Boys Can Dance Too

What if your son told you he wanted to dance?

Not hip-hop, not jazz, not even ballroom -- ballet. What would you say? More importantly, what would you think?

Ballet remains, in most people's minds, a girl thing. And because of that, most professional male ballet dancers come from outside of the United States. According to the San Diego Union-Tribune, six out of eight male prinicples at the American Ballet Theatre are from other countries. All eleven male prinicples of the San Francisco Ballet are from outside the United States.

Part of the problem is funding. In Russia, promising boys study ballet at publicly funded schools that combine academics and dance. No wonder that so many top male dancers come from Russia.

The larger problem, though, is stigma. Dance, especially ballet, has been stereotyped as a female thing, and God help the young boy (or teen) who says he wants to study ballet.

My oldest son, Boy #1, took ballet. He was four when he said he wanted to dance, and given his natural inclination towards performance, his father and I agreed to a dance class. Boy #1 loved it.

He quickly noticed, however, that he was the only boy in the class. Through two years of lessons, he remained the only boy in his class. Eventually, I think, he internalized the lesson: dance class is for girls. He quit when he was in first grade.

Thankfully, he hasn't lost the will to dance all together. He's an independent minded person and natural entertainer who's found a home on the stage. Numerous musicals and, now, show choir, fulfill his urge to dance.

I wonder, though. How many other boys give up and suppress an essential part of themselves? How many boys (and men) would live happier, fuller lives, if only dance was recognized and accepted as a male activity too? Yes, progress has been made. So You Think You Can Dance is a top-rated TV show; Dancing with the Stars regularly showcases jocks and famous actors putting on the ritz. But we have a long way to go before parents think twice about signing their sons up for ballet class.

I know.

Why do you think ballet is viewed almost exclusively as a "girl thing?" Has your son ever taken dance lessons? Did he get any flak?

Setting Boundaries

Joyce Grant, of Getting Kids Reading, had a great post yesterday about why boys don't like school. She recently attended a Leonard Sax seminar and wrote a great summary of the biologically-based learning differences between boys and girls.

She also wrote about boundaries. I love point # 7:

Boys understand boundaries. Instead of saying, "no throwing snowballs," make some boundaries. "Snowball throwing within this area only." Boys get "inbounds vs. out-of-bounds." And they're good with it.

We can't outlaw boy behavior. We can't outlaw running and screaming and jumping. We can't ban all violent play, and we can't stop them from wrestling. If we do that, we send boys the message that their internal impulses are somehow wrong, and that's just, well, wrong.

We can, however, set some boundaries. We can help them redirect their energies. We can suggest, for instance, that they leap off the playground instead of off the couch. We can give them play guns (or not) while letting them know that it's not OK to point a weapon at someone in anger. We can provide safe spaces and sane boundaries (such as no hitting the head or groin)when they start to wrestle.

Providing boundaries recognizes and respects boys' innate needs, while teaching them basic social behavior. Providing boundaries allows boys to experiment with their power and strength in a safe way. Providing boundaries helps boys grow into confident men.

The next time your boys are driving you crazy, don't simply outlaw the behavior. Work with your boys to develop some boundaries instead.

Gender Disappointment

Apparently, some moms are very, very unhappy with their baby boys.

According to a recent article first published in Elle, increasing numbers of American women are voicing their preference for a female child. At least some of those women are spending perfectly good money to enhance their chances. Some are paying for pre-implantation genetic diagnosis, a procedure in which conception occurs outside the body and only the "correct" sex embryos are implants in the woman's body. Others are banking on sperm sorting techniques, such as Microsort.

As a mom of boys (and all boys), I find this trend disturbing, to say the least. Even more disturbing is that the female-child preference seems to be an outgrowth of the current cultural thinking:

What’s behind the modern-day girl fetish? One explanation: Women envision a brighter future for their daughters than they do for their sons. Boys are practically the underdogs these days, having fallen behind girls on nearly every measure of academic achievement, from college attendance to high school graduation rates. According to books such as The War Against Boys and Boys Adrift, they are in danger of becoming, as Christina Hoff Sommers has written, “tomorrow’s second sex.”

“The way society is now—I feel there’s a preference for girls,” says Linda Heithaus, a marine biologist from Hollywood, Florida, who has two sons and is contemplating doing IVF/PGD in the hope of getting a girl. “They can do everything a boy can do, plus you can dress them up. It’s almost like, to fit in, you need to have one.” Girls, in other words, are boys plus. They can play sports and have careers, and you can dress them in pink and take them to tea at the American Girl café. What’s not to like?

Boys do have it tough today. They rank behind girls in academic achievement. They're more likely to be incarcerated. They're more likely to commit suicide. And given the current recession, employment opportunities for boys and men are limited as well. A man can no longer define himself as a success if he provides for his family; he can't even count on providing. Almost all the old benchmarks of male success have disappeared, leaving men and boys stranded in a world that doesn't seem to understand, recognize, or value manliness.

I'm not advocating a return to the "good old days" of the 1950s, a world of rigid sex stereotyping. I'm glad that today's women can (and do) compete in the boardroom, and I'm glad that men can (and do) change dirty diapers.

But boys and girls are different, and I'd like a world where my boys are accepted and valued as they are, not looked upon as less because they have a Y chromosome and love to leap off couches.

Children -- all of them -- come to us with unique personalities and potential. Let's not write off the boys.

Time for a Hug

I'm not from a particularly huggy family. We don't hug every time we say hi and we rarely hug when we say good-bye. It's more like a, "Hey, good to see ya." The affection is there, but understated, understood.

And yet hugs have a way of making things better when nothing else can.

This morning, when I was feeling overwhelmed by all I had to do, Boy #1 came up and gave me a hug -- wordlessly, silently -- and my day was better.

Tonight, after a bedtime battle that lasted over an hour-and-a-half, Boy #4 sat sobbing in his bed as I lay on the floor beside him. Something in my Mommy-heart spoke to me, and I sat up and wrapped him in my arms. He cried into my shoulders (both of them; he's very European that way) and whispered, "I'm sorry" before settling quietly into sleep. I'm convinced he'd still be crying if I hadn't taken a moment to hug my son.

This Thanksgiving, hug the boys in your life. Yes, they drive you crazy sometimes, and yes, they may try to shrug away when you approach with open arms. But your boys love you too, and a hug says more than words ever will.

Family Hate

My boys can bicker. A lot. In fact, they frequently spend entire days telling each other how much better their lives would be if only their brothers didn't exist.

And yet, they care about each other. A lot.

Case in point: The other day, Boy #2 and Boy #3 spent the bulk of their day arguing and fighting. Boy #2 let Boy #3 know, in no uncertain terms, that Boy #3 is not his favorite person in the world.

But that night, when Boy #3 was tired beyond belief and not feeling well, who was at his bedside? Boy #2. Who came to get me when Boy #3 said he thought he had a fever? Boy #2. And who checked in and said a sweet good night, even after I was laying with Boy #3? Boy #2.

"See," I told Boy #3. "He doesn't hate you. He really does love you."

"Oh, Mom," Boy #3 said, with a note of exasperation in his voice. "That's just family hate."

On some level, my boys get it. On some level, they love their brothers fiercely, even though they drive each other crazy. On some level, they know that all the hateful words are really just expressions of frustration and irritation.

Yes, we need to work on that; my boys need to learn better way to express frustration and irritation. But for now, I will revel in the memory of a sweet Boy #2, anxiously checking on his sick brother.

Have you entered my giveaway yet? You could win a Tag Jr. reading bundle!

Sometimes, It's Best to Wait

We've talked about potty training before, so you may already know that my basic philosopy is to follow the child:

Four boys into parenting, I'm convinced that you can't teach a child to go on the potty. Of course, if you've been around awhile, you probably already know that I don't think you can teach a child anything.

You can facilitate a child's learning. You can provide materials and answer questions. You can even show him how something is done. But to say you can teach him something -- which many people seem to define as getting a child to do what you want him to do, when you want him to do it -- seems to ignore the basic fact that the child is part of the equation as well.

I can throw all the information and knowledge in the world at a kid, but if he's not developmentally, emotionally, cognitively or physically ready to receive it, he's not going to "learn" a darn thing.

Which leads me to @cfoutz. Her blog post, Bringing Back Diapers, should be required reading for anyone thinking of imposing potty training on a child.

Long story short, her 3 1/2-year-old son was willing to sit on the potty for his preschool teacher, but not his parents. He liked his big-boy underwear, but wasn't so crazy about using the potty. So he didn't. For 33 whole hours. He ended up in the emergency room.

All is well -- her little guy peed just after the ultrasound technician scanned his bladder -- and his parents have decided to heed his very loud signals. 3 1/2-year-old boy is now back in diapers.

@cfoutz, of course, felt terrible about the whole thing:

During all of this I was a mess of guilt and frustration. I was crying to my mother that I felt so bad but was doing all I could do. There are just no books for a kid like him. The only books that talk about strong-willed kids talk about discipline or just living with them and understanding them. No one talks about the other things, like the weaning off things, toilet learning, sleeping alone, etc. There are no guides for parents like me.

Don't get me wrong: I think there's a time and place for parental advice columns and parenting books and magazines. As parents, we need all the information we can get. But no book, column, article or expert will ever tell you what your child needs. Your child is the only one who can tell you that, and you, as his parent, are uniquely equipped to interpret his needs. Together, you can find the path that takes him exactly where he needs to go.

Your job is to listen.

Books 'Bout Boys: Packaging Boyhood

Like it or not, the media has a massive effect on today's boys.
That's why I was so excited to see Packaging Boyhood: Saving Our Sons from Superheroes, Slackers and Other Media Stereotypes, a new book by Lyn Mikel Brown, Sharon Lamb and Mark Tappan. Today, they share with us an excerpt about boys and drinking -- and as a resident of Wisconsin, a state that consistently leads the nation in binge drinking, I agree that it's high time we started paying attention to the unconscious messages we send our sons.

According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, males age 12 or older report higher rates than females for all measures of alcohol use and abuse, including binge drinking and alcohol dependence.

No wonder. The party-hardy atmosphere is everywhere they are – from about age 5 and up. We’re not talking about the ubiquitous beer commercials during Monday Night Football, the crazy liquored-up antics on VH-1 or MTV reality shows, or even the champagne drinking players in rap videos. We’re talking cartoons, G-rated films, and tween TV. Whether it’s the Poison Apple Pub in Shrek or the cool bar on the beach where the Madagascar friends hang out, socializing in animated films often means drinking.

And just like it is in real life, over-indulging leads to trouble-making and stupid behavior. Elliot the deer and Boog the bear, two buddies in the animated film Open Season, trash a country store after getting “drunk” on candy bars. Buzz Lightyear drinks too much “tea” in Toy Story, and his friend Woody tries to sober him up. In his movie, SpongeBob SquarePants has a terrible hangover from his ice-cream bender of the night before.

But why let the elementary school set have all the fun? Nothing says cool to a “tweenager” more than a good out of control party. TV shows targeting tweens help kids imagine being a mythic teenager; you know, the guy who has the hot babes and the fun parties, who hangs in clubs, dorms, and other places where there are no pesky, dopey, intrusive, nagging parents; the guy who has no homework or after school job and who doesn’t actually work hard at anything.

That’s why the boys in The Naked Brothers Band, a Nick show about a group of precocious preteens living the rock star dream, do their best to imitate the kinds of problems parents are trying to control. In their first movie, a mockumentary of their rock star rise to fame, then six-year-old bad boy drummer Alex develops a lemon-lime soda addiction. When their original band breaks up, he binges in a bar scene, chugging like a frat boy, and ends up in a luxury rehabilitation Soda-holics at Sea program.

Then there’s bad boy Zack on The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, a show about twin tweens living it up in a luxury hotel (the new version of the show has them living it up on a luxury cruise ship—more babes in bikinis!), who sets up his own underage dance club in the hotel lounge. The boy “bartender” pushes sugary soda to shy, nice girl, Barbara, and after chugging root beer – “Hit me again!” – she takes her hair down, whips off her glasses and starts dancing suggestively while the crowd shouts, “Go Barbara! Go Barbara!” It’s a nerdy boy’s dream when she staggers to Cody and kisses him hard on the mouth.

Most of these preteen shows feature 8-14 year olds running their own lives in a world created for them by adult writers who know how to create a pseudo-sanitized version of Entourage. All the themes, expectations, and desires are there—but it’s okay because the drinks they’re chugging aren’t really alcoholic and the come-ons and references to hot girls don’t really lead to the party-house bedroom. But there’s no missing the staggering around and slurred speech or the wild, loose behavior as anything but an imitation of the real thing.

So what’s a parent to do? Watch these shows and movies with your son. Help him understand what’s really being sold with those funny antics and silly situations, and discuss the behavior you see.

Here are a few “typical boy” behaviors to look out for in his media:

Koolaid or soda chugging in ways that suggest chugging a beer;
Doing "jello shots", even when it's just jello.
Getting crazy, acting goofy or doing stupid things after drinking sugary sodas or some other beverage.
Sharing woes or drowning troubles in a bar or saloon;
Living a party social life in clubs, dorms, or on the beach, chilling with sodas or drinks in beer mugs, champagne flutes, or cocktail glasses.

It will be nearly impossible to protect him from a “drinking is a rite of passage for boys” media message, so start these conversations early. Put his natural powers of observation to work, teach him to question advertising, and help him know when to say no to this version of “boys will be boys” behavior!

Lyn Mikel Brown, Ed.D., Sharon Lamb Ed.D., and Mark Tappan, Ed.D. are authors of Packaging Boyhood: Saving Our Sons From Superheroes, Slackers, and Other Media Stereotypes.