Boys & Birth Control

Photo by robertelyov via Flickr

1 out of 5 sexually active teenage boys does not receive info regarding condom usage or birth control from their parents, doctors or teachers.

That's according to a report by the Center for Advancing Health. The report, which looked at sexually active teens between the ages of 13 and 19, found that parents were the most likely source of  information regarding birth control and sexual health. 43 percent of the males said that their parents shared info with them regarding birth control, and 66 percent of the males said their parents shared information about sexually transmitted diseases. Only 1/3 said they got similar information from their healthcare providers. 

Think about those numbers for a minute. 43 percent of the sexually active boys said that they'd received info about birth control from their parents or teachers. That means that 57 percent of sexually active teenage boys had not gotten any info about birth control from a parent or teacher, and the odds are good that that didn't hear anything from their doctor either. 44 percent of sexually active teenage boys didn't have info about sexually transmitted diseases, at least not from a reliable source such as a parent, teacher or healthcare provider.

Those numbers are terrible. Those numbers are shameful. 

Our boys NEED information about sex and sexual health. They need to know how to protect themselves and a partner from sexually transmitted diseases or unwanted pregnancy. And they need that information whether or not they are sexually active at the moment, because the odds are extremely, very,very good that they will become sexually active at some point.

As a nurse, as a health writer and as an advocate for boys, I strongly believe that 100 percent of teenage boys should not only have information about sexual health, birth control and STD prevention, but that they should also have easy access to condoms  -- not because I want to encourage teen boys to have sex, but because I'm a realist. At some point, those boys-becoming-men will have sex, and I want them to have all of the tools and knowledge they need to keep themselves (and their partners) safe.

As a parent, though, I realize it's not easy. It is much easier for me, as a nurse, health writer and advocate, to say that all boys should have that info -- and much harder for me to actually sit down and talk to my boys about these topics. Much harder to discern when I should make condoms available. Much harder to decide how much information to share, and when. 

So know this: It's OK to be uncomfortable. It's OK to stumble through these questions and discussions, and OK to veer from too little to too much info and back again. Talking to kids about sex is hard because all kids, all parents and all families are different. As a blogger, I have the luxury of talking in generalities: You should talk to your boys about sex. As a parent, you have the difficult job of tailoring the information to your child, of figuring out what to say when and how to present the info in such a way that your kid might actually take it in. 

I can't tell you how to do that. I can't tell you exactly when or how to bring up birth control with your boys. (Though I'm happy to field any questions, and will share some suggestions in a future post.) What I can tell you is that discomfort is no excuse. It is simply irresponsible to send our sons out into the world without solid knowledge of sexual health and birth control.

So be uncomfortable. Stumble through the presentation. Be willing to be awkward and presumptuous. TALK TO YOUR BOYS about sex, and make sure they understand the mechanics of sex and conception and birth control and STD prevention. (They need to know about the emotional and ethical components of sex too, but I'll save that for another post.) 

Before your boys leave your house -- hopefully, well before -- your boys need to know how to protect their sexual health. 

Boys & Rape

Photo by sboneham

The verdict is in. The two boys accused of raping a teenage girl in Steubenville, Ohio have been found guilty.

The discussion, though, is not over. While pundits and Internet commentators parse the details of the trial and the crime, parents everywhere are trying to figure out how to prevent this from happening again. No one wants their daughter to be raped. And no one wants their son to be a rapist.

So letters like AskMoxie's "A Letter to My Sons About Stopping Rape" are circling the Internet, and moms (why does it always seem to be moms?) are saving the letter to show to their sons when the time is right. But do we really need long letters about sex to 8- and 11-year-old boys get the point across?

I don't think so. Remember, kids -- especially boys -- tune out words. Ever notice how simple, direct instructions catch your sons' attention so much better than long, rambling requests and explanations? That's because their brain is wired to catch essential info.

Boys (and girls) are also much, much, MUCH more likely to follow our example than our words. So if want to teach our boys not to rape, we need to:

1. Demonstrate consistent respect for humanity. Our kids need to see us showing respect for every single member member of humanity. Even the people we don't like. Even the ones who annoy us. Even the ones who act provocatively, in any way.

Our kids need to know that beneath every human exterior lies a person with a heart and soul and hopes and dreams, and I'm a firm believer that the best way to teach our kids this essential fact is to treat others with kindness and respect. Look people in the eye. Speak gently to them. Do not make derogatory remarks about others' appearance or history or behavior, and never, ever imply that someone deserves something due to the way he or she behaved.

Teach your children -- by example -- to give people the benefit of doubt. Teach them to treat others as they'd like to be treated.

2. Talk about our values. I will never be able to change the culture to conform to my values, and neither will you. I am also unable (and unwilling) to completely shield my boys from the world in which they live. But that doesn't mean that I need to stand silently to the side when TV shows, movies or music depict any kind of abuse or degradation of another human being.

When the media depicts an act or behavior you don't approve of, or seems to honor a celebrity for less-than-stellar behavior, talk to your kids. Talk about what you don't like. (My kids are well aware of what I think about Charlie Sheen's poor choices.)  Talk about why don't like it. Talk about what kind of behavior you value instead, and why. And whenever possible, serve up for-instances and examples of exemplary behavior.

3. Respect boundaries. It's next-to-impossible to expect our kids to respect other people's boundaries if we don't respect theirs. So when your son starts asking for privacy in the bathroom, give it to him. When he declines your offer of a good night hug, simply wish him good night; don't guilt trip him into hugging ol' Mom, or he'll learn that he should stuff down his internal instincts in order to keep other people happy.

Respecting your sons' boundaries may also mean listening carefully when he tells you he wants to quit a chosen and once-treasured activity. Certainly, you'll want discuss his reasons for wanting to quit, and it's best to ponder the decision together. But ultimately, you want your son to learn to trust his inner voice, the one that tells him when something doesn't feel quite right. And the only way you can do that is by listening to your son, considering his wishes and respecting his boundaries.

4. Speak up. Don't participate in the culture of silence. Don't keep shameful family secrets. All kids need to know that it's OK to speak up, OK to let someone know that something is wrong. So if you see someone being hurt, stop. Speak up. Intervene.

I once pulled the van over at the middle school when I saw two kids physically harassing another. I didn't know the kids, didn't fully know the situation, but had watched just long enough to know that what was going on was not fun for all involved. I parked the van, left the kids in the car, and got out. The bullies scrambled. I made sure the other kid was OK and stayed with him 'til his ride arrived.

I still don't know the kids' names. I don't know what, exactly, my kids took from that situation, but I'm pretty sure they know that 1) their mom is not going to sit by while a kid gets hurt and 2) that onlookers can help.

Am I being overly simplistic in thinking that these four steps can help stop rape? I don't think so. Rape was never about sex anyway. Rape is about power. Rape dehumanizes another. And learning to respect all humans, I think, will go a long way toward changing our rape culture.

PSA: Salt and Ice Challenge

Normally, I'm all about home-grown science experiments. My kids have whipped up all kinds of concoctions in the kitchen, and we've blown up more than our fair share of baking soda volcanoes.

But the latest, "greatest" DIY kitchen science experiment -- the salt and ice challenge -- is actually dangerous.

I'd never heard of the salt and ice challenge until today. More specifically, until today's headline news article, which features a large photo of a cross burned into a 12-year-old boy's back.

It seems the boy, his brother and a friend were attempting the challenge, which is making the rounds on YouTube. I hadn't heard about that either, so I clicked over the YouTube. And sure enough -- there are plenty of videos showing kids undertaking the challenge.

Normally, I wouldn't post videos that explicitly show how to do something harmful. But in this case, I think it's important to watch the videos.One, because I want you to know what your kids may be watching. And two, because I think these videos may have something important to tell us about boys today.


Did you notice that both videos feature boys? And not just one boy, but two. In both videos, there's a very strong undercurrent of competition. Each of the boys is trying to outlast the other. And all of them, I'm convinced, leave the ice/salt combination on their body a lot longer than they normally would, simply because they're trying to impress/outlast the other boy. In the top video, the younger boy claims victory because he didn't wash off his arm; he states this fact as a badge of virtual bravery and honor. In the lower video, the boy with the hat removes his ice cube when the pain becomes too intense -- but replaces it when it sees that his friend still has the ice in place in his arm.

Bottom line (which has been true throughout the ages): Boys will do some pretty dumb stuff to impress other boys. Together, they will take risks that they'd never take independently.

Other bottom line: Like it not, YouTube is a powerful presence in the lives of our boys' lives. They may claim to hate Justin Bieber, but they all know that he became famous after uploading videos to YouTube. They know who Ray William Johnson is, and most know who Smosh is too. As far as our boys are concerned, uploading videos of yourself doing dumb stuff is a good way to get famous.


I don't have any words of wisdom here, just words of caution. I'm an involved parent, our computer is in a central location and all in all, I monitor what they watch online. (And yes, it includes Ray Williams Johnson and Smosh.) I talk to my boys regularly about health and safety, and real bravery vs. bravado. But I could still see them falling for the salt-and-ice challenge. I could still see them heading to the kitchen to try it out -- because, really, how bad can it be? I can see them thinking, Salt? Ice? Those are just common household ingredients! I'd hope that they'd drop the ice before they caused serious damage, but if other boys are around, who knows?

What do you think? Would your boys fall for the salt-and-ice challenge?

I Feel Pretty

My 13- year-old son is wearing my prom dress, a pink, sparkly thing straight out of the 1990s.

For some reason, my Mom held onto that dress for 20+ years. It hung in her closet, unloved, in limbo, for all those years. I certainly never asked her to hold onto the dress; prom, in my memory, was a disappointing event that only drilled home that fact that I was not pretty or popular enough to snag a boyfriend. Maybe my Mom hoped that someday I'd see the dress with clearer eyes, that someday the dress would remind me of a young, happy time. Perhaps she simply couldn't bear to part with a dress that had cost her so much. (Prom dresses aren't cheap, you know.) Whatever her reasons, my son and I both agree that she didn't expect THIS to be the dress's next stop. In the words of my son: "I bet Grandma never thought I'd be wearing this dress!"

He's right, of course. I have four boys. None of us ever expected that dress to see action again. But he's a theatrical one, my 13-year-old. He's involved in music and dance and gamely agreed to play the part of Mama in a lip sync production of "Welcome to the '60s!" When he came home and told me he needed a pink, sparkly dress, I knew just the dress for him. We headed over to Grandma's, grabbed the dress and within minutes of returning home, my pink prom dress was swathed around my son's body.

It fit him. (Well, mostly.) My pink prom dress, the one I wore at age 16, fit my 13-year-old son. The pink satiny material hugs his sides and I look on with wonder. Was I that small as a teen? The dress, in fact, is a little tight on him and he asks how I managed to breathe. I try to picture myself in the dainty dress, the dress with a small, narrow waist which opens into a full skirt. I don't recall feeling dainty in the dress. I recall feeling ugly and out-of-place.

For 20+ years, I have recoiled at pictures of myself in the dress, have slammed shut the closet door every time I stumbled across the dress at Grandma's, because the dress served only as reminder of my physical unattractiveness. How could I have chosen such an ugly dress, I wondered?

But now that the dress is back in service -- draped over seat of my van, hanging from my kitchen cupboards, hugging the not-at-all fat body of my son -- I see that the dress is not ugly. It's actually quite pretty: a lacy skirt overlaying pink satin; a wide, pink sash at the waist; a bosom decorated with tiny irirdescent beads. And from this perspective, I'm willing to acknowledge that maybe I wasn't ugly then either. If I could fit into that dress at age 16 - and fill it out in ways that my 13-year-old will never be able to -- clearly, I wasn't as large or ugly or ox-y as I once thought. I look at the dress now and shake my head at the sadness of it all. For 20+ years, I thought my 16-year-old self was ugly. It took my 13-year-old son in a dress to show me my errors of perception.

Fellow writer Dara Chadwick, author of You'd Be So Pretty If..., argues that moms of boys need to be just as concerned about girls' body image issues as moms of daughters. "Healthy self-esteem and self-respect are the foundation for healthy relationships," Chadwick wrote on her Psychology Today blog. "When girls don't feel good about who they are or the bodies they live in, they somtimes act out in unhealthy ways...And they're often not alone in this acting out behavior: our sons are with them."

It's taken 20 years -- and my son in a dress -- for me to even realize that I had body image issues as a teen. My goal now, as a mother of boys, is to make sure my boys see the person behind the dress, not just the dress or the pretty figure.

Boys and Sex

Our kids today live in an increasingly sexualized world. Disney darling Miley Cyrus morphs from Hannah Montana into a full-blown sexy singer, and while some of her young fans (and many of their parents) disprove of her new look and lyrics, she's traveling a well-worn path. Our stores and catalogs, after all, are filled with skimpy clothes aimed at pre-teen girls.

For the most part, I thought I'd been spared that angst. As a mother of four boys, I don't have to deal with Halloween costumes that barely cover their midriffs or short-shorts emblazoned with the word "Juicy." But as a recent blog post at Sociological Images pointed out, boys are not immune from sexualization.

Jayden Smith, the 11-year-old star of Karate Kid, is admired for his abs. Apparently, he's also a self-proclaimed "great kisser." More distubring than that, however, is the fact that almost no one seems disturbed by these facts. Would we accept and tolerate the same behavior and treatment of an 11-year-old girl?

I'll admit it: The fact that he had a girlfriend in the newest Karate Kid seemed a bit odd to me. In Karate Kid I, the protagonist was a high school student. Here, he's barely in middle school. But beyond that, I hadn't given any thought to the fact that maybe -- maybe -- we tolerate certain sexual images, behaviors and casting as OK for boys but not OK for girls.

Sociological Images also ran photos of 16-year-old Justin Bieber with 29-year-old Kim Kardashian. And while the photos don't seem particularly disturbing (at least not compared with the site of Miley Cyrus tramping around in next-to-nothing), the author brings up an excellent point: What if the roles were reversed? Would we accept such photos of a 16-year-old girl with a 29-year-old man? Why do we tolerate provocative photos of young boys with older women? Could it be that a double standard is still in place?

"We accept the idea of boys being sexual, or sexually interested, at younger ages than girls, and any interest they show in older girls or women is a sign of their sexual precocity..." writes gwen. Think about that. Sub-consciously, are our expecatations for our sons different from those for our daughters? Why?

Teen Boys Eat A Lot

That's the conclusion of a new scientific study. I know, right? Tell us something we don' t know!

But the study, published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, could be reassurance for parents and teen boys in this day and age of eating disorders. While we tend to associate eating disorders, dieting and poor body image with girls, boys are affected too. Just today, another mom told me that her 7-year-old son recently asked if he was fat. (He's not.) And my 12-year-old son, a growing boy if ever there was one, frequently expresses concern about the weight he's gaining. He's gotten the societal message that weight gain is bad -- at 12-years-old.

Teenage boys, though, need to eat. According to the study, prepubescent boys average nearly 1300 lunchtime calories, compared to girls' 900 calories. Boys in their mid-teens typically consume around 2000 calories at lunch. While that might sound like a lot (particularly to our weight-obsessed brains), boys need those calories to fuel their tremendous growth.

If you son starts obsessing about his weight, obsessively counting calories or exercising in the extreme, pay attention. As Adelaide Robb, an associate professor of psychiatry, said in a 2007 Washington Post article, "A teenage boy shouldn't be eating what his 110-pound, dieting mother would eat. It's normal for a half-gallon of milk and a loaf of bread to disapper every 48 hours if there's a teenage boy in the house."

Birth Control and Boys

According to the latest study by the Centers for Disease Control, 40% of teens aged 15 to 19 have had sex at least once. 81% of boys who engaged in sex reported using birth control during their first sexual encounter.

That's the good news, I suppose. Most of our teens are not having sex, and the vast majority of those who are sexually active are taking steps to protect their health and prevent pregnancy.

Buried in the "good news," though, is an extremely disturbing nugget of information: 18% of the boys surveyed said they would be a "little pleased" or "very pleased" if their sexual encounters resulted in a pregnancy.

Take a minute for that to sink in.

Almost one-fifth of the boys surveyed -- boys aged 15 to 19 -- would be happy if they impregnated a girl. Why??? Because it proves their manliness? Their virility? Because they hope to leave a lasting mark on the world? Whatever their misguided reasons, we need to get one message through to our boys, loud and clear: Making a baby does not make you a man. Living up to your responsibilities, whatever those responsibilities might be, makes you a man.

Kimberly Spector, an LA-based adolescent-health educator quoted in a WebMD story about the study said, "This report shows us that if we as educators and parents are going to take a wholistic approach to sex education, one that addresses all of the risks and most completely informs our students and children, we are going to have to start talking more in depth about the realities of parenting. Teenagers need to know that having babies is not just about cuteness, love, and a lasting relationship with a significant other, but also about dirty diapers, sleepless nights, increasing expenses, and often, emotional exhaustion."

The truth of her words is stunning in its simplicity. We need to teach our kids that sex may result in parenting.

I'm a proponent of open and honest conversations about sex and birth control. I firmly believe that our children need to know about sexually transmitted diseases and birth control options, because like it or not, we can't control our children's behavior. We can, however, influence their behavior, and maybe that's where we've been slacking off.

Most modern sex ed programs focus on mechanics, diseases and birth control methods. But how much time really is spent drumming in the idea that sex leads to babies, which leads to parenting? It's almost as if that reality has gotten lost in the details. It's a hard concept to teach -- I mean, how many of us really understood how difficult parenting would be? -- but one that's absolutely essential. Our boys need to know that sex doesn't end with making a baby, that making a baby is just the beginning.

On the other hand, I don't want our children indoctrinated with the inconveniences of parenting. Yes, having a baby results in dirty diapers, sleepless nights, increased expenses, and often, emotional exhaustion. But parenting can also be the greatest adventure of one's life, an opportunity for personal growth like no other. The hitch, though, is that you have to be ready. To fully partake in the joys of parenting, you have to be ready to set aside your own needs to focus on those of another, and that requires a maturity that most teens simply don't have.

As always, our kids are learning from us. My boys, especially the older ones, understand all too well that parenting is hard work, because they see me doing it day in and day out. They know that toddlers are extremely demanding little creatures because they've seen me deal with their highly persistent and strong-willed little brother. They also see, however, the deep love I have for each of my children, and I frequently talk about ways parenting has changed my life for the better. We also talk very candidly about teen sex, especially during teachable moments. FOX's hit TV show Glee contains a teen pregnancy story line, and we talk about it. Slowly, gradually, I think my boys are getting the message.

What about you? Do you think boys today "get" the idea that sex leads to parenting? What do you think needs to be done to improve our sons' sexual education?

Books 'Bout Boys: Packaging Boyhood

Like it or not, the media has a massive effect on today's boys.
That's why I was so excited to see Packaging Boyhood: Saving Our Sons from Superheroes, Slackers and Other Media Stereotypes, a new book by Lyn Mikel Brown, Sharon Lamb and Mark Tappan. Today, they share with us an excerpt about boys and drinking -- and as a resident of Wisconsin, a state that consistently leads the nation in binge drinking, I agree that it's high time we started paying attention to the unconscious messages we send our sons.

According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, males age 12 or older report higher rates than females for all measures of alcohol use and abuse, including binge drinking and alcohol dependence.

No wonder. The party-hardy atmosphere is everywhere they are – from about age 5 and up. We’re not talking about the ubiquitous beer commercials during Monday Night Football, the crazy liquored-up antics on VH-1 or MTV reality shows, or even the champagne drinking players in rap videos. We’re talking cartoons, G-rated films, and tween TV. Whether it’s the Poison Apple Pub in Shrek or the cool bar on the beach where the Madagascar friends hang out, socializing in animated films often means drinking.

And just like it is in real life, over-indulging leads to trouble-making and stupid behavior. Elliot the deer and Boog the bear, two buddies in the animated film Open Season, trash a country store after getting “drunk” on candy bars. Buzz Lightyear drinks too much “tea” in Toy Story, and his friend Woody tries to sober him up. In his movie, SpongeBob SquarePants has a terrible hangover from his ice-cream bender of the night before.

But why let the elementary school set have all the fun? Nothing says cool to a “tweenager” more than a good out of control party. TV shows targeting tweens help kids imagine being a mythic teenager; you know, the guy who has the hot babes and the fun parties, who hangs in clubs, dorms, and other places where there are no pesky, dopey, intrusive, nagging parents; the guy who has no homework or after school job and who doesn’t actually work hard at anything.

That’s why the boys in The Naked Brothers Band, a Nick show about a group of precocious preteens living the rock star dream, do their best to imitate the kinds of problems parents are trying to control. In their first movie, a mockumentary of their rock star rise to fame, then six-year-old bad boy drummer Alex develops a lemon-lime soda addiction. When their original band breaks up, he binges in a bar scene, chugging like a frat boy, and ends up in a luxury rehabilitation Soda-holics at Sea program.

Then there’s bad boy Zack on The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, a show about twin tweens living it up in a luxury hotel (the new version of the show has them living it up on a luxury cruise ship—more babes in bikinis!), who sets up his own underage dance club in the hotel lounge. The boy “bartender” pushes sugary soda to shy, nice girl, Barbara, and after chugging root beer – “Hit me again!” – she takes her hair down, whips off her glasses and starts dancing suggestively while the crowd shouts, “Go Barbara! Go Barbara!” It’s a nerdy boy’s dream when she staggers to Cody and kisses him hard on the mouth.

Most of these preteen shows feature 8-14 year olds running their own lives in a world created for them by adult writers who know how to create a pseudo-sanitized version of Entourage. All the themes, expectations, and desires are there—but it’s okay because the drinks they’re chugging aren’t really alcoholic and the come-ons and references to hot girls don’t really lead to the party-house bedroom. But there’s no missing the staggering around and slurred speech or the wild, loose behavior as anything but an imitation of the real thing.

So what’s a parent to do? Watch these shows and movies with your son. Help him understand what’s really being sold with those funny antics and silly situations, and discuss the behavior you see.

Here are a few “typical boy” behaviors to look out for in his media:

Koolaid or soda chugging in ways that suggest chugging a beer;
Doing "jello shots", even when it's just jello.
Getting crazy, acting goofy or doing stupid things after drinking sugary sodas or some other beverage.
Sharing woes or drowning troubles in a bar or saloon;
Living a party social life in clubs, dorms, or on the beach, chilling with sodas or drinks in beer mugs, champagne flutes, or cocktail glasses.

It will be nearly impossible to protect him from a “drinking is a rite of passage for boys” media message, so start these conversations early. Put his natural powers of observation to work, teach him to question advertising, and help him know when to say no to this version of “boys will be boys” behavior!

Lyn Mikel Brown, Ed.D., Sharon Lamb Ed.D., and Mark Tappan, Ed.D. are authors of Packaging Boyhood: Saving Our Sons From Superheroes, Slackers, and Other Media Stereotypes.

A Teachable Moment

My new favorite show is Glee, Fox's hit show about a high school show choir. It's over-the-top campy fun featuring teenage angst, a teen pregnancy and musical numbers to die for. It's also a great show to watch with my boys.

Take this week's episode. Head cheerleader (and president of the Chastity Club), Quinn, is pregnant. Her boyfriend, Finn, is overwhelmed but trying hard to do the right thing. But as the dad-to-be, his options are limited. Being the Dad, he says, means you have all of the worry and none of the control.

As a Mom-of-boys, I've often thought about the dilemma faced by teen dads. When a boy gets a girl pregnant, that child is his too, yet his vote is almost never decisive. She is the one carrying the child and therefore the one to decide the fate of the pregnancy. The teenage daddy is in a truly powerless position.

So we talked about that. We talked about the fact the if a boy gets a girl pregnant, he has very little say in what happens next. We talked about the fact that whatever happens, the boy's life will be forever altered. Soon, we'll talk about better decisions boys can make in advance, to avoid such a powerless position.

It was an important conversation, and one that was more meaningful because the boys clearly saw the pain on Finn's face as he pondered the future of his child. As Boy #2 says," Who says you can't learn anything from TV?"

The Lives of Boys

If you read the headlines at all, you might conclude that the boys are either violent or into sports. Today, my Google alert screams, "Teen to be tried as juvenille in Crofton boys' death," while also informing me that the Haddonfield boys soccer team blanked Gateway and that Rutger's Miehe won the 2009 Metropolitan Championship.

As a mom who blogs about boys, I'm reminded over and over again of the stereotypes facing our sons. Sports, violence, sex, music -- that's the focus of most news reports about boys.

That, of course, is just my unscientifc observation. However, a report commissioned by the organization Women in Journalism found that "the word most commonly used to describe teen boys in the media is yobs. Other common words were thugs, feral, louts, hoodies, evil, frightening, monsters, scum and heartless. More than 60% of the stories about teen boys concerned crime – 90% of which showed them in a bad light. Eighty-five per cent of a sample of 1,000 boys thought the press portrayed them negatively." (Did I mention that this is a British organization?)

One British journalist, though, set out to find the real boys buried beneath the sterotypes. Simon Hattenstone's article, "Teen Spirit: The Secret Life of Britain's Teenage Boys" is the most thoughtful, informative and sensitive piece of boy-journalism I've seen yet. It's a bit of a long read, but absolutely worth it. I guarantee it.

What do you think about Teen Spirit? On the whole, do you think boys are doing OK? Do you think the media unfairly presents boys as thugs or trouble?

Jesus Was a Boy Too

I'm not exactly a Biblical blogger. In fact, we might go years and years without me ever mentioning the Bible again. And yet....

Last night a certain passage caught my eye. Even if you're not a religious person, you've probably heard the story. It's the story of Jesus in the temple, the time when 12-year-old Jesus stayed back in Jerusalem while he parents went on. Mary and Joseph were, of course, frantic when the realized that Jesus wasn't with their family group. They returned to Jersusalem to find him.

For three days they searched. (I never remembered that part before. Can you imagine searching for your son for three days?) They found him in the temple, preaching.

Of course, his earthly parents basically asked, "What do you think you're doing, young man?!?" and Jesus, being Jesus, responded, "Why were you searching for me? Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?"

That part of the story I knew. That part mystified Mary and Joseph, at least in the moment, but I've attended enough Catholic school to know exactly what he meant.

It was the next sentence that got me: "Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them." (Luke 3:51)

So let me get this straight -- their twelve-year-old son stayed back in Jerusalem to preach in the temple. Then headed home and was obedient for the next 20 or so years?? This is what the Bible has to tell me about Jesus' teen years?

My oldest son is 11 1/2 and quite precocious. If we'd lived back in BC, I could see him lingering at the temple, hanging around and talking. (OK, since this is my son and not the Son of God, it's more likely that he would have been hanging out at the Sea of Galilee, chatting it up with the fishermen.) And I could see him giving a relatively smart-ass answer when we found him again and asked what he was up too.

I can NOT see him coming home and being obedient. Maybe it's because my boys are going through some kind of annoy-Mom-and-each-other-stage right now, or maybe it's because I just can't see any boy going home and being perfectly obedient after being that independent at the age of twelve.

Suddenly, the Bible seemed all too vague. What was Jesus really like as he grew? How did he handle peer pressure and shaving and voice changes? How did Mary reconcile her need to love and protect her son with his need to blossom? How did Jesus grow up to be, well -- Jesus?

Someday, I think, Mary and I need to chat.

Tween Boys

Liz Atwood at Charm City Moms writes about tween boys today. Specifically, she asks if tween boys are ignored.

Apparently, a Google search for "tween girls" gives you over 2 million hits. Search "tween boys" and get less than a million-and-a-half. Seems marketers, etc. have spent a lot of time investigating the needs, wants and desires of tween girls, but not so much studying teen boys.

I, for one, have no problem with that. I do, however, have a problem with the concept of "tween."

Tweens are loosely defined as kids ages 8-14 who are "in between" the traditional child and teenage stages of development. (For more on tween, click here.)

What bothers me about this "definition" is that it's entirely made-up. Certainly, a boy who is 12 is going to have different interests and needs than his 4-yr-old or 17-yr-old brothers. But can't we just consider that a spectrum of growth, instead of a "stage" which miraculously appeared in the last 15 years?

Tweens are a marketing concept, plain and simple. A few years ago, saavy retailers realized that kids have money to spend. They studied this age group and, for the first time ever, specifically marketed products and services to 8-14 yr. olds.

Now, instead of children finding themselves as they leave childhood and grow to adulthood, a host of marketers call them "tweens" and tell them what clothes to wear, what music to like, what shows to watch and even what foods to eat.

Disney has long had a corner on the tween market. (Think Hannah Montana and High School Musical.) But now, they're turning their attention to the supposedly-neglected and under-served tween boys. Disney XD (which, I'll admit, my boys have already been watching) is aimed at tween boys.

And if XD can do for tween boys what Disney's done for tween girls, heaven help us all.

Guest Blogger: Talking to Teens

Our guest blogger today is my dear friend and veteran homeschooling Mom, Kristi Scorcio. As you can see from the pic, Kristi is the Mom of 3 teen + boys (and 1 daughter), and therefore is my go-to gal whenever I want to be assured that yes, indeed, all this craziness is normal.

When any of my three teenage sons come home, whether it's after a college class or a part time job or even from a movie, they usually head for the kitchen. I wander in to join them saying things like, "Did you have fun?" "Who was there?" "Did you eat?" and "Anything interesting happen?"

They respond in polite but terse answers. Instead of taking the hint and stopping the questions, I persist. "When do you work next week?" "How did your test go?" "Did you get your research paper back yet?"

Why do I keep asking them questions? Because they should talk to me!

Raising boys. Will I never learn to let them talk in their own time?

Two days later, while I'm browning the hamburger for chili or sorting a load of socks (where is the mate for this sock?) or sweeping the floor (there's the back to that earring) – they may find me and talk, in their own time, in their own way.

When one of our sons was 15 years old, I would drop him off at the community college at 8 a.m. Monday through Friday, for a pre-calculus class. After the class he would get into the van, smile politely at me and then sit silently.

I grew more and more agitated until I hit upon a plan. After he had settled in, buckled his seat belt and we were headed home, I would say "What's the worst thing that happened in class today?"I would then pause, listen to his answer, comment in an accepting way and then say "What's the best thing that happened in class today?"

He tolerated this for a day or so and then when his tolerance had become maxed out, he said "Mom, what BOOK did you get THIS idea from?"

I promised to stop asking so many questions about his class and he promised to tell me if anything worth talking about ever happened. Seems he only wanted to talk when he had something important to say.

Some mothers tell me that their sons are chatty and their daughters the silent ones. Not in our house. My daughter and I can gab on for hours, especially after she's been away from home. "Who was there?""What was the movie about?" "When is the next meeting?" And she ANSWERS me. She even volunteers information and funny stories.

Don't get me wrong. These same boys, who may not be talking right now, can tell stories that make me laugh so hard I cry. At times they pour out their concerns and worries and dreams. But the key seems to be that they talk when they feel it's the right time.

Drives me crazy!

Oh, oh. I just heard one of them come home. Maybe I'll go down to the kitchen and brown some hamburger. I could sure use a funny story about now.

Guest Post: Sandra Dodd!

We have a real treat today! If you're a homeschooler, particularly of the unschooling variety, you may have already heard of Sandra Dodd. Sandra is the mother of three wonderful children who have never gone to school; her philosophy of life and learning involves joy and connection and can help bring peace and happiness to any family. Here, she blogs about helping her sons find their place in the world.

I have two sons who never went to school, who are now 22 and 20 years old. They are Kirby, who works for Blizzard, Entertainment in Austin, and Marty, who is still at home, has a 23 year old girlfriend, a job at a Persian restaurant, and a Jeep Wrangler he chose and is paying for himself. (They have a sister who's 17, too, but this is about boys, so I'm leaving her out of this.)

From the time Kirby was born, we gave him choices. We offered him two or more foods, let him sleep where he was comfortable, let him choose his clothes, let him veto the music in the car if he didn't like it. When there were two boys, they were Sesame Street fans, and played Ninja Turtles and Lego and ran around in costumes in the back yard and at the park with other La Leche League kids, and then other unschoolers.

They got bigger every day, as did their options. Kirby studied karate for many years, and eventually taught the children's classes at the dojo. Marty tried karate, but decided to go to ice hockey instead, for a while, and ended up roller blading and being very involved in the Society for Creative Anachronism. We gave them rides and entry fees and equipment and encouragement.

At home, we watched movies, played games, sang, built things and talked about life and fantasies and the world. They found music and movies the rest of us wouldn't have known about. They hung around collectible card shops and gaming stores. We went to medieval-themed campouts and feasts.

Time flies when so much is going on, and they were getting tall, and a little hairy. When Kirby turned 14 he was offered a real job in a gaming shop, running the Pokemon League from 8:00 to noon every Saturday. Gradually they gave him more hours and responsibility. The day he turned 16, they gave him a key to the store. Before 16, the insurance wouldn't have covered him being there alone. He worked in that store for five years.

When Marty was 15, he was offered a job working for a bootmaker, doing boots and pouches for historical re-enactment groups. When he was 17, he worked full-time in a grocery store, walking distance from our house. I loved going shopping and hearing the checkers and other workers say, "Oh! You're Marty's mom. We *love* Marty!"

We weren't doing things with the thought of getting our kids jobs. What got them jobs was that they were out and about, interested, interesting and helpful. When Kirby was twelve and thirteen, he used to help pick the chairs up after the Pokemon tournaments, and he was good at understanding rules, and was able to make other kids feel better and have more fun. He would help vacuum the shop, and help fold the monthly schedules for mailing out. When Marty was in his early teens, he would help people willingly and cheerfully at our many campouts, and at tournaments in town. He smiled and he was happy to be there.

I didn't know that just being good guys with free time could lead to jobs, but it did. Looking back, I think the best advice I can give parents of boys who are concerned that they might not become men is this: Consider them to be whole, no matter how old they are. Treat them with respect and find ways for them to be around as many people and situations as you can, and whenever possible let them make choices about how long to be out and when to go home; what to attempt and what to stall off on; what to start and what to quit.

A rich and busy life can lead to unexpected benefits, and even if nothing remarkable happens, you will have had a rich and busy life with your sons. Few parents have that. Few men grew up in the warmth of smiles and approval and opportunities to explore or to stay home.

Sometimes people ask how homeschooled children will move out into the world. Our children were never anywhere but in the world. They were present with us as much as they wanted to be. We let them be other places, without us, when they wanted to be. The world was always all around them, and they were always in their place in the world.