Time for a Hug

I'm not from a particularly huggy family. We don't hug every time we say hi and we rarely hug when we say good-bye. It's more like a, "Hey, good to see ya." The affection is there, but understated, understood.

And yet hugs have a way of making things better when nothing else can.

This morning, when I was feeling overwhelmed by all I had to do, Boy #1 came up and gave me a hug -- wordlessly, silently -- and my day was better.

Tonight, after a bedtime battle that lasted over an hour-and-a-half, Boy #4 sat sobbing in his bed as I lay on the floor beside him. Something in my Mommy-heart spoke to me, and I sat up and wrapped him in my arms. He cried into my shoulders (both of them; he's very European that way) and whispered, "I'm sorry" before settling quietly into sleep. I'm convinced he'd still be crying if I hadn't taken a moment to hug my son.

This Thanksgiving, hug the boys in your life. Yes, they drive you crazy sometimes, and yes, they may try to shrug away when you approach with open arms. But your boys love you too, and a hug says more than words ever will.

Blue is My Favorite Color

...but not on the walls.

Not that I have anything against blue walls, per say. It's just blue CRAYON on walls that gets to me. Specifically, blue crayon on upstairs hallway walls after 9 pm at night.

I tucked my three- and six-year olds into bed at 8 pm last night. The three-year-old, however, was clearly not ready for sleep. I laid with him awhile, then headed downstairs to clean up the kitchen. I told him I'd be back soon to check on him.

While I was downstairs, I heard a mysterious "swooshing" sound upstairs. It sounded like Boy #2 rummaging his hand through the Lego bin, and considering that Boy #2 was up and creating is his room, that seemed like a plausible explanation. Occam's razor, right?

I. Was. Wrong.

The "swooshing" sound was my three-year-old, unleashing his artistic creativity all over the upstairs walls. And we're not talking a little streak here, a straight line there. We're talking serious scribbles. This boy clearly put some effort into this work. He touched virtually every single surface of the upstairs hall.

It's not the kind of sight that makes a parent's heart leap at 9 pm at night -- not when said parent feels a cold coming on, still has over an hour of work to do and hasn't even finished the supper dishes. It's the kind of sight that makes you wonder why you ever signed up for this parenting gig in the first place.

My three-year-old grinned at me. "Did you do this?" I asked. "I'm sorry," he said. "What are you supposed to write on?" I asked. "Paper," he said. "That's right," I said. "Crayons are for on paper, not walls. Tomorrow you're going to help me clean this up." Then I asked what was, to my mind, the most important question of the moment: "Where's the crayon right now?" "In the garbage," he said.

I led him back to bed, tucked him in again and mentally re-organized my to-do list. The walls would most certainly have to wait.

After a few minutes -- and a promise to return soon to check on him -- I headed downstairs to finish up the kitchen. Again, I heard a strange "swooshing" sound. I hurried upstairs -- and found my 11-year-old son scrubbing the crayon off the walls.

My heart, which a few minutes before, felt defeated, swelled with love. It's those moments -- unexpected tender moments of love -- which sustain parents and given us the strength to keep going. Those moments aren't nearly as common as the blue-crayon-on-the-wall moments, but they're the counterpoint that allows us to maintain some sense of balance. They're the rests in a musical score gone crazy.

Despite me telling him he didn't have to, Boy #1 scrubbed until all the crayon was gone. "It's easier when it's fresh," he told me. "And blue is one of the easiest colors to get off. Red and black are the hardest." Impressed by his knowledge, I asked him "How do you know?"

He smiled. "Don't look in the back of my closet."

Withholding Affection

What's more important: getting our kids to do as we say, or helping them grow into fulfilled adults?

You might argue that it's not an either/or choice, that it's fully possible for a child to obey and grow into a fulfilled adult. And yet the question is one, I think, that cuts to the core of parenting choices.

If you believe that it's most important for kids to do as you say, you're probably more likely to implement a sleep schedule for your baby. If you think it's more important for a child to grow into a fulfilled adult, I think you're more likely to pay attention to your child's individual needs. You're more likely to encourage your son's love of reading than to insist he read a certain number of minutes per day, whether or not he likes it.

This question was an important one for me today as I met resistance after resistance from my boys. I pulled out a reading program for my six-year-old, he said no. I pulled out an educational game for all my boys, they moaned and groaned and acted like I was killing them.

I was frustrated. I told them so. Loudly. Then I gave myself a timeout.

I realized that part of the problem is that I encourage free thinking in my boys. I encourage them to question and to follow their instincts. I want them to be in touch with the quiet little voice that whispers inside. As much as possible, I respect, encourage and accomodate their needs and desires.

The problem comes when I want them to do something they don't want to do. What then?

Many parents punish, insist, shame or issue consequences. But is that the best move? An intriguing article in today's New York Times suggests that maybe it's not. Numerous scientific studies, it says, have shown that withholding parental affection and approval -- or pouring it on when the child behaves as you'd like -- is counterproductive. The child may behave as you'd like in the moment, but generally develops negative feelings and unhealthy internal compulsions.

Instead, the article said, "unconditional acceptance by parents as well as teachers should be accompanied by 'autonomy support': explaining reasons for requests, maximizing opportunities for the child to participate in making decisions, being encouraging without manipulating, and actively imagining how things look from the child's point of view."

Shaping a human being is hard work. But when I think of the task, I think of Michaelangelo, who said, "Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it." My children, I think, are the sculptors of their lives. As a parent, my job is not to chisel away, creating a statue that perfectly coordinates with my living room furniture but to support each child as he discovers the statue within.

Are Boys Overscheduled?

You've heard it before: Kids today are too busy. Between school and sports, church and community, there's simply no time to just be.

Writer Laura Vanderkam disagrees. The author of the forthcoming book 168 Hours passionately argued her point in a recent Wall Street Journal article, The Myth of the Overscheduled Child.

Vanderkam argues that everyone has the same 168 hours a week. (7 X 24) By her calucations, a boy who sleeps 9 hours a night and attends school 30 hours per week still has 73 hours left. And according to data from the University of Maryland, homework usually only takes up another 5 hours. Sports, 4 hours. Other organizations, less than 1.5 hours.

Obviously, those are averages. Some boys do more; some do less. The point, Vanderkam says, is that our children are not grossly overscheduled.

I'm not entirely convinced of her point -- and I was less convinced when I when read that she thinks moms have plenty of time in a day as well.

But one sentence made me think. Talking about the 40% of American children who are uninvolved in extracurricular activities, Vanderkam writes:

"Unfortunately, these young people tend not to fill their free time with the high-quality unstructured play that pundits praise. Many are at home, by themselves, watching TV..."

What do you think? Do you think boys are overscheduled? Or do you think they need more outside stimulation? Are too many of our boys frittering away their time?

Bedtime for Boys

As far as regular bedtimes go, most of us fall into the "More or Less" camp.

I'll admit: I wasn't sure what to vote. I'd say we fall somewhere between "More or Less" regular and "No. We have a routine, but..."

We try to have the boys in bed around 8 pm. That's as much for our sanity as their sleep needs. According to WebMD, my 3- and 6-year-olds need 11 to 12 hours of sleep a night; my 8-year-old, 10 to 11 hours. Considering that my 6- and 8-year-olds are usually up by 7, that's about right. The 3-year-old -- well, he's a whole 'nother story. He like to think he doesn't need a nap anymore, but he does. 8 pm to 6 am just isn't enough, and his behavior usually shows it.

But real life often interferes. It's summer, and as I wrote a few days ago, with summer comes softball. Four nights a week, we're at a ball game. And whether it's one of the boys' games (which generally run from 6-8 pm) or one of Dad's games (which could be at either 6:30, 7:30 or 8:30), 8:00 bedtime just ain't happening.

And that's OK. It took me a long, long time to get to this point, but I've finally learned/realized that the time they spend at the ball park (or, say, at Grandma and Grandpa's house, helping with the garden) is essential too.

The kids LOVE going to Daddy's games. Really, it's practically their idea of heaven: treats, playgrounds, minimal supervision and other kids to play with. The homeschool Mom in me heartily approves. Who ever said homeschooled kids lack socialization never saw my boys playing Ghost in the Graveyard with 15 other kids after dark at a ballfield.

I haven't taken a completely unschooling approach to sleep just yet. But I'm getting closer.

Bottom line? You've got to do what works for you.

What's bedtime like at your house?

The Need for Naps

Naptime -- euphemistically known as "Quiet Time" -- is an essential part of our day. The younger kids nap, the older kids enjoy some quiet alone time and Mom gets some time to relax and unwind.

But apparently, there's more to it. Did you know that proper sleep is an essential component of learning? Sleep helps us secure memories and learn new skills. For children, proper sleep may even be more important. One study shows that sleep-deprived sixth graders perform at the level of fourth-graders.

Getting boys the sleep they need is no easy task, though. My almost-three-year old has discovered the world, and finds crawling in and out of bed and onto his dresser far more amusing than taking a nap. My eleven-year old would rather stay up and read.

They both probably need more sleep than they're getting. According to the experts, my three-year-old should be sleeping at least 12 hours per day; my eleven-year-old, 10-11 hours per day.

That's where naps come in. Far from being optional, naps help children (especially infants and toddlers) meet their daily sleep quota. Look at it this way: naps are at least as important as any other learning activity. According to renowned sleep expert Elizabeth Pantley, "naps – or lack of naps – shape all twenty-four hours of your child’s day. The quality and quantity of your child’s naps influence his mood, behavior, health, and brain development. "

Having trouble getting your little darling to take a nap? Check out Pantley's new book, The No-Cry Nap Solution.