Young Dad Update

Remember the story of Alfie Patten, the 13-year-old British boy who reportedly recently fathered a child after one night of unprotected sex?

Yes, you read that right: "reportedly." Now two more young boys have stepped forward, saying it's highly possible that they're the father of young Maisie. DNA tests ultimately will prove which boy is the father of the child.

In an accompanying editorial, writer Judith Woods blames the adults surrounding the teens (children?) and she has a point. We, as adults, have a right to protect, inform and educate our sons.

If you're reading this blog, I'm guessing you feel the same way. But oh -- how I feel for the boys out there who don't have that kind of guidance. My heart breaks for young Alife, no matter what the paternity test says.

The Milwaukee Musky Expo

Yesterday, Son #1 and I went to the Milwaukee Musky Expo.

I am not a fisherman (or woman) by any means. I still squirm while putting a worm on the hook, simply because the worm wiggles and squiggles and I know I'm inflicting pain on another living being.

On my own, I would never in a million years voluntarily spend my day at a Musky Expo. But with my son? It was magical.

From the time we walked into the exhibit hall, my son's eyes were wide open. He was clearly in his element. And that, for me, was the magic: I had the opportunity to see my son in a world that was his. In the world of musky fishing, he is the expert and the guide; I am merely along for the ride.

We wandered up and down the aisles, attended a musky fishing seminar by Tom Gelb (did you have any idea how much science is in musky fishing? Tom measures and records the temp at various depths and tracks the moon to decide where and when to fish), and met a number of wonderful people.

Musky fisherman -- at least those who were there -- are an incredibly welcoming bunch, eager to nurture the next generation. We talked at length to the national representative of Muskies, Inc., who referred us to the Milwaukee chapter representative a few booths over. We met and chatted with Dale MacNair, a Canadian fisherman who recently caught a MONSTER musky. A young-looking sales rep chatted with us and we learned that the 21-year-old runs his own guide service (since age 16), fishes on the pro tournament circuit and attends college, majoring in business. A fishing guide offered Son #1 a free day out on the lake when we're up North this summer, and the editor of Musky Hunter magazine said he'd take a look at an article by Son #1.

Every single one of these gentleman encouraged my son, gave him a business card, and told him to contact them if he has any questions.

Thank you, gentleman, for speaking to my son as an equal. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and expertise, for reaching out a hand to the next generation. Thank you for encouraging a young boy's hopes and dreams and for showing him the way.

The Youngest Dad I've Ever Seen

While Americans continue to talk about octuplet Mom Nadya Suleman, Brits are talking about Alfie Patten, a 13-year-old boy who recently became a father after just one night of unprotected sex.

The pictures are incredible: biologically, this boy may be 13 and obviously more than capable of fathering a child, but visually and (I'd hazard a guess) emotionally, he's just a boy. A young boy who has no idea what fatherhood means, and yet is trying valiantly to hide his fears and be a good Dad.

Parents, talk to your sons. If ever there was a story that emphasized the need to talk straight about sex, this is it. Teens CAN become pregnant after just one night of sex. It's even possible for them to become pregnant without having actual intercourse -- not to mention the risk to both teens of acquiring a STD.

You know all this already. But do your sons? As Alife's story indicates, it's never too early to talk to our sons about sex.

Salma Hayek is my New Hero

In case you've missed the controversy, actress Salma Hayek recently made headlines when she breastfed a baby boy on a UNICEF trip to Africa. The child was hungry, the mother had no milk, and Hayek, who is still breastfeeding her daughter, fed the boy.

Hayek later commented that women need to help other women, and that we all need to work together for the children. I believe she's exactly right.

None of us can do this alone; the old adage that "it takes a village to raise a child" still applies, even in 2009. To raise strong and healthy sons, we must be willing and able to reach out to those around us, and to return the favor when we can help someone else.

We've been fortunate: Our oldest son, in particular, has found a number of wonderful mentors within our community. He fishes, but neither I or his father are particularly interested or adept fishermen. But our neighbor, an avid fisher, takes him along, and so does a friend of a friend. He's fished with everyone from the 15-year-old across the street to the retired dad of one of my husband's co-workers.

These people have opened their hands and hearts to help my son; like Hayek, they're giving of themselves so that my son has what he needs to grow and thrive.

So reach out your hand -- what can you do to mentor another boy? Who can you find to help your son thrive? Together, we can create a strong community for our boys and men.

Guest Post: Sandra Dodd!

We have a real treat today! If you're a homeschooler, particularly of the unschooling variety, you may have already heard of Sandra Dodd. Sandra is the mother of three wonderful children who have never gone to school; her philosophy of life and learning involves joy and connection and can help bring peace and happiness to any family. Here, she blogs about helping her sons find their place in the world.

I have two sons who never went to school, who are now 22 and 20 years old. They are Kirby, who works for Blizzard, Entertainment in Austin, and Marty, who is still at home, has a 23 year old girlfriend, a job at a Persian restaurant, and a Jeep Wrangler he chose and is paying for himself. (They have a sister who's 17, too, but this is about boys, so I'm leaving her out of this.)

From the time Kirby was born, we gave him choices. We offered him two or more foods, let him sleep where he was comfortable, let him choose his clothes, let him veto the music in the car if he didn't like it. When there were two boys, they were Sesame Street fans, and played Ninja Turtles and Lego and ran around in costumes in the back yard and at the park with other La Leche League kids, and then other unschoolers.

They got bigger every day, as did their options. Kirby studied karate for many years, and eventually taught the children's classes at the dojo. Marty tried karate, but decided to go to ice hockey instead, for a while, and ended up roller blading and being very involved in the Society for Creative Anachronism. We gave them rides and entry fees and equipment and encouragement.

At home, we watched movies, played games, sang, built things and talked about life and fantasies and the world. They found music and movies the rest of us wouldn't have known about. They hung around collectible card shops and gaming stores. We went to medieval-themed campouts and feasts.

Time flies when so much is going on, and they were getting tall, and a little hairy. When Kirby turned 14 he was offered a real job in a gaming shop, running the Pokemon League from 8:00 to noon every Saturday. Gradually they gave him more hours and responsibility. The day he turned 16, they gave him a key to the store. Before 16, the insurance wouldn't have covered him being there alone. He worked in that store for five years.

When Marty was 15, he was offered a job working for a bootmaker, doing boots and pouches for historical re-enactment groups. When he was 17, he worked full-time in a grocery store, walking distance from our house. I loved going shopping and hearing the checkers and other workers say, "Oh! You're Marty's mom. We *love* Marty!"

We weren't doing things with the thought of getting our kids jobs. What got them jobs was that they were out and about, interested, interesting and helpful. When Kirby was twelve and thirteen, he used to help pick the chairs up after the Pokemon tournaments, and he was good at understanding rules, and was able to make other kids feel better and have more fun. He would help vacuum the shop, and help fold the monthly schedules for mailing out. When Marty was in his early teens, he would help people willingly and cheerfully at our many campouts, and at tournaments in town. He smiled and he was happy to be there.

I didn't know that just being good guys with free time could lead to jobs, but it did. Looking back, I think the best advice I can give parents of boys who are concerned that they might not become men is this: Consider them to be whole, no matter how old they are. Treat them with respect and find ways for them to be around as many people and situations as you can, and whenever possible let them make choices about how long to be out and when to go home; what to attempt and what to stall off on; what to start and what to quit.

A rich and busy life can lead to unexpected benefits, and even if nothing remarkable happens, you will have had a rich and busy life with your sons. Few parents have that. Few men grew up in the warmth of smiles and approval and opportunities to explore or to stay home.

Sometimes people ask how homeschooled children will move out into the world. Our children were never anywhere but in the world. They were present with us as much as they wanted to be. We let them be other places, without us, when they wanted to be. The world was always all around them, and they were always in their place in the world.

Boys & TV

I'll admit it: although my boys love building with blocks, sculpting playdough and riding bikes outside, I'm one of the parents who pushed the "video games/computers" button over there on the left. And if TV was an option -- yeah, I'll admit that's one of their favorites too.

Now, a new report comes out linking TV viewing with depression. The link doesn't seem to be what I initially suspected -- that depressed teens simply watch more TV -- but rather that kids who watch more TV are more likely to be depressed a few years down the road. Of course, that's not saying that TV causes depression, but it's another log on the "TV-is-bad-for-your-boys" fire.

The negative effects of TV have been reported over and over. TV violence may spur violent boys. TV causes/contributes to obesity. TV exposes children to things they don't need to see. TV takes aways boys' imagination.

For another perspective, though, read Sandra Dodd. My Son #2, an avid TV watcher if ever there was one, fully agrees with "Everything I Really Needed to Know I Learned from Video Games and Cheesy Cartoons." It's amazing, really, how many things he's picked up from the TV. This past Christmas, he and Son #3 were both humming The Nutcracker March -- courtesy of Tom and Jerry. He's amazed me with interesting facts and vocabulary words that should be far beyond the reach of an eight-year-old. And every time I express surprise, he just looks at me, grins and says....

"Who says you can't learn anything from TV?"

Appropriate Education

Lisa Pugh, an acquaintance of mine and a 2009 Kennedy Foundation Public Policy Fellow, recently wrote an eye-opening post on her wonderful blog, Rooted in Rural Wisconsin. Her post, The Moon Boot Parents, is about the difficulties parents of exceptional children face when trying to find appropriate education for their children. All too often, she says, parents are left with no real choices, and children are sent, with trust, to institutions that occasionally betray that trust -- sometimes in horrific ways.

That post has been on my mind a lot lately. And suddenly, it occured me that parents of boys often face a similar situation. All of us, as parents, want the best for our children. All of us, as parents, want our child's unique talents and gifts to be recognized and appreciated, and want our children to learn and grow in a supportive, fitting environment. But all too often, that environment doesn't fit our children, and we are left, wondering what to do.

Much has been written about the troubles of boys in school. (For a good summary, click here) Too often, our modern education doesn't take into account boys' innate need to move, to learn by doing and to learn according to their own biological and devlopmental clock. Yet instead of providing good, appropriate options for boys, far too many schools and teachers decide the boys themselves are the problem. A good friend of mine, right now, is agonizing over how to best help her son. He's 5 years old, a kindergartener, and already he's been to the principal's office. Numerous times. Already, the teacher is suggesting a need for ADHD drugs.

How many of you who are homeschooling are homeschooling, in part, because school was not a good fit for your son? How many of with sons in school are frustrated by the school's ability to accomodate your child's "maleness?"

We need a system of education that recognizes, honors and nurtures these innate differences. We need an educational system that reaches out to our children where they are, instead of requiring them to be something they're not.