is enough for boys.

In Australia, a school boy was recently suspended after physically standing up to a bully. I know that fighting violence with violence is rarely the way to go. And the video is disturbing. But I'm willing to bet the younger bully leaves this kid alone from now on.

What do you think? Do you ever think it's appropriate (or necessary) for bullied boys to "fight back?" How can we help our boys end bullying while respecting their need to prove their dominance among other boys?

8 comments:

  1. I think there are times when a child needs to stand up for himself - times were walking away won't cut it anymore. I can only hope that by bringing up our children in a home full of love and respect (for others, but also for themselves), that they can develop the good judgment they need to determine when to walk away, and when to stand up for themselves (or for those too weak or scared to do it for themselves).

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  2. We've always told our son to resolve the situation if possible, walk away if he can, and defend himself if he's left with no other option. Generally he can walk away, but there have been a few instances where he's had to defend himself. Recently, another (older) boy took a few swings at him, and while our son was able to block or dodge them, he ended up having to physically subdue the other boy while several people tried to get the other boy to calm down.

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  3. I find that there are usually other ways to defuse a bully than superior firepower -- but it is good to have it in your back pocket even if you never use it. I have had experience bullies in the workplace, and obviously in the workplace you can't beat someone up and if they are your superior, then you don't even have the option to "fight back" in any way.

    In that case, my superior firepower was that I didn't care about the guy's antics, nor did I care if I lost my job or not. I just did the job, minus appreciating or being fearful of his yelling and threats. I told him something like "I can't do what you want. I can help you find the right person to express yourself to if you like, but as for me all I can do is work through the process we have right now." He yelled and complained and threatened, so I just told him I got the message and I would take it to someone, then left. After one or two times, he just started working with me. No apology or acknowledgement needed, but I knew I busted him.

    Same thing with physical bullies. Basically, just don't fight, works most of the time. Give the bully a way to save face, but don't engage or give him any credit or respect his threats. To have the child escalate, if that's what you mean by "standing up", then eventually the child will probably be beaten.

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  4. I love this line, Perfect Dad: "Give the bully a way to save face, but don't engage or give him any credit or respect his threats." Do you think, perhaps, that part of the reason we as parents have such a hard time teaching our kids how to handle bullies is because we ourselves haven't yet mastered the technique? It's very hard not to respond when you feel threatened or belittled, and yet you're right -- it rarely works. Escalating the situation almost always makes things worse.

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  5. bullying is inevitable. it happens to everyone.

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    1. I think you're right. The question is, how do we help our kids respond in a productive manner?

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  6. This is a Gender thing. Biologically boys determine status and safety within the "human pack" by fighting. Until we can genetically engineer our species to be more peaceful we will just have to live with that.

    Further, as someone who was a product of a public school I can tell you that teachers and monitors are next to useless when it comes to preventing bullying. Much of it happens and runs its course before an adult ever has time to intervene.

    If I ever have a son I will not only teach him how to fight but how to go "Dick Cheney" on any kid that might try to dominate them through bullying.

    Take away a boys ability to fight at that age and you take away his self respect for life.

    Hard but true.

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    1. Thanks for your comment. I'm really intrigued by your statement, "Take away a boys ability to fight at that age and you take away his self-respect for life."

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