Boys Don't Want to Discuss Problems

Did you see the recent study that examined boys' and girls' thoughts and opinions regarding problem sharing?

The first line of a related news article elicited a strong, "No duh!" response from me. Check it out:

"A new University of Missouri study finds that boys feel that discussing problems is a waste of time."

As a mom of four boys and the ex-spouse of one overgrown boy, I can confirm for you with absolute certainty that the above statement is true. I'll also safely hazard a guess and say that you're most likely not exactly surprised by the study's findings either.

But if you dig further into the study and associated news reports, you'll find some nuggets of information that are useful for parenting boys.

For years, the study authors said, psychologists have advocated creating "safe spaces" for men and boys to talk about their problems -- but the real problem may actually be that much of the male population sees no benefit in talking through problems.

So where does that leave us, as parents?

Well, I've learned that I need to erase the idea of talking as a panacea. Boys (and men) generally don't find as much solace and support in verbally sharing their problems as girls (and women) do. On a day-to-day level, this means that the odds of one of my sons pouring out his heart to me because he felt slighted by a friend are minimal, at best. That doesn't mean that my sons might not be hurt by their friends' actions or inactions; it just means that my boys are more likely to express their distress in other ways.

It means that I need to let go of the rejected feeling I sometimes experience when my boys rebuff my attempts to discuss their problems.

It also means that I, a mother of future men, need to teach my sons the value of talking through problems. They may never consider sharing their problems verbally to be emotionally therapeutic, but at the very least, I want my sons to learn that talking can be a good way to identify the root causes of problems, to brainstorm possible solutions and to problem solve.

I also want my sons to know that there are times when verbally expressing feelings is preferable to physically expressing them. In other words, I want my sons to learn that saying, "I'm upset because Joe ignored me at lunch today," is much more productive than stomping around the house or hitting their brothers.

It's a tough row to hoe. Our society programs girls to accept emotions and to talk through problems; it expects our sons to be strong and stoic. I'm working against cultural conditioning, and years of male indoctrination.

But I want to teach my sons that there are other ways of being male. I want them to know that being male doesn't have to equal denying your emotions and suppressing your inner thoughts. I want boys who feel safe being boys, but who are also unafraid to act against male stereotypes.

How about you? Will you join me?

The Best School For Your Boy

If school choice is fluid -- and no one educational choice is "the best" -- how exactly do you go about finding the best school for your son?

That's really the million dollar question, isn't it?

We've talked previously about the fact that there is no one-size-fits-all answer to the education question. And we've covered the fact that what works for your son today (homeschooling, public school, etc.) may not work next year. We've also talked extensively about the fact that boys tend to learn differently than girls.

Now author Peg Tyre, perhaps best known for her book The Trouble With Boys, provides parents with some basic guidelines to use when evaluating educational options. In her latest book, The Good School, Tyre says that parents should look at the relationship between teacher and students, the general intellectual environment (does it include plenty of words? everyday references to mathematical concepts?) and school playgrounds.

In an interview with TIME magazine,Tyre advises parents to avoid schools without playgronds. She says, "kids need downtime — a break from the rigor" and recommends twenty minutes of recess a day, "at least."

Tyre also says that test scores have been over-emphasized in the past. (The TIME magazine article says, "Standardized tests only measure about a third of the curriculum that should be being taught in the school, which means if the school is only teaching the test material, your child is missing out on a lot.")

Instead of focusing on a school's standardized test scores, look at what's really going on in the classroom. Are the students connecting with the teacher? Excited about learning? Involved in their education? If so, odds are good that there's a lot of learning happening in the classroom.

Tyre also suggest looking past labels. A private school may not be better than a public school, and a charter school is not necessarily better (or worse) than any other school.

Bottom line:

• Know your son. Is your son a hands-on learner? Does he require lots of quiet time to absorb a concept, or does he do best in an active setting? Knowing your son's likes, dislikes and learning style can help you select an academic environment that fits his needs.
  


• Let go of your preconceived notions. You might have grown up believing that private school is the way to go, but that doesn't mean that the private school in your neighborhood will be the best fit for your son or your family. Open your mind and expand your options.
  


• Insist on activity. Boys (and girls) absolutely, positively must move around during the day. They also need time for free play.
  


• Words matter. One of the biggest determinants of academic success is the size of a child's vocabularly on entrance to kindergarten. So don't be afraid to use big words at home -- and don't shy away from schools or teacher who introduce complex subjects to small kids (in an age-appropriate manner, of course).
  


• Relationships matter! Tyre's #1 tip (in the TIME article) is that the relationship between teacher and student is prime, especially in preschool. You know what that means? If you're considering homeschooling your child, but hesitate because you feel unqualified, consider taking the leap. In the early years, the relationship between teacher and student is paramount -- and what could be closer than the relationship between parent and child? (If, however, homeschooling is putting a strain on your relationship, it might be time to investigate other educational alternatives.)
  


• Think about your needs. For a lot of years, I neglected my needs in favor of what I considered best for my boys. I'm learning to see, though, that a stressed-out, stretched-to-the-limit homeschooling mom may not be in my boys' best interests. I need to sleep, rest and work, and that's OK. So don't feel obligated to drive an hour across town to the "best" school. If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for your family.

Education -- and the Best Choice for YOUR Family

I admire Meagan Francis. She's a mom of five kids, a writer, an author, a blogger and an all-around happy person. Her latest book (and blog), The Happiest Mom, is designed to help moms enjoy life and motherhood. As Meagan says," Happy. Mother. You really can use both words in the same sentence."

Her latest blog post, though, hit me in a way that few posts ever do. In "School Choices and the Ideal Mother," Meagan details her struggles to find the "perfect education" for her children, and gives moms everywhere the right to make the decision that best suits their family.

From the responses she's been receiving, it seems that a lot of parents need to hear that message.

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you may know that I'm a big proponent of homeschooling. But that doesn't mean that I think institutional education is evil. I think that each family needs to make the choices that best fit the needs of that family. Note that I said "family," and not "children." One of Meagan's major points is that the health and needs of the parents need to be considered also.

That can be a radical message for some parents. It's really, really easy to lose sightof your needs in your quest to satify your children's. But it's not only OK to consider your needs; it's absolutely essential.

And here's the other thing: The "right" educational choice can evolve over time as a family's needs change. Educating your family isn't a matter of choosing homeschooling over institutional schooling or private school vs. public school. No matter how carefully you make your decision, it's entirely likely that your child -- and your family -- will experience a variety of educational settings before the children take their place in the adult world.

In other words: It's OK to homeschool now. And to enroll your kid in school in a few years if that's what makes sense for you and your family. It's even OK to decide to homeshool him again later for his last year of high school, if that's what works.


Of course, the reverse remains true as well. It's OK to start your child in school, and then pull him out later if school isn't working for some reason. It's also OK to homeschool one kid and enroll the rest in school.

The bottom line is that you (and your spouse or partner, if you have one) are the only person who can decide at any given point in time what educational option is "best" for your family. My opinion doesn't matter. (Although I'm more than happy to provide information and resources!) Meagan's opinion doesn't matter. Neither does your mother-in-law's or the school prinicpal's or your local politician's.

So as this school year approaches, I enourage you to think long and hard about the educational choices available to your family. Then take a moment, if you will, to express some silent gratitude for those choices.

Finally, relieve the pressure. Let go of any lingering guilt. The educational choices you make this year -- this week, or next, or even next month -- are not permanent. You make a choice, you live with it, you see how it goes. It if works, great! If not, make another choice -- but don't beat yourself up for Choice #1. The best any of us can do is to respond to situations as they arise.

What educational choices are you making this year? Any changes from years past?

Creative Clutter

Are there blocks scattered about your living room? Random pieces of wood and nails on your garage floor?

Before you holler, take a deep breath and read this post. (I know -- the odds of you having your computer in the garage with you at this very moment are slim to none, but bear with me.)

This week, I'm teaching a class called, "Unleash Your Creativity." It's part of a special week of arts programing for adults (I like to call it "summer camp for grown-ups"), and my piece of it emphasizes the creative process. In my class, we don't create masterpieces; we play. Literally. Monday we colored with crayons. Yesterday, we sculpted with playdough and modeling clay. And today, we created cards out of paper, fabric, wallpaper and glue.

The point is to take people back in time to a place where it was safe to create. As children, most of us had no problem whatsoever reeling off a story or drawing a picture. But ask most adults to write a story and they'll say, "Oh. No. I'm not very good at that," because somewhere along the line they've gotten the message that creativity is for talented people only. And that they're not very talented.

In class, we're learning that creativity takes time and space, and that it's occasionally messy. (I spilled gold glitter down the front of my shirt!) Our project today involved mounds of material. The center of each table was heaped with supplies: fabric scraps, sheets of wallpaper, cardstock, glue, scissors, glitter and more. It was colorful, chaotic and oh so creative.

At the end of class, my students asked whether they should help put the supplies away or leave them out for the mini-creativity classes I'm teaching tonight. I told them to leave them out. That's when I learned about creative clutter.

One of my students is a feng shui consultant. Earlier in the class, she agreed with me when I said that clutter can be a barrier to creativity. All of my students are women, and women, particularly, are prone to putting off creation when piles of "shoulds" surround them. But this clutter, she said, gesturing toward the colorful piles, was good clutter. This kind of "mess," she said, invites creative energy.

Think about that.

Now think about the blocks on the living room floor. Or the wood and nails in the garage. Yes, it's possible that your sons' simply forgot to put things away. (Or that they left them there on purpose, hoping that the magic pick-up genie would appear.) But isn't it also possible that they were interrupted in the middle of creation? That their creative energies were used up for the day, but that they're not quite done with whatever burst of creativity they were experiencing?

When my boys are in the "zone" (and I can recognize the zone by their intense concentration and interest in a project), I let the mess linger. Case in point: cardboard boxes. Like many boys, mine are fascinated with large cardboard boxes. They've made clubhouses, snowmobiles, cars and rockets from boxes. Generally, the play takes more than one day. So I walk around boxes, markers and random cardboard shavings for days, 'til the boys' interest moves onto something else.

Yes, it's inconvenient. Yes, my house appears cluttered. No, my house will not be selected for a centerfold appearance in House Beautiful anytime in the near future. But that's OK. I'd much rather have my boys experience the joy of creativity.

And if that doesn't convince you to let the "mess" go, release responsibility to my feng shui consultant. She said it's OK, so please let your boys create.

The Importance of Encouragement

You know that supporting your kids -- financially, emotionally, logistically -- is an important part of parenthood. But have you ever pondered the importance of support to parents?

Parenting isn't easy. Life with four active, free-thinking sons is three-quarters chaos and one-quarter conflict, with the occasional cuddle thrown in for good measure. Don't get me wrong: they're good kids, and I'm a pretty good mom. But as you well know, parenting is continual process. You can't just tell your son, "Please be quiet in church" once and expect that he'll abide by that directive for the rest of his life. You have to say it again and again and again. You have to be willing to go to church on a semi-consistent basis with less-than-willing children. You have to somehow model restraint and proper behavior when what you really want to do is throttle the three-foot high person next to you. And you need to be prepared to issue consequences for unacceptable behavior, even though you know that stating said consequence will result in a brief escalation of an already unpleasant situation.

I get tired just typing it.

Friday night was one of THOSE NIGHTs in our household. We'd gone to a 4H dinner, a casual event attended by many sponsors of 4H -- many of whom just happen to be elderly people. And my boys were, well, boys. They laughed loudly. They got up and down off their chairs. They told fart jokes. They got into squabbles with one another that required re-direction. But in the midst of all that, our county director leaned over to me and said (with a smile on her face!), "I just love your boys' enthusiasm!"

Is it any wonder we love 4H?

Today, in church, a similar incident: Instead of commenting on my younger boys' constant trips to the bathroom or Boy #4's slight meltdown during the second half of church, the pastor complimented ME. "I think it's so great that you come to church with four boys," she said. She knows it's not easy, but recognized my effort, and that made me feel, well, proud.

Parenthood can, at times, seem like a thankless slog. We can spend days (weeks!) without any measurable forward progress. So it means the world -- at least to me -- when another parent compliments my parenting or recognizes my efforts.

This week, I ask you to remember the importance of encouragement. I want you to reach out to other parents around you -- to your friends, your neighbors, even the woman on the bus next to you -- and offer some kind words. Then come back here and tell me about your experience. I can't wait to hear from you!

Circumcision Ban?

For years, the decision whether or not to circumcise a boy has been a private matter. Sometimes, religion gets involved, but when you come right down to it (ha!), the decision to circumcise or not is made by mom and dad.

Voters in San Francisco may soon take the decision out of parents' hands. According to the L.A. Times, a November referendum will seek to ban the procedure. Proponents of the ban -- self-described "intactivists" -- argue that male circumcision is the equivalent of female genital mutilation, which is outlawed in the United States. They also state that there's no convincing medical reason for circumcision, at least not here in the developed world.

Opponents of the ban, including rabbis and concerned parents, contend that the ban would infringe upon personal and religious freedom. They point to studies that note decreased HIV and HPV infection rates in circumcised men. And --somewhat desperately -- they note that "90% [of nurses surveyed on a geriatric unit ] were strongly in favor of circumcision because it was difficult to bathe uncircumcised men in their 90s."

Ok. My bias is going to show at this point.

I've been a nurse in a geriatric unit. I've bathed men in their 90s. I even assisted on a bedside-circumcision of a man in his 90s. (He needed the circ because his foreskin had adhered to his penis and would not allow the passage of a catheter, which was needed for medical reasons.) But to say we should base a medical decision affecting a baby on what might happen to in his 90s?? That's stretching things.

Circumcision rates have been dropping in this country. According to the CDC, 56% of baby boys were circumcised in 2006. In 2009, that number was only 32.5%. (Note: that statistic does not include circumcisions performed out of hospitals, such as a bris.) If the ban goes through in San Francisco, the number will be even lower.

Personally, I'm pretty clearly anti-circumcision. (Despite the fact that I wrote a blog post called 'Another Reason You Might Circumcise,' I clearly stated that even given the new research, I would refuse to have my sons circumcised.) As a homeschooler, though, I'm also anti-government intervention into families' lives. HOWEVER...it occurs to me that the circumcision ban isn't a matter of denying parents their rights as much as it is protecting a human who is unable to speak for himself.

What do you think of the proposed circumcision ban?

Camping with Kids

Last weekend, the boys and I went camping at a beautiful state park. It was hotter-than-you-know-what, but we had a great time! We spent the majority of our days down by the lake -- swimming, paddleboating, kayaking, playing in the sand and otherwise enjoying a slower pace of life. We also hiked to a waterfall and traipsed up and down the rocky hillsides along the creek. We caught lightning bugs, listened to a variety of different languages and toured a cave. All in all, it was a perfect, boy-friendly getaway.

That's not to say it was easy. Camping with kids is a lot of work. There's the packing, loading, unpacking, setting up, taking down -- and laundry once you get home. Not to mention the seems-like-constant-bickering of four boys in close proximity.

Still? Totally worth it.

I'm far from an experienced camper -- this was only our third outing -- but I've learned that my boys do better when they're allowed to contribute to the workload. Boy #2 was my master packer. He's always loved playing with block and is an expert at spatial relationships, so he took on the job of loading the van. It was his job to cram everything in -- and he did a great job!

All of my boys gathered wood for the campfire. They love to explore, so while I was setting up the tent, they took off in search of firewood. Soon, they returned with some fallen-down limbs and birch bark. (Did you know that birch bark is great for starting fires?) Thrilled by their finds, I sent them back for more birch bark. They returned with 8- to 10-foot fallen birch branches. So while I continued setting up the campsite, the boys took turns with the hatchet, chopping the birch into more manageable pieces.

Yes, hatchet. Last year, I bought a hatchet for use on our camping trips, and it's proved to be one of our most useful camping tools. It keeps the boys busy for hours! Certainly, I supervise its use, and I teach them the basics of tool safety before they get to use it. But they LOVE to chop wood! Boys like to feel useful, and chopping wood is (in their eyes) a fun way to contribute to the well-being of the family. Plus, they like hacking at and burning things.

If you're planning a camping trip with kids:

• Bring snacks. Nothing says camping like smores.
  
• Let them get dirty. Because it was so hot, my boys lived in their swim trunks for three days. The little two also refused to wash their faces on the grounds that we were camping. I let them stay dirty.
• Have the kids pack some diversions. My boys packed scooters and raced up and down the path to the bathroom. They also packed their baseball equipment and played a bit in the open area behind our campground.
• Be a stickler about safety. Yes, I let my boys use a hatchet. And the oldest two start campfires (under supervision). But when you're in the woods, on the lake or around a campfire, you can't let down your guard. Insist on life jackets while boating, teach your kids about poison ivy and enforce a do-not-enter zone around the campfire.
• Explore! Every state park or campground is different. We made it a point to see the waterfall that's a highlight of this particular park, but I also let the kids explore the area around our campground on their own.
• Don't push learning; let it happen. I certainly don't carry lesson plans into the woods. But I am aware of all the natural learning that happens when out in nature. Observe the flora and fauna. Discuss the similarities and differences of the local environment with your home zone. Follow your kids' interests.
• Allow for some independence. Camping means close quarters, and not all kids do well with that. Older kids, especially, may appreciate some time to pursue their interests independently. My 13-yr-old spent hours out fishing on the lake, alone.
• Involve the kids in the work. Younger kids can help collect sticks and fetch water. Older kids can plan meals and help with the set-up and take down.

What are some of your best tips for camping with kids?