Penn State and Sexual Abuse

I've been thinking about Penn State a lot lately.

By now, you've heard the story: Jerry Sandusky, a former Penn State football coach, has been charged with molesting eight boys over a 15-year period. Sandusky denies molesting anyone, though he admits to showering and "horsing around" with young boys.

Whether or not the allegations against Sandusky are true, the fact remains that sexual abuse of young boys is a problem. One in six boys will be a victim of sexual abuse before the age of 18. Most will know their perpetrator.

Scared yet? I am. While I truly believe that most people who work with kids are good, kind people, statistics, case studies and anecdotal data tell me that there are some bad people out there as well. And the real problem is that the bad guys don't always look like the bad guys.

Sexual abusers are often, on the surface, well-liked members of the community. Many of them appear genuinely concerned about kids; many of them have convinced themselves that they are genuinely concerned about kids. But sexual abusers gradually break down boundaries. Sexual abuse may start with a gentle touch. Who, after all, is going to object to a slow back rub from a coach who's an all-around good guy?

Put yourself in the place of potential victim. Imagine, for a minute, that you are 10-years-old. That your home life is less-than-stellar. Not abusive, necessarily; just less-than-nurturing. Perhaps your mom works all the time to support the family. Maybe your dad just lost his job and is feeling kind of depressed. Maybe your parents are too busy to really spend time with you, and maybe, in your heart of hearts, you're feeling a little bit lonely.

Along comes a coach. Where your parents see an interruption and interference, he sees potential. He spends time with you. He tells you you're special. He smiles when he sees you coming; your mom frowned today when she saw your report card.

So when your coach invites you to his house after practice, you feel honored. His family is so nice to you!

Now...imagine this scenario playing out over a matter of months or years. Imagine the warm feelings you develop for the coach. Now imagine that the coach touches your back just a little too long after dinner one day. The quick squeeze of the shoulders turns into something else -- fingers rubbing up and down your back. It feels odd, but it's over as soon as it starts.

Would you tell someone? Probably not. After all, "nothing" really happened, and Coach is a good guy. Besides, you're 10; he's the adult. It seemed normal to Coach, so you're probably just over-reacting.

Most sexual abusers groom their victims over a period of time. After gaining the victim's trust, there are gradual violations of the victim's boundaries. By the time the hard-core sexual abuse happens, the abuser has essentially trained the child to ignore the boundary violations. The abuser has become an important part of the child's life. And sometimes, the abuse feels good on a physical level. Imagine the shame and confusion felt by a child who actually felt a moment of pleasure when sexually abused by a trusted adult!

It's up to us, as parents and community members, to create safe environments for our children.

How do we do that?

1. Love our children. All children need to feel special, loved and valuable. Love your children, and be kind to their friends as well. Listen to their hopes, dreams and fears. Support their efforts and desires. A child with a strong sense of self and a strong support system at home is not an attractive target for sexual abuse.

2. Teach children to question authority. Teachers and coaches and priests are not always right. Let your child know that it's OK to ask questions and express opinions --- and live that lesson in your home. Encourage children to think critically; welcome their questions and queries.

3. Minimize opportunity. One-on-one situations are the most dangerous for kids. Does that mean that your child can never go fishing with an adult friend? No. It means that you better know that friend awfully well first. And that you should pay close attention to your child's behavior before and after outings with the friend. At the first sign of trouble, halt all further contact until you figure out what's going on.

4. Teach children the difference between good and bad secrets. Abusers often convince children to keep "their secret." So be sure to tell your child about the different kinds of secrets. Good secrets -- like birthday surprises -- are ones that make people feel happy. Good secrets are only kept for a certain period of time before they're revealed. Bad secrets, on the other hand, make you feel yucky inside. Bad secrets are ones that are supposed to be kept forever. Tell your child that you will help him handle bad secrets.

5. Steer away from adults who exhibit risky behavior. According to a recent CNN.com article, adults who don't respect your rules when they're with your child may be setting up an unhealthy dynamic. Also be alert for adults who want to spend time alone with kids.

6. Respond to symptoms. Be alert for these possible symptoms of abuse:

• Change in appearance. Kids who are being sexually abused may start dressing in baggy, unattractive clothing.
• Withdrawal and social isolation. It's common for teens to spend time alone in their rooms. But if your child has pulled away from all his friends, something more might be going on.
  
• Anxiety. Some kids will be anxious before specific activities. Other sexually abused kids experience general anxiety.
  
• Decreased school performance. Have your child's grades recently dropped, for no explainable reason?
  
• Disinterest in usual activities. If your formerly hyped-up-about-football son loses interest in the sport, it's up to you to figure out what's up.

7. Report your suspicions. According to the first reports out of Penn State, another football coach called his dad -- not the police --after witnessing a disturbing scene between Sandusky and a 10-year-old boy. (The coach has since said he talked with the police). Frankly, I can understand how shock might impair activity. But the bottom line is this: kids' lives are on the line. Sexual abuse affects victims' entire lives; it affects the lives of their children and spouses as well. So don't wait. If you even think that something inappropriate is going on between an adult and a child, speak up. Report your suspicions to the authorities and let them conduct an investigation.

Have you been talking about Penn State with your kids?

Why My Boys are Getting Gardisil -- and Why Yours Should Too

Have you heard of Gardisil? It's one of the two HPV vaccines that are currently on the market. (The other is Cervarix.) HPV, or human papilloma virus, is shorthand for a number of HPV strains that are known to cause cancer.

Put the pieces together. HPV causes cancer. There are two effective HPV -- cancer preventing! -- vaccines on the market. Why are we not jumping up and down about this news?

Instead, everyone from Michelle Bachmann to the parent down the street is weighing in on the merits and dangers of the vaccine. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) recently upped the ante when they recommended routinely vaccinating boys as well as girls.

That recommendation doesn't make sense to some parents. After all, doesn't HPV cause cervical cancer?

Well, it does. But did you know that HPV is now a leading cause of head and neck cancers as well? Or that it can cause penile and anal cancer also?

According to the CDC, each year in the U.S.:

• 1,500 women and 5,600 men get HPV-associated oropharyngeal cancers (cancers of the back of throat including base of tongue and tonsils)
• 400 men get HPV-associated penile cancer
• 2,700 women and 1,500 men get HPV-associated anal cancer

Traditionally, smoking and tobacco usage were the main causes of head and neck cancers. But experts say that's changing. In a recent interview, Dr. Gregory Weinstein of the University of Pennsylvania told me that the number of oropharyngeal cancers is rising, and that head and neck cancers are increasingly occurring in younger patients.

Think about that for a bit. HPV is incredibly common; medical experts say that up to 50% of the sexually active population will be infected with HPV at some point. And oral sex is increasingly common among teenagers. According to the CDC, between 2006 and 2008, 48.4% of males between that ages of 15 and 19 have had oral sex with a female. 44.6% of 15 to 19 year-old girls have had oral sex with a male.

Not surprisingly, the numbers increase as the teens grow into adults. By adulthood, the number of people who have had oral sex hovers around 90 percent.

So, statistically-speaking, my boys -- and yours --are at risk for oral exposure to HPV. There's no guarantee that HPV exposure will result in oral cancer; researchers are still trying to determine why some people seem to clear with virus from their bodies without problem, while others go on to develop pre-cancerous and cancerous lesions. But given what we know now -- HPV can cause cancer, HPV is sexually transmitted and is virtually endemic in the population -- why wouldn't I take steps now to protect my sons' health?

Yes, there are some risks to the HPV-vaccine. There are also a lot of misconceptions about the vaccine. For a balanced look at the issues, check out this news story by NPR.

Bottom line: I'm getting my boys vaccinated against HPV. I'm doing it for them, and I'm doing it for their future sex partners as well.


How about you? Have your boys gotten the HPV vaccine?

Guest Post: In Praise of Free Play

By Marijke Vroomen Durning

It’s a typical toddler birthday party. The gifts are quickly unwrapped. While his parents ooh and aah over the wonderful toys, little Evan is enthralled with the discarded colorful paper and ribbons. If he’s really lucky, the gifts came in big boxes – and we know what that means. To heck with the gifts, there are boxes to play with!

When we were children, how many of us were thrilled at the prospect of a new appliance delivery? It wasn’t the new fridge or dryer that we were anticipating, it was The Box -- the great mysterious box that would provide us with hours of entertainment. What exotic places or far away planets would we travel to? What magical stories would we tell? What would we experience by getting inside this box?

Amid all the wonderful opportunities our children have, from organized sports and music lessons, to specialized school prep courses, there is one thing those activities don’t offer: the ability, the opportunity for children to reach beyond what they know. To use their imagination.

If we have so much to entertain our children, why is it important for children to play with a box?

Because that box doesn’t tell a child what to do.

It doesn’t present itself as anything but an empty box. There are no preconceived notions as to what should be done with it. What that box becomes is entirely up to the child.

Organized games are fun. Sports, outside activities, card and board games, even video games can offer useful life lessons in terms of cooperation, taking turns, and so on. But these games have rules that are set up in advance. In order for the children to play, they must follow the rules.

On the other hand, free play, such as playing with the box or running around outside with friends, has no preset rules. The rules are what the children decide they should be. And, if you watch children in free play, you may also notice that the rules are often very fluid. What wasn’t allowed at the beginning is more than acceptable later on, for example.

Fantasy play, which can include rough-and-tumble wrestling or having a tea party, calls on using imagination. Roles have to be created and there are decisions on how those roles will be played, who does what, when and where. As the play evolves, more thought has to be put in to the next steps of the game. There is likely a lot of negotiation as each child tries to be what he or she wants, or at least do something that gives him or her pleasure. Cooperation is needed so the play runs smoothly, and learning that you can’t always have your own way may also pop into the equation – that is, if you want to have playmates the next time you want to play.

Unfortunately, fantasy and imaginative play are becoming a lost art in many families. Too many children aren’t allowed to be bored – which is often when fantasy games are created. Many parents feel that if they allow their children to become bored, they must be failing in some way. So, to prevent boredom, there are many activities to choose from, either independently or with a parent.

Fantasy play may also be losing out to a perceived lack of time. Children are spending time in school, in daycare, and in organized activities. When they get home, they may have homework to do or they’re just plain too tired to do anything but watch TV or play on the computer. Parents, who are organizing their own full lives often don’t have the time or wherewithal to encourage their children to play. It’s easier to keep them busy.

And finally, there is the issue of adult hovering, or helicopter parenting. Parents who fall into this category don’t allow their children to play by themselves or with other children without their supervision for fear that they may get hurt physically or that their children may not be able to hold their own against a friend who may be a stronger personality. By being ever present, the hovering parents can ensure that their children always get to play fair, take turns, and have an adult to turn to if they feel that play isn’t going the right way.

Of course, life isn’t always so cut and dry, but if we think about it, it is easy to see that our children are not getting many opportunities to be kids, to pretend there are flying off to planet XYX to battle the bad guys. They can’t set up an elaborate theater so they can present a puppet show to their dolls and stuffed animals, and they can’t lie on the grass, staring up at the sky to see the clouds.

Although our lives are enriched with technology and fun that didn’t exist a generation ago, we shouldn’t relegate free play into the past, something quaint that we do when the power goes off.

Free play is an essential part of being a child and children who don’t get that opportunity to play may be missing out on a vital part of childhood development.

Guest blogger Marijke Vroomen Durning is gathering stories about games we used to play as children. She invites people to visit her website, Games We Used to Play, to read other stories and to submit a memory of a game (or games) they played, perhaps discovering that these favorite games were also played elsewhere with different rules or under a different name.

Photo by Nicholas Kimball via Flickr Creative Commons

Life's Not Fair

It all started because I had the wrong breakfast cereal.

No, back that up. It started because I didn't wake the boys up early.

Actually, it started the night before, when Boy #1 noticed that our van's front passenger tire was saying, "Psssssssssst."

The tire clearly had a leak. And given the consistency of the hiss emanating from my tire, the fact that it was almost 8 pm at night and the hard-to-admit but true fact that I have never, ever changed a tire, it was pretty obvious that a) the tire would be completely flat by morning and b) that I wouldn't be able to give the boys a ride to school.

Instead of springing this horrible, life-alterning news on the boys in the morning, I decided to give them a heads-up before bedtime.

"Just so you know," I said, "the van has a flat tire, so I won't be able to give you a ride to school in the morning. You'll have to walk or bike."

From the tears and groans that erupted, you'd think that we lived 10 miles, at least, from school, or that I had asked them to crawl across broken glass. (Actually, I think the broken glass assignment would have gotten a more enthusiastic reception.) The reality, though, is that we live a block and a half from the elementary school and less than a mile from the middle school. My boys are healthy, able-bodied and definitely able to cover the distance. In fact, they walk home on a regular basis.

But walking in the morning? That was just too much!

I told the boys that I'd wake them a bit early, since they'd need to leave for school earlier than usual. I even said that I'd walk along with them. And that we could bring the dog. They were still-- how shall I put this delicately? -- NOT HAPPY.

Cut to the next morning. Knowing full well how crabby my kids are in the morning, I decided to let them sleep as long as possible. Instead of waking them at 6:45 am (their usual wake-up time is 7), I let them sleep 'til 6:50. Boy #2 was furious when he realized that I woke him up "late." (Never mind the fact that he has his own alarm.)

His bad mood continued into the kitchen. An inspection of panty revealed that "all" we had for breakfast was Cheerios and Raisin Bran.

"We never have any good cereal!" he exclaimed. He practically cried as he spooned "stale" Raisin Bran into his mouth. (Never mind that we got the cereal last week.)

By this time, his younger brothers had joined us in the kitchen, and picked up the chorus.

"It's raining outside!," #3 declared. (Never mind the fact that the rain had stopped hours before the boys woke up; the pavement was merely wet.)

"Why do we have to walk?" #3 pleaded -- despite the fact that our van was clearly leaning to one side.

I' snapped.

"I'm not here to make a perfect world for you!," I yelled. "I'm here to help you figure out how to live in an imperfect world."

The words were so profound that I was struck by their wisdom. I grabbed a pen and pad of paper and scrawled down my sudden insight.

I could, I suppose, bend over backwards to create a "perfect" world for my kids. I could stock the right cereals, let them sleep the perfect number of minutes per night, and stay up late, learning how to change a tire on YouTube.

But I don't owe my kids perfection. I need to feed my kids, but I certainly don't need to feed them the trendiest cereals in the coolest boxes. I need to help my kids learn, but I don't owe them a ride to school.

Besides, perfection is an ever-moving target, and life comes at us, whether we're ready or not. My boys are growing up in a world that includes flat tires and sudden, unexpected changes in plans. I don't think I'd do them any favors by artifically creating a "perfect" environment.

What my boys -- and yours -- really need to learn is how to live in an imperfect environment. They need to learn how to roll with the punches, how to respond to disappointment, and how to cope with unexpected challenges. They need to learn how to live and love in the face of adversity. The reality is that life often fails to live up to our expectations -- and the sooner my boys learn how to smile with grace and move on , the happier they'll be.

Get Ready for Veteran's Day

I know it's not even Halloween, but Veteran's Day (November 11) is fast approaching. Want to mark the day in a meaninful manner? Check out my blog post, Honoring Our Vets, at The Homeschool Classroom.

Is Your Son a Picky Eater?

None of my sons are a gourmand's dream. Each will hesitate at the sight of new food -- and by "hesitate," I mean "politely (or not-so-politely) refuse to try." None of them are big fans of mixed foods, like casserole, even if they like all of the individual ingredients. (My boys all like ham, cheese, noodles and broccoli -- but mix those basic ingredients up in a casserole, and none of the boys will do much more than take the requisite taste.) Their list of OK foods is pretty narrow: pizza, burgers, spaghetti, pork chops, chicken nuggets, sandwiches, cereal...you get the picture.

Part of it, I assume, is my fault. I'm not the most adventurous eater either. I was well into my twenties before I tried a non-Italian, non-Mexican ethnic food. Even then, I had to make a conscious effort to focus on the overall taste, and not think, "what is IN this thing?" (because God forbid if it contain an ingredient I didn't like!). To this day, I'm not a big fan of veggies and I really, really don't like fruit -- as in, I have a weird aversion to fresh fruit. If I actually force myself to eat fruit, I'm able to admit that the taste isn't so bad -- and may actually be good. But overcoming the mental hurdle is more effort than I'm usually willing to put in. Luckily, my boys haven't inherited my fruit aversion. All of them enjoy multiple fruits; my oldest, I think, could live on fruit.

The idea that my boys might have inherited some of my food quirks, though, is not so far-fetched. A 2007 New York Times article reported on a research study that indicated that 78% of kids' receptiveness to new foods appears to be genetic, while 22% is environmental.

Interesting, right? Yes. But ultimately, not helpful, because what we all want to know is how to a) make sure our kids get a balanced diet and b) help our kids enjoy food.

Techniques I've tried, with little to no success:

• Stocking the house with mostly good food and letting the boys eat what they want. The problem with this technique, at least at my house, is that there's so much junk food in the world! My boys have an amazing ability to hold out, and junk food has an amazing ability to show up just often enough to prevent the boys from ever getting hungry enough to eat the "good food." Case in point: My Mom loves to bring over donuts. She also keeps her house stocked with treats, and frankly, I don't want to be the mom who refuses to let Grandma give the boys treats.
• Insisting that the boys try at least one bite of every food on their plates. The big problem with this one? I don't want to have to police who eats what. Plus, my boys will eagerly watch each other for reaction. If one tries supper and makes a face, the others manage to gag or sit there stubbornly while the food remains on their plates.
• Letting the boys fix their own simple meal after trying the offered meal. I refuse to make multiple meals. Once I've cooked a meal, I want to sit down and eat it. I also recognize the fact that not every member of the family will like the meal. So if my boys at least try the food, I allow them to get up and make themselves a peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich or bowl of cereal.
• Eliminating the distinctions between "good" and "bad" food. Essentially, this technique meant letting the boys eat whatever they wanted. They were happy. I was not. See bullet point #1. There's just too much non-nutritious food out there in the world, and I want to make sure my boys are getting the calories, protein, vitamins and minerals they need.

Now Elizabeth Pantley, author of the No-Cry Sleep Solution and other No-Cry parenting books, has published the No-Cry Picker Eater Solution. I appreciate her intent, as well as the fact that there's a huge audience for this book. I just don't think that most of her advice is going to work for my boys. Check out this excerpt:

~ Put vegetables on a pedestal.
It's an odd fact that while vegetables are a healthy cornerstone of any diet, they are usually relegated to a back corner side dish. While interesting recipes appear for main dishes, the vegetables are often steamed or boiled in a routinely boring presentation. Start treating vegetables as the star of the meal and your kids will too.

I doubt it.

~ Name the star of the show.
Vegetables rarely get the spotlight. When kids ask, "what's for dinner?" we name the meat and starch - "Chicken and rice" or "Steak and potatoes" and don't even mention the vegetables. From now on, name the veggies first. Create a fun name for the vegetable of the day you can help your children view them in a different light. So, what's for dinner? "We're having Brilliant Bunches of Broccoli along with chicken and rice."

Would your boys be tricked by "Brilliant Bunches of Broccoli?" I don't think mine would. Besides, my boys already like broccoli. I need help with the chicken! (For some reason, despite the fact that I serve it often in a variety of different ways, my boys tend to think of chicken as a "weird" food.)

~ Search out new recipes for veggies.
Try stir-frying a mix of veggies with olive oil to give them an attractive presentation and a unique flavor. Add a sprinkling of nuts or seeds or a dribble of sauce. Mix two or even three kinds of vegetables together for a colorful dish.

See blog post paragraph #1. My boys don't like (read: "won't touch") mixed-up foods.

~ Get artistic.
It can be fun to serve vegetables in interesting containers or arranged colorfully in patterns or shape.

It can be a lot of work to artfully cut up and arrange veggies that my boys aren't going to eat anyway.

~ Let them dip 'em.
Serve a platter of raw veggies with dipping sauce such as ranch dressing, yogurt or hummus Kids often prefer raw vegetables over cooked, especially if they can dip.

The only dip my boys like is ketchup. They still consider ranch dressing and hummus exotic, "weird" foods. Yogurt is OK, but the only thing they'll dip in it is fruit (after the yogurt has been mixed with peanut butter.) They do like raw veggies better than cooked veggies, though.

~ Give kids a choice.

Routinely serve two vegetables at dinner so that you double the chance your child will eat at least one. Plus, seeing two vegetables will build an expectation that vegetables are important.

Yep. It will also double the odds that I end up wasting twice as many veggies.

~ Get sneaky.
While you are teaching your child about nutrition, go ahead and hide some vegetables within other recipes to up your child's daily quota. It's easy to add chopped spinach to hamburgers, pureed squash into macaroni and cheese, crushed cauliflower into mashed potatoes, or bits of carrots and broccoli into spaghetti sauce. That way your kids get the benefits of vegetables no matter what.

Despite my boys' reluctance, I refuse to hide veggies. Isn't the point to teach them to enjoy multiple foods. Won't hiding the "good" foods just teach the kids that the food in question really is yucky? (I mean, do you traditionally hide your good china? Or good clothes?) And won't they just then be more suspicious of any food that you make? Because I'm sure that at least one of my boys would figure out what's up.

So parents -- How do you deal with picky eaters?

Keeping Boys Busy

What are your boys doing to stay busy this fall?

My oldest, age 13, is a member of the Junior Show Choir. (Think Glee, but without all the snark). He's also got a bit part in a local community theatre production, cuts lawn for some residential customers and writes content for a fishing website.

Boy #2, now 11, is playing football on a 5th and 6th grade team. The team practices Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 4:30 pm to 6 pm -- and plays games on Saturday -- so between school and sport, he has little time at home.

Boy #3, age 8, is attending third grade at a local school. In his spare time, he loves to bike and skateboard. He also recently took third place in a 1K race for kids ages 8 and under. He's already announced his intent to play flag football next year.

Boy #4, age 5, is in kindergarten. He also likes to putter in his workshop (yes, I let him use tools), watch Wild Kratts and play with friends.

Did I mention that we're also members of 4H?

Life is pretty busy these days, as I imagine it is in your home. But while my older boys are involved in a couple of organized activities (Show Choir, football), I don't think that organized activities are essential. Keeping boys busy is a must -- boys with too much time on their hands tend to find trouble. But "busy" can vary from boy to boy and home to home. Consider these non-organized, but still fun ideas to keep your boys busy this fall:

• Yard cleanup. Don't laugh. Your kids might be more willing to participate than you think. The key is to work together; your kids aren't going to get excited about picking up the yard unless you're out there too. Look for age-appropriate ways for the kids to contribute. My 5-yr-old loves driving his plastic truck around the yard and picking up sticks.
• Making wood. Do you heat your home (at least partially) with wood? Let the boys go out into the woods with you, their dad or another reliable adult. You probably don't want them using chainsaws yet, but there's no reason why they can't carry and haul wood -- and help stack the wood at home. Make sure to leave some time to play in the woods.
• Go for a hike. Right now, the fall colors at my home are near their peak. The days are warm and bathed in golden sunshine. It's the perfect time to get out and explore natural areas. One bonus: most of the bugs are gone!
• Pick apples. Got an apple orchard nearby, or an apple tree in your yard? Get busy picking apples! Your sons can help you convert the apples into apple chips, applesauce and apple pie.
  
• Go camping. If you can, try squeezing in just one more weekend of camping. I'd love to take my boys, but football (see above) is interfering with our schedule.
• Go for a bike ride. On a rainy day, have your boys tune-up their bikes. Then take them out for a spin on a nearby bike trail.
  

Have any other ideas to list? How do your boys stay busy in the fall?