The Marinette Shooting and the Culture of Fear

The headline last night -- "Armed student reportedly holding high school classroom hostage in Wisconsin" -- took my breath away. I live in Wisconsin. And I still desperately want to believe that things like that don't happen in Wisconsin.

But they do. As you now know, a 15-year-old male student held about two dozen students and a teacher hostage for almost five hours yesterday in Marinette, Wisconsin, a town of about 11,000 on the Wisconsin/Michigan border. The student fired shots in the classroom, but ultimately released all of the hostages. No one was injured, except the gunman, who shot himself when law enforcement officers stormed the classroom. The student died today.

No one was injured...seems like such a false and fake thing to say, doesn't it? The entire town was injured. Every single child in that room will be affected for a long, long time. Parents' hearts stopped last night as they waited to see what would happen. And somewhere in Marinette, a family is dealing with the worst possible grief tonight.

Tonight, his family is simultaneously grieving his death while trying to make sense of his actions -- while the world clamors to know what they knew when. They're dealing with grief and guilt and misunderstanding and hatred. They're wondering if they did enough, if they said something wrong, if somehow they could have prevented the whole fiasco. They'd do anything, I'm sure, to turn the clock back to tomorrow morning.

Most of us would, I think. Most of us would like to turn the clock back to pre-1999, pre-Columbine. Or maybe even pre-1997, pre-Paducah.

My oldest son was born in 1997. He has never known a world where students didn't shoot one another in school. Think about that. School shootings have, in some way, always been a part of my boys' world.

So has terrorism. My oldest son was not quite 3 when the Twin Towers fell; his brother was only 1. We were watching Sesame Street when we heard the news.

And while all of that has seemed far, far away, last night's situation thrust reality in my face. Violence is everywhere. Anger is everywhere. Depression is everywhere.

Fear is everywhere.

Our children are growing up in the culture of fear.

After one of these events, we talk about the human costs, the kids that die and the kids that kill. We talk about gun control and anti-bullying measures and resolve to make things better. But do we talk about the cumulative effects of fear? Do we talk -- at all -- about what it's like for today's kids to grow up in a world where violence may show up on their doorstep at any minute?

I realize that violence is a reality for far too many kids today. I realize that an insecure environment is nothing new for children in many parts of the world and even here in the USA. It's just that no one feels safe anymore. Not even residents of Middle-of-Nowhere, Wisconsin.

On some level, our children have come to expect random, extreme violence as part of life. In their world, it's entirely possible that the grandma in front of them at the airport is concealing a bomb in her brassiere, or that a class will end abruptly in a spray of gunfire.

What does that knowledge do to a developing brain? Will our children suffer from an inability to connect, to trust?

I don't know the answers. But I do know that succumbing to the fear will only make things worse. The only way -- the ONLY way -- out of this mess is to connect, to redevelop human connections.

When my children ask about Marinette, I will answer their questions. I will continue, however, to nurture their belief in the human spirit. I will continually point out all the wonderful and amazing people in this world who are working to make this world a better place. Just last night, I got an email from a neighbor who is organizing a fundraiser for a local couple who was recently diagnosed with cancer. (Yes, couple. Both husband and wife are staring at months of treatment and mounting medical bills.) A small-town fundraiser might not seem like much, but it's an example of people caring, people connecting. It's tangible proof that much good remains here in the world, despite the scary headlines.

I don't want my boys -- or yours -- to get lost in the culture of fear. Let's nurture their connections instead.

Teens and Mental Illness

How do you know when your son's behavior crosses the line from typical teen to troubled? When -- and how -- should you intervene?

This Wall Street Journal article has some answers.

Have you ever dealt with a depressed teen? What have your experiences been with boys and the mental health system?

The Boys Are All Right

My boys will tear each other to shreds over the simplest things. Lest you think I jest, I overheard one boy blasting another today because the one picked up a scrap of wood the other had just discarded.

So it really wasn't surprising to find Boy #3 in tears after he broke his brother's bike. He'd borrowed it to ride around the block and summoned me to our front door, almsot hysterical. In his hand, he held the bolt that had been serving as the bike's left pedal.

To be fair, Boy #2's bike has been in fair-to-poor condition for some time now. After the left pedal on his bike fell off, his Dad and Grandpa attempted to fix it, without much success. The bolt was clearly a stop-gap measure, but it was working. Without the bolt, the bike was pretty much useless and Boy #3 knew that. He also knew that the bike is pretty much #2's favorite plaything right now -- and that #2 has a volatile temper.

Boy #3 begged me for help. Fix the bike, he pleaded. I can't give it back like this! He'll kill me! I sent him searching for the lost nut; no luck. We attempted to secure the bolt with another nut scrounged from the garage. No luck there, either. #3, I said, you're going to have to tell him.

Can't you do it, he pleaded, tears in his eyes. I told him no. He borrowed the bike; he would have to deal with the consequences. Even if we'd "fixed" the bike, I told him, we'd be obliged to tell #2 what happened.

#3 reluctantly approached his brother. He led his confused brother to the bike and pointed to the broken piece through his tears. And to my surprise, #2 simply patted him on the head and said, You thought I'd be upset about that? It was going to break sooner or later anyway. If it wasn't you, it would have been me. He wrapped his arm around his little brother and the two of them walked off as I stood there, my heart swelling with joy.

Childhood Depression

Could your son be depressed?

My good friend and fellow blogger, Sarah E. Ludwig, has a terrific article about childhood depression in Parenting magazine. Among her points:

• Childhood depression is more common than you may think. 1 in 20 children and teens are clinically depressed.
• Depression is often masked by other issues. ADHD, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder may all occur in conjunction with depression.
• Irritability can be a major sign of depression in kids. Sure, we all expect some irritability from our children as they approach their teen years, but a kid who's constantly annoyed and irritated may actually be depressed.
• Early diagnosis and treatment is key. Prolonged untreated depression, Sarah writes, can actually change the shape of the brain.

If you think your son may be depressed, get him help NOW. (You can find a list of symptoms here.) Help doesn't necessarily mean anti-depressants, although anti-depressant have been used effectively in children. Help can include cognitive behavioral therapy, coping skills and emotional support.

Of course, not all depressed kids require years of psychotherapy or medication. Some kids experience transient situational depression, a natural response to a traumatic event. And some kids are only mildly depressed; with time and attention, their depression may resolve in weeks. Other children, however, struggle with a despair so dark and deep that it feels unending. A professional can help you determine the severity of your child's depression and plan appropriate treatment.

Have you dealt with childhood depression? I'd love to hear your story.

Snapshot Sunday: Joy

Gifted = MORE

The issues that concern me have more to do with emotions and balance. My son is often highly-intense,easily frustrated, and negative.

Sound like anyone at your house? Sandra's comment immediately reminded me of my oldest son -- and of a workshop I've attended not once, but twice.

The workshop was Homeschooling Precocious, Sensitive, Intense, Creative (and Otherwise Gifted) Children; the presenter, Lisa Rivero. Giftedness, Lisa says, is more than intelligence. It's more than high test scores. It's more than ease of understanding. Giftedness, quite simply, is MORE.

A gifted child, Lisa explains, is one who is more sensitive, intense and creative than others. A gifted child might exhibit strong attachments to people, animals and things. A gifted child may find exceptional delight in beauty. A gifted child may create elaborate imaginative games.

As the parents in the room discussed their gifted children, the pieces began to fall into place. My oldest (at that time, only 7) had always been an extraordinarily intutive child; he's the kind of kid who can walk into a room and sense the emotional temperature before anyone says a word. At age three, he had not one imaginary friend but an entire work crew. (This was during his construction obsession.) He's very sensitive to sounds and textures. And the questions! This kid asked probing questions from the time he could talk.

In the book You Know Your Child Is Gifted When..., author Judy Galbraith writes, "gifted kids are often so much more of everything than other kids their ages -- more intense, curious, challenging, frustrating, sensitive, passionate."

Parenting such a child is, of course, a challenge. Strong emotions in a small package are frightening to many parents, especially when coupled with a powerful intellect. And gifted children frequently struggle with other issues as well, including peer relationships and perfectionism.

Tomorrow, we'll talk more about perfectionism. Today, I want to hear more about your kids. Do you have a son who is gifted? How is he MORE, and how do you handle it?

Don't Let Stress Win

We have a winner!

The winner of the fantasy football book giveaway is MAC Mom. Congrats! MAC Mom is the mother of a not-quite-one-year-old boy and is wondering about potty training. My advice? Wait it out. Because potty training can be stressful, and our boys are stressed out enough already.

(Like that segue?)

Boys today are anxious, and it's not just the potty training ones. But how can you tell if your son is stressed out? According to Dr. Michele Borba, signs of stress include:

Physical Signs

•Headache, neck aches and backaches
•Nausea, diarrhea, constipation, stomachache, vomiting
•Shaky hands, sweaty palms, feeling shaky, lightheadedness
•Bedwetting
•Trouble sleeping, nightmares
•Change in appetite
•Stuttering
•Frequent colds, fatigue

Emotional or Behavioral Signs

•New or reoccurring fears; anxiety and worries
•Trouble concentrating; frequent daydreaming
•Restlessness or irritability
•Social withdrawal, unwilling to participate in school or family activities
•Moodiness; sulking; or inability to control emotions
•Nail biting; hair twirling; thumb-sucking; fist clenching; feet tapping
•Acting out, anger, aggressive behaviors such as tantrums, disorderly conduct
•Regression or baby-like behaviors
•Excessive whining or crying
•Clinging, more dependent, won’t let you out of his sight

Of course, none of these are fail-safe markers of stress. The key is to know your son. What's normal for him? If you know his normal, and something changes, that's a clue. Figure out what's going on.

Tomorrow, we'll talk about some ways to help your sons handle stress. Meanwhile, I'd like to hear from you. How can you tell when your son is stressed out?

Anxious Boys?

Parents aren't the only ones stressing out these days. The kids are stressed too.

New research from the American Psychological Association (APA) reveals that stress is the number one health concern for American high schoolers. Stress!

Grown-ups drowning under the weight of a recession find it all too easy to dismiss the idea of stressed out kids. "Please," they say, "what do kids have to be stressed about? All they have to worry about is themselves!"

Yes, but...kids worry about the recession too. Kids worry about money and jobs and tests and girls and terrorrism and whether or not their parents will stay together. They worry about their pets and college and the weather. They even worry about us.

Today's kids are much more stressed than we'd like to believe. Thirty-one percent of the parents who particpated in the APA study said their children had little to no stress; only 9% of the kids agreed. Half of the teens said they're more worried this year, while less than 1/3 of the parents thought their kids were experiencing additional stress.

Boys are not immune. In fact, David Thomas, co-author of Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys, says he's seeing more stressed out boys in his therapy practice than ever before. "In the last decade," Thomas says, "I have seen more cases of anxiety than I have at any other time."

Our hyper-paced lifestyles may be partly to blame. "I think boys are anxious when they don’t have the kind of space they need, when there are so many demands on them throughout the academic day and then they go straight from school to violin lessons, straight from violin lessons to sports and straight from sports to something else," Thomas says. "Boys need time and space to release."

Thomas says that what looks like ADHD may actually be anxiety in disguise. "When a young man feels anxious, he’s distracted. He’s spending so much of his emotional energy trying to maintain balance that he's like a pressure cooker, and at different points he might explode or be really irrational, impulsive or distracted," Thomas says.

Tomorrow, we'll talk about signs of stress -- and what you can do about them.

What do you think? Are your sons stressed out? What's bothering them?

Blue is My Favorite Color

...but not on the walls.

Not that I have anything against blue walls, per say. It's just blue CRAYON on walls that gets to me. Specifically, blue crayon on upstairs hallway walls after 9 pm at night.

I tucked my three- and six-year olds into bed at 8 pm last night. The three-year-old, however, was clearly not ready for sleep. I laid with him awhile, then headed downstairs to clean up the kitchen. I told him I'd be back soon to check on him.

While I was downstairs, I heard a mysterious "swooshing" sound upstairs. It sounded like Boy #2 rummaging his hand through the Lego bin, and considering that Boy #2 was up and creating is his room, that seemed like a plausible explanation. Occam's razor, right?

I. Was. Wrong.

The "swooshing" sound was my three-year-old, unleashing his artistic creativity all over the upstairs walls. And we're not talking a little streak here, a straight line there. We're talking serious scribbles. This boy clearly put some effort into this work. He touched virtually every single surface of the upstairs hall.

It's not the kind of sight that makes a parent's heart leap at 9 pm at night -- not when said parent feels a cold coming on, still has over an hour of work to do and hasn't even finished the supper dishes. It's the kind of sight that makes you wonder why you ever signed up for this parenting gig in the first place.

My three-year-old grinned at me. "Did you do this?" I asked. "I'm sorry," he said. "What are you supposed to write on?" I asked. "Paper," he said. "That's right," I said. "Crayons are for on paper, not walls. Tomorrow you're going to help me clean this up." Then I asked what was, to my mind, the most important question of the moment: "Where's the crayon right now?" "In the garbage," he said.

I led him back to bed, tucked him in again and mentally re-organized my to-do list. The walls would most certainly have to wait.

After a few minutes -- and a promise to return soon to check on him -- I headed downstairs to finish up the kitchen. Again, I heard a strange "swooshing" sound. I hurried upstairs -- and found my 11-year-old son scrubbing the crayon off the walls.

My heart, which a few minutes before, felt defeated, swelled with love. It's those moments -- unexpected tender moments of love -- which sustain parents and given us the strength to keep going. Those moments aren't nearly as common as the blue-crayon-on-the-wall moments, but they're the counterpoint that allows us to maintain some sense of balance. They're the rests in a musical score gone crazy.

Despite me telling him he didn't have to, Boy #1 scrubbed until all the crayon was gone. "It's easier when it's fresh," he told me. "And blue is one of the easiest colors to get off. Red and black are the hardest." Impressed by his knowledge, I asked him "How do you know?"

He smiled. "Don't look in the back of my closet."

Messy, Messy, Messy!

I woke up to popcorn all over the living room floor.

Boy #4, apparently, had saved his popcorn from last night for an early morning snack -- except that, from the looks of it, less than half made it to his mouth. Before I'd even popped in my contacts, I was down on my knees, scraping popcorn leavings into a pile.

I swept the pile into my hand, headed toward the garbage can -- and passed a pile of cat puke. No, wait. Make that two piles.

The wailing erupted just as I was grabbing some paper towel. Remember Boy #4 and his early morning snack? Turns out he'd poured himself a glass of milk as well. You can see where I'm going with this, right?


(Forward to moment 1:39)

Parenting boys is a messy business, in more ways than one. There are the obvious messes (does anyone else's bathtub resemble a beach after the boys have bathed?), and then the not-so-obvious ones. Check out this excerpt from Scott Noelle's parenting newsletter, The Daily Groove:

"Even if you're a 'crunchy' parent who's not afraid of nature's messiness, there may be other kinds of messes you abhor, like the messy ways children learn, explore, and process emotions."

Boy learning is not a straight forward kind of thing. Rarely do boys start in one place and progress neatly to the desired end point. Learning, for boys, is a series of tangents, of stops and starts. To learn, they need permission, time and space to explore, to question --and to get messy.

The same holds true for emotions. While I thought it was a great idea to sit down and discuss how to turn crisis into opportunity, my boys did not. For a moment, I was frustrated, but then I remembered that my job as a parent is to support my boys in whatever ways they need. I will remain available, but I need to give my boys time and space to process their own emotions.

As Scott Noelle says, "Get over it! Life IS messy!"

Coping with Crisis

On the positive side, there are some girls who emerge out of the divorced, mother-headed households as exceptionally resilient young women. It seems that some young women thrive on the increased responsibilities and challenges that they face in these families, and they develop warm and deeply affectionate ties with their mothers. Similar findings do not occur for boys.
-- Robert Hughes Jr., PhD

Our family has been living apart for almost three months now. It's not easy -- Boy #4 continues to ask, several times a day, "When is Daddy going to live here again?" -- but we're surviving. Google, however, does not seem at all sure that we should thrive. Ever again.

A quick Google search of "boys" and "divorce" tells me that:

• Boys are more likely to react with anger, aggression and academic problems
• Boys are more likely to suffer depression when the father leaves home
• Boys may lose their connection with their mother as she takes on additional responsibility
• Boys may assume blame for the family break-up

Excuse me for not buying that bunch of baloney. My boys are hurting, to be sure. But more likely to react with anger, aggression and academic problems? That's boys in general. More likely to suffer depression? So are boys in general. As for losing connection and assuming blame -- doesn't that happen to all children of divorce?

Call me in denial, but I don't think that's impossible for boys to grow strong and healthy in the wake of a divorce. Challenging, yes. But if I've learned anything in my life, it's that people can overcome all kind of challenges.

So instead of subscribing to the gloom-and-doom, I'm going to teach my boys 9 Basic Rules to Make a Crisis Work for You, borrowed by Isolina Ricci's excellent book, Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child:

1. Don't Go Through a Crisis Alone

2. Learn What's Going On

3. Look for What Works and What Doesn't

4. Care for Your Inner Self and Spiritual Life

5. Take Care of Your Body and Find Safe Ways to Blow Off Steam

6. Keep a Positive but Realistic Perspective

7. Increase Your Skills

8. Watch You Language

9. Keep Your Sense of Humor

I'll be re-visiting these rules over the next few weeks, because I'm convinced that separation or no separation, these are important life skills for boys. Why don't you try putting them into practice in your own life as well? We'll compare notes soon!

Mars and Venus

Remember the book by Dr. John Gray, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? The idea was that men and women have different emotional needs and different ways of communicating (and expressing) those needs -- and that by learning to communicate with our partners in ways they can understand, we can improve our relationships.

As a mom of four boys, I've thought about that book a lot. There are some things I just don't get about boys, like their constant need to fight or their biologically-based inability to hold a stick without swinging it. I understand some of those things now, thanks to to experience, reflection and a slew of books about boys, but I don't get it. I will never intuitively think like a boy and I've wondered at time whether or not my inability to see the world through male eyes might inhibit my relationship with my sons.

I've often thought there should be a Mars/Venus book aimed at parents of opposite sex children.

Dr. Robyn Silverman, a child and adolescent development specialist I've had the pleasure of interviewing in the past, recently penned a wonderful article on just that topic, Daddy's Little Girl and Mommy's Little Boy: Bonding with your Opposite Gendered Child. Among her suggestions:

• Take the cultural labels with a grain of salt. Best line: "Don't let anyone taint your relationship with your opposite gendered child."
• Open up communication. Best line: "Just because you might not understand some of the things your opposite-sex child is interested in doesn’t mean you can’t. "
• Treat your child with kindness and expect the same back. Best line: "Character does not need to be sacrificed in lieu of self expression."

For more tips, check out her full article. Then drop me a line and let me know how you bond with your son.

Boys & Depression

Have you heard about this study yet? Seems even preschoolers get depressed these days.

Our national mythology tells us childhood is a happy time, but that's just so not for a lot of kids. (Take these boys, for instance.) Is it possible that some of these kids need medical intervention?

According to study author, Joan L. Luby, MD from the Washington University School of Medicine, "this research... demonstrates that preschool depression is not clinically insignificant and does not spontaneously resolve."

That does not necessarily mean that all depressed kids need to be treated with anti-depressants. I recently talked to a number of experts about boys and ADHD, and to a person, each and every one said that meds should be a last resort, used after or in conjuction with behavioral and environmental interventions. I'm guessing that the same will hold true for preschoolers and depression. (Another just-published study found that teaching resilience can temper depression and improve grades.)

What it does mean is that we need to watch our kids for signs of depression, symptoms that go beyond normal episodic sadness. Possible symptoms include:

• Intense &/or sudden loss of interest in play
• Changes in sleep patterns
• Sustained decreased joyfulness
• Intense shame and guilt
• Decreased energy
• Changes in school work
• Changes in socialization
• Healthy child complaining of illness
• Change in appetite
• Over-reacting to criticism

Keep in mind that boys may have different symptoms than girls. In a study of teens, boys were more likely to exhibit loss of pleasure, depressed morning mood and morning fatigue. (Hmm...note to self: Watch Boy #2). Among second grade boys, behavior and attention problems are linked to depression.

The good news here is that researchers seem to believe that if depression is caught and treated early, it may be possible to weaken depression's grip. Dr. Luby again: "Applying an intervention at a time when the brain is more changeable or neuroplastic — just like introducing speech therapy as early as possible for children with speech problems — [leads to] the hope or possibility that treatment might be more effective and actually change the trajectory of the disorder."

Very good news indeed.

What do you think? Is it possible for preschoolers to be depressed? Is treatment ever warranted? Or are we simply medicalizing childhood?

Skipping School

I would make a horrible school parent.

My boys are homeschooled during the school year, but this summer, my oldest three are all taking summer school. It seems a bit funny to set alarm clocks and pack backpacks in the summer -- especially when you don't all year -- but hey, I'm a homeschooler. We do things a little bit differently.

Boy #1 wanted to take summer school. He enjoyed Chess and Harry Potter last year, and looked forward to revisiting both. Boy #2 has never taken summer school (or attended "regular" school, beyond one year of preschool), preferring instead to "play outside with friends" in the summer. One problem -- all the friends are at summer school. The program is so popular that there are literally no kids in the neighborhood on summer mornings.

Plus, Boy #2 is a slow-to-warm-up kind of kid. I *knew* there were classes he'd enjoy (isn't Fun & Games just "playing outside with friends?") -- plus I was having babysitter issues and needed a safe place for him to be a couple hours a week while I worked. So I signed him up. While I was there, I noticed that Boy #3, age 6, was eligible as well. I signed him up too.

Despite fighting me the first day, the boys have, all in all, been enjoying summer school. They like seeing their friends each day and push me to get out of the house by 7:35 am so they can arrive before the bell. ("Otherwise all the good computers will be gone, Mom!")

But....

Their enthusiasm is not all encompassing. Summer school is a Monday thru Friday venture, meaning that it includes Wednesdays as well. Wednesdays are Green Market days, and Boy #1 has been selling at the Green Market since he was six. After his mentor died, he was more determined than ever to sell at the Green Market. I let him go. I know my son, and I could tell that selling at the Green Market was an important part of his grieving process. Plus, what's more educational than selling produce to the public? You've got science, math, business, public relations and more, all right there.

That was three weeks -- and three Wednesdays -- ago. He's missed each and every Wednesday (plus a Thursday and Friday, for 4-H camp), and I don't have a problem with that. I know he's doing what he needs to do.

So this morning, when Boy #2 announced in no uncertain terms that he was NOT going to summer school, I decided to let him stay. Something told me that somehow, some way, staying home was more important for him today.

It turns out that he's been feeling overwhelmed by his brothers. With three brothers constantly home, including an older brother who likes to get his own way and two younger brothers who constantly push his buttons, he's been feeling very little peace. What he really wanted (and needed) was some alone time with Mom.

I called and told the school he wouldn't be attending today. We went for a bike ride. We played Qwirkle. And he played for hours on the computer, uninterrupted.

Today, that was more important than school.

Have you ever let your son skip something for something you deemed more important? Tell me about it.