Yesterday, a 16-year-old California boy shot a classmate who allegedly bullied him.
The main story line -- boy brings gun to school and shoots -- is, sadly, not a new one. We have seen and heard this story before, far too many times. And whatever your stance is on guns, parenting, boys, education or bullying, I think we are all, as Jon Stewart said, anti-massacre. No one wants the shooting and killing of innocents to continue.
But gun violence, and violence in general, is a complex problem, and unlike some people, I don't believe that simply enacting gun limits and legislation will solve the problem. The problem goes deeper than that. And a complex problem deserves a complex approach.
Last night, as I pondered the California shooting, it occurred to me that perhaps I need to explicitly tell my boys that shooting someone who bullies you is not right. It's the kind of thing that I hope doesn't need to be said, but as I see and hear stories of boys doing incredibly stupid things (shooting classmates, allegedly raping unconscious girls) it occurs to me that it might not be safe or prudent to assume that my boys just "know" not to do those things.
Besides, I'm beginning to think that our words matter far less than our actions, when it comes to parenting kids.
You've seen that phenomenon play out in your own family already. Surely you've noticed that your kids are far more likely to do what you do (say, eat potato chips and pizza) than what you say (load up on veggies and fruits.) For better or for worse, you've probably already noticed that when angry, your kids react like the adults around them. You may talk to your child, again and again, about how important it is for him to use his words, but if you throw things in anger and frustration, even on occasion, I guarantee that your child will begin throwing things in anger at some point too.
I want my boys to know that it is never OK to pepper a bully, or anyone else, with bullets or gunshot. I want them to know that violence is not the answer to bullying. But what messages are we really giving our sons regarding bullying and the need to defend and stand up for one's self?
Just this week, at least two disturbing videos surfaced. Both featured men who are vehemently opposed to gun control legislation. Both feature men who seem to view any gun control legislation as a form a bullying, designed to take rights away from individual Americans. And both videos ended with men threatening gun violence if such measures are passed. Conservative radio host Alex Jones told CNN host Piers Morgan that "1776 will commence!" Tactical Response CEO James Yeager said he'll "be glad to fire the first shot," and encourages other "patriots" to "load their mags" and make sure their "rifles are clean." (Warning: Video includes graphic language.)
I want my boys, and yours, to learn that violence -- and especially gun violence -- is not an appropriate response to bullying. But we are living in a culture that subconsciously and overtly suggests that guns can solve problems. Is it any wonder that our boys are confused? That too many boys and men still reach for rifles and guns when they feel frustrated, abused or marginalized?
If we are truly to solve the problem of gun violence in this country, I think we need to look long and hard at our beliefs about violence, and about the right to stand up for one's self. We need national dialogue and reflection, not fingerpointing.
I don't have the answers. In fact, I fear I may be part of the problem. Not long ago, I wrote a blog post in which I wrote, "I do not agree that bullied children should not be allowed to stand up for themselves...Walking away from a fight almost never engenders respect among other boys; instead, it marks the walker as an easy target."
Today, I squirm when I read those words. I still believe them, mostly. I still believe that boys operate based on a hierarchy, and that refusing to acknowledge the ways in which boys think, act and respond leads to a lot of trouble. But more than anything -- and more than ever -- I believe that our boys need a bigger, brighter picture. They need to see men showing them healthy ways of solving conflict, instead of men threatening violence.
I know those men are out there. As a mom, I will support them, encourage them and continue, each and every day to talk about and model constructive problem solving.
Showing posts with label bullying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bullying. Show all posts
Friday, January 11, 2013
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Boys & Bullying, Take 2
I was bullied as a child and no one ever told me that I had a RIGHT to
my well-being and I learned to "take it." As a result, I allowed people
to push me around and I became a frightened, timid, individual until I
reached my mid-30s... What kind of mixed messages are we, the "grown-ups," sending children who bully and are bullied?
-- Lisa Blyth, Blogging 'Bout Boys reader who blogs at Living My Imagination
My previous post about Boys & Bullying generated a lot of interesting and provocative comments, including the one above. What do you think of her perspective?
I think she brings up an important and valid point. When we don't allow children to stand up for themselves -- and I'd argue that certain zero-tolerance policies make it very hard for kids to stand up for themselves -- we are, in effect, telling them to take it. We are slowly and subtly teaching them to tolerate abuse. And if the system (school officials, etc) fail to respond or protect the child, we are also teaching him (perhaps accurately) that the system is unreliable and has little to no interest in protecting people from psychological or emotional abuse.
But teachers and schools have a lot to handle, and even well-intentioned teachers and school administrators struggle with the issue of bullying. Take a look at some of these comments, which were posted on my Facebook page:
the problem is that bullying behavior is rarely reported, which puts a lot on the teachers to be able to spot it...but with as many demands as they have already, tht's one that slips through the cracks. it's also chalked up a lot to "kids will be kids."
-- A Wisconsin teacher
Pulling a card is a behavior management plan where a child pulls a card when they misbehave. As the infractions increase the punishment increase...if the child has a disability they can only receive 10 days per year. If this child had 10, the school hands are tied.
-- Principal of a Georgia elementary/middle school
Part of the problem, as the Wisconsin teacher points out, is that our schools contain a widely diverse student body:
Very few other countries have the poverty issues the the US has, nor do they have the number of special needs students.
Just imagine trying to deal with bullying in a class or school that contains hungry children, or children who have been abused, or kids who have serious disabilities and mental health concerns. I can see how that would be a challenge! And yet at the same time, I, like most other parents, want my children (and yours) to feel safe in school, at home, and in their community.
What I've learned, though, is that there are no easy answers. Solving bullying is not as simple as instituting an anti-bullying or zero-tolerance policy. It's not as simple as saying "use your words" or "fight back if necessary." To truly combat bullying, we need to address some serious societal problems. We need to address the home environment; I truly believe that a child who feels loved, valued and important is far less likely to bully another child than one who is belittled and abused at home.
Somehow, some way, we -- as a society -- have to learn to treat each other with respect, and we need to teach our children not only how to treat others with respect, but how to insist on respectful treatment as well. Because Lisa is right: sub-consciously encouraging our children to accept abuse, either at home or in school, will only perpetuate the problem.
-- Lisa Blyth, Blogging 'Bout Boys reader who blogs at Living My Imagination
My previous post about Boys & Bullying generated a lot of interesting and provocative comments, including the one above. What do you think of her perspective?
I think she brings up an important and valid point. When we don't allow children to stand up for themselves -- and I'd argue that certain zero-tolerance policies make it very hard for kids to stand up for themselves -- we are, in effect, telling them to take it. We are slowly and subtly teaching them to tolerate abuse. And if the system (school officials, etc) fail to respond or protect the child, we are also teaching him (perhaps accurately) that the system is unreliable and has little to no interest in protecting people from psychological or emotional abuse.
But teachers and schools have a lot to handle, and even well-intentioned teachers and school administrators struggle with the issue of bullying. Take a look at some of these comments, which were posted on my Facebook page:
the problem is that bullying behavior is rarely reported, which puts a lot on the teachers to be able to spot it...but with as many demands as they have already, tht's one that slips through the cracks. it's also chalked up a lot to "kids will be kids."
-- A Wisconsin teacher
Pulling a card is a behavior management plan where a child pulls a card when they misbehave. As the infractions increase the punishment increase...if the child has a disability they can only receive 10 days per year. If this child had 10, the school hands are tied.
-- Principal of a Georgia elementary/middle school
Part of the problem, as the Wisconsin teacher points out, is that our schools contain a widely diverse student body:
Very few other countries have the poverty issues the the US has, nor do they have the number of special needs students.
Just imagine trying to deal with bullying in a class or school that contains hungry children, or children who have been abused, or kids who have serious disabilities and mental health concerns. I can see how that would be a challenge! And yet at the same time, I, like most other parents, want my children (and yours) to feel safe in school, at home, and in their community.
What I've learned, though, is that there are no easy answers. Solving bullying is not as simple as instituting an anti-bullying or zero-tolerance policy. It's not as simple as saying "use your words" or "fight back if necessary." To truly combat bullying, we need to address some serious societal problems. We need to address the home environment; I truly believe that a child who feels loved, valued and important is far less likely to bully another child than one who is belittled and abused at home.
Somehow, some way, we -- as a society -- have to learn to treat each other with respect, and we need to teach our children not only how to treat others with respect, but how to insist on respectful treatment as well. Because Lisa is right: sub-consciously encouraging our children to accept abuse, either at home or in school, will only perpetuate the problem.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Boys & Bullying
We need to talk about bullying.
My news feed this morning contained not one, but two, disturbing stories of boys who were bullied. Boy #1, a 10-year-old, has been charged with a crime after taking a BB gun to school to intimidate his bullies. Boy #2, age 9, has been suspended from school after allegedly punching his bully in the face -- after the bully kicked and punched him.
These stories are not isolated. Close to home, I know a teenage boy who was suspended from school for physically standing up to the bully who'd harassed him for the better part of a year. I'm willing to bet that you've head similar stories in your hometown.
What's the answer?
I don't know. But I do know this: What we're doing isn't working. Telling our boys to ignore bullying, to walk away, to use their words and to tell a teacher isn't working. Our anti-bullying programs aren't working; if they were, there wouldn't be anymore bullying.
On my Homeschooling Boys Facebook page, we recently discussed the Daily Kos article, "'Bully': Getting Past 'Boys Will Be Boys,'" an article about the new movie Bully. The article notes that:
Bully is also concerned with how bullied kids are penalized for fighting back. Most powerfully, Ja'Meya faces more than 40 felony charges; obviously no one sane would argue that pulling a gun is the way to handle teen bullies, or that her action should go unpunished, but it's striking how the routine harassment and abuse bullied kids face is tolerated in contrast. Ty, the 11 year old boy who killed himself did so, his father says, after he was suspended from school for fighting—fighting back. Alex never fights back himself, but when his parents complained, backed up by the filmmakers' footage of Alex being assaulted, it was Alex, not the bullies, who is made to ride another bus.
I agree that we absolutely need to teach bullying prevention. And I agree that all children need to be taught multiple ways of handling conflict. But I do not agree that bullied children should not be allowed to stand up for themselves.
I am anti-violence in almost every way, shape and form. But I am also the mother of four boys, and as the mother of boys, I've learned a little bit about boy culture. For better or for worse, boy culture includes competition and dominance. Walking away from a fight almost never engenders respect among other boys; instead, it marks the walker as an easy target.
When my boys' father was in high school, one boy picked on him frequently. Finally, their Dad stood up for himself physically. The bully never bothered him again. How many of you know grown men who have similar stories?
I'm not saying we should encourage our boys to fight. I'm saying that we need to stop imposing the same penalties on both bullies and the bullied. Hitting someone (or physically intimidating them) once is not the same thing as consistently harassing, belittling and assaulting someone.
What do you think? How do you help your sons deal with bullies? What would you have done if you'd been the school administrators in the cases above?
My news feed this morning contained not one, but two, disturbing stories of boys who were bullied. Boy #1, a 10-year-old, has been charged with a crime after taking a BB gun to school to intimidate his bullies. Boy #2, age 9, has been suspended from school after allegedly punching his bully in the face -- after the bully kicked and punched him.
These stories are not isolated. Close to home, I know a teenage boy who was suspended from school for physically standing up to the bully who'd harassed him for the better part of a year. I'm willing to bet that you've head similar stories in your hometown.
What's the answer?
I don't know. But I do know this: What we're doing isn't working. Telling our boys to ignore bullying, to walk away, to use their words and to tell a teacher isn't working. Our anti-bullying programs aren't working; if they were, there wouldn't be anymore bullying.
On my Homeschooling Boys Facebook page, we recently discussed the Daily Kos article, "'Bully': Getting Past 'Boys Will Be Boys,'" an article about the new movie Bully. The article notes that:
Bully is also concerned with how bullied kids are penalized for fighting back. Most powerfully, Ja'Meya faces more than 40 felony charges; obviously no one sane would argue that pulling a gun is the way to handle teen bullies, or that her action should go unpunished, but it's striking how the routine harassment and abuse bullied kids face is tolerated in contrast. Ty, the 11 year old boy who killed himself did so, his father says, after he was suspended from school for fighting—fighting back. Alex never fights back himself, but when his parents complained, backed up by the filmmakers' footage of Alex being assaulted, it was Alex, not the bullies, who is made to ride another bus.
I agree that we absolutely need to teach bullying prevention. And I agree that all children need to be taught multiple ways of handling conflict. But I do not agree that bullied children should not be allowed to stand up for themselves.
I am anti-violence in almost every way, shape and form. But I am also the mother of four boys, and as the mother of boys, I've learned a little bit about boy culture. For better or for worse, boy culture includes competition and dominance. Walking away from a fight almost never engenders respect among other boys; instead, it marks the walker as an easy target.
When my boys' father was in high school, one boy picked on him frequently. Finally, their Dad stood up for himself physically. The bully never bothered him again. How many of you know grown men who have similar stories?
I'm not saying we should encourage our boys to fight. I'm saying that we need to stop imposing the same penalties on both bullies and the bullied. Hitting someone (or physically intimidating them) once is not the same thing as consistently harassing, belittling and assaulting someone.
What do you think? How do you help your sons deal with bullies? What would you have done if you'd been the school administrators in the cases above?
Friday, March 18, 2011
Should You Fight Back?
Bullying has been in the news a lot lately. Despite parents' and teachers' efforts to the contrary, bullying continues to exist, just as it has for, well, millenia. And while almost everyone now agrees that bullying needs to be stopped, I'm not sure sure we've figured out how to do that.
Sure, we tell our kids to treat others with respect. We tell them to intervene, to stand up beside the bullied in a show of solidarity. We tell them to report incidents of bullying to teachers, daycare providers and other authority figures. But is that enough?
Like it or not, our boys live in a culture that requires them to take a stand. According to the Boy Code, status and dominance are prominant, and every boy I know talks about the need to let other boys know that they won't take any guff from anyone. I see it in my house all the time. Even at home, in a family environment of love and acceptance, my 13-year-old feels the need to stand up to the torments of his younger brothers. Why? In the words of my 13- year-old: "because they need to learn they can't get way with treating me like that."
I see where he's coming from. But on a daily basis, I have a hard time reconciling boys' need to stand up for themselves with my desire to teach them peaceful, non-violent ways of conflict resolution. Yet at some level, I wonder if telling boys to speak up, walk away and tell an adult is enough for boys.
In Australia, a school boy was recently suspended after physically standing up to a bully. I know that fighting violence with violence is rarely the way to go. And the video is disturbing. But I'm willing to bet the younger bully leaves this kid alone from now on.
What do you think? Do you ever think it's appropriate (or necessary) for bullied boys to "fight back?" How can we help our boys end bullying while respecting their need to prove their dominance among other boys?
Sure, we tell our kids to treat others with respect. We tell them to intervene, to stand up beside the bullied in a show of solidarity. We tell them to report incidents of bullying to teachers, daycare providers and other authority figures. But is that enough?
Like it or not, our boys live in a culture that requires them to take a stand. According to the Boy Code, status and dominance are prominant, and every boy I know talks about the need to let other boys know that they won't take any guff from anyone. I see it in my house all the time. Even at home, in a family environment of love and acceptance, my 13-year-old feels the need to stand up to the torments of his younger brothers. Why? In the words of my 13- year-old: "because they need to learn they can't get way with treating me like that."
I see where he's coming from. But on a daily basis, I have a hard time reconciling boys' need to stand up for themselves with my desire to teach them peaceful, non-violent ways of conflict resolution. Yet at some level, I wonder if telling boys to speak up, walk away and tell an adult is enough for boys.
In Australia, a school boy was recently suspended after physically standing up to a bully. I know that fighting violence with violence is rarely the way to go. And the video is disturbing. But I'm willing to bet the younger bully leaves this kid alone from now on.
What do you think? Do you ever think it's appropriate (or necessary) for bullied boys to "fight back?" How can we help our boys end bullying while respecting their need to prove their dominance among other boys?
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