Best of the Blogs: Boys in the News

Fridays have traditionally been Best of the Blogs day here at Blogging 'Bout Boys, a round-up of some the best boy-related blogs on the 'Net. But this week, I ran across so many fascinating news articles that I'm going to focus on news instead. (Who says journalism is dead?)

I first saw Debra-Lynn B. Hook's article, "There's Something to Be Said for Summer Vacation," in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, but apparently (and thankfully), her article ran nationwide. Hook, a mother of three, decries the push toward year 'round school. An excerpt:

My disdain...is built around the the concept of "academic achievement." Don't get me wrong. I support public education and every child having the opportunity to do well in school. What I do not support is academic achievement as the definition of childhood's success.

CNN also ran an interesting article this week, entitled, "ADHD: Who Makes the Diagnosis?" All too often, the article suggests, teachers are the ones who suggest a diagnosis of ADHD -- but only physicians are qualified to diagnose and treat the disease. Other conditions, such as depression or anxiety, can trigger similar sypmtoms but require a completely different approach. If you have a son in school, you owe it to him to learn as much as you can about ADHD; ADHD is most often diagnosed in boys and occassionally used as a catch-all diagnosis to describe boys who simply have a hard time sitting still in classroom settings.

In fact, if ADHD has ever been mentioned in relationship to your son, you deserve to know about a new study out of Duke University. As reported in the Sept. 2010 issue of Family Circle, Duke researchers strongly suggest re-assessing kids with ADHD every year. A different classroom dynamic, they say, may lesson symptoms. In fact, they found that one-third of kids with ADHD showed no trouble concentrating the following year.

Another longitudinal study suggests that personality is pretty well established by first grade. The 40-year-study, soon-to-be-reported in the the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, followed 2400 individuals from childhood to adulthood and found that "talkative youngsters tended to show interest in intellectual matters, speak fluently, try to control situations, and exhibit a high degree of intelligence as adults. Children who rated low to verbal fluency were observed as adults to seek advice, give up when faced with obstacles, and exhibit an awkward personal style."

Finally, Colin Mason's article, "Are Children The Enemy of Productivity?" expresses my experience perfectly. I have four kids, and the writing/parenting question I get most often is, "How in the world do you manage to write with all those kids around?" The logistical answer is that it's not always easy. The logistical answer includes a basement office, a shared parenting schedule and kids who know that "Mommy's doing an interview" means "stay out of my office!" But the full truth is that I wouldn't be writing without my kids. From Mason:

Children see things that we cannot see, they remind us of truths and insights that we long ago forgot. And they remind us that the greatest insights in the world were discovered not while ponderously meditating, but while delighting in the simple pleasures and pains of life...Children are a great blessing to grown-ups not simply because of the joy, the wonder, and the incredible privilege of caring for a young soul that they provide. Children are also a blessing because they are a kind of living alarm clock, telling us that it is time to wake up and seize the day.

That's the message, I think, that has gotten lost in our society's obsession with happiness. Children may or may not make us "happier," but they enhance our lives in myriad ways.

Happy browsing!

Childhood Depression

Could your son be depressed?

My good friend and fellow blogger, Sarah E. Ludwig, has a terrific article about childhood depression in Parenting magazine. Among her points:

• Childhood depression is more common than you may think. 1 in 20 children and teens are clinically depressed.
• Depression is often masked by other issues. ADHD, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder may all occur in conjunction with depression.
• Irritability can be a major sign of depression in kids. Sure, we all expect some irritability from our children as they approach their teen years, but a kid who's constantly annoyed and irritated may actually be depressed.
• Early diagnosis and treatment is key. Prolonged untreated depression, Sarah writes, can actually change the shape of the brain.

If you think your son may be depressed, get him help NOW. (You can find a list of symptoms here.) Help doesn't necessarily mean anti-depressants, although anti-depressant have been used effectively in children. Help can include cognitive behavioral therapy, coping skills and emotional support.

Of course, not all depressed kids require years of psychotherapy or medication. Some kids experience transient situational depression, a natural response to a traumatic event. And some kids are only mildly depressed; with time and attention, their depression may resolve in weeks. Other children, however, struggle with a despair so dark and deep that it feels unending. A professional can help you determine the severity of your child's depression and plan appropriate treatment.

Have you dealt with childhood depression? I'd love to hear your story.

Withholding Affection

What's more important: getting our kids to do as we say, or helping them grow into fulfilled adults?

You might argue that it's not an either/or choice, that it's fully possible for a child to obey and grow into a fulfilled adult. And yet the question is one, I think, that cuts to the core of parenting choices.

If you believe that it's most important for kids to do as you say, you're probably more likely to implement a sleep schedule for your baby. If you think it's more important for a child to grow into a fulfilled adult, I think you're more likely to pay attention to your child's individual needs. You're more likely to encourage your son's love of reading than to insist he read a certain number of minutes per day, whether or not he likes it.

This question was an important one for me today as I met resistance after resistance from my boys. I pulled out a reading program for my six-year-old, he said no. I pulled out an educational game for all my boys, they moaned and groaned and acted like I was killing them.

I was frustrated. I told them so. Loudly. Then I gave myself a timeout.

I realized that part of the problem is that I encourage free thinking in my boys. I encourage them to question and to follow their instincts. I want them to be in touch with the quiet little voice that whispers inside. As much as possible, I respect, encourage and accomodate their needs and desires.

The problem comes when I want them to do something they don't want to do. What then?

Many parents punish, insist, shame or issue consequences. But is that the best move? An intriguing article in today's New York Times suggests that maybe it's not. Numerous scientific studies, it says, have shown that withholding parental affection and approval -- or pouring it on when the child behaves as you'd like -- is counterproductive. The child may behave as you'd like in the moment, but generally develops negative feelings and unhealthy internal compulsions.

Instead, the article said, "unconditional acceptance by parents as well as teachers should be accompanied by 'autonomy support': explaining reasons for requests, maximizing opportunities for the child to participate in making decisions, being encouraging without manipulating, and actively imagining how things look from the child's point of view."

Shaping a human being is hard work. But when I think of the task, I think of Michaelangelo, who said, "Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it." My children, I think, are the sculptors of their lives. As a parent, my job is not to chisel away, creating a statue that perfectly coordinates with my living room furniture but to support each child as he discovers the statue within.

This is Courage

Courage is a big theme in a boy's life. So is purpose. In that spirit, I offer you this video. Watch it alone, then watch it with your boys. Then tell me what you think.

Boys & Depression

Have you heard about this study yet? Seems even preschoolers get depressed these days.

Our national mythology tells us childhood is a happy time, but that's just so not for a lot of kids. (Take these boys, for instance.) Is it possible that some of these kids need medical intervention?

According to study author, Joan L. Luby, MD from the Washington University School of Medicine, "this research... demonstrates that preschool depression is not clinically insignificant and does not spontaneously resolve."

That does not necessarily mean that all depressed kids need to be treated with anti-depressants. I recently talked to a number of experts about boys and ADHD, and to a person, each and every one said that meds should be a last resort, used after or in conjuction with behavioral and environmental interventions. I'm guessing that the same will hold true for preschoolers and depression. (Another just-published study found that teaching resilience can temper depression and improve grades.)

What it does mean is that we need to watch our kids for signs of depression, symptoms that go beyond normal episodic sadness. Possible symptoms include:

• Intense &/or sudden loss of interest in play
• Changes in sleep patterns
• Sustained decreased joyfulness
• Intense shame and guilt
• Decreased energy
• Changes in school work
• Changes in socialization
• Healthy child complaining of illness
• Change in appetite
• Over-reacting to criticism

Keep in mind that boys may have different symptoms than girls. In a study of teens, boys were more likely to exhibit loss of pleasure, depressed morning mood and morning fatigue. (Hmm...note to self: Watch Boy #2). Among second grade boys, behavior and attention problems are linked to depression.

The good news here is that researchers seem to believe that if depression is caught and treated early, it may be possible to weaken depression's grip. Dr. Luby again: "Applying an intervention at a time when the brain is more changeable or neuroplastic — just like introducing speech therapy as early as possible for children with speech problems — [leads to] the hope or possibility that treatment might be more effective and actually change the trajectory of the disorder."

Very good news indeed.

What do you think? Is it possible for preschoolers to be depressed? Is treatment ever warranted? Or are we simply medicalizing childhood?

Mr. Personality

My eleven-year-old son came down from his bath last night and announced that he wanted to take a personality test.

He'd just finished reading Trouble Don't Last, an award-winning book about a young slave escaping to freedom on the Underground Railroad. The book, he said, got him thinking about the question, "Who am I?"

We headed to the computer (never mind that it was past 10 pm), where I typed in "myers briggs online personality test." I'd done a Myers-Brigss test years ago (I'm an INFJ, BTW) and was amazed by how well it captured my personality. I wasn't sure how well an online test would work, or if the test would be accurate with an eleven-year-old boy, but I figured what the heck?

Boy #1 was fascinated. He eagerly answered the questions, pausing occasionally to ask for my input. Seventy-two questions later, we pressed "Score It" -- and learned that Boy #1 is an ENFP.

The descriptions were dead on. An ENFP is an extremly outgoing, interesting, vivacious person. ENFPs feel things deeply and have a knack for sensing the emotional temperature in any room. (I've said this about Boy #1 forever!) They're big picture learners and often ponder the deep questions of life. Among other things, they often make excellent salespeople, politicians and actors.

Well.

If I was stunned at how accurately the test nailed his personality, Boy #1 was downright giddy. For the first time in his life, he saw in black-and-white that he is not some kook, some strange kid who's just messed up and confused. He saw that all these things he thinks are "wrong" or "different" about him are simply personality traits -- personality traits that add up to a pretty great person.

He saw his intensity not as a liability, but as part of who he is. He saw his tendency to dream about the future as fully typical of his personality, not as an abnormality.

His personality type is rare; only about 2-3 % of the population are ENFP. Even that made him feel better. No wonder he doesn't know many kids "like him!"

It was a beautiful, wonderful evening. My son learned more about himself, my gut feelings about my son were confirmed and we learned more about how and why different people get along (or not).

I never would have thought of administering a personality test to my eleven-year-old, but I'm so glad I did. Why don't you try it with your own boys? Let me know what you find out!