Coming Soon! BuildingBoys

I've been pretty quiet here lately, but that's because I'm building something much bigger and better. (I know: I sound like an infomercial, don't I?)

I've been blogging 'bout boys here for 4 years now, and while I've thoroughly enjoyed the adventure, I think it's time to expand the conversation. I can write about boys all day long, but I will never truly know what it's like to be a boy. I can tell you what I think boys need and want, based on my experience and research, but I can't tell you what it's like to be a boy today. I can't honestly tell you what boys need, because 1) I'm not a boy and 2) every boy is different. There is no blueprint for raising boys! 

That's why I'm getting ready to launch BuildingBoys.net. The site, which will launch on July 22, will be a one-stop resource for anyone who's interested in helping build boys into happy, healthy human beings. It will include information and strategies that parents, educators and concerned citizens can use to help boys learn, grow and stay healthy. And it will include the voices of boys! BuildingBoys will include regular input from a panel of regular boys who will answer questions such as Why do boys enjoy fart jokes? (Got a question of your own? You'll be able to enter it on the site, and hear a real explanation from real boys.) The boys will also occasionally post their thought and opinions about boys' issues, education and life.

The new site will include video too, and expert input from educators, healthcare providers and fellow parents. It'll include a lot of great content from Blogging 'Bout Boys too; looking back, I realized that we've generated some useful conversations here, so I'll be migrating a lot of content from here to BuidlingBoys.

I hope you'll follow me. I hope you'll tell your friends. I'm excited about this new venture, and I hope you are too.

Got some ideas for my new site? Leave a comment below! I'd love to hear about what kind of features and information you'd like to see on a site about boys. 

Boys & Birth Control

Photo by robertelyov via Flickr

1 out of 5 sexually active teenage boys does not receive info regarding condom usage or birth control from their parents, doctors or teachers.

That's according to a report by the Center for Advancing Health. The report, which looked at sexually active teens between the ages of 13 and 19, found that parents were the most likely source of  information regarding birth control and sexual health. 43 percent of the males said that their parents shared info with them regarding birth control, and 66 percent of the males said their parents shared information about sexually transmitted diseases. Only 1/3 said they got similar information from their healthcare providers. 

Think about those numbers for a minute. 43 percent of the sexually active boys said that they'd received info about birth control from their parents or teachers. That means that 57 percent of sexually active teenage boys had not gotten any info about birth control from a parent or teacher, and the odds are good that that didn't hear anything from their doctor either. 44 percent of sexually active teenage boys didn't have info about sexually transmitted diseases, at least not from a reliable source such as a parent, teacher or healthcare provider.

Those numbers are terrible. Those numbers are shameful. 

Our boys NEED information about sex and sexual health. They need to know how to protect themselves and a partner from sexually transmitted diseases or unwanted pregnancy. And they need that information whether or not they are sexually active at the moment, because the odds are extremely, very,very good that they will become sexually active at some point.

As a nurse, as a health writer and as an advocate for boys, I strongly believe that 100 percent of teenage boys should not only have information about sexual health, birth control and STD prevention, but that they should also have easy access to condoms  -- not because I want to encourage teen boys to have sex, but because I'm a realist. At some point, those boys-becoming-men will have sex, and I want them to have all of the tools and knowledge they need to keep themselves (and their partners) safe.

As a parent, though, I realize it's not easy. It is much easier for me, as a nurse, health writer and advocate, to say that all boys should have that info -- and much harder for me to actually sit down and talk to my boys about these topics. Much harder to discern when I should make condoms available. Much harder to decide how much information to share, and when. 

So know this: It's OK to be uncomfortable. It's OK to stumble through these questions and discussions, and OK to veer from too little to too much info and back again. Talking to kids about sex is hard because all kids, all parents and all families are different. As a blogger, I have the luxury of talking in generalities: You should talk to your boys about sex. As a parent, you have the difficult job of tailoring the information to your child, of figuring out what to say when and how to present the info in such a way that your kid might actually take it in. 

I can't tell you how to do that. I can't tell you exactly when or how to bring up birth control with your boys. (Though I'm happy to field any questions, and will share some suggestions in a future post.) What I can tell you is that discomfort is no excuse. It is simply irresponsible to send our sons out into the world without solid knowledge of sexual health and birth control.

So be uncomfortable. Stumble through the presentation. Be willing to be awkward and presumptuous. TALK TO YOUR BOYS about sex, and make sure they understand the mechanics of sex and conception and birth control and STD prevention. (They need to know about the emotional and ethical components of sex too, but I'll save that for another post.) 

Before your boys leave your house -- hopefully, well before -- your boys need to know how to protect their sexual health. 

The Business of Baby

I'm thinking 'bout babies today. Could be because my extended family just welcomed a new baby boy to the family. (Yesterday!) Could be because Jennifer Margulis' new book, The Business of Baby, came out yesterday. Or because I'm passionate about pregnancy and birth. Most likely, it's because it all goes together.

My brother and sister-in-law did not have the birth experience of their dreams yesterday. My brother, like most modern dads, imagined being in the room at the moment of his baby's birth. He wanted to support his wife. And he wanted to see and hold his baby as soon as humanly possible.

That didn't happen. Instead, he waited, alone and distraught in a waiting room while his wife underwent a C-section under general anesthesia.

Baby and Mom and Dad are fine -- and I'm thankful for that! But the whole thing got me thinking, once again, about the importance of information. Because these are the facts about birth in America, circa 2013:

• At least 1/3 of births are via Cesearan. Rates vary from hospital to hospital, with some hospitals having C-section rates of less than 10%, while other deliver nearly 70% of their babies via C-section. 
• Almost 1 in 4 women have their labor artificially induced. The rate of labor induction increased 140% between 1990 and 2007 (the most recent year for which I could find data).
• Labor inductions and C-sections contribute to infant prematurity and health problems. As the number of C-sections and inductions has increased, so have NICU admissions. The link is so stark and startling that medical experts recommend avoiding labor induction or a C-section before 39 weeks of gestation unless absolutely necessary. 
• More women die of childbirth-related complications now than in 1987. In 1987, the maternal mortality rate in the U.S. was 6.6 per 100,000 live births. In 2006 (the last year for which data is available), the maternal mortality rate was 12.7 per 100,000 live births. 

Expectant parents today have to navigate their way through a birth climate and industry that is infinitely more complex than it was in the past. There are SO many more options, ranging from prenatal tests to delivery choices, and parents-to-be are regularly asked to make decisions that affect the health of their baby and family.

Information is key, I think, to informed choices, and that's where The Business of Baby comes in. Margulis' book explores some of the not-often-talked about facts of pregnancy and birth and baby care. She covers everything from prenatal care options to birthing practices, infant feeding, diapering, vaccinations and well-child care, and she does it by analyzing the available evidence to support (or not support) what have become routine American practices. She finds that many routine practices are not grounded in science at all.

That's a startling statement, in and of itself.

But Margulis goes further. The evidence she finds strongly suggests that profit motives -- not science -- underlie what have become routine recommendations.

Whether or not you agree with or ultimately accept all of Margulis' conclusions, I believe that all expectant parents (and anyone who cares about birth in the United States) should read The Business of Baby. The only way to make informed decisions is to gather knowledge, and The Business of Baby brings to light a lot of important information.

Have a question for Business of Baby author Jennifer Margulis? Leave it in the comment section below. She'll be visiting Blogging 'Bout Boys in the near future to answer your questions.

Full disclosure: Jennifer Margulis and I are both members of the American Society of Journalists and Authors. I'm also quoted in Chapter 7 of The Business of Baby. 

Invest in Families, Not Meds

We’ve decided as a society that it’s too expensive to modify the kid’s environment. So we have to modify the kid.
     -- Dr. Michael Anderson, quoted in today's NYT

If that quote doesn't send chills up your spine, I don't know what will.

Dr. Anderson (and other docs, also quoted in the NYT) are prescribing ADHD medications -- stimulants -- to  help young, low-income kids function in school.


Photo by Arenamontanous via Flickr

Let me repeat that again: Doctors are prescribing high-powered stimulant medication to young children because, in many cases, they feel it's the kids' best chance. These kids are poor. They live in low-income communities and attend low-income, often poor-quality, schools. And our politicians and public have decided that it's far too expensive to improve the kids' living circumstances or schools, so these kids are living -- and trying to learn -- in sub-par environments. The kids' school environment isn't likely to change. The families' financial situations are not likely to change. So the docs are using one of the only tools at their disposal: they're prescribing stimulant medication, which has been shown to improve school performance. These docs know that education is the kids' best chance at a better future, and they knew that the odds of the schools and communities suddenly meeting the very real needs of these kids and families is infintesimal. So they prescribe the meds.

 “We might not know the long-term effects [of stimulant use in young children], but we do know the short-term costs of school failure, which are real. I am looking to the individual person and where they are right now," Dr. Anderson says in the NYT article, Attention Disorder or Not, Pills to Help in School.

I am outraged. Outraged! OUTRAGED!

We value our children so little in this society that we would rather stuff drugs into their young bodies and brains than invest in programs and policies that could improve their world.

And boys may be disproportionately feeling the effects of this resistance to investing in kids' well-being. According to The Boys Initiative, 3 times as many boys as girls are diagnosed with ADHD. Who knows how many of them actually have ADHD, and how many are simply prescribed the drugs as a way of helping them fit into an educational mold that doesn't fully consider their needs? In the Times article, Dr. Anderson says "the children he sees with academic problems are essentially 'mismatched with their environment.'"

I've written before about the mis-match between boys and school. (Most recently, in Boys & School.)
And I've written before about the need to support families if we want children to succeed in school. (Most recently, in Supporting Families & Education.)

But I'm frustrated. I can write about these topics until my fingers are numb, but unless and until our society begins to recognize the importance of families, and value children, it will all be for naught. Our children, and our boys in particular, will continue to suffer.

We can talk all day about the importance of individual responsbility, and the role of government, and still get nowhere. Because at the end of the day, American is still a country that is long on talk and short on support. We say our children are the future, but vote down school referendums, demonize teachers and stash our children in big-box institutions that may or may not meet our kids' needs so we can work and earn the almighty dollar. We say that parenthood is an honorable profession, but refuse to support policies that would allow parents to spend meaningful time with their children.

We refuse to admit that raising great kids takes time. And we refuse to admit that it's important to invest in all kids.

Kids in poor neighborhoods are not throw-aways. They are kids, just like yours. It doesn't matter what their parents did or didn't do. It doesn't matter what their grandparents did or didn't do. What matters is that they have needs and desires and potential, and we, as a society, as turning away from them.

We are stuffing meds down their gullet instead of working to improve their lives.

That has to stop.

I can't stop this neglect alone. But I can, and will, write about it. I can, and will, work within my community to make sure that families have the resources they need to thrive. And I can -- and will -- vote for policies and politicians that support kids and families.

Our kids deserve support, not pharmaceutical shortcuts.

Junior Seau, Sports Illustrated & Playing Thru Pain

If you follow football (or the national news), you probably know that former NFL great Junior Seau committed suicide recently. He was just 43.

News reports speculate that repeated brain trauma, the result of years in football, may have contributed to his self-inflicted death. As a healthcare writer and nurse, I find that possibility intriguing, and am glad that Seau's family has donated his brain for research. If repeated head injuries are indeed causing long-term, life-affecting damage to football players, it's time to rethink the American approach to football.

But at least one Sports Illustrated writer suspects head injuries may not completely and totally explain former football players' higher rates of depression, or Seau's suicide. In the May 14 issue of SI, Peter King writes:

I've been wondering about our part in all of this. The media's part, the hero-creating part, the Seau-as-superhero part. Did we lionize Seau for his toughness to the point where it was impossible for him to even consider asking for help?

It's a poignant, and important, question.

Seau was revered, in part, for his ability to play through pain. Article after article, including some penned by King, played up  and celebrated that tendency. But in hindsight, King wonders if that wasn't a mistake:

...when you don't acknowledge pain in your professional life for years and years, how will ever acknowledge pain when the cheering stops?...for that reason, I know I'll be a lot more careful about praising men as heroes for playing with injuries they shouldn't be playing with.

Amen!

Our culture praises boys and men who solider on, in spite of their pain. It's part of the Boy Code. Boys are expected to push down their pain and keep going, no matter what. Those who do -- like Seau -- are lauded and honored. Those who 'fess up to their pain, who admit that they can't go on anymore or that they need a break, as labeled as whiners and viewed as weak.

Think about the message that sends to our sons!

That's part of what Kate Stone Lombardi wrote about in her book, The Mama's Boy Myth. Mamas, she argues, are particularly well-placed to expand their sons' definitions of masculinity, to let them know that it's not weakness to express pain.

It's a message our boys need to hear. Clearly, most of them won't grow up to be NFL players. Most won't ever have to deal with the physical ramifications and lingering pain that result from a life of football. But all of our boys, at some point in time, will experience physical or psychological pain, and our sons need to know it's OK to admit it, and to get help. The consequences of not doing so are stark. Consider:

• Men are much less likely than women to visit a doctor.  Studies indicate that men often delay seeking medical care. As a result, their symptoms are usually more pronounced when they finally seek care -- and their diseases more advanced. "Macho" men are half as likely as other men to pursue recommended medical care.
• Men are less likely to see help for depression. Women are much more likely than men to be diagnosed with depression, but that doesn't mean that women are more likely to be clinically depressed than men. Rather, many researchers suspect that men fail to seek help for depression, and instead turn to alcohol, drugs or other unhealthy behaviors. Is it any surprise, then, that the male suicide rate is 4 times that of women?

Think about those statistics the next time you're tempted to tell your son to "stop crying." Or the next time you're tempted to tell your son to "shake it off and get back in the game." Think of those statistics the next time an NFL announcer goes on and on about a player who's playing through pain. Think about those messages, and have some honest conversations with your sons.

But don't stop there. Show your sons, through your words and your deeds, that it's OK to seek help.
Better than OK, in fact. Let him know that admitting, confronting and seeking help for a problem is the manly thing to do.

Why My Boys are Getting Gardisil -- and Why Yours Should Too

Have you heard of Gardisil? It's one of the two HPV vaccines that are currently on the market. (The other is Cervarix.) HPV, or human papilloma virus, is shorthand for a number of HPV strains that are known to cause cancer.

Put the pieces together. HPV causes cancer. There are two effective HPV -- cancer preventing! -- vaccines on the market. Why are we not jumping up and down about this news?

Instead, everyone from Michelle Bachmann to the parent down the street is weighing in on the merits and dangers of the vaccine. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) recently upped the ante when they recommended routinely vaccinating boys as well as girls.

That recommendation doesn't make sense to some parents. After all, doesn't HPV cause cervical cancer?

Well, it does. But did you know that HPV is now a leading cause of head and neck cancers as well? Or that it can cause penile and anal cancer also?

According to the CDC, each year in the U.S.:

• 1,500 women and 5,600 men get HPV-associated oropharyngeal cancers (cancers of the back of throat including base of tongue and tonsils)
• 400 men get HPV-associated penile cancer
• 2,700 women and 1,500 men get HPV-associated anal cancer

Traditionally, smoking and tobacco usage were the main causes of head and neck cancers. But experts say that's changing. In a recent interview, Dr. Gregory Weinstein of the University of Pennsylvania told me that the number of oropharyngeal cancers is rising, and that head and neck cancers are increasingly occurring in younger patients.

Think about that for a bit. HPV is incredibly common; medical experts say that up to 50% of the sexually active population will be infected with HPV at some point. And oral sex is increasingly common among teenagers. According to the CDC, between 2006 and 2008, 48.4% of males between that ages of 15 and 19 have had oral sex with a female. 44.6% of 15 to 19 year-old girls have had oral sex with a male.

Not surprisingly, the numbers increase as the teens grow into adults. By adulthood, the number of people who have had oral sex hovers around 90 percent.

So, statistically-speaking, my boys -- and yours --are at risk for oral exposure to HPV. There's no guarantee that HPV exposure will result in oral cancer; researchers are still trying to determine why some people seem to clear with virus from their bodies without problem, while others go on to develop pre-cancerous and cancerous lesions. But given what we know now -- HPV can cause cancer, HPV is sexually transmitted and is virtually endemic in the population -- why wouldn't I take steps now to protect my sons' health?

Yes, there are some risks to the HPV-vaccine. There are also a lot of misconceptions about the vaccine. For a balanced look at the issues, check out this news story by NPR.

Bottom line: I'm getting my boys vaccinated against HPV. I'm doing it for them, and I'm doing it for their future sex partners as well.


How about you? Have your boys gotten the HPV vaccine?

Circumcision Ban?

For years, the decision whether or not to circumcise a boy has been a private matter. Sometimes, religion gets involved, but when you come right down to it (ha!), the decision to circumcise or not is made by mom and dad.

Voters in San Francisco may soon take the decision out of parents' hands. According to the L.A. Times, a November referendum will seek to ban the procedure. Proponents of the ban -- self-described "intactivists" -- argue that male circumcision is the equivalent of female genital mutilation, which is outlawed in the United States. They also state that there's no convincing medical reason for circumcision, at least not here in the developed world.

Opponents of the ban, including rabbis and concerned parents, contend that the ban would infringe upon personal and religious freedom. They point to studies that note decreased HIV and HPV infection rates in circumcised men. And --somewhat desperately -- they note that "90% [of nurses surveyed on a geriatric unit ] were strongly in favor of circumcision because it was difficult to bathe uncircumcised men in their 90s."

Ok. My bias is going to show at this point.

I've been a nurse in a geriatric unit. I've bathed men in their 90s. I even assisted on a bedside-circumcision of a man in his 90s. (He needed the circ because his foreskin had adhered to his penis and would not allow the passage of a catheter, which was needed for medical reasons.) But to say we should base a medical decision affecting a baby on what might happen to in his 90s?? That's stretching things.

Circumcision rates have been dropping in this country. According to the CDC, 56% of baby boys were circumcised in 2006. In 2009, that number was only 32.5%. (Note: that statistic does not include circumcisions performed out of hospitals, such as a bris.) If the ban goes through in San Francisco, the number will be even lower.

Personally, I'm pretty clearly anti-circumcision. (Despite the fact that I wrote a blog post called 'Another Reason You Might Circumcise,' I clearly stated that even given the new research, I would refuse to have my sons circumcised.) As a homeschooler, though, I'm also anti-government intervention into families' lives. HOWEVER...it occurs to me that the circumcision ban isn't a matter of denying parents their rights as much as it is protecting a human who is unable to speak for himself.

What do you think of the proposed circumcision ban?

Teens and Mental Illness

How do you know when your son's behavior crosses the line from typical teen to troubled? When -- and how -- should you intervene?

This Wall Street Journal article has some answers.

Have you ever dealt with a depressed teen? What have your experiences been with boys and the mental health system?

Best of the Blogs: Parenting

Parenting is hard work -- but maybe not as hard as we make it. In Why Good Parenting is Less Work Than You Think, blogger Denise Schipani writes about some intriguing new research that suggests parents may have far less power over their kids' potential than we've been led to believe. It's an especially great read if you happen to have more than the typical 1.86 children.

Of course, parenting involves many decisions, from the mundane (do I let them watch one more TV show?) to the serious (is he mature enough to drive?). Mommy Minute tackles one of the more mundane issues in Raising Nature-Loving Boys in the Age of Wii, while Peggy Sue Brister examines boy-parents' first big decision, To Circumcise or Not to Circumcise?

Kris at Weird, Unsocialized Homeschoolers is one of the wisest parents I know (even if she is weird and unsocialized!) Her latest act of parenting brilliance is Time for Mom. Stop over and see what she's been doing.

Birth Control and Boys

According to the latest study by the Centers for Disease Control, 40% of teens aged 15 to 19 have had sex at least once. 81% of boys who engaged in sex reported using birth control during their first sexual encounter.

That's the good news, I suppose. Most of our teens are not having sex, and the vast majority of those who are sexually active are taking steps to protect their health and prevent pregnancy.

Buried in the "good news," though, is an extremely disturbing nugget of information: 18% of the boys surveyed said they would be a "little pleased" or "very pleased" if their sexual encounters resulted in a pregnancy.

Take a minute for that to sink in.

Almost one-fifth of the boys surveyed -- boys aged 15 to 19 -- would be happy if they impregnated a girl. Why??? Because it proves their manliness? Their virility? Because they hope to leave a lasting mark on the world? Whatever their misguided reasons, we need to get one message through to our boys, loud and clear: Making a baby does not make you a man. Living up to your responsibilities, whatever those responsibilities might be, makes you a man.

Kimberly Spector, an LA-based adolescent-health educator quoted in a WebMD story about the study said, "This report shows us that if we as educators and parents are going to take a wholistic approach to sex education, one that addresses all of the risks and most completely informs our students and children, we are going to have to start talking more in depth about the realities of parenting. Teenagers need to know that having babies is not just about cuteness, love, and a lasting relationship with a significant other, but also about dirty diapers, sleepless nights, increasing expenses, and often, emotional exhaustion."

The truth of her words is stunning in its simplicity. We need to teach our kids that sex may result in parenting.

I'm a proponent of open and honest conversations about sex and birth control. I firmly believe that our children need to know about sexually transmitted diseases and birth control options, because like it or not, we can't control our children's behavior. We can, however, influence their behavior, and maybe that's where we've been slacking off.

Most modern sex ed programs focus on mechanics, diseases and birth control methods. But how much time really is spent drumming in the idea that sex leads to babies, which leads to parenting? It's almost as if that reality has gotten lost in the details. It's a hard concept to teach -- I mean, how many of us really understood how difficult parenting would be? -- but one that's absolutely essential. Our boys need to know that sex doesn't end with making a baby, that making a baby is just the beginning.

On the other hand, I don't want our children indoctrinated with the inconveniences of parenting. Yes, having a baby results in dirty diapers, sleepless nights, increased expenses, and often, emotional exhaustion. But parenting can also be the greatest adventure of one's life, an opportunity for personal growth like no other. The hitch, though, is that you have to be ready. To fully partake in the joys of parenting, you have to be ready to set aside your own needs to focus on those of another, and that requires a maturity that most teens simply don't have.

As always, our kids are learning from us. My boys, especially the older ones, understand all too well that parenting is hard work, because they see me doing it day in and day out. They know that toddlers are extremely demanding little creatures because they've seen me deal with their highly persistent and strong-willed little brother. They also see, however, the deep love I have for each of my children, and I frequently talk about ways parenting has changed my life for the better. We also talk very candidly about teen sex, especially during teachable moments. FOX's hit TV show Glee contains a teen pregnancy story line, and we talk about it. Slowly, gradually, I think my boys are getting the message.

What about you? Do you think boys today "get" the idea that sex leads to parenting? What do you think needs to be done to improve our sons' sexual education?

Memorial Day injuries

As we prepare to embark on a three-day weekend, I have three words for you: 1. Enjoy!
2 & 3. Be careful.

The number of injuries spikes over Memorial Day weekend, especially for boys. A review of records from 1997 to 2006 found that injuries are indeed more common on holiday weekends, with Memorial Day and Labor Day topping the list of dangerous holiday weekends. Most of the injuries, however, are not specifically event-related (say, a fireworks injury on July 4th). Most of the injuries are simply the result of active, outside activities, such as biking.

Boys suffered 62 percent of the reported injuries.

Older youth are particularly at risk for drinking-related injuries. The Drug Abuse Warning Network (DAWN) found that ER visits related to underage drinking increase by 11% over the Memorial Day weekend.

So have fun, but keep a close watch on your boys. Let's make this a safe and enjoyable holiday for all!

Childhood Depression

Could your son be depressed?

My good friend and fellow blogger, Sarah E. Ludwig, has a terrific article about childhood depression in Parenting magazine. Among her points:

• Childhood depression is more common than you may think. 1 in 20 children and teens are clinically depressed.
• Depression is often masked by other issues. ADHD, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder may all occur in conjunction with depression.
• Irritability can be a major sign of depression in kids. Sure, we all expect some irritability from our children as they approach their teen years, but a kid who's constantly annoyed and irritated may actually be depressed.
• Early diagnosis and treatment is key. Prolonged untreated depression, Sarah writes, can actually change the shape of the brain.

If you think your son may be depressed, get him help NOW. (You can find a list of symptoms here.) Help doesn't necessarily mean anti-depressants, although anti-depressant have been used effectively in children. Help can include cognitive behavioral therapy, coping skills and emotional support.

Of course, not all depressed kids require years of psychotherapy or medication. Some kids experience transient situational depression, a natural response to a traumatic event. And some kids are only mildly depressed; with time and attention, their depression may resolve in weeks. Other children, however, struggle with a despair so dark and deep that it feels unending. A professional can help you determine the severity of your child's depression and plan appropriate treatment.

Have you dealt with childhood depression? I'd love to hear your story.

Snapshot Sunday: First Demonstration Speech

I love 4H. Beyond giving kids an opportunity to explore multiple interests under adult mentors, 4H stresses public speaking skills from an early age. In our county, every 4H member, from first-year Cloverbuds to practically-graduated high school seniors, must give a demonstration speech every year. This is Boy #3's first year in 4H, and at the age of 6, he was more than a little nervous at the idea of talking in front of a group of people. But he did it! His "How to Make Nachos" speech was a huge hit.

Interesting side note: While he gave his speech, Boy #2 was at home on the couch with the neighbors, with what we'd later learn was an inflamed appendix. Life!

Boys & Healthcare

We've been spending lots of time at the doctor's office lately. Boy #1 has headaches -- sometimes pretty scary, severe ones. He's also been battling strep throat and an upper respiratory infection....which means that everyone is now sniffling and coughing. Friday was the only day this week we weren't at a doctor's office. Of course, I spent part of that morning on the phone, making sure medical records were in place and ready for the next doctor's appointment -- on Monday.

Which got me thinking about boys and healthcare. Boys have plenty of health risks. They're:

• 3 times more likely than girls to be diagnosed with ADHD
• 4 times more likely to be diagnosed with autism
• More likely to have asthma, headaches and depression, at least pre-puberty. (After puberty, girl experience more asthmatic episodes, headaches and depression than boys.)
• More likely to experience sports injuries, after puberty

But by the time they're teens, boys rarely visit the doctor. Why? Lack of insurance is surely part of the issue; millions of American boys are uninsured. Millions more are under-insured. For them, visiting the doctor means forgoing some other necessity.

Millions of boys also believe that seeing a doctor somehow makes them less manly. Research has shown that men who embrace traditional beliefs about masculinity are 50% less likely to go to the doctor. Somehow, these men have confused strength with stupidity.

So how do we break the cycle? How do teach our boys to value their health? Any ideas?

Caffeine Affects Boys More Than Girls?

So say the headlines. But when I read the article, I was leery.

Concerned about the growing epidemic of soft drink consumption among American teens, researchers at the University of Buffalo conducted a study to assess boys' and girls' response to caffeine. What the researchers found was that boys were would work significantly longer at a computer game to win a caffeinated soda than girls would.

According to a Discovery News story, "Jennifer R. Temple, lead researcher and neurobiologist at University of Buffalo, said she expected caffeinated drinks to work most strongly on those in the study who routinely consumed the most caffeine, regardless of sex. Instead, the results revealed a relationship between gender and the desire for caffeinated soda.

"We aren't sure (why boys responded more), but we speculate that it could have to do with circulating hormones and their effect on the metabolism of caffeine," Temple said.

Um, maybe because oodles of research and anecodotal evidence suggests that boys are more attracted to video games than girls?

For more info about the study, click here.

Sometimes, It's Best to Wait

We've talked about potty training before, so you may already know that my basic philosopy is to follow the child:

Four boys into parenting, I'm convinced that you can't teach a child to go on the potty. Of course, if you've been around awhile, you probably already know that I don't think you can teach a child anything.

You can facilitate a child's learning. You can provide materials and answer questions. You can even show him how something is done. But to say you can teach him something -- which many people seem to define as getting a child to do what you want him to do, when you want him to do it -- seems to ignore the basic fact that the child is part of the equation as well.

I can throw all the information and knowledge in the world at a kid, but if he's not developmentally, emotionally, cognitively or physically ready to receive it, he's not going to "learn" a darn thing.

Which leads me to @cfoutz. Her blog post, Bringing Back Diapers, should be required reading for anyone thinking of imposing potty training on a child.

Long story short, her 3 1/2-year-old son was willing to sit on the potty for his preschool teacher, but not his parents. He liked his big-boy underwear, but wasn't so crazy about using the potty. So he didn't. For 33 whole hours. He ended up in the emergency room.

All is well -- her little guy peed just after the ultrasound technician scanned his bladder -- and his parents have decided to heed his very loud signals. 3 1/2-year-old boy is now back in diapers.

@cfoutz, of course, felt terrible about the whole thing:

During all of this I was a mess of guilt and frustration. I was crying to my mother that I felt so bad but was doing all I could do. There are just no books for a kid like him. The only books that talk about strong-willed kids talk about discipline or just living with them and understanding them. No one talks about the other things, like the weaning off things, toilet learning, sleeping alone, etc. There are no guides for parents like me.

Don't get me wrong: I think there's a time and place for parental advice columns and parenting books and magazines. As parents, we need all the information we can get. But no book, column, article or expert will ever tell you what your child needs. Your child is the only one who can tell you that, and you, as his parent, are uniquely equipped to interpret his needs. Together, you can find the path that takes him exactly where he needs to go.

Your job is to listen.

Books 'Bout Boys: Packaging Boyhood

Like it or not, the media has a massive effect on today's boys.
That's why I was so excited to see Packaging Boyhood: Saving Our Sons from Superheroes, Slackers and Other Media Stereotypes, a new book by Lyn Mikel Brown, Sharon Lamb and Mark Tappan. Today, they share with us an excerpt about boys and drinking -- and as a resident of Wisconsin, a state that consistently leads the nation in binge drinking, I agree that it's high time we started paying attention to the unconscious messages we send our sons.

According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, males age 12 or older report higher rates than females for all measures of alcohol use and abuse, including binge drinking and alcohol dependence.

No wonder. The party-hardy atmosphere is everywhere they are – from about age 5 and up. We’re not talking about the ubiquitous beer commercials during Monday Night Football, the crazy liquored-up antics on VH-1 or MTV reality shows, or even the champagne drinking players in rap videos. We’re talking cartoons, G-rated films, and tween TV. Whether it’s the Poison Apple Pub in Shrek or the cool bar on the beach where the Madagascar friends hang out, socializing in animated films often means drinking.

And just like it is in real life, over-indulging leads to trouble-making and stupid behavior. Elliot the deer and Boog the bear, two buddies in the animated film Open Season, trash a country store after getting “drunk” on candy bars. Buzz Lightyear drinks too much “tea” in Toy Story, and his friend Woody tries to sober him up. In his movie, SpongeBob SquarePants has a terrible hangover from his ice-cream bender of the night before.

But why let the elementary school set have all the fun? Nothing says cool to a “tweenager” more than a good out of control party. TV shows targeting tweens help kids imagine being a mythic teenager; you know, the guy who has the hot babes and the fun parties, who hangs in clubs, dorms, and other places where there are no pesky, dopey, intrusive, nagging parents; the guy who has no homework or after school job and who doesn’t actually work hard at anything.

That’s why the boys in The Naked Brothers Band, a Nick show about a group of precocious preteens living the rock star dream, do their best to imitate the kinds of problems parents are trying to control. In their first movie, a mockumentary of their rock star rise to fame, then six-year-old bad boy drummer Alex develops a lemon-lime soda addiction. When their original band breaks up, he binges in a bar scene, chugging like a frat boy, and ends up in a luxury rehabilitation Soda-holics at Sea program.

Then there’s bad boy Zack on The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, a show about twin tweens living it up in a luxury hotel (the new version of the show has them living it up on a luxury cruise ship—more babes in bikinis!), who sets up his own underage dance club in the hotel lounge. The boy “bartender” pushes sugary soda to shy, nice girl, Barbara, and after chugging root beer – “Hit me again!” – she takes her hair down, whips off her glasses and starts dancing suggestively while the crowd shouts, “Go Barbara! Go Barbara!” It’s a nerdy boy’s dream when she staggers to Cody and kisses him hard on the mouth.

Most of these preteen shows feature 8-14 year olds running their own lives in a world created for them by adult writers who know how to create a pseudo-sanitized version of Entourage. All the themes, expectations, and desires are there—but it’s okay because the drinks they’re chugging aren’t really alcoholic and the come-ons and references to hot girls don’t really lead to the party-house bedroom. But there’s no missing the staggering around and slurred speech or the wild, loose behavior as anything but an imitation of the real thing.

So what’s a parent to do? Watch these shows and movies with your son. Help him understand what’s really being sold with those funny antics and silly situations, and discuss the behavior you see.

Here are a few “typical boy” behaviors to look out for in his media:

Koolaid or soda chugging in ways that suggest chugging a beer;
Doing "jello shots", even when it's just jello.
Getting crazy, acting goofy or doing stupid things after drinking sugary sodas or some other beverage.
Sharing woes or drowning troubles in a bar or saloon;
Living a party social life in clubs, dorms, or on the beach, chilling with sodas or drinks in beer mugs, champagne flutes, or cocktail glasses.

It will be nearly impossible to protect him from a “drinking is a rite of passage for boys” media message, so start these conversations early. Put his natural powers of observation to work, teach him to question advertising, and help him know when to say no to this version of “boys will be boys” behavior!

Lyn Mikel Brown, Ed.D., Sharon Lamb Ed.D., and Mark Tappan, Ed.D. are authors of Packaging Boyhood: Saving Our Sons From Superheroes, Slackers, and Other Media Stereotypes.

Are Plastics Turning Boys Into Girls?

Ok, that might be a bit inflammatory. But the recent news that in-utero exposure to phthalates affects boys' play preferences in preschool is big news all the same.

The study tracked 145 pregnant women and, ultimately, their sons. Researchers measured the phthalate content of the mothers' urine and then later asked the mothers questions about their sons' play behavior between the ages of three and six. The findings? The boys whose mothers were exposed to the highest levels of phthalates were five times more likely to have a less-masculine play score.

Before you get all up in arms about "male" or "female" play, consider your own sons. I'm guessing that most of them showed a proclivity for guns long before you introduced weapons to your home. I'm guessing that most of them made truck noises well before their second birthday.

The scientific truth is that male and female brains are different -- and boy brains are wired to show a preference for motion (trucks) over faces (dolls). Researchers speculate that phthalates not only alter the development male reproductive system but the male brain as well.

Pretty scary stuff, especially when you consider this.

I've never really given much thought to phthalates, despite the negative headlines, simply because I don't have the time to worry about everything. But given this latest study, I think it might make sense to decrease our exposure. Step number one? Changing our shower curtain.

Are you concerned about phthalate exposure? What steps, if any, are you taking to decrease your sons' exposure to toxic chemicals?

Poll: Boys & Birth

Looks like we're all over the place when it comes to boys and birth.

After watching the Internet's first live birth, I asked if you'd be OK with your son watching a birth. All in all, we're in favor of it: 28% said 'Yes, definitely," while another 21 % said your son has already seen a birth. An additional 14% have seen a birth on TV.

I myself fall into the fuzzy "Yes, theorectically" category (21%). Let me explain. While I have no problem whatsoever with my boys being exposed to the realities of birth -- and indeed have already looked at some pretty wonderful pictures with the boys -- I answered from the perspective of a mom considering having her sons at her next birth. (Full disclosure: I am most definitely not pregnant.)

I'm pretty liberal in my birthing beliefs. I'm all about natural childbirth and labor support, and fully believe that birth is a natural part of life. My last two children were born at Wisconsin's first free-standing birth center; if I'd lived closer, I would have seriously considered having Boy #4 at home.

But. I know my boys, and I know myself. I know that I can hardly think sometimes when they're in the room. I know that it is next-to-impossible for me to release my sense of responsibility to them. And I know that when I'm in labor, I need to concentrate. So ultimately, although I love the idea of kids being present at birth to welcome their newest sibling, I concluded that having my boys around during an actual labor and birth would be far too stressful for me. For me; you may feel differently.

I also know my boys, and I know that sitting quietly (or even in a relatively subdued manner) is not their thing. While our birth center features a fabulous family room, complete with TV, DVD player and games, I knew my boys would quickly tire of the whole thing. My boys, I concluded, would be more comfortable at home.

And that's where a home birth comes in. If I'd labored at home, if I had someone around to watch, look out for and otherwise run interference with my boys, I would have welcomed my sons at their brothers' births. At home, they would have been free to do what they do -- to sleep, run, play -- while not being excluded from an event central to the life of our family.

Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to have your son view a birth is highly individual. You have to consider your son, your personality and your resources. For a great article about kids and birth, click here.

Meanwhile, I'd love to hear your stories. If your son witnessed one of your births, what did he think? If he saw one on TV, what did he say? And if you answered, no, you'd rather not let your son watch a birth, why?

Snapshot Sunday: Halloween at Our House