Homework Can Be Fun

I'm not generally a big fan of homework. If your boys are in school, you know that are only so many precious hours between the end of the school day and bedtime, time that must be divvied up between relaxing, eating, spending time with family, personal interests, family responsibilities and, uh, homework.

But every now and then, a homework project comes along that feeds my boys' interests -- one that enhances, rather than detracts, from their lives. Those are the homework projects I love. And luckily, we had not one but two of them here in the last 24 hours.

This is Boy #3. He's been studying lumberjacks in 4th grade, and today is the annual Lumberjack Breakfast. So this morning, I got to draw a beard on my 10-year-old.

Boy #2, meanwhile, has been working on an English project. The kids have been learning about similes and metaphors and other literacy devices, and had to dream up an imaginary product and use those literary devices in a commercial to "sell" the product. My son imagined a product, wrote a script and made this commercial:

This kind of homework, I love.

Have your boys done any creative projects lately? Tell me about them!

Homework at My House

1st grade homework project

I might not be a fan of busywork-as-homework. I might even encourage parents to think long and hard about why, exactly, they want to to "make" their sons do their homework. But that doesn't mean that I encourage my kids to ignore homework or to disrespect teachers.

After reading my original blog post, How To Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 1, a reader asked:

Are you teaching your sons to ignore/disrespect authority figures?

The short answer is no.

This is what homework looks like at my house:

The boys come home after school. They settle into comfy chairs (after rummaging through the cupboards) and plug into their electrical devices. I let them. After spending their whole day in school, following the demands of an exterior schedule, I give them time to unwind. To do what they want to do.

After awhile, I ask about homework. Boy #2 usually doesn't have any; he typically gets all of his assignments done at school. Boy #3 may or may not have homework -- a math worksheet, a science packet, or part of a larger project that needs to be completed. He is also required to read and practice math facts each month, and receives a grade based on how many math minutes and reading minutes he's completed at month's end. Boy #4, a 1st grader, inevitably has to read a book. He might also have a math worksheet to complete.

Boy #1, my high school freshman, is completely responsible for his own work, and that amount of work he has varies on a daily basis.

I do not push or force Boy #3 to do his reading and math minutes. As I discussed in Homework, Part 1, he knows that his grade reflects his effort. He knows what he has to do if he wants to earn an A. And often, he puts off his reading and math minutes 'til the end of the month. He has done a whole "month's worth" of reading in just three days.

If he has homework, or a looming project, I will remind him of his work. I may set aside some time to work with him. For instance, when he did a project about tourist destination in our state, I scheduled time for a family field trip to the destination. I helped him figure out Power Point; he'd decided to do a Power Point presentation, so we figured it out together. I reviewed his work when he asked me to, and I offered him opportunities to practice his presentation. (Each student was required to present their work to the class as well.) But when he declined my offer, I respected his decision. To practice or not practice -- that is his choice. He will get the resulting grade. And if it's not as good as he'd like, perhaps he'll make a different choice the next time around.

Boy #4 and I read together after supper. Sometimes, he asks if he can read the book to himself, instead of aloud. I say yes. I know from experience that he always stops and asks me words he can't read anyway. ("Mom, what is e-x-c-i-t-e-d?") We also talk about his book; I can tell from his answers (and his questions) if he's read and understood the material.

Boy #1 handles his homework on his own. He manages his time. He decides how hard (or not) to work on a particular assignment. I provide support as requested. I've proofread papers and projects and offered feedback -- but only when requested. I've discussed ideas and books with him. (Right now, we're both reading Cannery Row.
)

That's it. I don't get into homework battles with my sons, because it's their work. They -- not me -- bear the consequences of the choices they make. And in the end, if one of my sons decides to settle for a lower grade on a particular project or assignment because he doesn't want to put in the additional work for a higher grade, I don't push or prod or argue. His choice. His grades. I care more about sons' overall development than I do about any one particular grade.

How about you? What does school work or homework look like at your house?

How To Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 2

Photo by Lone_F

Are you tired of the homework battle? Here are some nitty-gritty tips to help you (and your son) get a grip on homework:

(First, if you haven't already, read How to Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 1)

Talk to your son. Does your son think homework is a problem? Why? It's crucial to get your son's input. If he truly doesn't understand the assignment, encourage him to talk to his teacher. If he thinks the homework is pointless, ask why -- and listen to the answer. While many boys struggle with homework, you need to understand what's going on with son in order to effectively intervene.

Talk to the teacher. If you son's homework is of the truly pointless variety -- if you son already understands the material, or could easily pass the test or complete the rest of the assignment without doing part of the homework -- schedule a meeting with the teacher to discuss the issue. Ask for alternatives. Perhaps your son could test out of certain homework assignments. Or do half of the assigned problems instead of all of them.

Beware: your son may not want you to talk to his teacher. He may be afraid that the teacher may simply assign more (and more difficult) homework. And that may well be the case. If the teacher wants to assign additional homework, though, ask if it can be tailored to your son's outside interests, or completed in an innovative way. (Could he make a website instead of writing a paper? Submit a spreadsheet from his side business instead of re-creating one from the textbook?)

Let him go outside. Forcing your son to sit down and do homework the minute he comes home from school is rarely productive. Instead, send him outside or to the gym to burn off some energy. You can even intersperse homework sessions with activity -- say, a half-hour stretch of homework followed by 15 minutes of physical activity before returning to homework. Believe it or not, those brief bursts of activity will actually improve your son's productivity.

Talk to your son about his goals. What does your son want to do in life? Help him see how his homework directly relates to his life goals. And whenever possible, link your son's homework to his goals. A boy who loves video games, for instance, might fight nightly reading -- but might be willing to read a video game magazine for a few minutes before bed.

Get outside assistance, if needed. If your son is truly struggling with a certain subject, or needs help with study skills, consider enlisting a tutor. Ask around at school; your son's school may offer resources such as after school study times or check-ins with teachers. School personnel and other parents may also be able to point you toward private tutors. (College kids and retired teachers make great tutors.) Outside assistance may also be necessary if your son has a learning disability.

Make it meaningful. Consider setting up an incentive system to encourage your son to do his homework. If he absolutely must get it done for whatever reason -- your sanity, his learning, whatever -- consider offering him a personally meaningful reward if he does his homework X number of nights in a row, for instance. So instead of fighting about homework on a nightly basis, pre-agree on a series of behavior expectations and rewards. Maybe you can make him his favorite dessert. Or maybe you can go to the park or museum together.

Some parents tie homework to negative consequences -- you know, the old, if-you-don't-do-your-homework-you're-grounded! scenario. And while that can work, in the short-term, it only reinforces your son's belief that homework is odious. It also takes away your son's responsibility for his homework, because effectively, you become the one who makes sure his homework is done.

Make it fun. Inject a little fun whenever possible. If your son has to practice math facts, consider writing numbers on a white board and letting him "shoot" the right answer with a Nerf gun. (One homeschooling mom I know tried this technique -- and ended up with all the neighborhood boys in her kitchen!) Practice spelling words in chalk on the driveway. Or trace them in the sand. Read outside.

Do you have any other tips to share? How do you help your sons with homework?

How to Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 1

Photo by mrsdkrebs via Flickr

My boys are back to school today after a long and
wonderful Spring Break.

They -- like many other kids -- were less than enthusiastic about going back. And clearly counting the days 'til the tyranny of school is over for another year. (47, according to my 10-year-old).

How's school going for your boys? Are they loving it? Hating it? How's the homework battle going?

If getting your son to do homework is a struggle, rest assured: You're not alone. I have heard "he won't do his homework" tales than I care to count.

Why Boys Hate Homework

Often, the boy in question is not dumb. Quite the contrary: He's usually pretty intelligent. So intelligent, in fact, that he sees through the homework games. He knows that the assigned work is just busy work, a way to make teachers and parents and administrators feel like they're feeding his mind after school.

Very often, the boy is right. Take a look at your son's homework. Is it really helping him learn and understand a new concept? Helping him expand his mind? Enlarging his understanding of the world? Or is it merely asking him to repeat skills over and over? To fill in the blanks?

Most of the homework I see still falls into the mindless repetition category. And if that's the case for your son's homework, is it any wonder he's resisting it? Why would he want to spend precious minutes of his life doing something he already knows how to do, over and over again?

Boys also hate homework because it almost always requires them to sit and be still -- after hours of sitting inside, being still. Most boys would rather be out in the world  in some way, doing something with some meaning. Homework, instead, asks them to devote their time and attention to a very tiny little thing, in a very tiny confined space, towards no visible higher purpose.

Boys hate homework because homework, as far as they can tell, has no point. Boys tend to be very goal-oriented. But like most human beings, they like to work toward goals that have personal meaning. And while there may, perhaps, be a larger point to the homework -- your son's teacher, for instance, may believe that he must master square footage calculations in order to live successfully in the world -- you son doesn't see or value that connection. What he sees, instead, is that the homework is an obstacle between him and his goals.

So how you do get your son to do his homework?

Address Underlying Fears

First, take a step back. Why do you want him to do his homework?

That question might seem ridiculous to you. You might be screeching at me through the computer screen right now. But humor me.

Do you want him to do his homework because you're afraid that it will reflect poorly on you or your parenting if he doesn't? Because you believe that he must do whatever he's instructed to do? Because he'll get bad grades if he doesn't do his homework? Because he won't get into a good school if he doesn't complete his work?

Let me tell you something: Most of those worries and concerns -- most of parents' worries and concerns regarding their kids' homework -- reflect parental fears. Most of them have absolutely nothing to do with your sons' learning. To effectively support your sons' learning, you need to honestly and realistically admit and attack your fears, before turning toward your son.

Your kids' grades are not a direct reflection of your parenting abilities. Your kids' grades, at best, are an incomplete picture of their effort and ability in school. Academic grades are affected by a variety of factors, including student effort, effective teaching, parental support and the kids' overall environment.

One of my boys must read a certain number of minutes every month; part of his reading grade is directly aligned with the number of minutes he reads. If he reads X minutes, he earns an A. But if only reads Y minutes, he gets a B. My son knows the grading scale. He also knows how to read. As far as I'm concerned, his choices are ultimately what dictates that portion of his grade. Will I be a "better" parent if I push him -- force him -- to read X minutes so he earns an A? I don't think so. Will reading X minutes under duress make him a better reader? I don't think so; I think it's more likely that he'll learn to hate reading. So I let him control his own reading minutes.

Do you believe your son should do his homework simply because it's been assigned? Because we all have to do things we don't want to do? Think about this:  If your boss assigns you a task that you completed last week, would you say something? Or would you simply repeat the work?

If your son truly understands the material, do you really think he needs to do every single exercise? Why?

If you're worried about bad grades, again, ask yourself why. Do you think your son's bad grades will reflect negatively on you? On him? Do you think they'll keep him out of school, or make it difficult for him to achieve success in the world? Let me ask you this: When was the last time someone asked to see your report card? Do you believe that your success is truly linked to the grades you earned in grade school, high school or even college?

I write this as a former 4.0 valedictorian. Clearly, at one point in my life, I valued good grades highly. But you know what I've since learned? Good grades don't necessarily reflect learning. They don't reflect compassion or potential. And while it's true that my good grades helped me get scholarships, no one has asked to see my transcript in years. The truth is, no one cares what kind of grades I earned.

Instead, they care about how I make them feel. They care about my ability to work with others, my ability to communicate, and my ability to put ideas together. They care about my honesty and dedication.

Those qualities are what will bring your sons success as well. And your son can have those qualities in spades, even if his report card is littered with Ds.

So before beginning any homework intervention, separate your fears and concerns from reality. If your son is happy and joyful, learning and growing and engaged in the world, are the grades on his report card really so serious? Do your son's grades  reflect a problem with your son's learning, or something else?

Tomorrow: Concrete steps you can take to deal with homework 

In Defense of Boys & Guns

Photo by sean_oliver via Flickr

This is a PopTart. It's a pretty non-threatening almost-food that is commonly eaten by young children and adults who hope to recapture a moment of youth. 

Photo by Jennifer L. W. Fink

This is a boy. (One of mine, actually.) Adding a boy such as this to a Poptart does not turn the Poptart into a deadly weapon of any kind, even if it is chewed into the shape of a gun. Not even if the boy also says, "Bang, bang!"


John Welch, a 7-year-old boy in Baltimore, was recently suspended from school for -- you guessed it -- allegedly chewing his PopTart into the shape of a gun and saying, "Bang, bang!"

Of course, this is not the first time that a boy (or girl) has been suspended from school for fashioning a "gun" out of something else. And the debate surrounding Welch's suspension has been completely predictable. Many, many parents, including the boy's father, who called the decision "insanity." School officials cite privacy, but clearly feel the need to cover their collective behinds in wake of Columbine and Sandy Hook. What other possible explanation could there be for the fact young John's school sent a letter to parents that read, in part, "a student used food to make inappropriate gestures?"

Zero-tolerance discipline policies -- the kind of one-strike-and you're-out policies that have resulted in the suspension of kids for everything from hugging to making pretend guns -- have also been blamed. (And rightly so, in my opinion.)

But for too many people, this incident will be yet another vaguely disturbing news anecdote to discuss for a few days, at best. That's a problem, because John's run-in with school law represents a very clear collision course between boys, schools and society.

It is a well-known fact that boys aren't doing so well in schools these days. Girls have overtaken boys in almost every area of academic performance, and girls consistently lead boys in both grades and attendance. The proportion of men attending and graduating from college, for instance, has steadily declined; females now make up the majority of college students at every level.

Boys, meanwhile, are

• 30% more likely to flunk out or drop out of school.
• Four to five times more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD . According to news reports, John has ADHD.
• More likely to be placed in special education. Two-thirds of special ed students are male. 
• More likely to face suspension or expulsion. 1 of out 5 black boys were suspended during the 2009-2010 school year. That's 20 percent! 1 out of 14, or about 7 percent, of white boys were suspended during the same year.

When will we see -- and acknowledge -- the link? When will a majority of Americans demand that our educational system be reformed to meet the needs of all students, instead of severely penalizing some for exhibiting developmentally appropriate behavior?

It is not unusual for boys to chew food into gun shapes. It is not unusual for boys to want to run around, nor for them to compete in physical and non-physical ways. (Think of the old, "Yeah, well my Dad can..." contests of one-upsmanship.) It's not unusual for boys to prefer a hands-on style of learning, for boys to be attracted to weapons and war games, or for boys to laugh and joke about "disgusting" matters and bodily functions.

Yet all of the above are considered unacceptable in most school settings.

Thankfully, none of my boys have been suspended from school. We have, however, had our share of ridiculous run-ins with stupid rules. Shortly after my second son enrolled in school for the first time -- he'd been homeschooled previously -- I received a note from his teacher, alerting me to the fact that my son had drawn a disturbing picture of an animal killing a human.

He drew a shark attacking a surfer.

He was 10 years old. (Today, he says, "That's what you get for letting me watch National Geographic.")

This year, my youngest son, age six, was forced to redo a drawing of a giraffe for art class -- because he drew a dark pile on the ground beneath the hind end of his giraffe and labeled it "poop." The drawing, I was told, was inappropriate. (Never mind the fact that giraffes really do poop, and that the poop was placed in an anatomically correct position.)

What do these incidents have in common? In every case, a young boy got in trouble for using his imagination to create something. A young boy got in trouble for expressing what was on his mind. (And we wonder why men are reluctant to share their thoughts and feelings?)

If we want our sons to learn, we have to be willing to meet them halfway. We, as adults, need to rediscover the line between fantasy and real-life. We need to remember and review the reams of research that suggest that weapon play is not to be feared in young boys; the playing and acting out aggressive fantasies and scenarios may, in fact, be one way that boys copes with the world around them, while learning what's OK and what's not.

We also need to remember that boys (and girls) are not mini-adults; they're kids. So while some Internet commentators suspect that young John was coached to say that he hadn't intentionally created a gun -- that he was trying to make a mountain instead -- I believe him. Have you ever watched a young child draw? Don't they almost always draw something, and then, as they work, as they see what they've made, declare it a "bird" or "gun" or whatever? I know my kids did -- and that the "subject" of their drawing could change as they colored. Should a boy be punished for honestly stating that his PopTart now looks like a gun?

I don't think so.

How to Help Boys

There's been a lot of talk lately about boys -- specifically, how boys & why boys are falling behind girls academically -- and I've been strangely silent.

Why?

I could, quite legitimately, blame the fact that I has a nasty case of influenza, which worked its way through my household and wrecked havoc on my schedule. I could also plead laziness; I just returned from a much-needed (see influenza, nasty) getaway to Mexico. But the truth of the matter is that I get tired of stories and articles that endlessly debate the reasons our sons aren't doing as well as we might hope.

As a mom of four boys, the reasons for boys' underachievement seem glaringly obvious: Lack of unstructured outside time. A school environment that too often equates learning and teaching with sitting down and filling in worksheets. A culture that frowns on very typical boy behavior -- rough-housing, pretend gun play, competitiveness. Very one-note depictions of boys, men and masculinity.

I get it. The deck is stacked against our boys. And while part of me is thrilled that this fact is beginning to attract national attention, I'm less-than-optimistic that all of this conversation will lead to real changes in our educational system and culture. So why even talk about it anymore?

And then it occurred to me: What is missing from the conversation is how to help our boys thrive right now. My boys, and yours, may be attending schools that offer far too little recess and far too many worksheets. Your boys, like mine, may find themselves in trouble time and time again for wiggling or squiggling in school when they're 4, 5, 6 or 7 -- when, in reality, the school is not meeting your sons' educational needs. And your boys, and mine, are surrounded by negative examples of manhood and masculinity. So what?

The fact is, we can't throw up our hands or simply sigh and bemoan this sad state of affairs. We have boys to raise. Our job, as parents, is to help our boys thrive, no matter what. 

So how can you help your sons thrive in the current environment? Try these tips:

1. Love him, no matter what. Boys, like all human beings, need love and affection and approval. Boys need to hear you say, "I love you," and they need hugs and kisses and physical affection as well. Keep in mind that boys don't always give and receive love in the ways you might think. Here's a list of 14 Ways to Tell You Son 'I Love You.'
2. Accept him, as is. Some boys love running around outside and playing sports. Some love theatre. (Some love theatre and sports!) Some are quiet; others are extroverted. There is no one mold for boys. Boys come in many different permutations. Show your son that you accept and value him by supporting and validating his interests. 
3. Give him room to explore. Let your boys get dirty. Let them experiment and see what happens. (Today's experiment, at my house, involved food coloring, water and a tornado cup.) Try to carve out and protect plenty of free, unstructured time.
4. Read to him. The science is clear: reading to children increases their vocabulary, their reading skills and their academic success. Boys big and little enjoy hearing stories. (Need some help getting started? Here's a list of Books for Boys.) Independent readers may or may not want to sit around for a read-aloud, so make sure you leave interesting reading material strewn around the house as well. 
5. Don't rush academic education. Kindergarten, first grade and even preschool today are not at all like what you may remember from your childhood. Kids today are expected to sit still and read and write at much younger ages than we ever were. And while some kids can handle early academics, some -- primarily boys -- cannot. To learn more about boys and school, check out my Parents magazine article, Help Your Son Succeed in School. 
6. Speak up! Are you concerned about a lack of recess at your sons' school? Upset about a reading curriculum that forces girl-friendly titles on your boys to the exclusion of books that interest your sons?  Talk about it --  with other parents, with your sons' teachers, with the school administration, with the school board and with anyone else that will listen. As a parent of boys, it can be easy to assume that everyone knows what boys need, but that's simply not true. Expressing your concerns and proposing alternative solutions will go a long way towards helping create more boy-friendly environments. When my boys were upset because the school banned ball play at recess, I scheduled a meeting to talk with the principal. I'm happy to report that balls (including footballs) are once again allowed at recess.

I firmly believe that change toward a more inclusive, boy-friendly environment will come slowly, and only when parents insist upon and work toward boy-friendly solutions. So let's tackle this problem, one family at a time.

How are you helping your boys succeed in the current climate? Have you ever taken a stand for your boys' needs or rights?

Boys & School

If you've been following this blog for awhile, you know that my boys were homeschooled, and that all four of them are now in school full-time. If you're new here, well, you just found out.

The transition to school is going fine, for the most part. But let me tell you: My reasons for homeschooling remain as valid as ever. Homeschooling, I believe, gives kids the chance to follow and learn from their passions. School too often squishes passions and interests at the altar of standardized achievement.

The Red Zone

Case in point: My 6-year-old son, a passionate, self-motivated learner got in trouble at school the other day. Why? Because he was squirmy and talkative and social. You can read more about it over at Boys and Young Men: Attention Must Be Paid.

Here's an excerpt:

Not even one month into the school year, my son got in trouble – major, Red-level trouble – for moving, talking and socializing. The school gets into no trouble whatsoever for failing to provide my son with a learning environment that engages him, that takes into account his needs and knowledge and learning style.

The Red incident happened two days ago. Yesterday, the same son came home with what looked like a massive black-and-yellow bruise on his lower abdomen at belt level. After some talking, I that my son found an unopened black walnut outside at recess. (Never seen one? They look like this:

My nature-loving son wanted to play with them. But the bell was ringing, so he jammed one into the waistband of his underwear. His belt and jeans held the black walnut firmly in place, through at least half of gym class. And -- as you may have guessed by now -- stained his skin.

Later, I asked what he wanted to do with the black walnut.

"Throw it," he said.

Such a simple request. But he's in an environment that a) only offers limited time outside, b) provides very little time for free play and c) frowns upon the throwing of objects. One month into the school year, my son has internalized those facts. And resorted to smuggling black walnuts in his shorts.

How School Squelches Boys & Men

I tell myself he will be fine, and for the most part, he will. Fortunately, he still has two loving parents who read to him, who take him interesting places and who make sure he gets plenty of time in the woods and in fields. But I can't help but wonder how much more interesting (and joyous) his learning path would be if he was allowed to follow his own interests, instead of squashing them in the service of organized, institutional learning. And I can't help but feel sad inside for all the boys who know nothing more than school. In every school, there are boys, like my son, who are squashing their natural desires and curiosity to pursue educational goals that seem meaningless to them.

That's not to say that education, or even institutional education, is worthless. It is to say that learning, real learning, works best when coupled with real life.

Some will say that little boys (such as my son) need to learn how to sit down, be quiet and follow directions. And I agree: they do. But I'd argue that the pace matters. I'd argue that there's no harm whatsoever -- and many benefits -- to letting young boys (such as my son) learn through movement and active play and exploration. No harm at all in letting young boys gradually grow into self-control.

It will happen. I have seen countless, homeschooled boys grown into polite, well-mannered, socially-adjusted young men -- without ever sitting in a circle on a rug, filling out countless worksheets or losing recess.

What are your thoughts regarding boys and school? 

The Challenge of Raising Boys

Photo via U.S. National Archives

What concerns you the most about parenting boys? 

As you know, I tend to draw on my own experience here at Blogging 'Bout Boys. But your experiences might be different -- or they might be awfully familiar, which will make the rest of us feel a whole lot better!

Right now, I'd say my top 3 boy-raising concerns are:

1) Respect. I want my boys to learn to treat men and women, young and old, with respect, and I'd like that respect to show in their words and deeds. Overall, my boys are respectful and polite children, but we still have a ways to go, particularly when it comes to respecting each other! (Please tell me my boys aren't the only ones who like to trash talk one another!)

2) Strict limitations on physical activity and play in schools. My sons' school no longer allows the kids play touch football at recess. Or soccer. If it's too cold or nasty outside, the kids stay in for recess -- in the auditorium, where they are allowed to walk laps. My boys (and yours, I'd guess) need more activity than that. They need room and freedom to move. I understand school administrators' concerns regarding student safety, but I think their concerns are overblown. On a population-wide level, I think we do our boys far more harm by requiring them to remain still and safe most of the day.

3) A sex-and-alcohol-saturated culture. We live in Wisconsin, a state that perpetually bests others in binge drinking and heavy alcohol consumption. Here, it's not uncommon to see adults guzzling beer at a softball game, whether it's their game (yes, I've seen guys drinking beer in dugouts) or their kids' games (yes, I've seen adults drinking beer at 9 am on a Sunday at the Little League game). Add that to a culture that routinely objectifies women and thrusts sexual images at our kids at every opportunity, and you can see why I'm concerned. I want my boys to grow up free of addiction. I want them to be emotionally and physically healthy. Given our environment, though, that's an uphill battle.

********************

 

Huh. If I'd drawn up that list just a few years ago -- say, when I started this blog -- I can guarantee that it would have looked different. Earlier in my parenting career, "guns" or "weapons" definitely would have made the list. Today? I don't even bat an eye when my kids pick up a plastic weapon. 

 

Sex and alcohol wouldn't have made the list a few years ago either. But now, I have a teen. And a tween. And a 6-year-old who watches for hot girls. I guess my concerns are growing along with my boys!

 

 What about you? What are your Top 3 Boy-Raising Concerns?

Doing the Best We Can

I've been thinking a lot lately about how other moms treat one another. Blogging 'Bout Boys reader Elise made a very insightful comment to my post Mommy Wars? What Mommy Wars?:

 I think one of the problems in this parenting world comes about when a parent states one of their philosophies but then says "I'm not judging anyone else, this is just the way I do it." In the end, other people still feel judged. My kids are now 15, 18 and 19 but I will give an example of something I did when they were younger to show that I was just as guilty of this as anyone else. I did not spank my kids and I would willingly tell anyone about my philosophies if we happened to get into a conversation about it. I would never be the first to bring it up and I would always make sure that I told them that I thought it was okay for other parents to spank but I just chose not to spank. Looking back I realize now that even though I always said that, I am sure the other parents still felt judged. Even if I said that I wasn't judging them, I probably came off as sounding like I felt superior.

She's right, I think, and I'm as guilty as anyone else. Because you know what? The truth be told, sometimes I did feel superior. Like many of you, I've done a lot of reading and writing and reflecting about parenting. I've read the works of the experts; heck, I've even interviewed some of the experts! Plus I get compliments all the time about how intelligent and polite and pleasant my children are, so I must be doing something right -- right?

Secretly, I have believed that I know the "best" way. In general, I believe that natural childbirth is better for moms and babies, that breastfeeding is better than bottle feeding and that it's important for kids to have a secure attachment to home and family before they venture out into the world. In general, I believe that homeschooling is a wonderful educational option, that children's opinions matter and that kids need lots of time and freedom to play.

But in the last few years, I've come to recognize that most of us are doing the best we can with the circumstances at hand. My divorce taught me that, in a very painful and real way. You see, I still believe that homeschooling is the best educational option for my boys. But my ex doesn't agree, so for awhile, our homeschooled kids took two classes a piece at a local public school. Then the stresses of single parenthood set in. Trying to homeschool while earning enough money to support a family of five is hard, and I realized that I was shortchanging both homeschooling and my job (not to mention myself). I was constantly trying to be in two places at once: if I was upstairs with the kids, I was watching the clock to see when I'd next need to bound downstairs to do an interview. When I was in my office, I'd feel guilty that I wasn't more present for my kids. Homeschooling, the way I liked to do it, requires a fair amount of relaxed and unstructured time, and that simply didn't exist anymore, at least not in great measure.

So I made the difficult decision to send three kids to school full-time this year. That decision has allowed me to concentrate on my work during the day, and to be fully present for my kids in the afternoons and evenings. And things are working out just fine. My kids are thriving, and so is my career.

Through tough experience, I've learned that our circumstances affect our parenting decisions, and that what we say (and how we say it) affects other people. Elise's comment came to mind when I read this comment from Cassandra, written in response to my Helping Boys in a Sex-Soaked Society post:

We don't allow our kids to watch TV or surf the web alone. We homeschool. I have a seven-year-old son and there is no way he has any idea what the word sexy even is. I'm curious about how much media your kids are exposed to? Although the media does show us a very skewed and almost gross portrayal of 'the perfect woman' or what sex is all about.. it's our responsibility to protect our kids from these images and messages, isn't it?

She's not directly judging me, or calling me a bad parent, but it feels that way. Her well-meaning comments seem to imply that if I cared enough, I would make sure that my 6-year-old had no exposure to anything that would remotely smack of "sexy."


But, I want to say, but...

• He's the youngest of four boys. It's a lot easier to keep the channel tuned to PBS when your oldest child is 7. It's a lot harder when your oldest is 14.
• Even if I instituted a media-blackout, he'd watch at his dad's. Turning off the TV is a great idea, in theory, but what if both parents aren't on board?
• I homeschool! Or at least I did, as long as I could. And besides, aren't there many different philosophies of homeschooling?

What I want to say is, I'm doing the best I can!  

I think Casandra could understand that, if we sat down together.  If she knew me and the circumstances of my life, I think she'd understand that I am doing the very best I can with the cards I've been given. 

You are too. And so are the moms and dads around you. Each of brings our past and present to our parenting decisions, and each of us must adapt our parenting style on a daily basis. Every day, we make decisions based on our values and circumstances and yes, on whether or not we've had our caffeine for the day. Sometimes we make good calls; sometimes, we flounder. That's OK. That's part of parenting. The biggest parenting secret of all is that there is no best way; there's only what works for you and your family, in a given moment.

 

Best of the Blogs

WAT Book Club Four Great Books for Boys. Full disclosure: I used to write for an editor who is now part of the We Are Teachers (WAT) team. But that's now why I'm recommending this blog post. I'm recommending this post because I'm always interested in seeing great book suggestions for boys -- and I'm particularly enthusiastic about this post because it introduces four books I'd never heard of. (For the record, The Achilles Effect is not so keen on "Books for Boys" lists. You can be sure that we'll talk cover that topic in my upcoming author Q & A!)

Dictators with Mommy Issues. You know I'm a fan of Kate Stone Lombardi, and that I loved her book, The Mama's Boy Myth. The last lines of this post, though, are just precious:

Let's see....Stalin and his mother were savagely beaten by his alcoholic father. She fought the father to try to keep her son in school. Yup, must have been that close relationship with him mom that made Stalin the monster he was. 

My Son Looks Like a Girl. So What? I've been thinking a lot of gender lately, and the messages we send our boys about what's OK and what's not. So Catherine Newman's post about her 12-year-old son's long, pink-dipped hair caught my attention. Really, what does hair matter anyway? Isn't it what are kids are inside that matters?

My Vote of Dweebiest Superintendent of the Week. According to Lenore Skenazy, five high school seniors in Indiana decorated the interior of their school with post-it notes. (With inside adult assistance.) The kids were suspended. The custodian lost his job. Actually, a total of 67 kids were suspended. Did the superintendent might the right call? Or do you agree with Skenazy? Why?

 Integrating Tech Tools Into Learning. Shameless self-promotion: This is a blog post I wrote for onlineschools.com. But I have a feeling that some of you may be interested in fun and educational tech tools as well.

How to Work From Home and Homeschool. Yeah, this one is mine too. ;)

Did you see any blog posts that caught your eye this week? Share a link below!

Helping Boys Learn

Happy Teachers Day! Have you thanked a teacher yet?

Schools often get a bad rap, particularly where boys are concerned. In many places, school has become a sit-down-and-shut-up kind of place, a place where recess and gym are being phased out in favor of more...worksheets. Is it any wonder that so many boys are doing so poorly in school?

But this Teachers Day, I want to focus on the educators and authors who are working to make our schools a better place for our sons. People like:

• Dr. Marcus Jackson. Dr. Jackson is the principal of Pointe South Elementary in Jonesboro, Georgia. He's also the author of "Because My Teacher Said I Can," a children's book that celebrates the power of encouragement. I've had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Jackson a couple of times, and let me tell you this: He is determined to help his boys -- the students in his school -- succeed. His school is in one the poorest areas of the state, yet his students' reading and writing scores are among the highest in the state. Inspired by Dr. Jackson, the boys at his school read -- and Dr. Jackson doesn't care what they're reading. "When it comes to reading, we allow students to choose their books," he says. "My boys, if they want to read about Muhammad Ali or baseball and Babe Ruth, that's OK. We'll get to the novels, to To Kill a Mockingbird, later." 
• Dr. Allison Carr-Chellman.  Dr. Carr-Chellman, a professor of education at PennState, is talking honestly about some of the ways today's classrooms are hindering our sons. Check out this video where she discusses how zero-tolerance policies can inhibit boys' writing, She also talks about ways schools can use video gaming to get boys excited about learning.
• Richard Whitmire. Richard's book, Why Boys Fail: Saving Our Sons From an Educational System That's Leaving Them Behind, was just honored as one of the Top 5 Educational Books of 2012.
• Michael Gurian. Some parents of boys are unimpressed with Michael Gurian; they think he focuses too much on unproven or questionable claims of brain-based differences between boys and girls. But as a mom of four boys, I'm convinced that boys are wired differently than girls. (Note: "different" does not mean "better" or "worse.") His book, The Minds of Boys, helped me understand my sons and the challenges they face in society, and for that, I am grateful. 
• Leonard Sax. Leonard Sax is a medical doctor and PhD-level psychologist who write and speaks frequently about boys and education. His books include Why Gender Matters and Boys Adrift.
• Peg Tyre. In 2008, Peg published The Trouble with Boys: A Surprising Report Card on Our Sons, Their Problems at School and What Parents & Educators Must Do. Her latest book, The Good School: How Smart Parents Can Help Their Kids Get the Education They Deserve, picks up where The Trouble with Boys left off.

Who else should we add to our Helping-Boys-Learn list?

Boys & Bullying, Take 2

I was bullied as a child and no one ever told me that I had a RIGHT to my well-being and I learned to "take it." As a result, I allowed people to push me around and I became a frightened, timid, individual until I reached my mid-30s... What kind of mixed messages are we, the "grown-ups," sending children who bully and are bullied?
           -- Lisa Blyth, Blogging 'Bout Boys reader who blogs at Living My Imagination

My previous post about Boys & Bullying generated a lot of interesting and provocative comments, including the one above. What do you think of her perspective?

I think she brings up an important and valid point. When we don't allow children to stand up for themselves -- and I'd argue that certain zero-tolerance policies make it very hard for kids to stand up for themselves -- we are, in effect, telling them to take it. We are slowly and subtly teaching them to tolerate abuse. And if the system (school officials, etc) fail to respond or protect the child, we are also teaching him (perhaps accurately) that the system is unreliable and has little to no interest in protecting people from psychological or emotional abuse.

But teachers and schools have a lot to handle, and even well-intentioned teachers and school administrators struggle with the issue of bullying. Take a look at some of these comments, which were posted on my Facebook page:

the problem is that bullying behavior is rarely reported, which puts a lot on the teachers to be able to spot it...but with as many demands as they have already, tht's one that slips through the cracks. it's also chalked up a lot to "kids will be kids." 
          -- A Wisconsin teacher

Pulling a card is a behavior management plan where a child pulls a card when they misbehave. As the infractions increase the punishment increase...if the child has a disability they can only receive 10 days per year. If this child had 10, the school hands are tied. 
          --  Principal of a Georgia elementary/middle school


Part of the problem, as the Wisconsin teacher points out, is that our schools contain a widely diverse student body:


Very few other countries have the poverty issues the the US has, nor do they have the number of special needs students. 

Just imagine trying to deal with bullying in a class or school that contains hungry children, or children who have been abused, or kids who have serious disabilities and mental health concerns. I can see how that would be a challenge!  And yet at the same time, I, like most other parents, want my children (and yours) to feel safe in school, at home, and in their community.


What I've learned, though, is that there are no easy answers. Solving bullying is not as simple as instituting an anti-bullying or zero-tolerance policy. It's not as simple as saying "use your words" or "fight back if necessary." To truly combat bullying, we need to address some serious societal problems. We need to address the home environment; I truly believe that a child who feels loved, valued and important is far less likely to bully another child than one who is belittled and abused at home.

Somehow, some way, we -- as a society -- have to learn to treat each other with respect, and we need to teach our children not only how to treat others with respect, but how to insist on respectful treatment as well. Because Lisa is right: sub-consciously encouraging our children to accept abuse, either at home or in school, will only perpetuate the problem.

Blogathon 2012!

You'll be hearing a lot more from me this month.


Today is May 1, and it's the official kick-off day for Blogathon 2012, an event planned and sponsored by Michelle Rafter of WordCount. The Blogathon is a challenge -- participants are supposed to blog every day for the month of May -- but it's also a chance to connect. Blogathon participants connect with one another, but more importantly, they connect with their blog readers. That's what I want to do this Blogathon: connect with you.

The timing couldn't be better. I'm back from the annual conference of the American Society of Journalists and Authors, where my article, "Help Your Son Succeed in School," received 1st place in the Service category in the organization's 2012 Outstanding Article competition. The award -- and the positive attention my article has received -- has inspired me to re-commit to the purpose of this blog. I write this blog for you, parents of boys, and I want my words and resources to help you as you parent your sons.

So let me ask you:

• What confuses you about your boys?
• What questions do you have about your sons' development?
• What challenges do you face parenting your boys? With their education?
• What resources have you found particularly helpful?

Throughout the month of May,  I want to make sure that I'm touching on issues near and dear to your heart. I also plan to experiment with a variety of different types of blog posts, including the promised author chat with Kate Stone Loambardi, author of The Mama's Boy Myth. I'll connect with other other blogathon bloggers as well, and will probably participate in some of the crazier blogathon events, including Haiku Day and Wordle Day. (Actually, I'm really looking forward to Wordle Day! If you don't know what a Wordle is, check it out here.)

It's time to shake things up. Let the Blogathon begin!

Boys, Math and Zero Tolerance

Recently my 9-year-old son worked with another 9-year-old boy to develop a series of math word problems. This is what they came up with:



Notice a theme?

"Blew up." "Died." "Crashed."

Boys are drawn to violence and destruction, and that's not a bad thing. In fact, that's perfectly, completely, 100% normal. Unfortunately, our zero-tolerance culture often sends our boys a different message -- and that message can harm our sons.

Check out this video by Alison Carr-Chellman:





Now look again at the boys' math problems. In some settings, they would have been told to erase their work and come up with "appropriate" math problems -- an exercise which would have a) seriously undermined their creativity, b) caused them to lose all enthusiasm for the exercise and c) effectively told them that their thoughts and interests weren't valid.

When working with boys, I find it's best to meet boys where they are. Work with their interests, not against them. That might mean letting your son write a poem about farts. Or letting him solve math problems that involve bullets.

I'm not suggesting stereotyping your son. Not all boys are interested in farts and bullets, and all boys, mine included, have a range of interests to go beyond farts and bullets. Use what works for your son, but don't shame him or make him feel "bad" in any way if his interests include violence or destruction. I'm not saying that you need to let your sons stockpile weapons; I'm just saying that there's nothing inherently wrong about thinking or writing about those topics.

Do you agree? Or do you think zero tolerance policies are necessary in today's day and age?

Ways to Help Boys Learn

Did the Josh Powell case throw anyone else for a psychological loop? Powell, as you probably know, is the man who torched his house when his two sons arrived for what was to be a supervised visit. I'll be writing more about the case, and why it struck me, next month. In the meantime, I'd like to point you to a couple other posts I have floating around the Web:

Finding Friends (for you and the kids!)

Teaching Writing in Your Homeschool

The Case for Play

10 Essential Supplies for Homeschooling Boys

Obstacles to Play

Happy February! Initially, my plan was to begin a discussion of boys, nutrition and healthy eating today. I've got some great guest posts on the topic lined up for the month of February, as well as a few thoughts of my own. But I just can't seem to let the topic Play go just yet...

Yesterday, a good friend of mine, a teacher at a local parochial school, announced via Facebook that her school was hosting a Pay to Play Day today. The word "play" caught my eye, but the details of the announcement are what stirred my passion. Why? Because Pay to Play Day works like this: kids bring in a non-perishable food item or $1 for the local food pantry, and, in exchange, earn the right to play their HANDHELD VIDEO GAMES for half an hour!

I get it; I really do. It's a lot easier for the teachers to supervise kids who are quietly absorbed in video games. It's even possible to lead a class while a couple kids opt out to play MarioKart. But seriously? Our kids need more time to play sedentary video games?? What about the kids who would rather go outside and play? Can kids buy their way out for some extra time on the playground? The answer is no. (And what of the larger lesson here for kids, the "play" somehow equals "digital entertainment?" Don't too many of our kids already buy into that notion?)

Meanwhile, I got an email from a dear homeschooling friend who lives in another state. It was nearly 70 degrees where she lives earlier this week. Her kids, who were outside playing, attracted the attention of a local newspaper photographer. He spent an hour, she said, snapping photos of the kids playing. The photos were meant, I'm sure, to illustrate the wonderful, spring-like weather. But the reality behind the photog's stop was that her homeschooled kids were among the only kids outside on such a fine day. The photographer didn't select her kids because they were particularly photogenic, amazing or important, but because they were outside, playing. And that, in and of itself, is a rarity these days.

Is it any wonder that we have kids who are disconnected from nature? Any wonder we have obese kids who would rather sit on the couch and play video games than run around the neighborhood? It's because we have essentially locked these kids inside secure, so-called "nurturing" environments their entire lives. A child who spends the first four years or so of his life in a childcare center, with very little time spent in active play, and then the next 12 years in school, where he's lucky to get recess even once a day through the age of 10, is not a kid who is going to organize a spontaneous, active pretend game on the playground or in the woods with his friends when given the chance. When given the chance -- finally! -- he will wander around aimlessly, claim to be bored, and ask to go home, because he will not have learned how to play independently and actively in the outdoors. He will have learned the lessons we have taught him very well: He will have learned that it's better to stay indoors, to stay sedentary, to do only what others tell him to do. And somehow we blame "kids these days?" It's time, instead, to look squarely at the obstacles that adults place in between kids and play and kids and learning.

BTW...the petition that my boys and their friend started in an attempt to get more outside recesses? It didn't go well. Within a day, they were called to the office, where the principal explained that the decision to stay in is based on concerns for student safety.

P.S. I'm blogging over at The Homeschool Classroom too. Come see my post, "10 Essential Supplies for Homeschooling Boys."

Kids as Advocates for Play

All month, I've been talking about the importance of play. And all month, my focus has been on what adults can do to protect and rescue kids' right to play. Well, yesterday my very own children reminded me not to underestimate the power of children.

My 11- and 8-yr-olds came home fired up. Outside recess had been cancelled -- AGAIN. (The kids said it was because the adults said the playground was too icy.) Now, I don't know how things were when you were a kid, but when I was a kid, even inside recess was active, at least most of the time. Sometimes we stayed in our classrooms and played board games, but most of the time, we were sent to the gym, where we could run around, play with balls and jump rope. Today? The kids get herded into the auditorium, not the gym, and it's all quiet play. They can walk around the auditorium, but that's about it.

So the kids started a petition. At school, at recess, they drafted a petition and began circling it among the students and teachers. At home, they refined it a bit. You should have seen those boys (two of mine, plus a friends from school!) debating word choice as they created their manifesto! This is what they ultimately wrote:

We have started a petition and we demand outside recess. We are sick of being inside all day long. All the grades that have recess demand for the right to be able to stay in or go out except for in extreme weather. For safety issues we request that you send home a permission slip and for those whose parents are not comfortable with this decision that way they can choose not to let their child/children have the choice.

Sincerely,

Kids grades 3-6

I think they did a pretty good job of expressing their concerns and offering a solution. What do you think?

Protecting Play: In the Community

Play might be an internationally-recognized right of childhood, but as a society, we're not doing so well at protecting play. Consider:

• According to one 2008 study, 25% of U.S. elementary schools don't have scheduled daily recess for all grades
• Schools with a high population of minority and low-income students are less likely to have daily recess
• Kids today spend less time playing outside than their parents did
• Kids' free time declined 7.4 hours per week between 1981 and 1997, and another 2 hours per week between 1997 and 2002/2003
• Playtime is increasingly adult-supervised and structured

The good news is that some parents, organizations and communities are taking steps to halt the march away from child-centered play. Concerned citizens and organizations are stepping up to help protect kids' right to play. Want to help? Here are some ways you can protect play:

• Stay informed. Do you know what the recess policy is at your local school? If not, find out. Check the play policies at local child care centers as well. And keep up on the latest research about the benefits of play for children. If you're informed, you'll be in better shape to share information with local decision makers.
  
• Join a play-supporting organization. A variety of local, national and international organizations now work to protect kids' right to play. Consider joining or financially supporting Right to Play, the American Association for Child's Right to Play and/or the Right to Recess campaign.
• Plan a Play Day. The American Association for Child's Right to Play has directions on their website for interested individuals and organizations who want to organize a community Play Day to draw attention to the importance of play.
• Volunteer as a recess monitor. Some schools have reduced or eliminated recess because there aren't enough staff to provide adequate supervision at recess time. Consider offering your services a few hours per week -- and play with the kids! If some kids seem to have trouble finding an activity, teach them Captain May I? or Red Rover, or start a game of Tag.
• Become a play advocate. Speak up! If you're concerned about the amount of play at school, schedule a meeting with the principal. Listen to the school's concerns, but share yours as well. Be prepared to share information also. I sent my son's principal links to Playworks and Peaceful Playground's recess programs.
• Talk to other parents. When I became concerned about the elimination of football at recess, I sent emails to other school parents (and I started with parents of kids' who played football in a local league). Alone, I won't accomplish much. But if I join together with other concerned parents, I increase the odds of the school revisiting the ban on football.
  
• Involve kids. Kids know what they need to play. Consider working with kids and adults to improve play opportunities for children in your community. For a look at how one community in Ireland did just that, watch this video.
• Buck the trend. Organized activities, such as sports and band, are great, but make sure that your kids have plenty of unstructured time as well. Sure, your kids might be the only ones on the block not in summer school, but that's OK. Protecting play begins at home.
  

Kids & Play

I'm worried about our kids.

Yesterday, I started my day off with an 8 AM meeting with the middle school principal. The topic: playground football. Football (actually, all play involving footballs) has recently been banned from recess at the middle school. I wanted to know why. The answer? Injuries, aggressive behavior and liability.

Keep that answer in mind as you consider the conclusions of a study released today in the medical journal Pediatrics. The study’s title says it all: “Societal Values and Policies May Curtail Preschool Children’s Physical Activity in Child Care Centers.”

According to the study’s authors, ¾ of U.S. preschoolers are in some form of childcare. The vast majority of those kids is not getting the recommended amount of physical activity per day. (The National Association for Sport and Physical Education recommends that preschoolers participate in at least 60 minutes of structured physical activity per day, and at least 60 minutes of unstructured physical activity. Preschoolers should not be sedentary for more than 60 minutes at a time, unless sleeping.)

Preschoolers at childcare, though, spend 70 to 84% of their time in sedentary pursuits, and only 2 to 3% of their time in vigorous play.

The researchers wanted to know why, so they interviewed scores of childcare owners and workers. They identified three main barriers to active play -

1) Injury concerns

2) Financial

3) Focus on academics

-and concluded that, “societal priorities for young children – safety and school readiness – may be hindering children’s physical development.”

Think back to my conversation with the principal. Football was banned from the playground due to injury concerns. During the course of our conversation, I learned that our district’s 4th graders now only get one recess a day instead of two, and that the time that was previously spent on a second recess is now used for extra math practice. Sounds like prioritizing school readiness over play to me.

As a parent, I’m concerned, and not just for my own children. I’m acutely aware that my boys need time to run around and explore. But I also know that all children need opportunities for physical play, and that kid-structured playtime can improve academic learning and social skills. I know that boys, especially, have a competitive, aggressive streak that needs to find a safe outlet, and that learning to manage that streak is an important part of the trek to manhood.

As a licensed nurse, I’m also aware of the potential for injury. Boy #2 played organized tackle football for the first time this year, and believe me, I paid attention to news stories and research about concussions. Like all parents, I want my kids to grow up safe and healthy. But unlike some parents and educators, I’m willing to let my kids take physical risks, because I believe that in most cases, the benefits outweigh the risks.

You see, when I say that I want my kids to grow up safe and healthy, I mean that in a most holistic manner. I value their physical health, but I also value their emotional, spiritual and social health. I want my boys to learn to value and honor their instincts. I want them to learn from nature. And I want them to be adventurous explorers of their world. (For the record, I’d want the same for my daughters, if I had any.)

So while I know that climbing trees is a risky endeavor (they could break an arm!), I let my boys climb. (With some restrictions: the rule at our house has always been that you must be able to get into and out of the tree on your own.) I let them climb because I understand that it’s important for kids to test limits, to stretch their muscles and imaginations and to spend time in nature. When it comes to tree climbing, I personally believe that the benefits outweigh the risks.

Same thing with football. Yes, my boys might get hurt. But I believe that the fun and exercise and enjoyment they get from the game – not to mention the practice of learning to play well with others – exceeds the risk. The odds are extremely good that one of my boys will be hurt in some way while playing football. But the odds are better that any injuries experienced will be minor compared to the benefits they’ll obtain by playing the sport.

Somehow, though, social policies and values have shifted to the point that we, as a society, are more concerned about protecting our children than facilitating their development. Many of the childcare workers interviewed for the Pediatrics study expressed concern about the amount of time their charges spent in sedentary play, but felt pressure from parents to minimize physical play and to maximize academic engagement.

In fact, the study authors conclude that pediatricians (the paper’s target audience) may be able to increase kids’ physical activity by educating parents. "Pediatricians,” they write, “may need to highlight for parents the many learning benefits of outdoor play…and reassure parents that active time does not need to come at the expense of time dedicated to ‘academics’ and ‘learning.’”

I’m sad that it’s come to this – that doctors now have to educate parents as to the importance of active play. But I’m determined to do my part. So for the next month here at Blogging ‘Bout Boys, we’ll be talking about the importance of play. Help me get the conversation started. What challenges do you face in your community? Do kids in your school district get recess? Do you ever feel pressure from other parents to restrict your childrens’ play? What do you think we, as parents, can do to re-emphasize the importance of play?

How's School Doing?

We're almost one month into the official school year. How is school going for your son?

Whether you homeschool or send your kids to a public or private school, it's a good idea to periodically take stock and see what's working -- and what's not -- regarding your sons' education. Some things to look at:

• Your sons' mood: How are your sons after school or lessons? All in all, are they content and energized? Or are they spent and depleted? Overall, are they expressing positive emotions toward school and learning, or has their outlook toward class and/or learning become increasingly negative?
• Your sons' curiosity: How curious is your son about the world? Does he remain interested in a few special subjects? (Some boys love robots; mine happen to love fishing, sports and RC cars.) Or is he becoming apathetic? A lack of interest in things -- especially things he once loved -- can signal trouble.
• Your mood: How are you doing? Are you getting enough sleep? Do you feel generally content and satisfied with your current educational arrangement, or do you frequently feel frustrated, overwhelmed or powerless? Your feelings matter too.
• Family flow: Is your educational choice working for your family? By now, your family should have settled into some kind of school routine. Is it working for you? Or do you constantly feel like you're engaged in an uphill battle?
• Engagement in learning: Don't get overly excited (or concerned) about what your sons have (or have not) learned so far this year. Instead, check his engagement. Whatever your doing, does your son seem interested and engaged in the learning process? Or is he pulling further and further away from lessons and learning?

If you notice problems in any of these areas, it might be time to make some changes. Does your son need additional help at school? Perhaps the homeschooling curriculum that looked so good on paper isn't working out so well in real life. Maybe it's time to ditch it and try something else.

Be alert for emotional challenges at school as well. There's been a lot of attention to bullying lately, but sadly, it remains a problem and reality for many kids. No child will remain enthusiastic about a learning environment that damages his soul. If bullying is a problem for your son, step in -- now. You can find some great tips from the Mayo Clinic here.

This year, we made some major educational changes. Boys #2-4 are now enrolled in our local public school full-time. That's a big change for a family that's practiced relaxed homeschooling for the past 6-and-a-half years! But you know what? It's working so far.

Boy #4, age 5, comes home from kindergarten each day bubbling with information and activity. When I pick him up at school, he calls out "good-bye!" to about a dozen kids. Every day, he's eager to show me what he's learned.

Boys #2 and 3 are at our local middle school. Like many kids, their favorite subjects include Gym and Recess. Almost daily, they'll talk about their exploits on the playground. And while there have been some playground challenges -- Boy #3 doesn't like the fact that the kids tend to bicker more than they actually play -- neither child is bothered enough to step away from the activity. Both have made friends; nearly every day, at least one friend from school comes over to play. Both boys also remain surprisingly enthusiastic about reading. They need to read a certain number of minutes each day -- but the best part is that both seem to thoroughly enjoy the books they read.

Boy #1 continues to be homeschooled, but blends his home education with two formal classes at school (Integrated Language Arts and Science), vocal lessons, show choir, acting and fishing. He also writes for an outdoors website, hookandbullet.com. He, too, seems generally content with his educational arrangement.

And I now have some time to breathe. While I will forever value our years of homeschooling, homeschooling on my own over the past two years was HARD. The hard part: trying to find enough time for my kids while also earning a family supporting income. I did it, but my own health and well-being suffered. (See Bullet Point #3) It was time for a change. And while I'll continue to monitor my sons' learning and education, for now, our unconventional choice seems the best choice for us.

How are things in your home? Is your educational choice working out, or is it time to make some changes?