Mean Mom on Raising Boys

Spoiling kids is out; Mean Mom is in.

The cultural backlash against permissive parenting is now in full-stride (witness the New Yorker article, "Spoiled Rotten," Business Insider's, "Cities with The Most Spoiled Children," and ABC's "How Not to Spoil Your Child"), and Mean Mom Denise Schipani is surfing the tidal wave of parental angst. Schipani, a fellow freelance writer, published her first book, Mean Moms Rule earlier this year and has been in demand ever since. Today, for instance, she appeared on CBS New York to discuss her common-sense approach to parenting. Now, she shares her thoughts on raising boys here at Blogging 'Bout Boys. 

I asked Denise to reflect on her Mean Mom approach, cultural stereotypes and parenting boys.

What’s your “Mean Mom” take on raising boys?

Well, as boys are all I have (we have two sons, 7 and 9), it’s hard for me to say if my take would be different with girls, but I don’t think so, not in the broad strokes. My approach is about raising the next generation of men, and women, as independent, capable, respectful, honest people. And I called my approach – which entails saying “no” without apology; trusting my instincts and not basing my parenting decisions on what everyone else is doing; teaching kids life skills; and letting my kids own their failures as well as their successes – “mean” because it can be tough to do all the time, in a permissive culture like ours.

What do you think of the saying “boys will be boys?”

Is it too easy to just leave it at: “I loathe it”? Not enough? Okay, I’ll say more! Boys won’t be “boys”; they’ll be the people that they are. And I put “boys” in quotes because when people use that phrase, they mean “boys” are reckless, or messy, or impolite, or not as smart as girls, or not responsible for their actions. That’s not how all boys, or all men, or all people are. “Boys will be boys” ends up being a blanket excuse for poor behavior, and I’m not fond of excusing behavior! 

On the relatively lighter side, “boys will be boys” leads to unimaginative, reductive characters in commercials or sitcoms (usually husbands /dads) who are too stupid to know how to run a washing machine, take care of a child, cook anything, or keep their dirty feet off the coffee table, you know? On the darker side, “boys will be boys” excuses things like date rape and other, less extreme forms of disrespect for others.

So, yeah. I loathe it.

What’s your greatest challenge when it comes to raising boys?

Battling the idea that because they are boys, they will emotionally leave me, in a way that (I am told, over and over) girls don’t.  It’s an old cliché; something like, sons are yours till they take a wife, daughters are yours for the rest of your life. First of all, gag! But second of all, there’s the problem that lies beneath it, which is that we’re supposed to raise boys to leave us, and girls to stick close by. Neither of those seem like great options to me. It’s sad to think we have pressure to push boys to grow up and be “the man of the house” sooner than they need to. I’m under no illusion that my boys will want to hold my hand in public all that much longer (though my 9-year-old will, now, more readily than his little brother, whom I’m not even allowed to kiss in private; I do it when he’s asleep). And as much as I’m actively raising them to be independent men who want to move out and create their own homes and lives, that doesn’t mean we can’t be emotionally close, no matter where they end up, or with whom. (A psychic told me, at a party, that I’d have close relationships with my daughters-in-law, in part because my sons would pick partners who reminded them of me, which is one of the greatest compliments I could get!).

What do you like the most about parenting boys?

They are, for the most part, pretty straightforward – they are who they are and they say what they feel and what they want. Then again, I don’t like to stereotype. I was talking to a mom who has a daughter the same age as my older son, and was laughing at how dramatic her daughter naturally was, with everything. And she said, “see what you miss, having boys?!” I laughed, too, but to be honest, my boys can be pretty dramatic too. And they can be very emotional. 

But there is this: my sons are not in competition with me as a female in the house, which is kind of nice. There’s a psychological/developmental basis to this, and I believe it: in order for girls to become women, they have to model themselves after, or actively reject, who their mother is. Same goes for boys and their dads. That can involve competition and battles that I don’t see having with my sons, at least not as much as I had with my mother!

Also, they are very easy to get ready for special occasions. It’s, “Here, put this belt on” and, “do you want gel in your hair, or not?”, and we’re all set. I don’t have to share my flat iron, either. 

Boys today face a lot of pressure to be “cool” and “tough.” How do you help your boys deal with those pressures?

I think if I did see that happening with my kids, which so far I haven’t (my older son is fairly clueless about this stuff, thankfully; my younger son has been blessed by being a combination of pretty happy-go-lucky and also quite popular with his peers), I’d see it quickly, because it would be inauthentic, and I’d call them on it.

Plenty of parents of boys don’t, which probably doesn’t surprise you or your readers. In large part, when boys start playing the tough guy, they’re trying in a new role, testing it like a pair of shoes to see if it fits. And their parent can either call him on it, gently, showing him that his actions are inauthentic (“that’s not who you are! That’s not how we treat people!”); or they can ignore it or subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) encourage it. Just take a look at some parents – moms and dads – on sports sidelines. No one wants their child to be a loser or a geek or to be unpopular, but I’d rather my child be his authentic self. To be honest, there are times I wish my older son were “tougher,” because I sometimes think he’d move more easily through life that way, but then he wouldn’t be him. 

 

Denise Schipani is the mother of two boys, and the author of Mean Moms Rule: Why Doing the Hard Stuff Now Creates Good Kids Later (Sourcebooks). She blogs at MeanMoms Rule.

PSA: Salt and Ice Challenge

Normally, I'm all about home-grown science experiments. My kids have whipped up all kinds of concoctions in the kitchen, and we've blown up more than our fair share of baking soda volcanoes.

But the latest, "greatest" DIY kitchen science experiment -- the salt and ice challenge -- is actually dangerous.

I'd never heard of the salt and ice challenge until today. More specifically, until today's headline news article, which features a large photo of a cross burned into a 12-year-old boy's back.

It seems the boy, his brother and a friend were attempting the challenge, which is making the rounds on YouTube. I hadn't heard about that either, so I clicked over the YouTube. And sure enough -- there are plenty of videos showing kids undertaking the challenge.

Normally, I wouldn't post videos that explicitly show how to do something harmful. But in this case, I think it's important to watch the videos.One, because I want you to know what your kids may be watching. And two, because I think these videos may have something important to tell us about boys today.


Did you notice that both videos feature boys? And not just one boy, but two. In both videos, there's a very strong undercurrent of competition. Each of the boys is trying to outlast the other. And all of them, I'm convinced, leave the ice/salt combination on their body a lot longer than they normally would, simply because they're trying to impress/outlast the other boy. In the top video, the younger boy claims victory because he didn't wash off his arm; he states this fact as a badge of virtual bravery and honor. In the lower video, the boy with the hat removes his ice cube when the pain becomes too intense -- but replaces it when it sees that his friend still has the ice in place in his arm.

Bottom line (which has been true throughout the ages): Boys will do some pretty dumb stuff to impress other boys. Together, they will take risks that they'd never take independently.

Other bottom line: Like it not, YouTube is a powerful presence in the lives of our boys' lives. They may claim to hate Justin Bieber, but they all know that he became famous after uploading videos to YouTube. They know who Ray William Johnson is, and most know who Smosh is too. As far as our boys are concerned, uploading videos of yourself doing dumb stuff is a good way to get famous.


I don't have any words of wisdom here, just words of caution. I'm an involved parent, our computer is in a central location and all in all, I monitor what they watch online. (And yes, it includes Ray Williams Johnson and Smosh.) I talk to my boys regularly about health and safety, and real bravery vs. bravado. But I could still see them falling for the salt-and-ice challenge. I could still see them heading to the kitchen to try it out -- because, really, how bad can it be? I can see them thinking, Salt? Ice? Those are just common household ingredients! I'd hope that they'd drop the ice before they caused serious damage, but if other boys are around, who knows?

What do you think? Would your boys fall for the salt-and-ice challenge?

Quiet (Or, Why My Life Wouldn't Be the Same Without Boys)

Things have been quiet around here this week. My boys are on vacation with their Dad, so it's just me and the dog and the cat. And while I have plenty to do around here -- and am, in fact, relishing the peace and quiet -- I'm beginning to realize just how boring life with be without my boys.

Right now, the evidence of my boys is everywhere.

In the kitchen

 In the dining room

On the front porch

And in the backyard

But you know what? All of the "mess" is evidence of the many ways my boys have enhanced my life. My boys inspired me to take a trip to 3 National Parks and a Titanic Museum -- and allowed me to opportunity to re-experience the mountains and the South through their eyes. My boys have brought Legos into my home, and amazed me with their ability to recombine those colorful little blocks into a multitude of shapes and projects. They've taught me that even flat balls can be fun, and demonstrated how a little ingenuity can turn leftover packing material into pontoon boats.

My boys keep my on my toes. But they also continually challenge and inspire me. Thanks, guys, for making my world a better place!

Work-Life Balance: Time for Solutions!



Work on one side, kids on the other?
Illustration by winnifred xoxo via Flickr

 The issue of balance is in the news again.

Anne-Marie Slaughter's Atlantic article, Why Women Still Can't Have It All, jump-started the conversation. Other moms, bloggers and commentators have been adding on since. (I particularly love Joanna Weiss's column, Work-Life Balance: Some Helpful Tips From the Elite. Because, you know, it never occurred to me that a fishmonger who delivers was the answer to all my problems.)

Like every other American mom, I have some thoughts on work-life balance. And my thoughts are this:

Time matters. A parent who spends 12 hours a day away from home, 5 or 6 days a week, will not have the same relationship with their child as a parent who is home with that child those same 12 hours a day. Relationships -- romantic, parental or otherwise -- are nurtured by spending time with each other.

The concept of quality vs. quantity time is a crock of coo-coo poo. Sure, it's important to spend time interacting with your kids, vs. simply existing with them. So if you only have an hour a day with them, it's probably better to spend that time playing a game together than scrubbing the dishes while they play X-box in the next room. But relationships truly grow when people spend unstructured time together. Want to get to know your kids? Spend a snow day with them. Take them on a cross-country camping trip. Spend a year homeschooling them. When you're with your kids, day in and day out, you develop an understanding of their thoughts, ideas and preferences that you simply can't get from weekend check-ins.

That's not to say that you have to be an unemployed, at-home parent to be a good parent. I know a ton of good parents, both employed and unemployed, at-home and at-work. But every single great parent I know spent a significant amount of time with their children at one point or another. Co-incidence? I think not.

Social support would help. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Our society talks a good deal about parenting as "the most important job in the world," but does little to support actual parents in the act of parenting.

In our society, the decision to work outside of the home or to stay home with children is viewed as a private decision, one that should be made and handled within the family unit. Unlike moms and dads in many other countries around the world, American parents can only take time off from work if they're economically able to do so. If they decide to stay home, they not only forgo income, but also potential retirement income.  (Wanna see a bunch of zeroes? Look at the Social Security statement of a woman who's spent some time at home raising kids.)

If one or both parents decides to work, whether for economic need or personal fulfillment, the family is expected to handle the messy issue of childcare all alone. To date, our society doesn't seem to believe that it has a vested interest in the care of these children and families.

Yet, when kids get out of hand (middle schoolers on the bus, I'm looking at you!), we automatically ask, "Where are the parents?"  We don't seem to recognize that we've created an impossible situation for all parents.

Other countries provide generous maternal and paternal leave. Financial stipends to parents who stay home to care for children. Universal access to high-quality childcare. Those kinds of things could make a difference -- for parents, for kids and for our country -- yet we're loathe to fund them. Too socialist-like, we're told. Too expensive. So we leave our families to fend for themselves. Instead of having serious discussions about the value of parenting, we let individuals figure out their own convoluted solutions to the problem of "having it all." We let our families figure out how to blend work and home, while placing value almost exclusively on adult achievement outside of the home. We warehouse our children in childcare centers and schools and camps, treat them as obstacles to achievement, and wonder why our children are doing so poorly in school and in life.


I think it's high-time for parents to stop debating work-life balance, and to start demanding some real solutions. Too many parents (moms, especially) are wasting time blaming themselves for their supposed inability to gracefully juggle work, home and family. They consider themselves flawed, weak human beings because they haven't figured "it" out yet. But guess what? The problem isn't that you're weak or unorganized or not sufficiently dedicated. The problem is that our society has placed you in an impossible position.

Let's stop heaping the blame on ourselves or others, and start looking for solutions instead.

Bullies & the Bus Monitor

Photo by bsabarnowl via Flickr

Have you seen the video of middle school kids tormenting their 60-some-year-old bus monitor?

The story of Karen, the bus monitor, and her 10-minute verbal assault has gone viral. Scores of sympathetic people have raised over $140,000 to send Karen on a vacation, and national news outlets are interviewing Karen today.

I couldn't watch the entire video; three minutes was about all I could stand. What struck me most about the video was that her bullies were CHILDREN -- middle school children, at that -- who were spewing such hateful, mean language.

The next thing that struck me was the contrast between this bus situation and my 2010 experience chaperoning a bus full of middle schools kids. My oldest son had asked me to chaperone the junior high show choir's bus trip to Six Flags, and I agreed. With trepidation. I said yes because he was my son, but inwardly, I was dreading the thought of chaperoning a bus full of middle school kids. I expected rowdiness and clique-y behavior, and kids who didn't want to listen to adults. I expected a struggle.

Instead, I witnessed some of the most respectful behavior I have ever seen out of a group of kids. The kids were polite. They were nice to each other, and to the adults. They even picked up all of their garbage!

A lot of the credit, I know, goes to their director, who insists on respectful behavior. He teaches the kids music and dance, but underneath it all is a strong current of character development. Kids in his program quickly learn that good behavior is not optional. As a parent, I appreciate the help. Anyone who insists upon -- and models -- respect, hard work and persistence is A-OK in my book.

But schools can't do it alone. I don't know the stories of the kids' on Karen's bus, but I'm willing to bet that many of them have heard similar disparaging and disrespectful words at home or in their communities. So please...

• Continue to use nice words at home. Speak kindly to your children, and insist (to the best of your ability) that they do the same.  
• Be nice to everyone in your community -- the checkers at the grocery store, the old lady walking her dog, even the guy who cuts you off in traffic. 
• Assume the best about people, while maintaining a healthy sense of boundaries. 
• Teach your children to see the humanity in others.

I can't stop a busload of kids in New York from bullying a senior citizen. But I can take steps, here in my home and my community, to ensure that my kids will never do the same.

How do you teach your kids respectful behavior?

A Titanic Experience

You know about our camping trip. But did you know that it all started with the Titanic?

My 6-year-old son is a Titanic fanatic. He first got interested in the Titanic about a year ago, after we picked up a book about the famous wreck at a local garage sale. He poured over that book, passionately, so we went to the library and checked out more books. And videos. Today, my son has darn close to 10 books on the Titanic, and he can tell you almost anything about the ship and its discovery.

But of course, my son has never been on the Titanic. He doesn't even remember the visit our family made to a traveling Titanic exhibit at the Milwaukee Public Museum a few years ago. This year, though, marks 100 years since the Titanic's sinking, so I jumped online, hoping to find a similar exhibit within easy driving distance.

What I found instead was the Titanic Museum Attraction, a special Titanic-only museum featuring a reproduction of the Grand Staircase! I was immediately intrigued. I knew my son would love it and I -- well, I wanted to see the Grand Staircase for myself.

The only problem was that the Titanic Museum wasn't anywhere near our house. The two locations -- Branson, Missouri and Pigeon Forge, Tennessee -- are both a good distance from our home in southeastern Wisconsin. But I really wanted to take my son. So I started calculating mileage and locating interesting stops along the way, and came up with our Titanic-by-way-of-the-Indiana-Dunes-and-Mammoth-Cave vacation.

We first glimpsed the Titanic Museum as we were passing through Pigeon Forge on the way to our campground in the Great Smoky Mountain National Park. We'd been driving for hours and hours when suddenly we saw the great ship itself materialize along the right side of the road. That sight alone -- a real, full-size version of the Titanic (albeit, only her front half) -- was enough to thrill my son.

We returned the next day for our official tour. Each of us was given a boarding pass which included the name and background info of an actual passenger aboard the Titanic. My 6-yr-old recognized "his" name -- Dick Williams -- almost immediately. (A few months earlier, we'd read an article about Williams, a tennis star who survived the sinking.) The rest of us speculated about our fates, which would be revealed at the end of our tour. (Spoiler alert: Most of us survived.)

We wandered through the exhibits, which included diagrams and models of the Titanic, maps of her voyage and actual and recreated artifacts from the famous ship. We listened to a Captain Smith look-alike tell us about her voyage. And we loved the actual-size reproductions that made us feel as if we'd snuck onto the ship. We saw a full-size third-class stateroom, complete with two sets of bunk beds. We pressed a button and saw water flood a staircase; we were safely behind a pane of thick glass, but the experience nonetheless gave us an idea of how terrifying it must have felt to stand in the path of such water.

The boys enjoyed shoveling coal into the furnace. The pre-weighted shovel gave them some idea of the physicality of this task, and the signs nearby put the back-breaking labor into perspective: stokers shoveled coal in 10 hour shifts, around the clock, to keep the Titanic fueled.

The Grand Staircase was as beautiful as it looks in pictures -- but did you know that the surface of the stairs was not marble, but linoleum? (Back then, linoleum was the new, amazing thing.)

The best part, though, was the opportunity to experience 28 degree water firsthand. We knew, from our studies, that the water around the Titanic on the night of her sinking was just 28 degrees Farenheit, and that few people survived for more than a few minutes in such chilly water. But the Titanic Museum gave us the opportunity to dunk our hands into water chilled to 28 degrees. Until you've submerged your hand in 28 degree water, you can't really understand what the books say when they describe such cold as "like a thousand knives, stabbing you." I found it difficult to keep my hand in the water for even 15 seconds.

The kids (and I) also loved climbing on Titanic ship decks tilted to different angles to represent the angles of the decks at various points in her sinking. It's one thing to watch a movie of people sliding down the deck as the ship sank, and another to personally experience how hard it is to stand on ship that's going down.

The museum was a treasure trove of primary sources too, including photos and scrapbook pages taken by a priest onboard, postcards from passengers and authentic 1912 newspapers reporting the Titanic's demise. I was particularly moved by two telelgrams. One, sent from a boilerman (who was off-duty at the time of the sinking) to his family said simply, "Safe." (So much, in that one word!) Another, sent by the White Star Line to the wife of a passenger, said, "Regret your husband not saved." I'm willing to bet that tears were shed over that piece of paper.

My sons, of course, were not as enchanted with the primary documents as I was. I know they will never forget what 28 degree water feels like, though, and I know they now have a fuller understanding of the tragedy of the Titanic.

Disclosure: After seeing a previous blog post mentioning our planned trip to the Titanic Museum, museum personnel reached out and asked if I'd be interested in writing a blog post about our visit in exchange for free family admission. The boys and I received free admission and audio tours during our visit.

Guest Post: Male Strength

Today I'm honored to have Brian Plachta as my guest blogger. Brian is the author the recently released book:  Pillars of Steel---How Real Men Draw Strength from Each Other.  

My wife was fishing around recently asking me what I wanted for Father’s Day.  I pondered for a minute, ran through the typical list in my head---a necktie? No, too boring. New golf driver? No, got one last year.  Gas grill?  No, too expensive.  

But then out of nowhere in the middle of my wondering, the thought popped into my head like a kid waiting to be picked in a duck-duck-goose game, and I blurted out:  “Strength.  That’s what I want for father’s day this year.  Male strength.”

She looked at me with that puzzled look in her eyes wondering if my dementia was acting up again, but since we’ve been married almost twenty-nine years and she has a heart of compassion and wisdom, she simply asked, “What do you mean?”

“I want some good ol’ fashion strength.” I replied. “The kind like my father had, but different.  I want to feel like I am able to protect and provide for you and the kids.  I want to feel like I am capable of surviving anything that happens.  And part of that is feeling like I’m plugged into some inner compass that guides and directs me when I’m trying to make the tough decisions I have to make in life.  I want to feel like a strong man again with strength tempered by compassion for you and the kids, myself, and others.”

“Wow! That’s a tall order.”  My wife replied.  “I’m not sure Macy’s carries that.”

We chuckled out loud for a few minutes.  But then I shared with her what I’ve been learning as I dig deep into my own heart and into researching what some call the current “crisis of masculinity.”

Whether we realize it or not, men are currently in the middle of a paradigm shift.  Women have taken their proper role in society after the women’s movement dramatically changed the way society defines womanhood.  As a result, the pendulum of male-female relationships has swung significantly and men are left asking the question, “Where does that leave us?” Confused; surprised; the soft male; having to redefine what genuine masculinity is or else culture will define it for us, and is, as men get caricaturized on television comedy shows like Two and a Half Men as the buffoon, the idiot.

And perhaps because we abused our strength and power as men collectively over the years, men are often now laughed at when we do exercise our strength in a balanced way. And we’re left having to redefine what authentic male strength is. 

 Robert Bly in his epic book, Iron John, defines true male strength as the “deep male”---the man who is able to connect with his soul, who is able to wrestle out loud with his vulnerability and gain wisdom as a result of his having asked the important questions of life so he can live into the answers.  St. Paul calls the strong man, the “inner man”---the man who digs deep and understands who he is and who he is not.

I’m finding that’s what I am looking for these days along with a growing number of my buddies: male strength, the deep male, even if we can’t quite find the language yet to define it, much less talk about it.  And since male strength is something I have to find for myself---on the inside---my wife can’t give it to me wrapped up in a neat package like a typical father’s day gift, but she can help understand where men find themselves today and help point me toward that inner journey. 

 When my wife and I got married, during our wedding vows we promised to help each other become the best person we could become.  Part of that promise for her has been coming to a deeper understanding of how tough it is to be a man in today’s culture because of the pendulum shift.  Richard Rohr, a Roman Catholic priest and pioneer in the men’s movement, captures the current state of men’s dilemma:

Take a typical woman, educated or uneducated, of most any race or ethnicity, and give her this agenda: “You are not to have any close friends or confidants; you are to avoid any show of need, weakness or tender human intimacy; you may not touch other women without very good reason; you may not cry; you are not encouraged to trust your inner guidance but only outer authorities and ‘big’ people; and you are to judge yourself by your roles, titles, car, house, money and successes. People are either in your tribe, or they are a competitive threat—or of no interest.” Then tell her, “This is what it feels like to be a male, most of the time.”

“Maleness,” reports Rohr, “can be a very lonely and self-defeating world.”

I think the best thing my wife can do for me and for my three sons is to understand the cultural shift men are experiencing, to read about it, learn about it, and then use her gift of being a strong nurturer to point me and my sons in a new direction. 

This new direction will require women to:

·           Be open to unfolding.  There’s no defined path for the new genuine manhood that is evolving.  That means it might be messy at times and it has to unfold like walking a virgin hiking trail with only a compass in hand.  That means the journey can’t be controlled, it can only be trusted.

·               Understand.  We are only coming now to a deeper realization that men are changing drastically as a result of the pioneering women have done over the past forty years.  Therefore, just as men have had to learn about how women changed and evolved, women will need to learn about the crisis in masculinity and how it is inviting men to deeper transformation.

·            Nurture.  Like a deer coming out of the woods into an open valley, men are often unsure and skeptical of things they can’t understand or control.  Therefore, rather than pushing men into growth and transformation (which will only cause them to rush back into the woods) women will need to understand that these are tough times for men and support them as they take the leap of faith diving into this modern challenge of masculinity.

·          Encourage.    As women begin to understand the path men are on and what men need to do to grow and change just like women evolved over the last few decades, women can walk alongside men gently point them in a new direction---the direction of the deep male, the inner man.  This will require women to create the freedom and space for men to pursue new opportunities shoulder-to-shoulder with other men.

This new direction will require men to: 

Take life a little more seriously (although not too seriously or we’ll lose our sense of humor and become a bore) 

Take the risk of developing male friendships much deeper than the superficial ones limited by the man code (those unwritten rules left over from patriarchy that restrict men from talking about anything other than women, work and sports, lest we get thrown out of the man club); and

              Find a faith that is real and relevant for themselves and their sons.  

I realize this is a tall order.  But perhaps if women and men together can find the trail marker defining where men are at culturally as a result of the pendulum shift, we can blaze a new trail that will allow us to be better partners on the journey of becoming the best persons we can be. Who knows, this new trail of genuine masculinity, the deep male, might even change the course of history, just like the women’s movement. So, what do you think?  What did you get your loved one for Father’s Day this year?

 

Brian Plachta is an attorney, husband and father. He holds a Masters in Pastoral Counseling degree, and is a certified Spiritual Director. He is a frequent workshop speaker on men’s spirituality topics for churches, spiritual life centers and men’s conferences throughout the state of Michigan. He also serves as an adjunct faculty member at the Dominican Center at Marywood, an ecumenical spiritual life center in West Michigan.

His new book, Pillars of Steel---How Real Men Draw Strength from Each Other, is a field guide for men and women which provides a trail marker for  and history of  men’s masculinity.  Contact Brian directly at:  b_plachta@yahoo.com.