How to Help Boys

There's been a lot of talk lately about boys -- specifically, how boys & why boys are falling behind girls academically -- and I've been strangely silent.

Why?

I could, quite legitimately, blame the fact that I has a nasty case of influenza, which worked its way through my household and wrecked havoc on my schedule. I could also plead laziness; I just returned from a much-needed (see influenza, nasty) getaway to Mexico. But the truth of the matter is that I get tired of stories and articles that endlessly debate the reasons our sons aren't doing as well as we might hope.

As a mom of four boys, the reasons for boys' underachievement seem glaringly obvious: Lack of unstructured outside time. A school environment that too often equates learning and teaching with sitting down and filling in worksheets. A culture that frowns on very typical boy behavior -- rough-housing, pretend gun play, competitiveness. Very one-note depictions of boys, men and masculinity.

I get it. The deck is stacked against our boys. And while part of me is thrilled that this fact is beginning to attract national attention, I'm less-than-optimistic that all of this conversation will lead to real changes in our educational system and culture. So why even talk about it anymore?

And then it occurred to me: What is missing from the conversation is how to help our boys thrive right now. My boys, and yours, may be attending schools that offer far too little recess and far too many worksheets. Your boys, like mine, may find themselves in trouble time and time again for wiggling or squiggling in school when they're 4, 5, 6 or 7 -- when, in reality, the school is not meeting your sons' educational needs. And your boys, and mine, are surrounded by negative examples of manhood and masculinity. So what?

The fact is, we can't throw up our hands or simply sigh and bemoan this sad state of affairs. We have boys to raise. Our job, as parents, is to help our boys thrive, no matter what. 

So how can you help your sons thrive in the current environment? Try these tips:

1. Love him, no matter what. Boys, like all human beings, need love and affection and approval. Boys need to hear you say, "I love you," and they need hugs and kisses and physical affection as well. Keep in mind that boys don't always give and receive love in the ways you might think. Here's a list of 14 Ways to Tell You Son 'I Love You.'
2. Accept him, as is. Some boys love running around outside and playing sports. Some love theatre. (Some love theatre and sports!) Some are quiet; others are extroverted. There is no one mold for boys. Boys come in many different permutations. Show your son that you accept and value him by supporting and validating his interests. 
3. Give him room to explore. Let your boys get dirty. Let them experiment and see what happens. (Today's experiment, at my house, involved food coloring, water and a tornado cup.) Try to carve out and protect plenty of free, unstructured time.
4. Read to him. The science is clear: reading to children increases their vocabulary, their reading skills and their academic success. Boys big and little enjoy hearing stories. (Need some help getting started? Here's a list of Books for Boys.) Independent readers may or may not want to sit around for a read-aloud, so make sure you leave interesting reading material strewn around the house as well. 
5. Don't rush academic education. Kindergarten, first grade and even preschool today are not at all like what you may remember from your childhood. Kids today are expected to sit still and read and write at much younger ages than we ever were. And while some kids can handle early academics, some -- primarily boys -- cannot. To learn more about boys and school, check out my Parents magazine article, Help Your Son Succeed in School. 
6. Speak up! Are you concerned about a lack of recess at your sons' school? Upset about a reading curriculum that forces girl-friendly titles on your boys to the exclusion of books that interest your sons?  Talk about it --  with other parents, with your sons' teachers, with the school administration, with the school board and with anyone else that will listen. As a parent of boys, it can be easy to assume that everyone knows what boys need, but that's simply not true. Expressing your concerns and proposing alternative solutions will go a long way towards helping create more boy-friendly environments. When my boys were upset because the school banned ball play at recess, I scheduled a meeting to talk with the principal. I'm happy to report that balls (including footballs) are once again allowed at recess.

I firmly believe that change toward a more inclusive, boy-friendly environment will come slowly, and only when parents insist upon and work toward boy-friendly solutions. So let's tackle this problem, one family at a time.

How are you helping your boys succeed in the current climate? Have you ever taken a stand for your boys' needs or rights?

Invest in Families, Not Meds

We’ve decided as a society that it’s too expensive to modify the kid’s environment. So we have to modify the kid.
     -- Dr. Michael Anderson, quoted in today's NYT

If that quote doesn't send chills up your spine, I don't know what will.

Dr. Anderson (and other docs, also quoted in the NYT) are prescribing ADHD medications -- stimulants -- to  help young, low-income kids function in school.


Photo by Arenamontanous via Flickr

Let me repeat that again: Doctors are prescribing high-powered stimulant medication to young children because, in many cases, they feel it's the kids' best chance. These kids are poor. They live in low-income communities and attend low-income, often poor-quality, schools. And our politicians and public have decided that it's far too expensive to improve the kids' living circumstances or schools, so these kids are living -- and trying to learn -- in sub-par environments. The kids' school environment isn't likely to change. The families' financial situations are not likely to change. So the docs are using one of the only tools at their disposal: they're prescribing stimulant medication, which has been shown to improve school performance. These docs know that education is the kids' best chance at a better future, and they knew that the odds of the schools and communities suddenly meeting the very real needs of these kids and families is infintesimal. So they prescribe the meds.

 “We might not know the long-term effects [of stimulant use in young children], but we do know the short-term costs of school failure, which are real. I am looking to the individual person and where they are right now," Dr. Anderson says in the NYT article, Attention Disorder or Not, Pills to Help in School.

I am outraged. Outraged! OUTRAGED!

We value our children so little in this society that we would rather stuff drugs into their young bodies and brains than invest in programs and policies that could improve their world.

And boys may be disproportionately feeling the effects of this resistance to investing in kids' well-being. According to The Boys Initiative, 3 times as many boys as girls are diagnosed with ADHD. Who knows how many of them actually have ADHD, and how many are simply prescribed the drugs as a way of helping them fit into an educational mold that doesn't fully consider their needs? In the Times article, Dr. Anderson says "the children he sees with academic problems are essentially 'mismatched with their environment.'"

I've written before about the mis-match between boys and school. (Most recently, in Boys & School.)
And I've written before about the need to support families if we want children to succeed in school. (Most recently, in Supporting Families & Education.)

But I'm frustrated. I can write about these topics until my fingers are numb, but unless and until our society begins to recognize the importance of families, and value children, it will all be for naught. Our children, and our boys in particular, will continue to suffer.

We can talk all day about the importance of individual responsbility, and the role of government, and still get nowhere. Because at the end of the day, American is still a country that is long on talk and short on support. We say our children are the future, but vote down school referendums, demonize teachers and stash our children in big-box institutions that may or may not meet our kids' needs so we can work and earn the almighty dollar. We say that parenthood is an honorable profession, but refuse to support policies that would allow parents to spend meaningful time with their children.

We refuse to admit that raising great kids takes time. And we refuse to admit that it's important to invest in all kids.

Kids in poor neighborhoods are not throw-aways. They are kids, just like yours. It doesn't matter what their parents did or didn't do. It doesn't matter what their grandparents did or didn't do. What matters is that they have needs and desires and potential, and we, as a society, as turning away from them.

We are stuffing meds down their gullet instead of working to improve their lives.

That has to stop.

I can't stop this neglect alone. But I can, and will, write about it. I can, and will, work within my community to make sure that families have the resources they need to thrive. And I can -- and will -- vote for policies and politicians that support kids and families.

Our kids deserve support, not pharmaceutical shortcuts.

Boys, Education and Single Parenthood

Talk about an article designed to attract my attention.

An article published yesterday in The Guardian, a British newspaper, carries this provocative headline and subtitle: "Girls 'more resilent' than boys at school: Girls from single-parent families outperform boys in class because they are less affected by parental input, study shows."

As a divorced parent of four boys, I found the article a somewhat depressing retread of a oft-expressed theory: Boys don't do well in single parent homes.

The article states that the so-called "gender gap" in education -- the tendency for boys to underperform in school, as compared to girls -- may be because boys from single parent homes are more likely to have behavioral and emotional problems that carry over into the school setting, while girls don't seem disturbed by the lack of a two-parent household.

According to the article, "Boys raised outside a traditional two-parent family were more likely to display behavioural and self-control problems in class and were suspended more often...By the time the children were 10 or 11 the "gender gap" between boys and girls displaying behaviour problems in school was twice as big for those brought up by single mothers as those from traditional families."

When the boys' dad and I first separated, I quite naturally fretted about the impact of our separation on the boys. (I still do!) Like all modern, 21st century parents, I turned to Google for answers. What I found did not reassure me. Google told me that boys are more likely than girls to become depressed and angry after their parents' divorce. That they're more likely to have academic and behavioral problems, more likely to assume blame and increasingly likely to become distanced from their mother.

Now another study tells me that boys in single parents families are all-but-destined for academic failure??

Well, I refuse to believe it. I refuse to believe that our divorce will doom our boys to a less-than life. I know that our divorce affected them -- and affected them greatly -- but I will not let the divorce be an excuse for academic failure, behavorial problems or relationship issues. I fully, completely, 100% believe that children of divorced and single parents can grow up to become functioning, well-adjusted human beings. And while my ex and I are not perfect, I believe that we're doing some things to mitigate the effect of our divorce.

One: We are both still actively involved in our boys' lives. The Guardian newspaper article doesn't mention if the boys in the study had involved dads; it merely says "single parent families." As you and I both know, single parent families are frequently headed by women. Moms can raise some fabulous sons, but I think it behooves the moms, dads, sons and society to have some continued strong male involvement in boys' lives. Was the problem really that the boys were raised in single parent families, or that they had no strong male role models?

Two: When we see a behavioral problem, we address it. Please don't take this to mean that the boys' dad and I are model co-parents. We're not. Most of the time, we barely talk, and our values and beliefs regarding parenting differ. But...we both want our boys to be functioning members of society. We both want our boys to function well in and out of the classroom. And you can bet that if either one of us hears that our sons are acting up in (or outside of school), we will address the issue. Our boys have had counseling; that remains an option, should it be needed again in the future. I also work with the boys daily on basic problem solving, anger management and interpersonal relations.

Three: We support the boys' interests and educational pursuits. My house is filled with books. The boys' dad loves to watch educational documentary style shows (think "Ice Road Truckers" and "American Pickers") with the boys. We also make it a point to weave the boys' natural interests into our days and the boys' education. Boy #1 is an avid fisherman; I showed him how to use the library website to access every fishing book within our interlibrary loan system, and his dad helped him get and outfit a simple boat and takes him fishing. #2 loves sports: He plays football, basketball and baseball, and has lots of fiction and non-fiction books about sports. #3 is gettting into robotics, electronics and RC cars. Guess what he got for Christmas? I gotta think that all of that educational support will make a difference for the boys in the long run.

What do you think? Do you think that life in a single parent household dooms boys to a life of educational failure? Or do you think that parenting is more important than household or family structure?

Supporting Families and Education

Finland is doing something right.

At least, that's the basic premise behind a recent Milwaukee Journal Sentinel article, "All Eyes on Education." Finnish students excel on international measures of academic achievement; they consistently receive high scores in reading, math and science. Finland also has one of the world's smallest achievement gaps between its lowest- and highest-performing school. And they do it all on a per-kid education budget that's less than the United States'.

But as the article makes clear, Finns' educational success isn't completely due to high standards for teachers and an emphasis on creativity and independent thought. The country also places a high value on the family -- and, unlike the United States, which pays lip service to the importance of family but actually does very little support families, Finland puts its money where its priorities lie.

While the United States leaves parents alone to figure out how to juggle work, family, childcare and education, the Finnish government allows parents (of both sexes!) to take up to 17 weeks of paid vacation of the birth of a child. If they wish, parents can add on another three years of unpaid leave. Free daycare is available for all children from infancy to kindergarten-age, but if parents choose to care for their children at home, they receive a monthly home-care allowance from the government. That's on top of the monthly child support money every single family receives until the kids are grown, the one the article says parents get because Finns believe "that raising children shouldn't be an undue financial burden for families."

Oh, and they get healthcare as well.

Think about it: How different would life be if all parents were able to take time off of work to bond with their babies? If parents who wanted to nurture their children at home were given the resources to do so, instead of being financially forced to place their children into often sub-standard childcare arrangements so that they can pay the bills and have health insurance?

What would it be like if we gave families the tools they needed to raise and nurture the next generation?

Yes, such government support comes at a cost. According to the Journal Sentinel article, income taxes in Finland range from 6.5% to 30%; municipal taxes are 16 to 21%, depending on income. But I wonder: How much would that really affect my daily budget? I mean, if I got healthcare and childcare and some child support from the government back, would I really be paying any more per month? Or would I merely be participating in a system that does its best to ensure that all kids get a good start in life?

Because I believe that what happens at home is always more important than what happens at school. Whether you're in Finland or inner city L.A., what happens at home has far more bearing on your education and character development than anything that happens in the classroom.

I'm in no position to emigrate to Finland, so for now, I will do everything I can to support families and education here in the U.S. For me, that has meant sacrificing years of income and retirement security to be with my kids in their younger years. It means continuing to support my kids' interests and outside activities, even now that most of them are in school. It also means supporting moms and dads by the dissemination of information. That's why I write articles; that's why I blog.

It's also why I try to provide support and encouragement to every parent I meet. Parenting is hard work, and even if I can't help with the specifics of your situation, I can assure you that challenges are normal and that the struggle is worth the effort. I can smile at mom with two crying kids in a stroller; perhaps my smile will signal to her that I think her efforts are worthwhile.

I can also work in community to meet the needs of the families around me. I can donate food to my local food pantry, buy gifts for families in need over the holidays and support legislation that supports families and education.

What are you doing to support families and education? Do you think government should play a larger role in the support of families, ala Finland? Or do you think there's something to be said for the U.S. approach?

Get Ready for Veteran's Day

I know it's not even Halloween, but Veteran's Day (November 11) is fast approaching. Want to mark the day in a meaninful manner? Check out my blog post, Honoring Our Vets, at The Homeschool Classroom.

How's School Doing?

We're almost one month into the official school year. How is school going for your son?

Whether you homeschool or send your kids to a public or private school, it's a good idea to periodically take stock and see what's working -- and what's not -- regarding your sons' education. Some things to look at:

• Your sons' mood: How are your sons after school or lessons? All in all, are they content and energized? Or are they spent and depleted? Overall, are they expressing positive emotions toward school and learning, or has their outlook toward class and/or learning become increasingly negative?
• Your sons' curiosity: How curious is your son about the world? Does he remain interested in a few special subjects? (Some boys love robots; mine happen to love fishing, sports and RC cars.) Or is he becoming apathetic? A lack of interest in things -- especially things he once loved -- can signal trouble.
• Your mood: How are you doing? Are you getting enough sleep? Do you feel generally content and satisfied with your current educational arrangement, or do you frequently feel frustrated, overwhelmed or powerless? Your feelings matter too.
• Family flow: Is your educational choice working for your family? By now, your family should have settled into some kind of school routine. Is it working for you? Or do you constantly feel like you're engaged in an uphill battle?
• Engagement in learning: Don't get overly excited (or concerned) about what your sons have (or have not) learned so far this year. Instead, check his engagement. Whatever your doing, does your son seem interested and engaged in the learning process? Or is he pulling further and further away from lessons and learning?

If you notice problems in any of these areas, it might be time to make some changes. Does your son need additional help at school? Perhaps the homeschooling curriculum that looked so good on paper isn't working out so well in real life. Maybe it's time to ditch it and try something else.

Be alert for emotional challenges at school as well. There's been a lot of attention to bullying lately, but sadly, it remains a problem and reality for many kids. No child will remain enthusiastic about a learning environment that damages his soul. If bullying is a problem for your son, step in -- now. You can find some great tips from the Mayo Clinic here.

This year, we made some major educational changes. Boys #2-4 are now enrolled in our local public school full-time. That's a big change for a family that's practiced relaxed homeschooling for the past 6-and-a-half years! But you know what? It's working so far.

Boy #4, age 5, comes home from kindergarten each day bubbling with information and activity. When I pick him up at school, he calls out "good-bye!" to about a dozen kids. Every day, he's eager to show me what he's learned.

Boys #2 and 3 are at our local middle school. Like many kids, their favorite subjects include Gym and Recess. Almost daily, they'll talk about their exploits on the playground. And while there have been some playground challenges -- Boy #3 doesn't like the fact that the kids tend to bicker more than they actually play -- neither child is bothered enough to step away from the activity. Both have made friends; nearly every day, at least one friend from school comes over to play. Both boys also remain surprisingly enthusiastic about reading. They need to read a certain number of minutes each day -- but the best part is that both seem to thoroughly enjoy the books they read.

Boy #1 continues to be homeschooled, but blends his home education with two formal classes at school (Integrated Language Arts and Science), vocal lessons, show choir, acting and fishing. He also writes for an outdoors website, hookandbullet.com. He, too, seems generally content with his educational arrangement.

And I now have some time to breathe. While I will forever value our years of homeschooling, homeschooling on my own over the past two years was HARD. The hard part: trying to find enough time for my kids while also earning a family supporting income. I did it, but my own health and well-being suffered. (See Bullet Point #3) It was time for a change. And while I'll continue to monitor my sons' learning and education, for now, our unconventional choice seems the best choice for us.

How are things in your home? Is your educational choice working out, or is it time to make some changes?

Characteristics of Homeschooling Families

Have I mentioned the fact that I'm blogging for The Homeschool Classroom this year?

My first post, 7 Characteristics of Homeschooling Families, went live yesterday. Check it out and let me know what you think.

The Best School For Your Boy

If school choice is fluid -- and no one educational choice is "the best" -- how exactly do you go about finding the best school for your son?

That's really the million dollar question, isn't it?

We've talked previously about the fact that there is no one-size-fits-all answer to the education question. And we've covered the fact that what works for your son today (homeschooling, public school, etc.) may not work next year. We've also talked extensively about the fact that boys tend to learn differently than girls.

Now author Peg Tyre, perhaps best known for her book The Trouble With Boys, provides parents with some basic guidelines to use when evaluating educational options. In her latest book, The Good School, Tyre says that parents should look at the relationship between teacher and students, the general intellectual environment (does it include plenty of words? everyday references to mathematical concepts?) and school playgrounds.

In an interview with TIME magazine,Tyre advises parents to avoid schools without playgronds. She says, "kids need downtime — a break from the rigor" and recommends twenty minutes of recess a day, "at least."

Tyre also says that test scores have been over-emphasized in the past. (The TIME magazine article says, "Standardized tests only measure about a third of the curriculum that should be being taught in the school, which means if the school is only teaching the test material, your child is missing out on a lot.")

Instead of focusing on a school's standardized test scores, look at what's really going on in the classroom. Are the students connecting with the teacher? Excited about learning? Involved in their education? If so, odds are good that there's a lot of learning happening in the classroom.

Tyre also suggest looking past labels. A private school may not be better than a public school, and a charter school is not necessarily better (or worse) than any other school.

Bottom line:

• Know your son. Is your son a hands-on learner? Does he require lots of quiet time to absorb a concept, or does he do best in an active setting? Knowing your son's likes, dislikes and learning style can help you select an academic environment that fits his needs.
  


• Let go of your preconceived notions. You might have grown up believing that private school is the way to go, but that doesn't mean that the private school in your neighborhood will be the best fit for your son or your family. Open your mind and expand your options.
  


• Insist on activity. Boys (and girls) absolutely, positively must move around during the day. They also need time for free play.
  


• Words matter. One of the biggest determinants of academic success is the size of a child's vocabularly on entrance to kindergarten. So don't be afraid to use big words at home -- and don't shy away from schools or teacher who introduce complex subjects to small kids (in an age-appropriate manner, of course).
  


• Relationships matter! Tyre's #1 tip (in the TIME article) is that the relationship between teacher and student is prime, especially in preschool. You know what that means? If you're considering homeschooling your child, but hesitate because you feel unqualified, consider taking the leap. In the early years, the relationship between teacher and student is paramount -- and what could be closer than the relationship between parent and child? (If, however, homeschooling is putting a strain on your relationship, it might be time to investigate other educational alternatives.)
  


• Think about your needs. For a lot of years, I neglected my needs in favor of what I considered best for my boys. I'm learning to see, though, that a stressed-out, stretched-to-the-limit homeschooling mom may not be in my boys' best interests. I need to sleep, rest and work, and that's OK. So don't feel obligated to drive an hour across town to the "best" school. If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for your family.

What Kids Need to Learn

On March 30, in response to a Boston Globe article about kids and learning, I wrote, "What kids need to learn is 1. Time, 2. Space, 3. Access to Materials and 4. Support. They also need Freedom to Explore." I dubbed this the "time-space-access-support-freedom framework for learning."

I wrote that blog post based entirely on my own experiences and observations. I have seen, time and again, how my own children (and others) learn amazing things when left to their own devices in an enriching environment -- especially when there's an adult nearby to build on their interest and enthusiasm.

Flash forward to today. I'm in the midst of researching an article about scientific thinking in young children when these sentences catch my eye:

An environment that fosters scientific thiking is one that gives young children the time, space, and materials to exercise their curiosity. It also gives them the freedom to engage in child-centered explorations, experimentations, and explanations.

Those sentences, authored by Ruth Wilson, PhD, are part of a larger article entitled, "Promoting the Development of Scientific Thinking." They also echo my earlier sentiments exactly.

So...

Let your son splash in the tub. Toss in some old plastic containers as well.

Catch bugs with him. Talk about what they eat and where they live.

Let him play in the dirt. He'll find rocks and worms and bugs and a million other things to ponder.

Tolerate experimentation in the kitchen. My boys have mixed together some pretty nasty concotions, but learned a ton in the process.

Buy balloons. And magnets. Magnifying glasses too. Let your sons play with them.

Stop cringing when your son brings home critters. Let him observe and care for his catches briefly (if possible). Then help him figure out an appropriate habitat for said critters.

Encourage collections. I know -- you probably have too many rocks in the house already. But young boys learn by observing, comparing and classifying.

What are some of your favorite ways to encourage learning?

Boy Energy

I'll be speaking at the Wisconsin Parents Association conference in Oshkosh this weekend, reprising last year's Homeschooling Boys session. I'll also be presenting a new session, Boundless Energy: Understanding (and Respecting) Boys' Need for Movement.

Boys, as you well know, are built for action. Staying still is not their strong suit; jumping off couches is more their speed. But that nearly constant craving for activity can wear out even the most tolerant mom. My boys get away with a lot of stuff (see picture), but at some point, even I want to turn around and yell, "Stop!"

How do you cope with your sons' energy? Do you have any tips to help boys settle down and complete their assigned school work? Or do you eschew sit-down school work all together and plan innovative, active lessons? How do YOU help your boys learn? I'd love to share your comments, thoughts and ideas at my session this weekend.

The Boys Initiative

I have stumbled onto a treasure trove of information.

Today, in my inbox, I found a press release announcing the launch of The Boys Initiative, a "national campaign to address alarming negative trends in recent years pertaining to boys' educationl achievement and social adjustment."

As you know, I started this blog to address just those trends. My goal was -- and remains -- to share information about boys so that parents can make decisions from an informed perspective. I want concerned parents to know that they are not the only ones worrying over sons who lag behind in reading, whose behavior has been deemed unacceptable for the classroom and who wonder if the current academic environment might not have something to do with boys' troubles. I want parents to know the biological and developmental reality of boys. I want them to know about news and research studies that highlight the issues and concerns of today's boys, as well as some of the innovative programs that are helping boys across the country. I want to create a safe space where parents can share their concerns and draw strength from one another.

The Boys Initiative shares many of the same goals. Their website is FULL of useful resources. Need some facts or figures about boys' academic achievement? Need to know about boys' unique mental health concerns? Alternative educational options? Expert opinions and the latest research? It's all there.


Visit The Boys Initiative. Add your voice to the voices of others concerned for our sons. And always, continue to do your best at home. Parenting boys is a lot of work, but together, we can make a difference, one boy at a time.

Absent

As many of you have noticed, I've been absent for a stretch. I'll be honest: my life has been in a state of transition. My divorce was finalized at the end of September and I've been concentrating on rebuilding my life. But my blog, I've realized, is part of my life -- and part of yours too. So I promise you that I'll be back soon. I'll be taking some steps to revamp the blog (this background has GOT to go!), making this a perfect time to solicit your feedback.

What would you like to see more of on Blogging 'Bout Boys? What would you like to see less of? Book reviews, guest posts, video clips? A Q & A section? A Readers-Give-Advice section? Are there any topics you'd like to see addressed?

I want this blog to be an Internet home for parents of boys. I want to share information and ideas to help us raise and educate our sons. So, how can I help you?

Book Review: Tutor in a Book

It's the third week of school. How's it going?

School is a struggle for many boys. But that doesn't mean your sons are doomed to a lifetime of sub-par academic achievement. The key is understanding your son. What makes him tick? How does he learn? What obstacles are blocking his success?

Alexandra Mayzler, founder of Thinking Caps Tutoring, has written a new book to help all students reach their academic potential. Tutor in a Book: Better Grades as Easy as 1-2-3 features interactive quizzes to help you assess your child's learning style and situation, as well as real-life case studies and dozens of practical tips designed to boost your child's organization, time management and study skills.

Recently, I talked to Alexandra about the best ways to help boys learn:

Why do so many boys struggle in school?

I think that boys have a lot of energy, and it takes a lot of willpower for a middle school boy to hold that in while sitting in a chair for a whole lesson. Asking any child to sit quietly for a long period of time is a challenge, but boys, from the beginning are encouraged to be active, so honing focus is an even bigger challenge. Also, in the middle school years, a boy might be more inclined to rebel, so the consequences of rebellion may play out in school work.


Boys often have difficulty with the classic sit-down-and-learn approach that's so common in today's classroom. Are there any techniques that you find particularly useful when tutoring boys?


Make class interactive. Encourage boys to come up to the board and write answers. If there is time, start or finish a class period with an activity involving movement, such as stretching or a partner activity. Try hands-on projects such as diagrams or making boardgames. We also like to have boys do homework in non-traditional spots such as on the floor. As long as they stay organized and keep track of the materials, changing the homework spot can help boys stay focused.

So often, homework turns into a battle. What's your #1 homework tip for parents of boys?

Who knows your boy better than you do? Adapt a homework approach that fits his needs and lifestyle. If he needs to move around a lot during homework time, schedule short, frequent breaks. Communicate your goals and expectations before there’s a problem and hear what your son has to say about his hopes for the school year. By personalizing the study process and keeping communication lines open everyone can have a successful year!

Disclaimer: I received a free review copy of Tutor in a Book.

Books About Boys: I'm Outnumbered!

Laura Lee Groves gets me. As another mom of four boys, she fully understands the joys and challenges of raising a houseful of mini-men. That's why I'm thrilled to announce the publication of her book, I'm Outnumbered: One Mom's Lessons in the Lively Art of Raising Boys.

Laura is a high school English and drama teacher who writes to bring encouragement and inspiration to moms. She's has written for Moody Magazine, Focus on the Family’s Focus on Your Child, Coral Ridge Ministries and has penned and directed several madrigal dinner plays.

I recently asked Laura a few questions about the art of raising boys:

What's the hardest thing about being a mom of boys?

To me, feeling so outnumbered. I love my boys, but I have often felt rather isolated, as a woman. There have been times I've felt misunderstood, too, by moms whose lives were so different from mine.

How are the dynamics in a many-boy household different from a one-boy household?

Same thing only more! When there's only one boy, he doesn't have anyone to wrestle with. Increase the number of boys, and the wrestling multiplies exponentially! The dynamics of multiple boys is both fascinating and frightening. When they're a band of brothers, it's wonderful; when they're in competition (so common with boys), it can get crazy.

What would you say are some of the top challenges facing boys today -- and how can parents help?

Media choices, I'd say. Teaching our boys to discern is the key -- guiding and leading them to make wise choices for themselves. The lure of technology is so great and will only grow in coming years. We won't always be there, and our boys needs to know how to maintain balance in the light of that lure.

A lot of boys today seem to be struggling in school. As a teacher and mom of boys, why do you think this is so? What can be done to help boys learn?

Oh, I think there are many reasons, ranging from acceptance of stereotypes (on the part of teachers and parents), lack of understanding of boys by teachers, and the nature of the boy beast (in the current educational atmosphere). The best thing we can do is foster and nurture a love of learning and discovery -- early -- so that it lasts. Next, we need to set the bar for our boys and expect excellence while balancing that with unconditional love. We need to look for their best in all things and be willing to accept their best as their best. We can't tie our acceptance to their educational -- or any other type of -- achievement.

How have your boys helped you grow?

Oh, my. I truly understand the male beast better after raising four of them. They helped develop a different side of me -- helped me keep alive the wonder and discovery and joy of childhood. Even though they're young men, they continue to be captivated by the wonder of discovery, and they drag me along. Practically, my experience with them pushed me to write a book, and I've certainly grown though that process.

Want to know more about Laura? Visit her (wonderful!) blog at www.outnumberedmom.com/.
Want a copy of her book? Enter my contest! Laura has agreed to donate one signed copy of I'm Outnumbered! to one lucky Blogging 'Bout Boys reader. To enter:

• Leave a comment, either telling me one thing you've learned about raising boys or asking a question about boys. I'll answer all questions in future posts.
• Be sure to include your contact info! Please leave an email address, so I can contact you if you're the winner.
• One comment = one entry. (And please, no more than one comment per blog post). To earn additional entries, you can...
• Tweet the contest. Each tweet (up to one per day per entrant) equals one more entry. Please include my Twitter tag (@jlwf) so I know you've tweeted!
• Mention the contest on Facebook. Again, be sure to let me know. (You can find me on Facebook as Jennifer L.W. Fink.)
• Mention the contest in a blog post and include a link back to my blog. I love getting to know other bloggers!

Now for the legal mumbo-jumbo: The contest will run through midnight CST next Friday, September 10. The winner will be drawn at random via http://www.random.org/ and will be notified ASAP. Laura will send the book directly to the winner.

Ready? Comment!

Best of the Blogs: Boys in the News

Fridays have traditionally been Best of the Blogs day here at Blogging 'Bout Boys, a round-up of some the best boy-related blogs on the 'Net. But this week, I ran across so many fascinating news articles that I'm going to focus on news instead. (Who says journalism is dead?)

I first saw Debra-Lynn B. Hook's article, "There's Something to Be Said for Summer Vacation," in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, but apparently (and thankfully), her article ran nationwide. Hook, a mother of three, decries the push toward year 'round school. An excerpt:

My disdain...is built around the the concept of "academic achievement." Don't get me wrong. I support public education and every child having the opportunity to do well in school. What I do not support is academic achievement as the definition of childhood's success.

CNN also ran an interesting article this week, entitled, "ADHD: Who Makes the Diagnosis?" All too often, the article suggests, teachers are the ones who suggest a diagnosis of ADHD -- but only physicians are qualified to diagnose and treat the disease. Other conditions, such as depression or anxiety, can trigger similar sypmtoms but require a completely different approach. If you have a son in school, you owe it to him to learn as much as you can about ADHD; ADHD is most often diagnosed in boys and occassionally used as a catch-all diagnosis to describe boys who simply have a hard time sitting still in classroom settings.

In fact, if ADHD has ever been mentioned in relationship to your son, you deserve to know about a new study out of Duke University. As reported in the Sept. 2010 issue of Family Circle, Duke researchers strongly suggest re-assessing kids with ADHD every year. A different classroom dynamic, they say, may lesson symptoms. In fact, they found that one-third of kids with ADHD showed no trouble concentrating the following year.

Another longitudinal study suggests that personality is pretty well established by first grade. The 40-year-study, soon-to-be-reported in the the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, followed 2400 individuals from childhood to adulthood and found that "talkative youngsters tended to show interest in intellectual matters, speak fluently, try to control situations, and exhibit a high degree of intelligence as adults. Children who rated low to verbal fluency were observed as adults to seek advice, give up when faced with obstacles, and exhibit an awkward personal style."

Finally, Colin Mason's article, "Are Children The Enemy of Productivity?" expresses my experience perfectly. I have four kids, and the writing/parenting question I get most often is, "How in the world do you manage to write with all those kids around?" The logistical answer is that it's not always easy. The logistical answer includes a basement office, a shared parenting schedule and kids who know that "Mommy's doing an interview" means "stay out of my office!" But the full truth is that I wouldn't be writing without my kids. From Mason:

Children see things that we cannot see, they remind us of truths and insights that we long ago forgot. And they remind us that the greatest insights in the world were discovered not while ponderously meditating, but while delighting in the simple pleasures and pains of life...Children are a great blessing to grown-ups not simply because of the joy, the wonder, and the incredible privilege of caring for a young soul that they provide. Children are also a blessing because they are a kind of living alarm clock, telling us that it is time to wake up and seize the day.

That's the message, I think, that has gotten lost in our society's obsession with happiness. Children may or may not make us "happier," but they enhance our lives in myriad ways.

Happy browsing!

Best of the Blogs

Parenthood is a full-time job (plus!). Picking up crackers, wiping snotty noses and reading All About Diggers for the 100th time doesn't exactly leave a lot of time for personal pursuits. And many, many parents, caught up in the whirlwind that is parenthood, let themselves go for a period of time. They push their dreams and passions aside while caring, exhaustively, for the needs of their children. But is that they way to go? Visit Boy Crazy to read a great post, On motherhood and art and our former selves. (You'll see a comment from me there as well.)

A lot of parents struggle with feeling of incompetence too. But as Jan Udlock learned, there's a big difference between "incompetent" and "learning." Read more at Imperfect Mom.

Interested in healthy, hearty, homegrown food for your family? Andrea at Say YES 2 Boys is busy reading about food, and she shares her favorites books with you in Books, Chickens and Boys.

Education Week has a great post about educational standards. No Child Left Behind may have been well-intentioned, but the standards generated in its wake are often nearly unobtainable, especially for many young boys.

Read anything else interesting this week? Send me a link!

Gender Intensification

Do we really want to make the differences between boys/girls even more wider than they already are? If we divide education along gender lines, will the divide create less ability for men and women to coexist? Will it increase an already high divorce rate?

In addition, will girls stop playing with trucks and cars completely, and boys with dolls? How much more difficult will it make for girls to enter traditionally male-dominated fields without feeling ostracized from their own friends and life?
-- Jill

Pretty powerful questions, eh? Because we live in a co-ed society, the idea of single-sex education seems a little odd -- and frankly un-American to some people. Most of us agree that gender stereotypes have trapped both men and women for far too long, and few of us want to bind our children with what we hoped were antiquated notions. We want to stretch our children's horizens, not reinforce their limitations.

Interestingly, though, the research shows that children in single-sex classrooms actually experience more freedom. Ironically, children in mixed-gender classrooms often experience what's called gender intensification, meaning an exaggerated preference for all things "boy" or "girl." In co-ed company, a boy who might play dress-up alone may instead play with trucks in an attempt to identify with his group, the boys. Similarly, a girl who is brilliant at math may downplay her abilities because 1) boys don't like smart girls and 2) the other girls aren't into math. In other words, students in mixed-gender classrooms may actually gravitate toward the stereotypes.

In a single-sex classroom, with no need to prove their identity, boys (and girls) often feel more free to explore the gamut of experiences. Instead of reinforcing gender stereotypes, single-sex classrooms allow students to explore the range of "male" and "female." In other words, girls in a single-sex preschool may actually be more likely to play with trucks; boys, more likely to pick up a doll.

Single-sex education isn't as simple as marshalling all the boys in one classroom and the girls in another. To be truly effective, the teachers of single-sex classrooms must have a thorough understanding of typical male (or female) development, and their teaching must reflect that knowledge. The best single-sex teachers create environments that nurture and facilitate the development of their students. Teaching boys isn't about trucks and dinosaurs; it's about letting boys move (because their brains enter a state of rest unless they're physically engaged).

As for boys and girls learning to co-exist, we live in a co-ed world, remember? Students in single-sex classrooms continue to have many opportunities to interact with the other sex in their churches, clubs, communities and families.

Single-Sex Education

What do you think of single-sex education?

According to a recent Forbes.com article, single-sex education is on the rise in the United States. In 2020, about a dozen US public schools offered single-sex classes. In 2010, more than 500 public schools offer single-sex instruction.

Some see this the trend toward single-sex education as a positive; others consider it an old-fashioned technique that reinforces gender stereotypes. Perhaps not surprisingly, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) is the prime antagonist of the single-sex education movement. An ACLU spokeswoman, quoted in the Forbes article, said, "The programs push the notion of a fundamental difference in the way boys and girls learn."

And there it is, the 5-ton elephant in the corner. The are-there-differences-between-boys-and-girls question.

While some staunch feminists want to deny any innate differences between males and females, I believe the answer is yes. I'm all for civil liberties and women's rights, but I simply don't understand how anyone can argue that there are no differences (save the physical ones) between males and females. Anyone who has ever had a friend or partner of the opposite sex knows that men and women perceive the world differently. Anyone who has ever had a son understands, instinctually, that boys are different than girls.

"Different" isn't better -- and it certainly isn't worse. It's just different. And respecting and honoring those differences, rather than snuffing them, demonstrates respect for the child, whether male or female.

Serious scientific studies have documented serious biological differences in the brain function of boys and girls. While boys and girls are both equally capable of learning to read, the portion of the brain that handles language matures, on average, six years later in boys than in girls. Is it fair to ask all six-year-old boys to read at the same level as six-year-old girls? Boys' fine motor skills develop more slowly than girls'. Is it fair to ask five-year-old boys to write with the same precision as five-year-old girls?

I don't think so. It's far better, I think, to support and encourage each child individually, respecting his or her natural gifts, inclinations and personal development. Single-sex classrooms are an institutional attempt to tailor education. School districts will never have the necessary funding for individualized education, so until then, single-sex classrooms a way of reaching boys and girls who often flounder in mixed-gender classes.

That's my opinion anyway. What's yours?

Boys Do Better in Full-Day Preschool?

Educators in Montgomery County Maryland recently announced that boys (and African-Americans of both sexes) who attend a full-day pre-kindergarten program do better academically. The study is intended to provide support for public full-day programs at a time when many districts are cutting early childhood programming due to economic pressures.

So is more school the answer for our boys?

Not necessarily. The Maryland study compared kids in full-day preK programs to kids in half-day preK programs. It did not include, measure or assess kids in full-time family care. It does not answer what I consider a most basic question: Is school a better option than parental care and nuturing?

A few years ago, I was researching an article about full vs. half-day kindergarten. (Notice the incremental creep: Seven or so years ago, educators were still debating whether full-day KINDERGARTEN was in the best interests of our kids. Now it's full-day PRESCHOOL.) A number of my experts implied that full-day kindergarten was especially helpful for kids who never attended preschool, because they needed more time to attain school readiness skills. But were there any studies, I asked, assessing the academic and social readiness of children who stayed home, in parental care, vs. kids who attended preschool? The answer was no -- and the reason for the answer was quite revealing.

Studies like this are basically conducted in a quest for money. If enough studies demonstrate a benefit to full-day kindergarten (or preschool), school districts have the data they need to support spending on new programs and teachers. If the studies don't show a benefit, why would school districts pour time and money into a program with no proven benefit?

Virtually no research has been conducted on kids who stay home because there's no economic incentive to do so.

Think about that. We have headlines blaring at us, almost every day, telling us which academic programs are best for our son. But there have been almost no studies examining the effect of a supportive, nuturing family environment.

That's a glaring overview, in my opinion, because far too many parents read the headlines and conclude that their sons need something "more" than Mom and Dad. One of the saddest comments I ever heard was from one mom to another. Mom A had enrolled her son in a local preschool; Mom B's four-year-old son was still home with her. Mom B couldn't afford preschool and felt she was somehow shortchanging her son: "I'm sure your son is getting so much more at school than mine is at home," she told Mom A.

The comment saddened me because Mom B is the kind of mom who takes her kids to story time at the libary and on interesting excursions. She talks to her kids constantly, creates projects with them at home and encourages their creativity. The kids live on a farm and spend plenty of time outside in nature. Yet somehow, the ubiquity of school -- and the constant message that school is best -- caused this mother to devalue her own contributions.

Boys (all children, really) need time and attention to thrive. Does that time and attention really have to be provided in an academic setting? I'm thrilled that some boys in Maryland are getting the help they need, but I remain concerned about the trend toward earlier formal education, especially for boys.

How Can I Help You?

I'm at the annual conference of the American Society of Journalists and Authors in NYC. (Yes, I caught a show. "Next to Normal" is fabulous!)

Social media is a hot topic this conference, and I've thought about this blog a lot. I haven't exactly been a reliable blogger over the past month. I need to recommit. And I'm going to follow the advice today's keynote speaker, Peter Shankman, and ask you what you want.

Why are you here? What kind of information are looking for when you visit Blogging 'Bout Boys? What do you like? What do you hate? What would you like to see in the future?

Peter also recommends asking how your readers prefer to get their information. I'm a writer -- a words guru -- so this blog has been text heavy in the past. Do you like straight text posts? Would you prefer more pictures? Video? Podcasts? Tell me what you'd like. How can I help you parent your sons?