Boys & Violence

Image by woodleywonderworks via Flickr

By now, you've surely heard about (& mourned) the tragedy at Sandy Hook. You've seen countless news stories about the shooting, as well as comparisons to other mass shootings, and probably realized that in virtually every case, the shooter was a young male. A boy, or boy-turned-man.

You may have even seen some of the articles exploring this link, such as USA Today's provocative piece, "Guns Don't Kill People -- Our Sons Do."

It's a scary title. And as a divorced mom, I particularly cringed when the author suggested that the Sandy Hook killer many have been negatively influenced by his parents' divorce. But you know what? I think the author is right.

I don't think divorce makes boys into mass murderers, but I do think that a lack of positive male role models is a problem in our society. Don't get me wrong: there are a lot of good men in every community. But too often, the men we celebrate are not men who are living up to their responsibilities or treating others well. Too often, we glorify men who lead lives of selfishness or violence. And too rarely are our boys surrounded by good, loving, compassionate men.

Recently, while researching a story, I interviewed Michael Gurian, author of The Purpose of Boys. Part of boys' problems today, Gurian said, stem from the fact that we as a society have become so attuned to the threat of "bad guys" (especially sexual predators) that we limit boys exposure to men. But the reality, he said, is that most men are not dangerous. They may not be perfect (who is?), but they are perfectly adequate to help boys navigate the road to manhood. Boys, Gurian said, do not need perfect men; they need men who are willing to share their time and experience.

I couldn't agree more.

I also think that understanding and accepting boys as they are -- instead of viewing them as flawed human beings -- could go a long way toward decreasing boys' frustration and anger. Is it ever acceptable to shoot or harm others simply because you're frustrated or angry? Certainly not, and every day, I work to instill that lesson into my boys. (With mixed success, I must say.)

But beginning at an early age, virtually all American boys begin to get a sense that there's something wrong with their natural inclinations. When their parents freak out because they point a stick at another kid and say, "bang!", or when their teachers tell them they must draw their giraffe all over again, simply because they added a labeled pile of poo at the back end of said animal, boys start doubt their instincts. They learn that in order to succeed -- in order to be acceptable -- they must suppress parts of themselves. They learn that their natural male energy is not welcome. And when the look around, they see that only male energy that seems even vaguely acceptable in our society is violent and brash. (Think football players and action heroes.)

It's time to enlarge our boys' notions of masculinity. It's time to accept our boys as they are. And it's time to put an end to this era of violence.

Helping Boys Learn

Happy Teachers Day! Have you thanked a teacher yet?

Schools often get a bad rap, particularly where boys are concerned. In many places, school has become a sit-down-and-shut-up kind of place, a place where recess and gym are being phased out in favor of more...worksheets. Is it any wonder that so many boys are doing so poorly in school?

But this Teachers Day, I want to focus on the educators and authors who are working to make our schools a better place for our sons. People like:

• Dr. Marcus Jackson. Dr. Jackson is the principal of Pointe South Elementary in Jonesboro, Georgia. He's also the author of "Because My Teacher Said I Can," a children's book that celebrates the power of encouragement. I've had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Jackson a couple of times, and let me tell you this: He is determined to help his boys -- the students in his school -- succeed. His school is in one the poorest areas of the state, yet his students' reading and writing scores are among the highest in the state. Inspired by Dr. Jackson, the boys at his school read -- and Dr. Jackson doesn't care what they're reading. "When it comes to reading, we allow students to choose their books," he says. "My boys, if they want to read about Muhammad Ali or baseball and Babe Ruth, that's OK. We'll get to the novels, to To Kill a Mockingbird, later." 
• Dr. Allison Carr-Chellman.  Dr. Carr-Chellman, a professor of education at PennState, is talking honestly about some of the ways today's classrooms are hindering our sons. Check out this video where she discusses how zero-tolerance policies can inhibit boys' writing, She also talks about ways schools can use video gaming to get boys excited about learning.
• Richard Whitmire. Richard's book, Why Boys Fail: Saving Our Sons From an Educational System That's Leaving Them Behind, was just honored as one of the Top 5 Educational Books of 2012.
• Michael Gurian. Some parents of boys are unimpressed with Michael Gurian; they think he focuses too much on unproven or questionable claims of brain-based differences between boys and girls. But as a mom of four boys, I'm convinced that boys are wired differently than girls. (Note: "different" does not mean "better" or "worse.") His book, The Minds of Boys, helped me understand my sons and the challenges they face in society, and for that, I am grateful. 
• Leonard Sax. Leonard Sax is a medical doctor and PhD-level psychologist who write and speaks frequently about boys and education. His books include Why Gender Matters and Boys Adrift.
• Peg Tyre. In 2008, Peg published The Trouble with Boys: A Surprising Report Card on Our Sons, Their Problems at School and What Parents & Educators Must Do. Her latest book, The Good School: How Smart Parents Can Help Their Kids Get the Education They Deserve, picks up where The Trouble with Boys left off.

Who else should we add to our Helping-Boys-Learn list?

The Kids Are All Right

16 hours chaperoning junior high school boys. The thought terrified me.

But because Son #1 asked me, over and over again, I eventually relented and agreed to chaperone his jr. high show choir field trip to Six Flags Great America. I was still terrified. I might spend my days in the company of boys, but those are my boys, boys I've known from the womb. The idea of spending the better part of a day -- at an amusement park, no less -- with 3 or 4 unknown-to-me preteen boys was my idea of torture.

I was wrong.

The boys were wonderful. They were respectful. They were polite. They were responsible, age-appropriate and considerate. They were, in word, a delight.

A lot of credit goes to their director. He drills and instills respect and hard work. He emphasizes character building. And he stresses team work. He's also an excellent music teacher, but for the boys in his show choir, he's much more than that. He's teaching them by example how to be men.

In his book The Purpose of Boys, author Michael Gurian writes of boys' need for male connection and role models, particularly as they enter their teen years. "At a certain point — puberty and beyond — males...naturally need to look to other males to try to understand how they're supposed to be loving, wise and responsible men," Gurian told USA Today.

Mr. K focuses a lot of time and effort on creating a top-notch show choir, but I think the messages he sends by example are even more important. He's showing the boys how to be a dedicated community member, how to nurture the next generation and how to treat others with respect. He's also showing them that it's possible to be a success while doing all of the above. Those are the messages our boys need to see.

And if today is any example, I'd say the boys are picking up on the message.

Brothers and Boys

Does having brothers prepare you for having boys?

Most of our readers (44%) said yes. Of course, 22% said no and another 22% said they don't have brothers, so it's not exactly an overwhelming conclusion.

I grew up with 4 brothers (and 1 sister). So on the one hand, boys come naturally to me. I grew up surrounded by boys, belching and the occasional brouhaha. If I'd grown up with an army of sisters, perhaps this boy-saturated household of mine would feel completely foreign.

And yet...I was one of those who answered, "I'm not sure." The one way I'm absolutely, positively certain having brothers prepared me for having sons is that my Mom has long recognized boys' need for movement. I can't tell you how many times I heard her tell my brothers, "Just go outside and run around the house!" And you know what? I use that one too.

Beyond that, though, I'm not sure. We grew up in a pretty restrictive household, so my brothers weren't into a lot of typically boy stuff. No guns or gun play allowed. No tree climbing. And extremely limited access to the creek just behind our house.

In many ways, I think my brothers are more beneficial to me NOW. Now that I have 4 boys, my brothers are an invaluable resource. My 4 brothers, all very different people, provide my sons glimpses into various forms of manhood. My 4 brothers, each with different talents and skills and interests, can relate to and teach my boys in a way I never could. And my 4 brothers inevitably end up on the floor wrestling my boys.

I long ago recognized the value in play fighting. For my boys, it's a chance to test their strength against an adult male they know and love. For my brothers, it's a valuable way to connect with their nephews (and a chance for them to reassure themselves that they are still top of the pack!). For me, it's a welcome break. :)

My brothers are also an essential part of my sons' "third family," a term coined by Micheal Gurian that refers to boys' need to be surrounded by a community of caring adults. As important as Mom and Dad are, boys need more than that. As Gurian writes in The Purpose of Boys, "Boys are such exploeres and so filled with energy and imagination...that they need both close-up contact with their nuclear family parents and wide-lens intimacy and experiences guided by a set of other 'family members' who provide significant help."

Does having brothers help me raise sons? You betcha.

What's your experience? How has having brothers (or not) prepared you (or not) for raising boys?

Thinking in Pictures

Boy brains and girl brains are different.

I've been reading a lot about the bio-neurological differences between the sexes (a great intro can be found here), but seeing them in action in my own home is a whole 'nother thing.

Today I had the privilege of talking to Michael Gurian, author of The Minds of Boys and The Purpose of Boys. And he said one thing -- one tiny little research-based thing -- that completely explained the actions of Boy #2 this week.

One way, Gurian said, to get boys more involved in learning is to use more graphics. If any part can be drawn before it's written, he said -- and the lightbulb went on.

Boy #2 started writing science-fiction this week while I was in New York. More accurately, Boy #2 started DRAWING science-fiction. When I came home, he showed me a notebook full of his drawings, drawings that told a complete story. And after drawing the pictures, he was ready to tell me the words.

Boy brains are more visually-spatially oriented than girl brains. That's not good or bad or right or wrong; that's just biology. But when we keep those differences in mind, we can tailor education and experiences to our children. If I had asked my son to write a story, in words, I would have gotten nothing from him. Writing is still very much a struggle for him, and the pure physicality required to create words on a page would have sapped his energy.

Drawing first allowed him full access to his creativity. Because of the way his brain works, my son was able to find the story through the drawing. He started with an idea and saw it evolve on the page. Odds are, the story he told me was one he found after drawing the pics. He needed to visualize the story before he could tell it.

Think about it: what behaviors have you seen in your son this week that could be explained by biology? How can you use your knowledge of boy brains to help your son develop?

And the Winner Is....

mom2anutball! Check out her blog, Noodles and Nuggets, here.

Mom2anutball wins a hardcover copy of Michale Gurian's latest book, The Purpose of Boys. Stay tuned for my review, to be posted later this week. (Yes, I know I said that once before, but what can I say? I was in NYC, people!)

Thanks to all who entered. I hope you enjoyed visiting my blog, and I hope you'll return again soon.

Becoming a Man

I saw Mary Poppins in a whole new light last night.

If you ask me, Mary Poppins is the most relevant musical playing Broadway. Consider this: Mr. Banks, the father in the story and a banker by trade, denies a loan applicant who tells him that his final product is "money," instead choosing to fund a man with plans to build a factory and provide employment. When the first applicant takes his business elsewhere -- and makes the competing bank a load of money -- Mr. Banks is devastated.

But when the applicant's scheme falls apart, the other bank loses everything. Turns out, you DO need an end product other than "money."

But politics and economics aside, I was intrigued by the story, because as much as we think we know the story of Mary Poppins, in many ways, it's the story of a man becoming a man.

I never paid much attention to George Banks before, the father of the children who reside at 17 Cherry Tree Lane. He's a mean, out-of-touch parent who can't be bothered by small children. His job, as he sees it, is to provide for them and their job is to leave him alone.

But last night I learned that Mr. Banks lacked nurturing as a child. He was raised by a cold, strict nanny who discouraged his love of astronomy, an interest he eventually tossed aside as useless and childish.

Of course, as Mary Poppins works her magic, Mr. Banks learns that people come before money. He learns how to give his children the affection they crave. And he rediscovers his love of astronomy.

Funny -- Banks' journey to full manhood looks a lot like the journey outlined by author Michael Gurian in The Purpose of Boys.

Boys, Gurian says, go through seven developmental stages on their way to becoming healthy men. One of those stages, Stage Five, is the Discovery of Personal Power. Occurring in adolescence, it's a time when your son taps into himself and find his true loves and talents.

George Banks missed this stage. His true love and talent -- astronomy -- was dismissed as a waste of time. He began to go astray.

Gurian writes:

"Our sons cannot fully develop their own sense of purpose if we don't help them find the masters and mentors of late adolescence who will encourage their newfound and honed power and guide their "magic," their "gifts," their "temperaments" toward service and work in society."

For many years, George Banks was lost, and his family paid the price. Only at the end of the show, after George rediscovers his lost interest does he finally progress to Stage Seven: Devotion to Family and Community.

I don't know about you, but I never thought much about helping my sons become strong men. I'm so caught up on the minutiae of the day ("Sit down!" "Stop harrassing your brother!" "No, you CAN'T stand on the piano!") that I sometimes forget the bigger picture.

But Gurian -- and George Banks -- have showed me that helping your son to manhood is no small task. It might be, in fact, the most important thing you'll ever do.

Video Game Addiction?

By now you've probably heard the news: A new study says that 1 in 10 kids who play video games show behavioral signs of addiction. And boys, the study says, are more likely to show addictive symptoms than girls.

Getting lost in the hype is the fact that the study was conducted by the National Institute for Media and Family, a group which tends to have a somewhat negative view of video game and media usage. From their website:

"Our children are in trouble. Kids from preschool through high school are laying building blocks for success in school and life. They include self-discipline, the ability to delay gratification, perseverance, imagination, and respect. Study after study shows that poor media habits undermine every single one of these building blocks. Instead of being given the tools and experiences they need to succeed, more and more kids are shaped by a media culture that promotes more, easy, fast, fun, violence and disrespect."

Not exactly objective researchers, if you ask me.

I'm also troubled by the questions they asked children, questions such as:

• "Have you played video games as a way of escaping from problems or bad feelings?"
• "Do you sometimes skip household chores in order to spend more time playing video games?"
• "Do you sometimes skip doing homework in order to spend more time playing video games?"
• "Have you been spending much more thinking thinking about playing video games, learning about video game playing or planning the next opportunity for play?"

For the record, boys were more likely than girls to answer "yes" to these questions. In fact, 11.9% of the boys and only 2.9% of the girls answered yes to six or more of the questions asked (enough so to be classified as exhibiting "pathological video game use.").

But....What if this is just because video games still tend to skew to the male demographic? Maybe there simply aren't enough games to attract and hold young girls' attention?

And what if part of the reason boys are attracted to video games is because the rest of their environment doesn't respect their "boyness?" Our boys are growing up in a society that tells them to sit down, shut up and learn from books. BOYS ARE NOT DESIGNED THAT WAY! Boys are designed for activity and purpose, and maybe -- just maybe -- they're finding a way to feel like men in video games.

I've been reading The Purpose of Boys, and one of the things Gurian talks about is boys' need to be the hero, to serve a purpose. Are we giving our boys that chance in the world? Or are they finding it in video games? Not many of our boys today need to save their family from intruders or wild beasts; video games, though, give them that opportunity.

Is it so surprising that large numbers of boys choose video games over chores and schoolwork? And maybe even some of the more pathologically-appearing behavior can be reasonable explained: if parents put strict restrictions on a boy's video game usage, isn't he more likely to lie? To obsess about when he'll get to play next? Even to steal?

Is that, then, addiction?

As far as I'm concerned, the most important sentence in the study is this:

"The primary limitation of this study is its correlational nature. It does not provide evidence for the possible causal relations among the variables studied. It is certainly possible that pathological gaming causes poor school performance, and so forth, but it is equally likely that children who have trouble at school seek to play games to experience feelings of mastery, or that attention problems cause both poor school performance and an attraction to games. "

Tell me your opinion. What do you think of this study and the attendant media hype?

Official Contest Announcement!

Here's your chance to win a copy of Michael Gurian's new book, The Purpose of Boys. I announced the contest yesterday, at the bottom of my post, but in case you missed it, here are the details:

1) The contest will run through midnight next Sat. April 25.

2) To enter, leave a comment. One comment = one entry. If you comment on more than one post, you can earn additional entries. (So if you commented yesterday, that's one entry. A comment today is another, one next Tuesday is another, etc.)

3) If you'd like an additional entry, mention this contest on your blog, include a link back here, and send me a note so I can visit your blog. I love getting to know other bloggers!

4) Contest is open to residents of the United States and Canada.

5) I'll draw the winning entry on Sun. April 26 and announce the winner here on Mon. April 27.

Any questions? Drop me a line!

Queers and Fags

The title got your attention, right? According to an essay published in today's New York Times, "queer" and "fag" are some of the most harmful epithets boys hurl at one another.

In the words one of teenage boy: “To call someone gay or fag is like the lowest thing you can call someone. Because that’s like saying that you’re nothing.”

The implicit homophobia is one thing. (If hearing those words make a straight boy feel like "nothing," imagine how you'd feel if you were a gay teenager hearing those words.) But this issue is bigger than homophobia; this name-calling touches on the very definition of masculinity.

Despite all our so-called advances in recent years, boys and men are still expected to conform to the Boy Code. Doing well in school and showing emotions are STILL considered female traits, and if a boy should exhibit either (or both) of these characteristics, he's ridiculed by other boys.

The essay asks, "It’s weird, isn’t it, that in an age in which the definition of acceptable girlhood has expanded, so that desirable femininity now encompasses school success and athleticism, the bounds of boyhood have remained so tightly constrained? "

Some commentators have speculated that this narrow, decades-old definition of masulinity is a reaction to our current world. The idea is that men and boys, denied their usual roles of protector and provider, are reverting to almost stereotypical behavior. (A recent Newsweek article about out-of-work men touched on this phenonmenon.)

The NYT essay quotes C.J. Pascoe, author of “Dude, You’re a Fag: Masculinity and Sexuality in High School.” Her comments are most interesting:

“These kids experience a loss of masculine privilege on a day-to-day level. While they didn’t necessarily ever experience the concrete privilege their fathers and grandfathers experienced, they have the sense that to be a man means something and is incredibly important. These boys don’t know how to be that something. Their pathway to masculinity is unclear. To not be a man is to not be fully human and that’s terrifying.”

That's exactly what Michael Gurian, author of the just-published book, The Purpose of Boys, is saying: With the old-guard gone, too many of our boys have no idea what it means to be man.

Enter now to win a copy of The Purpose of Boys! Here's how: Leave a comment. That's it. One comment = one entry. If you'd like another chance, mention the contest of your blog, include a link back here and I'll pop your name in the hat one more time. The winner will be drawn on Sun. April 26.

Contest open to all residents of the United States and Canada. Also, I'm the featured blogger at Family Life today. Check it out!

The Purpose of Boys

I got a new book today: The Purpose of Boys, by boy-guru Michael Gurian. (Gurian is also the author of The Minds of Boys and The Wonder of Boys.)

I haven't gotten to read much of it yet, but the subtitle -- Helping Our Sons Find Meaning, Significance and Direction in Their Lives -- tells me that this is an important book.

How many men do you know who struggle to find their way and place in the world? Now imagine how our boys feel, looking desperately around them for guidance but seeing a society with very few clearly definited roles and expectations for men and boys.

Too many of our boys don't know where they fit in anymore, and that's our fault.

The bit of the book I've scanned had some interesting questions for discussion, so I asked my sons:

• What are your favorite books, comics and games?
• What things do you think you're best at?
• What activities make you the most happy?
• How do you want to help people?
• Whom do you like playing with most these days? Why?
• What do you want to be when you grow up?

The boys loved it! I learned some interesting things (for instance, that physical activities rank high on their things-that-make-me-happy list) but the best part was the looks on their faces. They were simply radiant as they pondered their future and their role in the world.

Try it -- ask your sons some of these questions, and let me know what you've learned.

Stay tuned for more about The Purpose of Boys. I'll be posting a full review late next week and will soon announce a Purpose of Boys contest.

Uncles

My sons are blessed with an abundance of uncles -- 4 on my side of the family, plus another 2 on hubby's side.

Years ago, boys were raised in the company of men. As author Michael Gurian writes in The Minds of Boys, "it is worth remembering that throughout human history, our male ancestors had two or more men at their disposal during their upbringing, especially at and after puberty -- the father and the master-tutor were the minimum. These men formed an inner circle of male care around the boy. There were also five to ten other significant males available throughout the boy's adoloscence, forming an outer circle of male care."

My boys' "outer circle" has taught them:

• Investing and the stock market
• Star Wars
• Poker

They've also taught them, through example, to follow your dreams and do what you love.

Of course, they also taught my sons to say, "I do what I want!" and once convinced my oldest son he could fly.

The O Pine sounds an awful lot like my brothers. Check out what he has to say about uncle-ing here.

Then tell me: How have your boys benefited from having uncles?