Homework at My House

1st grade homework project

I might not be a fan of busywork-as-homework. I might even encourage parents to think long and hard about why, exactly, they want to to "make" their sons do their homework. But that doesn't mean that I encourage my kids to ignore homework or to disrespect teachers.

After reading my original blog post, How To Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 1, a reader asked:

Are you teaching your sons to ignore/disrespect authority figures?

The short answer is no.

This is what homework looks like at my house:

The boys come home after school. They settle into comfy chairs (after rummaging through the cupboards) and plug into their electrical devices. I let them. After spending their whole day in school, following the demands of an exterior schedule, I give them time to unwind. To do what they want to do.

After awhile, I ask about homework. Boy #2 usually doesn't have any; he typically gets all of his assignments done at school. Boy #3 may or may not have homework -- a math worksheet, a science packet, or part of a larger project that needs to be completed. He is also required to read and practice math facts each month, and receives a grade based on how many math minutes and reading minutes he's completed at month's end. Boy #4, a 1st grader, inevitably has to read a book. He might also have a math worksheet to complete.

Boy #1, my high school freshman, is completely responsible for his own work, and that amount of work he has varies on a daily basis.

I do not push or force Boy #3 to do his reading and math minutes. As I discussed in Homework, Part 1, he knows that his grade reflects his effort. He knows what he has to do if he wants to earn an A. And often, he puts off his reading and math minutes 'til the end of the month. He has done a whole "month's worth" of reading in just three days.

If he has homework, or a looming project, I will remind him of his work. I may set aside some time to work with him. For instance, when he did a project about tourist destination in our state, I scheduled time for a family field trip to the destination. I helped him figure out Power Point; he'd decided to do a Power Point presentation, so we figured it out together. I reviewed his work when he asked me to, and I offered him opportunities to practice his presentation. (Each student was required to present their work to the class as well.) But when he declined my offer, I respected his decision. To practice or not practice -- that is his choice. He will get the resulting grade. And if it's not as good as he'd like, perhaps he'll make a different choice the next time around.

Boy #4 and I read together after supper. Sometimes, he asks if he can read the book to himself, instead of aloud. I say yes. I know from experience that he always stops and asks me words he can't read anyway. ("Mom, what is e-x-c-i-t-e-d?") We also talk about his book; I can tell from his answers (and his questions) if he's read and understood the material.

Boy #1 handles his homework on his own. He manages his time. He decides how hard (or not) to work on a particular assignment. I provide support as requested. I've proofread papers and projects and offered feedback -- but only when requested. I've discussed ideas and books with him. (Right now, we're both reading Cannery Row.
)

That's it. I don't get into homework battles with my sons, because it's their work. They -- not me -- bear the consequences of the choices they make. And in the end, if one of my sons decides to settle for a lower grade on a particular project or assignment because he doesn't want to put in the additional work for a higher grade, I don't push or prod or argue. His choice. His grades. I care more about sons' overall development than I do about any one particular grade.

How about you? What does school work or homework look like at your house?

How To Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 2

Photo by Lone_F

Are you tired of the homework battle? Here are some nitty-gritty tips to help you (and your son) get a grip on homework:

(First, if you haven't already, read How to Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 1)

Talk to your son. Does your son think homework is a problem? Why? It's crucial to get your son's input. If he truly doesn't understand the assignment, encourage him to talk to his teacher. If he thinks the homework is pointless, ask why -- and listen to the answer. While many boys struggle with homework, you need to understand what's going on with son in order to effectively intervene.

Talk to the teacher. If you son's homework is of the truly pointless variety -- if you son already understands the material, or could easily pass the test or complete the rest of the assignment without doing part of the homework -- schedule a meeting with the teacher to discuss the issue. Ask for alternatives. Perhaps your son could test out of certain homework assignments. Or do half of the assigned problems instead of all of them.

Beware: your son may not want you to talk to his teacher. He may be afraid that the teacher may simply assign more (and more difficult) homework. And that may well be the case. If the teacher wants to assign additional homework, though, ask if it can be tailored to your son's outside interests, or completed in an innovative way. (Could he make a website instead of writing a paper? Submit a spreadsheet from his side business instead of re-creating one from the textbook?)

Let him go outside. Forcing your son to sit down and do homework the minute he comes home from school is rarely productive. Instead, send him outside or to the gym to burn off some energy. You can even intersperse homework sessions with activity -- say, a half-hour stretch of homework followed by 15 minutes of physical activity before returning to homework. Believe it or not, those brief bursts of activity will actually improve your son's productivity.

Talk to your son about his goals. What does your son want to do in life? Help him see how his homework directly relates to his life goals. And whenever possible, link your son's homework to his goals. A boy who loves video games, for instance, might fight nightly reading -- but might be willing to read a video game magazine for a few minutes before bed.

Get outside assistance, if needed. If your son is truly struggling with a certain subject, or needs help with study skills, consider enlisting a tutor. Ask around at school; your son's school may offer resources such as after school study times or check-ins with teachers. School personnel and other parents may also be able to point you toward private tutors. (College kids and retired teachers make great tutors.) Outside assistance may also be necessary if your son has a learning disability.

Make it meaningful. Consider setting up an incentive system to encourage your son to do his homework. If he absolutely must get it done for whatever reason -- your sanity, his learning, whatever -- consider offering him a personally meaningful reward if he does his homework X number of nights in a row, for instance. So instead of fighting about homework on a nightly basis, pre-agree on a series of behavior expectations and rewards. Maybe you can make him his favorite dessert. Or maybe you can go to the park or museum together.

Some parents tie homework to negative consequences -- you know, the old, if-you-don't-do-your-homework-you're-grounded! scenario. And while that can work, in the short-term, it only reinforces your son's belief that homework is odious. It also takes away your son's responsibility for his homework, because effectively, you become the one who makes sure his homework is done.

Make it fun. Inject a little fun whenever possible. If your son has to practice math facts, consider writing numbers on a white board and letting him "shoot" the right answer with a Nerf gun. (One homeschooling mom I know tried this technique -- and ended up with all the neighborhood boys in her kitchen!) Practice spelling words in chalk on the driveway. Or trace them in the sand. Read outside.

Do you have any other tips to share? How do you help your sons with homework?

How to Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 1

Photo by mrsdkrebs via Flickr

My boys are back to school today after a long and
wonderful Spring Break.

They -- like many other kids -- were less than enthusiastic about going back. And clearly counting the days 'til the tyranny of school is over for another year. (47, according to my 10-year-old).

How's school going for your boys? Are they loving it? Hating it? How's the homework battle going?

If getting your son to do homework is a struggle, rest assured: You're not alone. I have heard "he won't do his homework" tales than I care to count.

Why Boys Hate Homework

Often, the boy in question is not dumb. Quite the contrary: He's usually pretty intelligent. So intelligent, in fact, that he sees through the homework games. He knows that the assigned work is just busy work, a way to make teachers and parents and administrators feel like they're feeding his mind after school.

Very often, the boy is right. Take a look at your son's homework. Is it really helping him learn and understand a new concept? Helping him expand his mind? Enlarging his understanding of the world? Or is it merely asking him to repeat skills over and over? To fill in the blanks?

Most of the homework I see still falls into the mindless repetition category. And if that's the case for your son's homework, is it any wonder he's resisting it? Why would he want to spend precious minutes of his life doing something he already knows how to do, over and over again?

Boys also hate homework because it almost always requires them to sit and be still -- after hours of sitting inside, being still. Most boys would rather be out in the world  in some way, doing something with some meaning. Homework, instead, asks them to devote their time and attention to a very tiny little thing, in a very tiny confined space, towards no visible higher purpose.

Boys hate homework because homework, as far as they can tell, has no point. Boys tend to be very goal-oriented. But like most human beings, they like to work toward goals that have personal meaning. And while there may, perhaps, be a larger point to the homework -- your son's teacher, for instance, may believe that he must master square footage calculations in order to live successfully in the world -- you son doesn't see or value that connection. What he sees, instead, is that the homework is an obstacle between him and his goals.

So how you do get your son to do his homework?

Address Underlying Fears

First, take a step back. Why do you want him to do his homework?

That question might seem ridiculous to you. You might be screeching at me through the computer screen right now. But humor me.

Do you want him to do his homework because you're afraid that it will reflect poorly on you or your parenting if he doesn't? Because you believe that he must do whatever he's instructed to do? Because he'll get bad grades if he doesn't do his homework? Because he won't get into a good school if he doesn't complete his work?

Let me tell you something: Most of those worries and concerns -- most of parents' worries and concerns regarding their kids' homework -- reflect parental fears. Most of them have absolutely nothing to do with your sons' learning. To effectively support your sons' learning, you need to honestly and realistically admit and attack your fears, before turning toward your son.

Your kids' grades are not a direct reflection of your parenting abilities. Your kids' grades, at best, are an incomplete picture of their effort and ability in school. Academic grades are affected by a variety of factors, including student effort, effective teaching, parental support and the kids' overall environment.

One of my boys must read a certain number of minutes every month; part of his reading grade is directly aligned with the number of minutes he reads. If he reads X minutes, he earns an A. But if only reads Y minutes, he gets a B. My son knows the grading scale. He also knows how to read. As far as I'm concerned, his choices are ultimately what dictates that portion of his grade. Will I be a "better" parent if I push him -- force him -- to read X minutes so he earns an A? I don't think so. Will reading X minutes under duress make him a better reader? I don't think so; I think it's more likely that he'll learn to hate reading. So I let him control his own reading minutes.

Do you believe your son should do his homework simply because it's been assigned? Because we all have to do things we don't want to do? Think about this:  If your boss assigns you a task that you completed last week, would you say something? Or would you simply repeat the work?

If your son truly understands the material, do you really think he needs to do every single exercise? Why?

If you're worried about bad grades, again, ask yourself why. Do you think your son's bad grades will reflect negatively on you? On him? Do you think they'll keep him out of school, or make it difficult for him to achieve success in the world? Let me ask you this: When was the last time someone asked to see your report card? Do you believe that your success is truly linked to the grades you earned in grade school, high school or even college?

I write this as a former 4.0 valedictorian. Clearly, at one point in my life, I valued good grades highly. But you know what I've since learned? Good grades don't necessarily reflect learning. They don't reflect compassion or potential. And while it's true that my good grades helped me get scholarships, no one has asked to see my transcript in years. The truth is, no one cares what kind of grades I earned.

Instead, they care about how I make them feel. They care about my ability to work with others, my ability to communicate, and my ability to put ideas together. They care about my honesty and dedication.

Those qualities are what will bring your sons success as well. And your son can have those qualities in spades, even if his report card is littered with Ds.

So before beginning any homework intervention, separate your fears and concerns from reality. If your son is happy and joyful, learning and growing and engaged in the world, are the grades on his report card really so serious? Do your son's grades  reflect a problem with your son's learning, or something else?

Tomorrow: Concrete steps you can take to deal with homework 

Spring Break

Know what my boys are doing for Spring Break this year?

Nothing.

Well, not exactly nothing. They're doing chores. Playing Minecraft. And eating Easter candy. Right now, they're outside playing a game called Survival with two friends. I don't know what exactly this game entails, except that there are two teams and it involves mud.

In other words, this Spring Break is almost completely unstructured and unplanned.

I felt bad about that at first. Last year, we went to Chicago over Spring Break.

This year, I neglected to pencil Spring Break into my work calendar -- and my boys' 11-day Spring Break co-incidentally coincides with a slew of April deadlines for me. The result? Spring Break at home.

And you know what? The boys are having a great time. After weeks and weeks and weeks of structured time -- think school and sports -- they're loving the fact that they get to decide what to do when. They're more relaxed than I've seen them in a long time. And they're using their brains and bodies to explore and experience the world.

Sounds like a perfect Spring Break to me.

Flash Cards for Boys

You probably already know that most boys love toilet humor. And a parent of boys, you've already figured out that the traditional sit-down-and-learn approach doesn't work well for many boys. 

And if you're anything like me, you've probably used those facts to your advantage. Like many parents, I placed magnetic letters on my fridge, hoping to entice my kids to build words. Nothing. Until I carefully arranged the letters to make a sentence about poop. Soon, I had 5 boys -- my 4, plus a friend -- gathered around my fridge, competing to see who could create the grossest sentence. 

That's why I think these flash cards are a brilliant idea.

Susan Levy, the creator of ABC Flash Cards for Boys, emailed me recently to invite me to check out her product on Kickstarter, a crowdfunding site she's using to secure the financial backing she needs to launch her brainchild out into the world. I usually ignore emails like that. I didn't ignore this one, and I'm glad I didn't. As soon as I saw her cards, I had to learn more. 

BbB: Tell us a little about your ABC cards. How did you develop the idea? 

Susan Levy

Susan: A little over a year ago when I was working with my son on his ABC’s he was completely uninterested in the products that were available.All the flash cards available were boring and didn't hold his attention. He could have cared less that “A” was for Apple. I wanted to create something that would make recognizing, learning and remembering ABC's fun. This is when I started thinking about what held a boy's attention and made them laugh. The topic that stood out the most was anything and everything to do with potty humor. This discovery was what ignited the idea for Alpha Cards. I began joking with my husband and my now eight year old daughter about ABC’s..."for boys eyes only".  I started making a list in a notebook of funny potty words for each letter.

BbB: What kind of feedback have you gotten from boys? From parents and educators?

Susan: The greatest part of this experience so far has been the feedback from kids, parents and educators. Parents who have seen them are so excited for the prospect of having a  tool that will actually engage their child in the learning process. There have been numerous occasions when I have been able to share my cards with kids and each time their reactions confirms my expectations for the success of my product. Children get it immediately and just start cracking up. I also have had great support from teachers and principals; they are ready and willing to use what works to help kids to learn, recognize and remember their ABC’s.

BbB: Some people completely reject the idea that boys and girls learn differently, and consider any attempts to personalize education for “boys” or “girls” to be sexist? How would you respond to those people?

Susan: As a former classroom teacher (I taught first and second grade)I feel confident in saying that each and every child learns differently no matter if they are a boy or a girl.  The key is taking the time to find out what makes each child tick.  That is the reason a great classroom library is stocked with a wide variety of genres and subject matter.  Alpha Cards are meant to add another diverse teaching tool to the market.  Yes, it says ABC’s for boys, but that does not mean girls won’t  love them and learn from them too. My daughter enjoys them as much as I do! If something works in helping your child get prepared for a lifetime of reading I say, “use it!”

BbB: You’ve already exceeded your Kickstarter goal. What do you plan to do with the rest of the money?

Susan: The success of Kickstarter has been amazing.  The money raised is going to allow me to order a larger quantity of flashcards.  This will give me the opportunity to get them into more stores sooner!

Want to order a set of Flash Cards for Boys? Visit Susan's website, www.he-is-all-boy.com.

Why I Want My Boys to be Just Like Pa

The real Pa Ingalls

I loved Little House on the Prairie when I was the kid. Loved the books, loved the TV series. I watched the TV show every week, and read and re-read the books more times than I can count.

So when I had kids, I naturally wanted to introduce them to characters and stories that had brought me such pleasure. I bought the books -- and my oldest, like me, read and re-read those books more times than either of us can count. We purchases Seasons 1 through 3 of the TV series, and spent many enjoyable hours watching together as a family.

But that was many years ago, before my divorce and before my youngest was a fully functioning big kid. I didn't want him to miss out though, so a few months ago, I read him Farmer Boy. This boy loves farming and outside work and hates school; I figured Farmer Boy would appeal to him on many levels, and I was right. He was thrilled when I told him there were more books in the series.

We've since worked our way through Little House in the Big Woods, and are currently reading Little House on the Prairie -- a good time, I decided, to introduce the TV show.

This weekend, we sat down and watching Episode 1 of Season One, "A Harvest of Friends." And I fell in love with Pa.

As a kid in the 70s and 80s, I'd always focused on Laura and Mary and their adventures. But now, as an adult who thinks and writes a lot about boys and men, I found myself drawn to Pa.

He loved his wife! His eyes twinkled when he looked at Caroline, and you could hear his love in the banter he shared with his wife.

He loved his kids -- and wasn't afraid to show his love. Pa was harsh when needed, according to his culture and time, but he was also compassionate and forgiving. He shared music and stories with his kids. He brought them along and involved them in his work and interests, at least some of the time.

He was honest and trustworthy. Pa was nothing if not an ethical man.

He was hardworking. The man built homes for his family with his own two hands, with minimal materials. He did whatever was needed to provide for his family, often working long, physical hours.

He was a good neighbor. Pa helped others; he wasn't too busy or too poor to assist someone else.

Pa, in short, is the polar opposite of what passes  for a "man" in today's popular culture.

About a year ago, I wrote a post about less-than-ideal male role models. The post started off with this comment from a fellow blogger:

The current culture portrayed by the media denigrates both men and women into sex-starved animals. 

Our boys are surrounded by inaccurate depictions of male strength and masculinity. Men, our popular culture implies, are strong and powerful. They sleep with a lot of women. They dominate other men. They are sarcastic and self-interested. And they are completely incompetent as partners and parents.

I'm not sure why the popular image of men veered in this direction. Men and women have made tremendous progress since the Little House TV series premiered in 1974. Men today are more likely than their fathers to be involved in childcare, to help with the household chores. But you don't see that on TV.

Instead, we surround our children with unhealthy and unrealistic images of manhood, and then bemoan the fact that boys today are taking so long to become men, that so few boys are growing into full, healthy men.

Do we not see the link?

What would happen if we once again presented healthy images of manhood in the media? What if we surrounded our boys with people like Pa Ingalls and Cliff Huxtable?

I don't know. But I'd support an effort to try.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep reading  and watching Little House with my boys.

Are you troubled by the media's depiction of men? How do you help your boys make sense of male stereotypes? Do you think Pa is a good role model? 

Best of the Blogs: Self-Care, Sex & Age Sixteen

Sure, I write a lot about boys. But as a mom of boys, I'm also aware of just how stressful parenting boys can be. And I've learned from personal experience that I have to take good care of myself if I want to take good care of my boys. After all, it's pretty hard to model patience and acceptance when you're running on four hours of sleep. 

Like many parents, though, I prioritize my kids and pay lip-service to the idea of self-care. That's why I love this post from Meagan Francis, aka The Happiest Mom:

Our culture loves to give lip service to self-care for moms, but we tend to trivialize the topic. I know I’m guilty of that myself. Feeling stressed or tired? Seek a little retail therapy; do something nice for yourself, it’s easy to say. Have a cup of tea or a glass of wine. Relax.

But while bubble baths, massages, and manicures are wonderful things, they’re no substitute for taking real care of our health. And that can involve messy, uncomfortable, inconvenient, and un-pampering processes like screenings, blood tests, mole removals and mammograms.

In her post, Self-Care is More Than Bubble Baths and Pedicures, Meagan, a mom of five,  reveals that she's recently been diagnosed with invasive cervical cancer. And while her prognosis is good, her post is a stark wake-up call: To truly take care of our kids, we need to take care of our health. 

**********

The conviction of two teenage boys in the Stuebenville rape trial generated a ton of online conversation. I entered the fray myself, with Boys & Rape. (If you click over, be sure to read the comments. My readers added some great points!)

Marie Roker Jones shared some interesting thoughts over at Raising Great Men as well. In "The Real Talk We Need to Have with Our Sons About Rape," she wrote:

Our first mistake is rushing to tell boys what rape is instead of asking them "What is rape?"

Why did I not think of that? If the Steubenville trial showed us anything (and I'd argue that it showed us many things), it showed us that many boys, men and women are confused as to what, exactly, constitutes rape. And the best way to find out what misconceptions our boys hold is to ask them what they know and understand.

The Good Men Project also ran a great Steubenville-inspired piece. The Healthy Sex Talk: Teaching Kids Consent, Ages 1-21 offers a ton of specific ideas for teaching and talking to boys and girls of all developmental ages and stages. It's the single best article I've ever read about consent.

**********

 Like me, Jen Singer of MommaSaid.net is a mom-of-no-longer-little-boys. Maybe that's why her post, "My Son Turned 16 and I Know Where the Time Went" touched me so deeply. 

Or maybe it's because, in a culture that so often pits parents against one another and parenthood vs. "real work," it's nice to see a mom who honors, recognizes and pays tribute to the millions of minute moments that go into making a man.